Grandma Steinmetz:
Of course I have to humor Herbie. He used to be a famous racing car, but his driver went off to Europe to drive foreign cars, so he's a little sensitive. You can understand that.
Willoughby Whitfield:
We understand your position Mrs. Steinmetz. That's why Mr. Hawk has authorized...
Grandma Steinmetz:
Don't tell me you're from Alonzo Hawk?
Willoughby Whitfield:
Yes.
Grandma Steinmetz:
Oh, and you have such a nice face.
Grandma Steinmetz:
Oh Nicole, I want you to meet a gentleman from Mr. Hawk.
Nicole Harris:
How do you do?
[
Nicole punches Willoughby in the jaw, knocking him to the ground]
Willoughby Whitfield:
Please, Miss Harris, I can't believe Uncle Alonzo would do things like that.
Nicole Harris:
Wait a minute! Uncle? He's your uncle?
Willoughby Whitfield:
Yes. That's what I've been trying to tell...
Nicole Harris:
You rotten spy!
[
she takes a lobster from the waiter's tray and smacks Willoughby, knocking him over the railing and into the water]
Willoughby Whitfield:
[
rehearsing to his mirror] Uncle Alonzo, I've dropped by to talk to you man to man, so I can look you squarely in the eye.
[
he dabs makeup around his eye]
Willoughby Whitfield:
No, I'm wearing make-up because of a black eye. A girl hit me in the face with a boiled lobster the moment I mentioned your name.
[
glances at his note cards]
Willoughby Whitfield:
This same wonderful, intelligent, clear-sighted girl was able to convince me what kind of a person you really are.
[
looks at notes]
Willoughby Whitfield:
I do not hold with your scheme of cheating Mrs. Steinmetz out of her home so that you may build your concrete anthill on the spot where she has known so much happiness. Hm.
[
looks at notes]
Willoughby Whitfield:
I think you are despicable, greedy, grasping, and wholly without principle or pity.
[
pause]
Willoughby Whitfield:
I also believe you are not a nice person.
Secretary:
I'm sorry, Mr. Hawk. I called the motel but they said your nephew checked out.
Alonzo Hawk:
[
angrily] What do you mean he's checked out? When? Where? Who told him he could check out? How dare he disappear when he knows I'm worried sick? I'll tear his chicken-livered gizzard to pieces! I'll stomp him silly! I'll take this letter knife, and I'll stab that kid right in his ungrateful breastbone! You know me Millicent, normally I'm a kindly, fun-loving fellow! But when I get crossed...
[
weakly, slumping down at desk]
Alonzo Hawk:
I go bananas.
Waiter:
The giant lobster is very good tonight sir. Uh, of course. No lobster.
Nicole Harris:
If I do marry Willaby, I'd like the satisfaction of nailing him myself!
Willoughby Whitfield:
[
at the end of his rehearsal speech to his uncle] Please do not send us any more fruit for Christmas.
Alonzo Hawk:
[
speaking to his secretary about a group of men in his office] Who're these clowns?
Secretary:
They're your new lawyers, Mr. Hawk. You fired the others yesterday.
Alonzo Hawk:
Okay, fellas, now I want to tear down the Steinmetz firehouse. Okay?
Lawyer:
Just a moment. Mr Hawk. Do you have the necessary permit?
Alonzo Hawk:
[
suddenly becomes angry] Of course I don't have a permit! I don't even own the land yet!
Secretary:
Sorry, Mr Hawk. Such an action would only jeopardize your entire legal standing of your new building. We can't permit...
Alonzo Hawk:
[
shouts angrily] Will you get outta here? I didn't hire you to tell me what I can't do, I hired you to tell me how I could do it! GOOOOOO!
[
lawyers run out of the office]
Willoughby Whitfield:
Why do you prentend to talk to this car? Some people might wonder.
Nicole Harris:
Don't listen to him, Herbie. Just move it.
Nicole Harris:
Sweet dreams, Herbie.
Loostgarten:
Loostgarten speaking
Willoughby Whitfield:
[
imitating Hawk's voice over the telephone] This is Alonzo Hawk.
Loostgarten:
Right, Mr. Hawk.
Willoughby Whitfield:
Loostgarten, there's been a slight change in plan. I don't want you to knock down the firehouse tonight. Instead I want you to knock down 343 Oleander Heights. You got that 343 Oleander Heights?
Loostgarten:
Right.
Willoughby Whitfield:
Write it down. I don't want you to be blackballed in the wrecking ball buisness. If you know what I mean.
Willoughby Whitfield:
[
as they go for a ride in Herbie] Let's stop kidding ourselves, okay? This is just an ordinary little car. Like a million other ordinary, rather unattractive...
[
suddenly, Herbie takes off down the road]
Nicole Harris:
I don't think you should've said that. Herbie's very sensitive about his appearance!
[
Alonzo Hawk is lying on the couch in his office after having an angry fit over the phone with his nephew]
Lawyer:
Don't worry, Mr. Hawk. I'm sure you'll feel better in the morning.
Alonzo Hawk:
Ah, stop talking like an idiot. I feel better right now! Alonzo Hawk can be betrayed, but he is never defeated! Out of my way!
[
Gets up and moves to his desk]
Alonzo Hawk:
Since none of you pitful excuses for men have enough muscle to move a feeble little old lady off her property, I'll go and do it myself, like I have to everything that's important around here.
Lawyer:
Now, Mr. Hawk...
Alonzo Hawk:
Oh, shut up! We'll start on Number 1 - Harassment! And I wrote the book on harrassment - We'll shut up her phone, turn off her water; we'll sic the Health & Building inspectors on her, steal her dog.
Lawyer:
She doesn't have a dog.
Alonzo Hawk:
What do you mean she doesn't have a dog? A little old lady living in a place like that? Who does she look for? How does she get around?
Lawyer:
She has a little car she goes everywhere in.
Alonzo Hawk:
Well then, you fellows go and pick it up!
Lawyer:
Yes, Mr. Hawk!
[
the lawyers start to leave]
Alonzo Hawk:
[
Mutters to himself] Bunch of lame-brains!
[
shouts to his lawyers]
Alonzo Hawk:
Hold it! Hold it! You fellows will probably even foul up on a simple assignment like this. The first team is on the job now - I'LL go and pick the car up myself!
[
Gets up and walks out of the office]
Alonzo Hawk:
Over-rated cage of PINHEADS!
Alonzo Hawk:
At the tender age of nineteen, I was the best known repossessor of cars west of the Mississippi. Hot-wire Hawk, they called me.
Alonzo Hawk:
[
being stopped by a policeman in traffic] The traffic commissioner shall hear of this!
Traffic Commissioner:
I *am* the commissioner.
Alonzo Hawk:
Then what're you doing in that monkey suit? A traffic commissioner would dress in dignified clothes.
Traffic Commissioner:
This happens to be my dress uniform. I was on my way to the ceremony for I Am A Policeman Day.
[
a window washer appears behind Alonzo Hawk to wash the window. The noise of the machine disturbs Hawk, who angrily orders the washer to stop]
Alonzo Hawk:
[
flinging the window open] You idiot! What do you think you're doing?
Window washer:
Washing the windows. Every Wednesday. Mr. Hawk's orders.
Alonzo Hawk:
*I'm* Mr. Hawk! Get outta here!
Window washer:
Okay. Cancel the windows.
[
He moves his platform away, but not before calling out to Hawk to remind him about something]
Window washer:
And you better shut the window; runs up the air-conditioning bill!
Alonzo Hawk:
[
yelling] You're fired! Get your money and...
Window washer:
[
calling] Mr. Hawk's orders!
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