Memorable quotes for
"Two and a Half Men" (2003) More at IMDb Pro »

[Charlie has arranged a "play date" for Jake]
Charlie: The kid plays, and I have a date. Everybody wins.

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Evelyn Harper: I'm not speaking to you.
Charlie: OK
Evelyn Harper: Do you want to know why?
Charlie: No, I trust your judgment.

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Charlie: Why don't you make like a hockey player, and get the puck out of here.

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Charlie: Look, Jake, I'm sorry about the Wendy thing, but there's nothing I can do about it. And I want us to be buddies again, I don't want you to hate me, any more.
Jake: I don't hate you.
Charlie: Good.
Jake: I'm just very disappointed in you.
Charlie: Hey, I get enough of that crap from my mother.

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Alan: Well you know what, it doesn't matter if I look cool, we judge a person by what's inside, not by what they wear.
Jake: Lucky for you, huh.

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Alan: This is not who I am.
Charlie: Yeah, but who you are, couldn't get laid under water, with a tank full of oxygen.

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Judith: How was your weekend?
Jake: Uncle Charlie says I don't have to tell you.

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Alan: Jake, go to your room.
Jake: If you're going to talk about sex, why don't you go to your own room?
Alan: [turning to Jake] Now!

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[looks at a picture of the pretty actress that will be his date]
Alan: That her?
[blows his nose]
Alan: I'm cured!

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Alan: Hold on Mom,
[puts a hand over the phone]
Alan: Charlie, Mom says if she is ever comatose, she wants you to decided to pull the plug or not.
Charlie: [doesn't even think about it] Pull.
Alan: Mom, Charlie on board.

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Alan: Jake, for the last time, nobody got "creamed", no one won, no one lost.
Jake: Yeah except for us, twelve to two.
Charlie: Well it doesn't matter if you win or lose; it's whether or not you beat the spread.

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Alan: Help me Charlie, I wanna sing for no reason.

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Jake: I understand.
Charlie: Do you?
Jake: No, I'm just tired and I don't care anymore.

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Alan: There's a special section in Hell reserved for people like you Charlie
Charlie: That's good, because I'd hate to stand in line!

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Alan: Pretty flowers
Charlie: [sarcastically] Thanks
Alan: Wanna stick 'em somewhere?

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Dr. Linda Freeman: Do you like puppets?
Alan: Not really.
Dr. Linda Freeman: [taking out the cow-puppet and changing her voice] Neither do I!

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