Dr. Fritz Fassbender:
My father, the most beloved gynecologist in Vienna, before they took him away on a morals charge for indecent exposure at the State Opera House, said, and I quote: "Please do not take me away, I will not do it again."
Victor Skakapopulis:
Brilliant quote.
Dr. Fritz Fassbender:
He was a brilliant pervert.
Michael James:
Did you find a job?
Victor Skakapopulis:
Yeah, I got something at the striptease. I help the girls dress and undress.
Michael James:
Nice job.
Victor Skakapopulis:
Twenty francs a week.
Michael James:
Not very much.
Victor Skakapopulis:
It's all I can afford.
Liz Bien:
Would you excuse me for a minute? I'm going into the bathroom to take an overdose of sleeping pills.
Michael James:
I like you. You're a nice stable girl.
Dr. Fritz Fassbender:
I am a doctor of the mind.
Victor Skakapopulis:
Really?
Dr. Fritz Fassbender:
Yes!
Victor Skakapopulis:
I have terrible emotional problems. Could you help me?
Dr. Fritz Fassbender:
You certainly picked a very odd time to ask me, just in the middle of a suicide.
Anna Fassbender:
[
delivers a Wagnerian Valkyrie yodel]
Rita:
Who is that thing?
Dr. Fritz Fassbender:
That is no thing, it's my wife!
Dr. Fritz Fassbender:
Silence when you're shouting at me!
Michael James:
As a man's life goes down the drain, you are there.
Miss Marks:
Oh, Michael, this can't work, I'm 34 and you're 12!
Michael James:
Don't be negative.
Michael James:
What in the name of all that's gracious is a semi-virgin?
Liz Bien:
You're right. I must face my problems. I can't go through life being a semi-virgin.
Michael James:
What, in the name of all that is gracious, is a semi-virgin?
Liz Bien:
Here, I'm a virgin. In America, I'm not.
Michael James:
What do they do? Stamp it on your passport?
Doctor:
[
Liz Bien, the stripper, has just made her second suicide attempt while in Michael's company. The same ER doctor has responded] You wouldn't happen to be the young lady's fiancee, would you?
Michael James:
No, just a friend.
Doctor:
Pretty rough friendship you've got there.
Dr. Fritz Fassbender:
You're grotesque!
Anna Fassbender:
Lascivious adulterer!
Dr. Fritz Fassbender:
Don't you dare call me that again until I have looked it up!
Anna Fassbender:
Is she prettier than me?
Dr. Fritz Fassbender:
Is she prettier than you? I'M prettier than YOU!
[
Carole has taken Michael's car keys]
Michael James:
Give me the key.
Carole Werner:
No. Take a cab.
Michael James:
I don't wish to take a key, I want my carcabs!
Carole Werner:
We're married thirty seconds and already you look at other women.
Michael James:
I had to look at her, she was talking to me, I looked in the direction the sound was coming from.
Victor Skakapopulis:
Do you have any salt?
Dr. Fritz Fassbender:
Have I got any salt? I got a boat, I got kerosene, matches, firecrackers, two swords, and this flag. But, I ain't got no salt.
Dr. Fritz Fassbender:
My wife, the creature that ate Europe, is here.
Victor Skakapopulis:
I just burnt my finger! I'm going to go in the bathroom and scream. I'll be out in a minute.
Dr. Fritz Fassbender:
You'll like this group analysis, it's a real freak show. If it gets dull, we sing songs.
Michael James:
In Britain, we have a national therapy, we call it cricket. Unlike other sports, it doesn't involve anxieties or pressures. It's leisurely and lyrical. It's the song of willow on leather.
Dr. Fritz Fassbender:
Is there any sex in it?
Michael James:
Oh, no. This is a game for gentlemen, played by gentlemen.
Dr. Fritz Fassbender:
It's sick, sick.
Anna Fassbender:
Foiled by a cheap cinematic trick!
Dr. Fritz Fassbender:
I, uh, decided to follow you here.
Michael James:
If you followed me here, how did you contrive to be here before me?
Dr. Fritz Fassbender:
I followed you... very fast.
Dr. Fritz Fassbender:
May I explain that what you see happening here is merely an illusion...
Anna Fassbender:
An illusion?
Dr. Fritz Fassbender:
An illusion. Shut the door, count three...
Anna Fassbender:
Three?
Dr. Fritz Fassbender:
Four, if you like, but close the door and you'll see it's just an illusion.
Michael James:
I'll be back tomorrow. If I'm not back tomorrow, send for the police. If they're not back tomorrow, send my clothes.
Dr. Fritz Fassbender:
If it fails, then we'll try something else, because I use all kinds of unorthodox methods. For example, I've had the greatest success shutting people in dark closets.
Mayor's clerk:
I can't spell Sigismund.
Dr. Fritz Fassbender:
I think that you have a little sexual block over the spelling of that naughty name. Allow me to help you, I'm a psychoanalyst, among other things.
Victor Skakapopulis:
We played strip chess. She had me down to my shorts and I fainted from tension.
Carole Werner:
You got something to eat?
Victor Skakapopulis:
[
Looking around his messy kitchen] Some, uh, some Fig Newtons and some Hershey bars and some cough drops.
Carole Werner:
You got any tuna fish?
Victor Skakapopulis:
[
Searching cupboard] Tuna fish... tuna fish... I have some salmon salad left.
Carole Werner:
What do you mean, left? When did you make it?
Victor Skakapopulis:
In April, but if you smother it with pepper it's fine.
Carole Werner:
You got something to eat?
Victor Skakapopulis:
[
Looking around his messy kitchen] Some, uh, some fig-newtons and some hershey bars and some cough drops
Carole Werner:
You got any tuna fish?
Victor Skakapopulis:
[
Searching cupboard] Tunafish... Tunafish... I have some salmon salad left
Carole Werner:
What do you mean, left? When did you make it?
Victor Skakapopulis:
In April but if you smother it with pepper it's fine.
Dr. Fritz Fassbender:
I've hated you from the first moment I married you!
Dr. Fritz Fassbender:
When did all this come to an end?
Michael James:
It didn't come to an end! That's the point.
Dr. Fritz Fassbender:
You are a monster and a monster, in that order.
Dr. Fritz Fassbender:
[
leafing through a dictionary] "Lascivious adulterer... a man who is a lascivious adulterer"? What kind of book is this?
Michael James:
I've had a lot of experience fondling, er, handling young women like you. And it's all got to stop.
Michael James:
Pussycat from the sky, I can't resist you.
Rita:
Don't resist. Capitulate.
Man In Strip Club:
[
Richard Burton in cameo appearance] Excuse me, haven't *you* seen *me* somewhere before?
Michael James:
I know the name, but I can't remember the face.
Renee Lefebvre:
You see, I can't help it, I'm a physical woman. I feel guilty about it. But I come from a family of acute nymphomaniacs. That includes my father and my two brothers.
Dr. Fritz Fassbender:
My darling! Your face is like the pale autumn moon!
Michael James:
Ahhh. A little gentle steam does one the world of good. We must have physical health as well as mental health. Ah, I'm kinky for steam!
Michael James:
[
in a dream] RIGHT! I want ALL YOU CATS... to SHAPE UP!
[
cracks whip madly]
Michael James:
Look, I know you'll think this is crazy, but, er, when the light hits me from a certain direction, I'm... handsome
[
swigs from bottle]
Dr. Fritz Fassbender:
I'll see you next Friday - I've got a few phone calls to make.
Michael James:
But I haven't finished - I've only been here fifteen minutes.
Dr. Fritz Fassbender:
I can't take more than fifteen minutes of your sex life at one time.
Renee Lefebvre:
When the light hits him a certain way, he's almost handsome.
Michael James:
Could you tell me about your typical clientele?
Etienne:
My typical clientele?
Michael James:
Typical.
Etienne:
All the people who are here now are typical clientele.
Michael James:
Really?
Etienne:
There is a man cheating on his wife in room Lola Montez. There is a woman cheating on her two husbands in Carlotta. Two lovers of indeterminate sex in Reine Margot. And two men cheating in Don Juan.
Michael James:
Yes. Well, once might say the joint is jumping.
[
Liz has just taken an overdose of pills at Michael's apartment for the third time]
Doctor:
Mademoiselle, the boys at the Emergency Suicide ward have voted to give you this gold watch for unusual devotion.
Victor Skakapopulis:
Pardon me, drunk, but you can't come in here.
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