Benny Rodriguez:
Anyone who wants to be a can't-hack-it pantywaist who wears their mama's bra, raise your hand.
[
everyone raises their hands]
Benny Rodriguez:
Man, this is baseball. You gotta stop thinking. Just have fun. I mean, if you were having fun you would've caught that ball. You ever have a paper route?
Smalls:
I helped a guy once.
Benny Rodriguez:
Okay, well chuck it like you throw paper. When your arm gets here, just let go. Just let go, it’s that easy.
[
starts to jog away]
Smalls:
How do I catch it.
Benny Rodriguez:
Just stand out there and stick your glove out in the air. I'll take care of it.
Mom:
Honey, I want you to make some friends this summer, lots of them.
Smalls:
Yeah, I know. But I'm not good at anything, mom. Face it, I'm just an egghead.
Smalls:
You were all leaving, so I thought I'd hop the...
Squints:
If you'da been thinkin you wouldn't 'a thought that.
Squints:
It's about time Benny, my clothes are goin' outa style.
"The Babe":
Remember kid, there's heroes and there's legends. Heroes get remembered but legends never die, follow your heart kid, and you'll never go wrong.
[
about Smalls' hat]
Benny Rodriguez:
Got a fireplace?
Scotty Smalls:
Yeah.
Benny Rodriguez:
Throw that in there, man.
"The Babe":
Let me tell you something kid; Everybody gets one chance to do something great. Most people never take the chance, either because they're too scared, or they don't recognize it when it spits on their shoes.
[
Smalls has lost a baseball signed by Babe Ruth]
Mr. Mertle:
I take it back. You're not in trouble, you're dead where you stand.
Ham Porter:
Hey, Smalls, you wanna s'more?
Smalls:
Some more of what?
Ham Porter:
No, do you wanna s'more?
Smalls:
I haven't had anything yet, so how can I have some more of nothing?
Ham Porter:
You're killing me Smalls! These are s'more's stuff! Alrite now pay attention. First you take the graham, you stick the chocolate on the graham. Then you roast the 'mallow. When the 'mallows flaming... you stick it on the chocolate. Then cover with the other end. Then you scarf. Kind of messy, but good!
Ham Porter:
This pop isn't workin', Benny! I'm bakin' like a toasted cheese-it! It's so hot here!
[
the Sandlot Kids and their arch-rivals come face-to-face]
Phillips:
It's easy when you play with rejects and a fat kid, Rodriguez.
Benny:
Shut your mouth, Phillips!
Ham Porter:
What'd you say, crap face?
Phillips:
You shouldn't be allowed to touch a baseball. Except for Rodriguez, you're all an insult to the game.
Ham Porter:
Come on! We'll take you on, right here! Right now! Come on!
Sandlot Kids:
Yeah!
Phillips:
We play on a real diamond, Porter. You ain't good enough to lick the dirt off our cleats.
Ham Porter:
Watch it, jerk!
Phillips:
Shut up, idiot!
Ham Porter:
Moron!
Phillips:
Scab eater!
Ham Porter:
Butt sniffer!
Phillips:
Pus licker!
Ham Porter:
Fart smeller!
Bertram:
[
sniffs] Ahh.
Phillips:
You eat dog crap for breakfast, geek!
Ham Porter:
You mix your Wheaties with your mama's toe jam!
Sandlot Kids:
Yeah!
Phillips:
You bob for apples in the toilet! And you like it!
Ham Porter:
You play ball like a giiirrrrrrrrl!
[
entire group stands in shocked silence]
Phillips:
What did you say?
Ham Porter:
You heard me.
Phillips:
Tomorrow. Noon, at our field. Be there, buffalo-butt breath.
Ham Porter:
Count on it, pee-drinking crap-face!
Ham Porter:
PLAY BALL! Hurry up, batter. This better be a short game, I gotta get home for lunch.
[
Pitcher pitches and the batter fails to even swing]
Ham Porter:
Haha, that's one.
[
cuts to new pitch]
Ham Porter:
[
to the batter] You know, if my dog was as ugly as you. I'd shave his butt and tell him to walk backwards.
[
cuts to new pitch]
Ham Porter:
Here it comes, it's coming, I tell ya. STRIKE THREE
[
Porter puts the batter off, he swings and misses]
Ham Porter:
YOU'RE OUT!
[
cuts to new pitch]
Ham Porter:
Is that your sister out there in left field, naked? She's naked?
Phillips:
[
swings and misses again] SHUT UP PORTER!
Ham Porter:
Hey, hey, hey, I'm just trying to start a friendly conversation, come on.
Ham Porter:
[
two seconds later] Think she'll go out with me?
[
Squints is about to tell a story]
Squints:
Quiet! Are you trying to wake it up. It just went to bed!
Smalls:
[
quite loudly] What just went to bed?
All:
SHH!
[
whispering]
All:
The Beast.
Smalls:
[
louder] Oh yeah!
All:
SHHHH!
Smalls:
Oh yeah, the Great Bambino. Of course! I thought you said the Great Bambi.
Ham Porter:
That wimpy deer?
Smalls:
Yeah, I guess. Sorry.
Wendy Peffercorn:
Little pervert!
Sandlot Kids:
Squints! Come on Squints!
Ham Porter:
Come on Squints. Squints!
Timmy:
Come on, Squints, come on!
Scotty Smalls:
[
shouts] Come on, Squints. You can do it! Pull through, bud!
Benny Rodriguez:
Come on, man, come on!
Yeah Yeah:
Yeah yeah, he looks pretty crappy.
Tommy:
Squints! Come on man!
Bertram:
My God, he looks like a dead fish.
[
Squints opens his eyes and smiles]
Sandlot Kids:
*What*?
[
Squints kisses Wendy]
Wendy Peffercorn:
[
muffled scream] UGH! LITTLE PERVERT!
Timmy:
Oh, man, he's in deep SHIT!
Squints:
Come on, Benny. Man. The kid is a...
[
with his thumb and index fingers of both hands]
Squints:
L, 7, Weenie!
Yeah Yeah:
Yeah. Yeah. Oscar Meyer even.
Squints:
Where did your old man get that ball?
Smalls:
I don't know. Some lady gave it to him. She even signed her name on it... Ruth. Baby Ruth.
All:
BABE RUTH?
Ham Porter:
Benny, why'd you bring that kid?
Benny Rodriguez:
Because he makes nine of us.
Yeah Yeah:
Yeah yeah, so does my sister, but I didn't bring her along!
Smalls:
I was gonna put the ball back.
Squints:
But it was signed by Babe Ruth!
Smalls:
Yeah, you keep telling me that! Who is she?
Ham Porter:
WHAT? WHAT?
Kenny:
The sultan of swat!
Bertram:
The king of crash!
Timmy:
The colossus of clout!
Tommy:
The colossus of clout!
All:
BABE RUTH!
Ham Porter:
THE GREAT BAMBINO!
Smalls:
Oh my god! You mean that's the same guy?
Smalls:
[
voiceover] We all lived in the neighborhood for a couple of more years-mostly through junior high school-and every summer was great. But none of them ever came close to that first one. When one guy would move away, we never replaced him on the team with anyone else. We just kept the game going like he was still there.
Mr. Mertle:
Baseball was life! And I was good at it... real good.
Benny Rodriguez:
Man, base up you blockheads!
Squints:
For-ev-ver! For-ev-ver! For-ev-ver! For-ev-ver!
Benny Rodriguez:
[
referring to the chewed-up baseball] That's really nice of you, but that ball really is signed by Babe Ruth.
Mr. Mertle:
So's this one... with the rest of the 1927 Yankees.
[
about Squints]
Yeah Yeah:
Yeah yeah, he looks pretty crappy.
Ham Porter:
This is smores stuff. First you take the graham. You stick the chocolate on the graham. Then, you roast the mallow. When the mallows flaming, you stick it on the chocolate and cover it with the other end. Then, you scarf.
Timmy:
[
after Squints kisses Wendy] Aww man, he's in deep shit!
Timmy:
Smalls, you mean to tell me you went home, swiped a ball that was signed by BABE RUTH, brought it out here and actually played with it?
Tommy:
And actually played with it?
Bertram:
[
after Wendy Peffercorn pulls Squints from the pool] God, he looks like a dead fish.
Ham Porter:
[
the kids are being chased away from the pool by the lifeguards after Squints kisses Wendy] Oh, here's your glasses. Did you plan that?
Squints:
[
puts on his glasses] Of course I did. been planning it for years.
Narrator:
[
at the end, telling what became of his friends] Bertram?... Bertram got really into the 60s, and no one ever saw him again.
Squints:
[
In the tree house, telling the story of the mutant dog who lives next door] ... after a while the cops started getting calls from people reporting all the missing thieves...
Squints:
I've been coming here every summer of my adult life, and every summer there she is oiling and lotioning, lotioning and oiling... smiling. I can't take this no more!
Toddler:
Mommy, mommy, look at the doggie. Ow, that's a big doggie!
Benny Rodriguez:
Man, you think too much! I bet you get straight A's and shit!
Scotty Smalls:
No, I got a B once. Well, actually it was an A minus but it should have been a B.
Benny Rodriguez:
Man, this is baseball, you gotta stop thinking! Just have fun. If you were having fun, you would have caught that ball!
Ham Porter:
You call that pitching? This is baseball! Not tennis!
"The Babe":
[
looks at baseball card] Henry Aaron. I don't know why but can I have this, kid?
[
repeated line]
Narrator:
And he/we did the dumbest thing anyone of us could ever have imagined.
Narrator:
Michael Squints Palledorous walked a little taller that day. And we had to tip our hats to him. He was lucky she hadn't beat the CRAP out of him. We wouldn't have blamed her. What he'd done was sneaky, rotten, and low... and cool. Not another one among us would have ever in a million years even for a million dollars have the guts to put the moves on the lifeguard. He did. He had kissed a woman. And he had kissed her long and good. We got banned from the pool forever that day. But every time we walked by after that, the lifeguard looked down from her tower, right over at Squints, and smiled.
Ham Porter:
[
mimicking Babe Ruth with a cigar in his mouth; can't understand him] Check this out. I'm the Great Bambino.
Sandlot Kids:
What?
Ham Porter:
[
still can't understand him] I'm the Great Bambino!
Sandlot Kids:
What?
Ham Porter:
[
takes cigar out of mouth] I'm the Great Bambino.
Sandlot Kids:
Oh!
Smalls:
Who's that?
Smalls:
[
narrating] I had no idea what they were talking about.
Ham Porter:
What did he say?
Bertram:
What? Were you born in a barn, man?
Yeah Yeah:
Yeah yeah, what planet are you from?
Smalls:
[
narrating] But there was no *way* I could let them know.
Squints:
You've never heard of the sultan of swat?
Kenny:
The titan of terror.
Timmy:
The colossus of clout!
Tommy:
The colossus of clout!
Benny Rodriguez:
The king of crash, man.
Smalls:
[
narrating] So, I lied.
Smalls:
Oh! The Great Bambino. Of course. I thought you said the great Bambi.
Ham Porter:
That wimpy deer?
Related Links
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