Quotes for
Det. Eddie Arlette (Character)
from "Keen Eddie" (2003)

"Keen Eddie: Achtung Baby (#1.3)" (2003)

[About Morris the stalker of the German opera singer]
Eddie: He left one day, gave the landlord his personal belongings with the instructions to do whatever he wants with them - which upsets me because it doesn't sound to me like he's got a plan b.

Morris: Hello my American friend.
Eddie: Let me make myself perfectly clear: If you touch a hair on her head I will hunt you down in this life and in the next.

Morris: I feel for you. Time is running out and you're frustrated.
Eddie: No you're frustrated, Morris. I'm jammin' all your frequencies and I'm all over you.

Eddie: I wanna read this opera - the entire thing. In English.

[Eddie to Fiona]
Eddie: So you whored my dog to a dog food company?

Fiona: Hello?
Eddie: Hi, remember me?
Fiona: No, I don't think I could forget you Eddie, even with therapy.
Eddie: God, I like you so much better with some distance between us.
Fiona: Well then back up just a few more steps. Keep going until you hit America. Look whatd'you want - your sourness is ruining my sauce.
Eddie: Listen, I forgot my razor. I was wondering if you could put it in a bag and leave it on the porch. I already sent somebody over to pick it up.
Fiona: I can't touch you razor, I haven't had the proper shots. Besides doesn't you and your girlfriend like the rough look?
Eddie: What're you talking about?
Fiona: You should pick up a newspaper from time to time. Your razor awaits.

Morris: Are you still there, Eddie?
Eddie: Yeah.
Morris: Shouldn't you be here?
Eddie: Yeah.

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"Keen Eddie: Who Wants to Be in a Club That Would Have Me as a Member? (#1.11)" (2004)

Mitchell Friedman: So, are you a couple?
Eddie: Who, me and her? Nah, she's gay.
Fiona: Very funny.
Eddie: It'd be funny 10 years ago but today it's a totally acceptable lifestyle.

Eddie: Oh, yeah. Pete and your fur coat - they're like a couple now.
Fiona: Aha. And are they..."mating?"
Eddie: I think it's safe to say they're past 3rd base.

Eddie: Let me give you a translation from the Eddie dictionary. When someone says to me "play ball," that means "we're a bunch of weasels. Come join us in our weaselness. Be a weasel too. Nobody's looking." I've been called a lot of things but a play ball kinda guy is not one of them.

Eddie: By the way, Milli called. She said you're okay for tonight.
[to Mitchell]
Eddie: Sounds pretty serious, doesn't it?
Fiona: Mitchell, ignore what you're hearing. Milli's a *friend* from work.
Eddie: You know, you should bring her by a little more often - we kinda had a "vibe" going, me and her.
Fiona: She thinks you're crass.
Eddie: Ah, then again she is gay - I mean, it's biological. What can you do about it? And you guys make such a great couple, i wouldn't want to break that up. Oh, my God, look at the time.

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"Keen Eddie: Eddie Loves Baseball (#1.4)" (2003)

[Eddie to Fiona]
Eddie: So they finally fired ya? What'd they do catch ya stealin', lip gloss?

Wilson: Wanker.
Eddie: Brat.
Wilson: Wanker.

Eddie: The dog's name is Pete. If he tries to mount you in the middle of the night, say "no" sternly, but don't look him in the eye.

Eddie: What's wrong with the old toaster?
Fiona: It didn't make me happy.

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"Keen Eddie: Pilot (#1.1)" (2003)

Eddie: Hey I'm Eddie. How d'you like me so far?

[Eddie is watching Pete pursue Duchess through the keyhole]
Eddie: No, Pete. Bad. Bad dog.
Fiona: Well?
Eddie: Well, unless Duchess knows how to do the wheelbarrow, you don't want to know.

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"Keen Eddie: Citizen Cecil (#1.10)" (2004)

Eddie: What's in the soup?
Fiona: Wouldn't you like to know.
Eddie: Yes, I would so I could seek the proper medical attention.

Pippin: [on recent casino robbery suspects] Duran Duran.
Eddie: That explains what they've been up to since the 80's.

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"Keen Eddie: Black Like Me (#1.7)" (2003)

Eddie: We fill the silence with our own insecurities.

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"Keen Eddie: Keeping Up Appearances (#1.12)" (2004)

Pippin: What?
Eddie: Nothin'. I'm just trying to picture you with an acceptable personality.
Pippin: Yeah, I'm going to be amazing if can use my powers for good instead of evil.
Eddie: You'd need a cape.

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