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Army of Darkness (1992)
Ash:
It's a trick. Get an axe.
Sheila: I may be bad... but I feel gooood.
Ash: Yeah!
[after shooting King Arthur's sword in half]
Ash: Ok you Primitive Screwheads, listen up! You see this? This... is my boomstick! The 12-gauge double-barreled Remington. S-Mart's top of the line. You can find this in the sporting goods department. That's right, this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Retails for about $109.95. It's got a walnut stock, cobalt blue steel, and a hair trigger. That's right. Shop smart. Shop S-Mart. You got that?
[opening monologue]
Ash: My name is Ash and I am a slave. As far as I can tell, the year is 1300 A.D and I'm being dragged to my death. It wasn't always like this, I had a normal life, once.
Ash: [now Ash is in a flashback] Hardware aisle twelve, shop smart, shop S-Mart!
Ash: [back to monologue] I had a beautiful girlfriend named Linda. We decided to spend a weekend at an abandoned cabin in the woods. While there we found a book, Necronomiconexmortis, roughly translated, the Book of the Dead. Inked in human blood and bound in human flesh it was never meant for the world of the living. The book awoke something in the woods, something evil.
[something crashes through the window of the cabin and Linda screams]
Ash: It took Linda. Then it came after me, it got into my hand and it went bad, so I lopped it off at the wrist.
[Ash is seen cutting off his hand]
Ash: But that didn't stop it, it came back for more.
Ash: [Ash gets pulled into the vortex holding onto the doorway] For God's sake how do you stop it?
[Ash falls into the vortex and the opening credits start]
Duke Henry: You're not one of my vassals... who are you?
Ash: Who wants to know?
Duke Henry: I am Henry the Red. Duke of Shale, Lord of the Northlands and leader of its peoples.
Ash: Well hello Mister Fancypants. Well, I've got news for you pal, you ain't leadin' but two things: Jack and shit... and Jack just left town.
[Sheila wants to apologize to Ash]
Ash: First you wanna kill me, now you wanna kiss me. Blow.
Sheila: But what of all those sweet words you spoke in private?
Ash: Oh that's just what we call pillow talk, baby, that's all.
Ash: [to the Witch] Yo, she-bitch! Let's go!
[Upon getting the powered glove in place of his right hand]
Ash: Groovy.
Ash: Don't touch that please, your primitive intellect wouldn't understand things with alloys and compositions and things with... molecular structures.
[In a passionate moment of romance]
Ash: Gimme some sugar, baby.
Ash: Clatto Verata Nicto.
Wiseman: Well, repeat them.
Ash: Clatto Verata Nicto.
Wiseman: Again.
Ash: I got it, I got it! I know your damn words, alright?
Ash: Clatto Verata N... Necktie... Nickel... It's an "N" word, it's definitely an "N" word!
Arthur: Are all men from the future loud-mouthed braggarts?
Ash: Nope. Just me baby... Just me.
[as undead Ash stands triumphant on catapult]
Ash: Buckle up Bonehead. 'Cause you're goin' for a ride!
Old Woman: I'll swallow your soul!
Ash: Come get some.
Ash: Lady, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave the store.
Possessed woman: Who the hell are you?
Ash: Name's Ash.
[cocks rifle]
Ash: Housewares.
[last lines]
Ash: [voiceover] Sure, I could have stayed in the past. I could have even been king. But in my own way, I *am* king.
[Ash grabs girl close]
Ash: Hail to the king, baby.
[Ash kisses the girl]
Arthur: How will we stop an army of the dead at our castle walls? How will you fight that? With more words? Most of our people have already fled. We are but sixty men.
Sheila: You found me beautiful once...
Ash: Honey, you got reeeal ugly!
Ash: Good. Bad. I'm the guy with the gun.
[from Director's Cut]
Ash: What are you? Are you me?
Evil Ash: Whad are do? Are do be? HAHAHAHAHAH! You sound like a jerk!
Ash: Why ya doin' this, huh?
Evil Ash: Oh, you wanna know? 'Cause the answer's easy! I'm BAD Ash... and you're GOOD Ash! You're a goody little two-shoes! Little goody two-shoes! Little goody two-shoes!
[begins to sucker-punch Ash]
Evil Ash: Goody little TWO-SHOES! Goody little TWO-SHOES! HEHEHEHEHE!
[honk honk honk]
Evil Ash: GOODY LITTLE TWO-SHOES! GOODY LITTLE...
Ash: [cocks shotgun and points it under Evil Ash's nose]
[nods head and shoots him]
Ash: I ain't that good.
[as an evil Ash begins growing out of his shoulder]
Ash: Oh, dear God, it's growing bigger!
[when Sheila walks into the blacksmith's shop to talk to Ash]
Ash: What? Were you raised in a barn? Shut the door! Probably was raised in a barn, along with the other primitives.
Evil Ash: I got a bone to pick with you.
Evil Ash: You're pissing me off, you ugly son of a bitch!
Evil Ash: [Admiring Sheila] Well aren't you the sweetest little thing?
Sheila: [Being handled by Evil Ash] Don't touch me! You foul thing!
Evil Ash: Your gonna learn to love me, missy.
Sheila: The Promised one will come for you.
Evil Ash: Darlin' I'm gonna save him the trouble.
Ash: Keep your damn filthy bones outta my mouth.
Skeleton: Let's get the hell out of here!
Old Woman: Into the pit with those bloody-thirsty sons of whores!
Ash: London bridge is falling down, falling down, falling doown!
[steps on a nail held by the mini Ashes]
Mini Ashs: My fair lady ha!
Evil Ash: You're going down!
Ash: I'm going up!
Ash: Oh you little bastards! All right, I'll crush each and every last one of ya! I'll squash you so hard you'll have to look down to look up!
Mini Ash: Hey dumbass!
Ash: Now I swear the next one of you primates even *touches* me...
Ash: Maybe. Just maybe my boys can protect the book. Yeah, and maybe I'm a Chinese jet pilot.
[after Ash chops up Evil Ash with a chainsaw and throws him into a hole]
Evil Ash: You'll never retrieve the Necronomicon! You'll die before ya get it!
Ash: Hey! What's that you got on your face?
Evil Ash: Huh?
[Ash throws dirt on Evil Ash's face]
Ash: See how that works?
Ash: Now whoa whoa whoa right there spinach chin!
Skeleton: [dragging topless wench] We got plans for you, Girlie-girl!
Ash: That's it, go ahead and run. Run home and cry to mama!
Skeleton: I'll cut off your gizzard.
[stabbing at Ash's car]
Soldier: What a piece of armor this is!
[to his skeleton minions, who are digging up corpses in a graveyard]
Evil Ash: Dig, damn you! Dig faster! I shall command every worm-infested son-of-a-bitch that ever died in battle!
Skeleton: Thank you, sir!
Ash: [trying to kill a small Ash that has jumped into his mouth and into his stomach, he gets a kettle of boiling water] Okay, little fella, here's a little
[shouts]
Ash: hot chocolate for ya! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ash: Alright. Who wants some?
Ash: [as a soldier blocks his way, he pushes him aside] Get the fuck out of my face!
Deadite Captain: [pulling a newly animated skeleton from the grave] Welcome back to the land of the livin'... NOW PICK UP A SHOVEL AND GET DIGGING!
Ash: [trying to get Deadite Sheila off his back] Get offa me, ya crazy bitch!
Ash: Say hello to the twenty-first century!
Wiseman: When you removed the book from the cradle, did you speak the words?
Ash: Yeah, basically.
Wiseman: Did you speak the exact words?
Ash: Look, maybe I didn't say every tiny syllable, no. But basically I said them, yeah.
[Directors cut ending: Ash emerges from a cave where he's been asleep for 700 years. He looks overjoyed]
Ash: Ha Ha. Manufactured parts. Ha
[Look of joy turns to horror as he sees a world devastated by nuclear war]
Ash: No. No. Oh God I slept too Long.
Ash: [as the credits start] Hahahahahahahahaha
Deadite Captain: Cry Havoc and let loose the Dogs of War!
Ash: [to himself] Like, like what am I supposed to do - take one book, or all books, or what?
Ash: [after being sucked into a blackhole in a fake copy of the Necronomicon and struggling back out] Whoa. Wrong book.
Gold Tooth: He said spikes, give 'im spikes!
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Sheila: I may be bad... but I feel gooood.
Ash: Yeah!
[after shooting King Arthur's sword in half]
Ash: Ok you Primitive Screwheads, listen up! You see this? This... is my boomstick! The 12-gauge double-barreled Remington. S-Mart's top of the line. You can find this in the sporting goods department. That's right, this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Retails for about $109.95. It's got a walnut stock, cobalt blue steel, and a hair trigger. That's right. Shop smart. Shop S-Mart. You got that?
[opening monologue]
Ash: My name is Ash and I am a slave. As far as I can tell, the year is 1300 A.D and I'm being dragged to my death. It wasn't always like this, I had a normal life, once.
Ash: [now Ash is in a flashback] Hardware aisle twelve, shop smart, shop S-Mart!
Ash: [back to monologue] I had a beautiful girlfriend named Linda. We decided to spend a weekend at an abandoned cabin in the woods. While there we found a book, Necronomiconexmortis, roughly translated, the Book of the Dead. Inked in human blood and bound in human flesh it was never meant for the world of the living. The book awoke something in the woods, something evil.
[something crashes through the window of the cabin and Linda screams]
Ash: It took Linda. Then it came after me, it got into my hand and it went bad, so I lopped it off at the wrist.
[Ash is seen cutting off his hand]
Ash: But that didn't stop it, it came back for more.
Ash: [Ash gets pulled into the vortex holding onto the doorway] For God's sake how do you stop it?
[Ash falls into the vortex and the opening credits start]
Duke Henry: You're not one of my vassals... who are you?
Ash: Who wants to know?
Duke Henry: I am Henry the Red. Duke of Shale, Lord of the Northlands and leader of its peoples.
Ash: Well hello Mister Fancypants. Well, I've got news for you pal, you ain't leadin' but two things: Jack and shit... and Jack just left town.
[Sheila wants to apologize to Ash]
Ash: First you wanna kill me, now you wanna kiss me. Blow.
Sheila: But what of all those sweet words you spoke in private?
Ash: Oh that's just what we call pillow talk, baby, that's all.
Ash: [to the Witch] Yo, she-bitch! Let's go!
[Upon getting the powered glove in place of his right hand]
Ash: Groovy.
Ash: Don't touch that please, your primitive intellect wouldn't understand things with alloys and compositions and things with... molecular structures.
[In a passionate moment of romance]
Ash: Gimme some sugar, baby.
Ash: Clatto Verata Nicto.
Wiseman: Well, repeat them.
Ash: Clatto Verata Nicto.
Wiseman: Again.
Ash: I got it, I got it! I know your damn words, alright?
Ash: Clatto Verata N... Necktie... Nickel... It's an "N" word, it's definitely an "N" word!
Arthur: Are all men from the future loud-mouthed braggarts?
Ash: Nope. Just me baby... Just me.
[as undead Ash stands triumphant on catapult]
Ash: Buckle up Bonehead. 'Cause you're goin' for a ride!
Old Woman: I'll swallow your soul!
Ash: Come get some.
Ash: Lady, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave the store.
Possessed woman: Who the hell are you?
Ash: Name's Ash.
[cocks rifle]
Ash: Housewares.
[last lines]
Ash: [voiceover] Sure, I could have stayed in the past. I could have even been king. But in my own way, I *am* king.
[Ash grabs girl close]
Ash: Hail to the king, baby.
[Ash kisses the girl]
Arthur: How will we stop an army of the dead at our castle walls? How will you fight that? With more words? Most of our people have already fled. We are but sixty men.
Sheila: You found me beautiful once...
Ash: Honey, you got reeeal ugly!
Ash: Good. Bad. I'm the guy with the gun.
[from Director's Cut]
Ash: What are you? Are you me?
Evil Ash: Whad are do? Are do be? HAHAHAHAHAH! You sound like a jerk!
Ash: Why ya doin' this, huh?
Evil Ash: Oh, you wanna know? 'Cause the answer's easy! I'm BAD Ash... and you're GOOD Ash! You're a goody little two-shoes! Little goody two-shoes! Little goody two-shoes!
[begins to sucker-punch Ash]
Evil Ash: Goody little TWO-SHOES! Goody little TWO-SHOES! HEHEHEHEHE!
[honk honk honk]
Evil Ash: GOODY LITTLE TWO-SHOES! GOODY LITTLE...
Ash: [cocks shotgun and points it under Evil Ash's nose]
[nods head and shoots him]
Ash: I ain't that good.
[as an evil Ash begins growing out of his shoulder]
Ash: Oh, dear God, it's growing bigger!
[when Sheila walks into the blacksmith's shop to talk to Ash]
Ash: What? Were you raised in a barn? Shut the door! Probably was raised in a barn, along with the other primitives.
Evil Ash: I got a bone to pick with you.
Evil Ash: You're pissing me off, you ugly son of a bitch!
Evil Ash: [Admiring Sheila] Well aren't you the sweetest little thing?
Sheila: [Being handled by Evil Ash] Don't touch me! You foul thing!
Evil Ash: Your gonna learn to love me, missy.
Sheila: The Promised one will come for you.
Evil Ash: Darlin' I'm gonna save him the trouble.
Ash: Keep your damn filthy bones outta my mouth.
Skeleton: Let's get the hell out of here!
Old Woman: Into the pit with those bloody-thirsty sons of whores!
Ash: London bridge is falling down, falling down, falling doown!
[steps on a nail held by the mini Ashes]
Mini Ashs: My fair lady ha!
Evil Ash: You're going down!
Ash: I'm going up!
Ash: Oh you little bastards! All right, I'll crush each and every last one of ya! I'll squash you so hard you'll have to look down to look up!
Mini Ash: Hey dumbass!
Ash: Now I swear the next one of you primates even *touches* me...
Ash: Maybe. Just maybe my boys can protect the book. Yeah, and maybe I'm a Chinese jet pilot.
[after Ash chops up Evil Ash with a chainsaw and throws him into a hole]
Evil Ash: You'll never retrieve the Necronomicon! You'll die before ya get it!
Ash: Hey! What's that you got on your face?
Evil Ash: Huh?
[Ash throws dirt on Evil Ash's face]
Ash: See how that works?
Ash: Now whoa whoa whoa right there spinach chin!
Skeleton: [dragging topless wench] We got plans for you, Girlie-girl!
Ash: That's it, go ahead and run. Run home and cry to mama!
Skeleton: I'll cut off your gizzard.
[stabbing at Ash's car]
Soldier: What a piece of armor this is!
[to his skeleton minions, who are digging up corpses in a graveyard]
Evil Ash: Dig, damn you! Dig faster! I shall command every worm-infested son-of-a-bitch that ever died in battle!
Skeleton: Thank you, sir!
Ash: [trying to kill a small Ash that has jumped into his mouth and into his stomach, he gets a kettle of boiling water] Okay, little fella, here's a little
[shouts]
Ash: hot chocolate for ya! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ash: Alright. Who wants some?
Ash: [as a soldier blocks his way, he pushes him aside] Get the fuck out of my face!
Deadite Captain: [pulling a newly animated skeleton from the grave] Welcome back to the land of the livin'... NOW PICK UP A SHOVEL AND GET DIGGING!
Ash: [trying to get Deadite Sheila off his back] Get offa me, ya crazy bitch!
Ash: Say hello to the twenty-first century!
Wiseman: When you removed the book from the cradle, did you speak the words?
Ash: Yeah, basically.
Wiseman: Did you speak the exact words?
Ash: Look, maybe I didn't say every tiny syllable, no. But basically I said them, yeah.
[Directors cut ending: Ash emerges from a cave where he's been asleep for 700 years. He looks overjoyed]
Ash: Ha Ha. Manufactured parts. Ha
[Look of joy turns to horror as he sees a world devastated by nuclear war]
Ash: No. No. Oh God I slept too Long.
Ash: [as the credits start] Hahahahahahahahaha
Deadite Captain: Cry Havoc and let loose the Dogs of War!
Ash: [to himself] Like, like what am I supposed to do - take one book, or all books, or what?
Ash: [after being sucked into a blackhole in a fake copy of the Necronomicon and struggling back out] Whoa. Wrong book.
Gold Tooth: He said spikes, give 'im spikes!
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