Peter Dellaplane:
Murder is a tool!
Officer Kornblau:
So what's your name?
Albert:
A-Albert. A-Albert Smith.
Officer Lack:
Albert, your mother and father weren't by any chance brother and sister, were they?
Albert:
Hey man, what's gon' happen to me?
Officer Kornblau:
Oh, nothing. Uh, wel-nothing much, uh... you might have to endure a little session with, uh, Action Jackson.
Albert:
Wh-who's Axon...?
Officer Lack:
*Action*, Albert. *Action Jackson*.
Officer Kornblau:
Yeah, some say he didn't even have a mother. That some researchers at NASA created him to be the first man to walk on the moon without a space suit.
Officer Lack:
Mm-hmm.
Officer Kornblau:
Others say his mother was molested by Bigfoot and, uh, Jackson is their mutant offspring.
Officer Lack:
They bring in Jackson when they want to re-educate some young ne'er-do-well such as yourself, Albert.
Officer Kornblau:
Yeah, I remember one kid got re-educated so bad, his testicles climbed back up into his belly. Wouldn't come out.
Officer Lack:
They called it a medical miracle.
Officer Kornblau:
Yeah. Another kid, handcuffed to a chair; gnawed his own hand off like a trapped skunk, or wolverine, or somethin'.
Officer Kornblau:
It was a regular fuck-o-rama at my place last night.
Officer Lack:
Can the shit, Kornblau. There ain't been any pussy at your pad since your mother helped you move in. They oughta call your place the House of Wax.
[
turning a flamethrower on a bad guy]
Action Jackson:
How do you like your ribs?
Peter Dellaplane:
You have this nickname - what is it, excitement, enthusiasm, esprit de corps-
Action Jackson:
[
cutting off Dellaplane] -It's ACTION!
Officer Lack:
Have you ever had your head forcibly rammed up your ass?
Officer Kornblau:
uh, no
Officer Lack:
Well mark your calendar...that day's coming!
Officer Kornblau:
That's one dead piece of shit car builder!
Capt. Earl Armbruster:
Just because Dellaplane had a few family problems...
Action Jackson:
The man's son is a sexual psychopath! If I had family problems like that, I'd have myself neutered.
Capt. Earl Armbruster:
You almost tore that boy's arm off!
Action Jackson:
So? He had a spare.
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