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'Conan: the Barbarian'. Even the mere mention of the title draws out chuckles and derogatory comments about Arnold's acting ability, mostly from people who have not seen the movie. However, the fact remains, that out of the numerous SnS-movies that were released from the early eighties to today, this is the one people remember and still watch. It had all the ingredients of exploitation SnS: gratuitous nudity, tons of violence and oiled musclemen. What set it apart from its peers was a director/writer totally committed to making a great movie, tons of money, a producer who wasn't afraid of a 'R' rating, great actors, and a star who was too dumb to realize the inherent silliness of his role. The results are on screen, and they are amazing. I own the movie on DVD and the soundtrack, and I can safely say that in my collection, it ranks among the Godfather Trilogy and Kurosawa's films. Yes, I'm totally serious.John Milius hasn't directed a lot of movies, and the majority of them have been pretty awful. This one is a great exception. His genius lay, among other things, in casting physically strong non-actors for most of the roles: Sandahl Bergman was a dancer, Arnold was a body-builder and Gerry Lopez was a surfer. The dialogue-heavy parts are done by experienced character-actors who take themselves seriously enough to give GREAT performances. The juxtaposition of the pretty wooden trio of adventurers to the skilled and energetic performances of the pros makes the whole thing work. Writing is damn good for the kind of movie this is, sporting classic, quotable lines as well as surprisingly sensible dialogue (Sandahl's monologue to Arnold is a good example). As far as production design goes, this film was done by Ron Cobb, who always does good work (he did Alien and Aliens). Money flowed relatively freely, by which I mean that the sets look great and the props are mostly top-notch. In these CGI-heavy times when fights are so ridiculously over-choreographed it almost hurts, it's a pleasure to see Conan's basic, but believable combat. Characters hit, miss and parry in a slow tempo which might not be as exciting as say, the Lord of the Rings trilogy, but is infinitely easier to swallow as a depiction of ancient battles. The fight at the end stands out as a masterpiece by Milius, who employed every strategic trick in the book to make the memorable last stand by Conan and Subotai. The latter merits special attention: even though Gerry Lopez might not exactly have been Oscar-material, he was so damn cool that it all made up for the lesser moments. If I had been Conan thousands of years ago, I would most certainly have chosen Subotai as my buddy, if only for the sheer coolness of having a wise-cracking archer at my side while I screwed beautiful women and fought body-builders. The score is recognized as one of the best of the eighties, and Poledouris certainly did a magnificent job on it. At first, I couldn't understand what the fuzz was all about and found it rather average. After repeated viewings I finally understand why it's so good and why I didn't like it at first. Basil Poledouris (who has worked on Robocop among other films) deftly avoided the movie-music clichés which permeate the industry. By clichés I mean the vocabulary set up by the industry giants that everyone employs: Williams, Horner, Elfman, Zimmer, Arnold and their like utilize pretty similar motifs, themes and harmony. Conan's score eschews these for an operatic score with highly recognizable themes. Rather than being relegated to building up the tension with hit points or any similar technique, the music works alongside the film on equal footing, and this functions tremendously well. You are not as much watching Conan as you are listening to it!I bought this movie on DVD not too long ago, and while the visual transfer is GREAT, the sound languishes in mono-land, which means that the score does not get the stereo treatment it so deserves. Special features include a perfunctory but informing documentary, cast and crew, trailers and cut scenes. Audio commentary from the director and Arnold is of mixed quality. While Milius offers a lot of insight into the symbolism (I had no idea it was this heavy) and directing of Conan, Arnold is like an overpaid old lady giving running commentary from Planet Obvious. 'Aaaah, deez is weaaarr aie mett Sanduuuhll', Arnold blurters, much to the understandable chagrin of Milius. Chemistry is non-existent between the two, Milius just overrides Arnold to get to his next intellectual exercise. They should have dropped Schwarzenegger and gotten Ron Cobb or Dino de Laurentiis or something.In short, despite the pretty wooden acting, Conan manages to be a thoroughly enjoyable and even intelligent movie (watch the documentary and listen to Milius's commentary, and you'll know what I mean), with fantastic production, a brilliant score and classic dialogue. Some may nitpick over a few cheesy effects and bad wigs, but these faults are minor and do little to detract from what may be the best fantasy movie ever. 9/10
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