Myron:
It's a dangerous thing, ambition. Ruined Mickey Mouse's whole career.
[
at Myron's sex-change operation]
Surgeon:
We'll have to blow up your tits with silicon.
Myron:
I thought they used paraffin.
Surgeon:
No! That would make them inflammable! You don't want inflammable tits, now, do you?
[
at Myron's sex-change operation]
Surgeon:
You realize, once we cut it off, it won't grow back. I mean, it isn't like hair, or fingernails, or toenails, you know.
Myron:
What do you think I am, some kind of idiot? I know that!
Surgeon:
How about circumcision? It'd be cheaper.
Myron:
Come on, come on, come on! Let's get it over with! Myra's waiting!
Myron:
Where are my tits? Where are my tits?
Myra:
I am Myra Breckinridge, whom no man will ever possess. The new woman whose astonishing history started with a surgeon's scalpel, and will end... who-knows-where. Just as Eve was born from Adam's rib, so Myron died to give birth to Myra. Did Myron take his own life, you will ask? Yes, and no, is my answer. Beyond that, my lips are sealed. Let it suffice for me to say that Myron is... with me, and that I am the fulfillment of all his dreams. Who is Myra Breckinridge? What is she? Myra Breckinridge is a dish, and don't you ever forget it, you motherfuckers - as the children say nowadays.
Myra:
My purpose in coming to Hollywood is the destruction of the American male in all its particulars.
Rusty Godowsky:
What are you gonna do?
Myra Breckinridge:
I shall ball you Rusty. It's very simple.
Myra:
You have a lot to learn. All you men have a lot to learn. And I have taken it upon myself to teach you.
Rusty Godowsky:
What do you mean?
Myra:
This is the most important part of your education. The part your teachers fail to instruct you in. It's called balling.
Rusty Godowsky:
I know how to do that!
Myra:
That's what you think. Did you know you have a temperature?
Rusty Godowsky:
No I didn't!
Myra:
Well you do. But no matter. I shall cure what's wrong with you.
Rusty Godowsky:
What are you gonna do?
Myra:
I shall ball you rusty. It's very simple.
[
Letitia has been pulled over by a policeman]
Leticia Van Allen:
Don't forget to remind me about the policeman's balls - I mean police show!
Myra Breckinridge:
How should a man act?
Rusty Godowsky:
He should ball chicks, that's how.
Leticia Van Allen:
Nevermind about the six feet. Let's talk about the seven inchces.
Buck Loner:
Oh, that feels real good, honey.
Myra:
You unimagated piece of shit!
Italian man:
In my country, to wait for love is like to burn by inches.
Leticia Van Allen:
You're the best salesman since Columbus.
Italian man:
He was a good lover, too?
Leticia Van Allen:
Yeah, he raised hell-a with Isabella.
Leticia Van Allen:
Wel, the end of another busy day. I can't wait till I get back to bed. If that don't work I'll try to sleep.
Myron:
Your goal is...
Myra:
My goal is the destruction of the last vestigial traces of traditional manhood...
Myron:
In order to...
Myra:
Realign the sexes...
Myron:
While...
Myra:
Decreasing the population...
Myron:
Thus...
Myra:
Increasing human happiness...
Myron:
And...
Myra:
Preparing humanity for its next stage.
Myron:
Bravo. Also... bullshit.
[
Rusty is strapped to a table, bent-over]
Myra:
You think that being a man is such a simple thing. A man would ball chicks you said. Well I tried to explain it to you but you wouldn't listen, so I'm afraid you require a practical demonstration.
[
Myra puts on a strap-on, off screen, but it's rather obvious]
Rusty Godowsky:
Oh my God! Jesus, You'll kill me!
Myra:
I won't kill you, Rusty. I'll just educate you! You and the rest of America. Must be demonstrated to you practically, that there is no such thing as manhood. It died with Burt Lancaster in "Vera Cruz". Your manhood was taken by Errol Flynn and Clark Gable! I am only going to supply you with the finishing touches.
[
Myra and Mary Ann are in bed together]
Mary Ann Pringle:
If only there was some man like you. I'd really fall, I would. But not like this. If only you were a man...
[
Myra talks to talent agent Leticia Van Allen]
Myra:
You see, Miss Van Allen, Uncle Buck and I deal in myths, and movie stars are like gods and goddesses. When one fades, another promptly takes its place, because the human race require that the Pantheon always be filled. And you and I must seek out the glittering few that are the new stars, of our race, reborn!
Charlie Flager Jr.:
The point is, can you prove you were married, that's all!
Myra:
Proof will arrive before the end of the week in the person of Dr Randolph Spencer Montag.
Charlie Flager Jr.:
Montag? The great dental psychiatrist?
Buck Loner:
What's that?
Masseuse:
Swedish massage.
[
She tries a whip, slapping her hand with it]
Buck Loner:
What do you... do with it.
Masseuse:
I beat you with it.
[
She slaps her hand again]
Buck Loner:
Does it... hurt?
Masseuse:
You bet your ass.
Buck Loner:
Something's wrong here, someplace...
[
talent agent Leticia Van Allen is in her office with a young male client]
Leticia Van Allen:
Well, I don't care about your credits as long as you're oversexed.
Stud:
Oh, that's one of my credits!
[
a curtain goes up behind Leticia, revealing a bed]
Stud:
A bed! I never did see a bed in an office before.
Leticia Van Allen:
Well, you see I, I do a lot of night work sometimes.
Myra:
Gentlemen... I am Myron Breckinridge! Uncle Buck, your fag nephew became your neice two years ago in Copenhagen and is now free as a bird and happy in being the most extraordinary woman in the world!
Buck Loner:
That's the ball game.
Myra:
[
after raping Rusty] Well, aren't you going to thank me for all the trouble I've taken?
Rusty Godowsky:
Thank you, ma'am.
Myra Breckinridge:
American women are eager for men to rape them. And vice versa.
Leticia Van Allen:
How tall are you when you're off your horse, cowboy?
Young Man at "Interview":
Um, six feet, seven inches, ma'am.
Leticia Van Allen:
Well, never mind the six feet, and let's talk about the seven inches.
Buck Loner:
How's it goin' ladies?
Bobby Dean Loner:
Just great swweeetie.
Buck Loner:
Playin' Canasta?
Bobby Dean Loner:
That's right swweeetie.
Bobby Dean Loner:
How's your Poker game going swweeetie?
Buck Loner:
Jus' fine.
Myra:
Stand up when a woman comes in the room, you son of a bitch!
Leticia Van Allen:
It doesn't take much, c'mon get your fill of it! Do something just for the thrill of it!
Myra:
Oh, Leticia, they don't call you the queen of the casting couch for nothing.
Leticia Van Allen:
Hm, from what I understand, they're voting me a special Academy Award.
Myra:
An Oscar?
Leticia Van Allen:
No. A golden phallus. And let me tell you, one day we'll have our own stable of studs.
Myra:
A steady stream of sturdy studs!
Leticia Van Allen:
Hm, a boy bank where credit is always good. Sort of a layered day plan.
Myra:
God bless America!
Leticia Van Allen:
God help America!
Myra:
What you have assembled here are the national dregs, the misfits and neurotics. In short, the fuckups of our culture.
Buck Loner:
That ain't so. They are the carefully selected candidates for future stardom.
Myra:
Bullshit!
Buck Loner:
You can't talk to me like that, young lady. I'll have you outta here so fast, your hair'll curl.
Myra:
You just try it and I'll take this place away from you lock, stock and empathy class.
Myra Breckinridge:
[
after punching Uncle Buck] That, students, was a classic stage slap delivered so as to give the impression that the subject has been hit very hard in the mouth. It was first developed by Patricia Collinge in The Little Foxes, 1941.
[
Uncle Buck is walking dazed out of the room]
Myra Breckinridge:
Oh. Thank you for the demonstration, Uncle Buck.
[
everyone claps]
Myron:
Why are you so fascinated by the girl?
Myra:
But having raped Rusty's manhood, I must now complete the cycle and seduce his girl. Only then will my victory be complete. Thus exerting power over both sexes and, indeed, over life itself.
Myron:
[
singing to himself while on the operating table, waiting for his sex change operation] I've got a secret place/Known to none but me/And in my secret place/You can beg and torture me.
Leticia Van Allen:
You impressed me immensely.I'll keep you in mind as a summer replacement. Next.
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