Memorable quotes for
The Stupids (1996)

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Gas Station Attendant: Sir, did you know there's a hole in your gas tank.
Stanley Stupid: That's how you get the gas in there.

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Stanley Stupid: Be on the look out for anything suspicious.
Buster Stupid: Dad, they're putting make-up on men in there.
Stanley Stupid: Bull's eye.

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Buster Stupid: What if we formed our own army?
Petunia Stupid: Then we'd have to form our own country.
Joan Stupid: We could call it Stupidia.

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Joan Stupid: Oh dear I left the garbage out over night.
Stanley Stupid: [looking inside cans] Oh no. Someone's stolen our garbage again.

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[thinking they've died and gone to Heaven]
Stanley: Hail to thee, Oh Lord.
The Lloyd: Actually, it's pronounced 'Lloyd'.
Stanley: [to Petunia] All these years we've been saying it wrong.

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Joan Stupid: Note to self: must buy hand held tape recorder. Then I will no longer be speaking into the garage door opener.

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[Stanley tries to start it using an invisible key]
Stanley Stupid: The car won't start.
Buster Stupid: Maybe the battery is dead.
Joan Stupid: It was perfectly healthy this morning.

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Joan Stupid: Stanley, you must beware of the Drive B.
Stanley Stupid: What's a Drive B?
Joan Stupid: We don't know, but whatever error you make with it could be fatal.
Stanley Stupid: [notices a bee landing on his steering wheel] What are you doing, you darn bee? Can't you see I'm trying to drive? Oh, my God! The drive bee!

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[Stanley's car has exploded right when he swatted a bee on it with his shoe]
Stanley Stupid: Now that's a well-made shoe.

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Stanley's Neighbor: Hey Stanley, I haven't seen you much this weekend. What have you been doing?
Stanley Stupid: Oh you know, had breakfast, read the paper, saved the world.

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Joan Stupid: As your president of Stupidia, I appoint Stanley Stupid head of the army.
[Stanley who just escaped from the base, raced to the car]
Joan Stupid: Your first assignment is to go onto that army base and rescue my husband.
Buster Stupid: And rescue our dad.
Stanley Stupid: I'm afraid those two will have to wait, we've got to get to a place called Warehouse 21.

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[When noticing a letter with "Return to Sender" on it]
Stanley: Who is this Sender and what is he doing with other people's mail?

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Evil Sender: [Reading a letter] "If you still love me, Sally, tie a ribbon 'round the old oak tree". I'm afraid the only thing that's going to be hanging from that tree is you, "Bob"!
[Throws it into the fire]

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Charles Sender: No time to talk, I'm afraid. I'm taking over the heads of a dozen foreign countries.

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Policeman: [on the phone] Hello, is this Mrs. Stupid?
Joan Stupid: Yes.
Policeman: We have your children here, Ma'am.
Joan Stupid: Oh my God, it's true. The police have kidnapped my children!

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Talk Show Hostess: Have you ever thought that you came from a strange or unusual family? Well, after you meat our guests, you might want to adjust your standards.
Talk Show Guest #1: I divorced my wife in order to marry her daughter.
Talk Show Guest #2: I married a siamese twin and had an affair with her sister.
Talk Show Guest #3: I've been engaged to three of my cousins.
Stanley Stupid: I'm, well, to tell you the truth, I'm my own Grandpa.
Talk Show Hostess: You're your own Grandpa? Well, for some of us who don't understand this, can you explain?
Stanley Stupid: Well, yes. It's quite simple, really.
[sings]
Stanley Stupid: Many many years ago when I was twenty three/ I was married to a widow who was purdy as can be/ This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red/ My father fell in love with her and soon they too were wed/
Stanley Stupid: This made my dad my son in law and changed my very life/ For my daughter was my mother 'cause she was my father's wife/ To complicate the matters even though it brought me joy I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy/
Stanley Stupid: This little baby then became a brother-in-law to dad/ And so became my uncle though it made me very sad/ For if he was my uncle than it also makes him brother/ To the widow's grown-up daughter who of course if my stepmother/
Stanley Stupid: My father's wife then had a son who kept him on the run/ And he became my grandchild 'cause he was my daughter's son/ My wife is now my mother's mother and it makes me blue/ For although she is my wife she is my grandmother too/
Stanley Stupid: If my wife is my grandmother than I am her grandchild/ And every time I think of this it nearly drives me wild/
Talk Show Hostess: has got to be the craziest thing I ever saw
Stanley Stupid: As husband to my grandmother I am my own grandpa!

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[flashback of Lloyd in the Planetarium after one of the guards spits gum on the floor]
The Lloyd: Remember: throw your gum in the trash after you get done chewing it. I spend a huge amount of my time cleaning up gum.
[flash forward back to Stanley tied to the chair and enraged]
Stanley Stupid: In the name of the Lloyd!

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Stanley Stupid: I'm stuck, I'm caught, I'm trapped! Somebody help me out here!
Petunia Stupid: I'm cornered!
Stanley Stupid: That's it, I'm cornered! That's the word I'm looking for.

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Chinese Waiter #2: It's not our battle to fight, Johnson. We have enough trouble getting soy sauce into these tiny packets!

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Late Night Show Host: [reading off a "cue card", actually a reminder note held by Mrs. Stupid] Give it up to the Fat Guy!

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Glamorous Actress: Some people think it's easy being a celebrity, but when they canceled my series "Malibu Beach Detective", I was just absolutely devastated.
[the "Applause" sign comes on and the audience applauds]
Late Night Show Host: Well, I'm sure everyone is very sympathetic for you. You've put so much work into such a fine series to have it taken off the air.
Glamorous Actress: As an artist, I was truly crushed.
[the "Applause" sign comes on again and the audience applauds]
Glamorous Actress: It was the most awful, shocking, heartbreaking thing that's ever happened to me!
[backstage, Petunia is unkowingly flipping the switch that turns the "Applause" sign on and off]
Petunia Stupid: Mom, I can't get this light switch to work.
Joan Stupid: Just a moment dear.
[she writes "Give it to the fat guy" on a blank cue card]
Joan Stupid: Now, let's take a look.
[she fiddles with the switch and the sign comes on, with audience applauding]
Glamorous Actress: Well, maybe you'd all be happier if there was no primetime television.
[Joan fiddles with the switch some more; the audience keeps applauding]
TV Director: What's going on?
Glamorous Actress: You could spend every night reading books together.
[Joan flips the switch; the audience applauds; the Glamourous Actress leaves]
Late Night Show Host: Well, my next guest is a world-class French chef, so stay tuned, everyone, and let's...
[reads from cue card which is actually a reminder note from Joan Stupid]
Late Night Show Host: Give it to the fat guy!
French Chef: Fat? Fat? Moi, fat?
[yells in French]
French Chef: [he starts shaking the host around while Joan flips the switch one last time and the audience applauds]

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