Crazy credits for
Terror Firmer (1999) More at IMDbPro »

• Lloyd Kaufman included Eli Roth's name in the credits as a joke, specifically
  because Eli turned down an offer to be in the film.
• [Some of the cast of characters are listed with their causes of death,
  interspersed with Tromovie Fun Facts and other stuff.]
  Casey (death by fire and boom pole through nether regions)
  Larry Benjamin (death by explosion)
  Mysterious Woman (see Casey above)
  Naked P.A. (death by vehicular head crushing)
  Toddster (death by bong hit)
  Jacob Gelman (death by being eaten by escalator)
  TROMOVIE FUN FACT: Perhaps inspired by his hero ROBERT DENIRO, TROMA
  Superstar and escalator victim JOE FLEISHAKER bulked up from 398 to 402
  pounds for the role of Jacob Gelman, a character described in the script as
  "FAT".
  Asshole P.A. (death by legs cut off by trucks)
  Edgar Allan (death by stretched penis)
  Popo (death by crucifixion): HIMSELF
  French Cool Cats (death by vomit asphyxiation and car crash)
  Stephen (death from head fried by lamp)
  Jennifer's Mom (death by disgusting flesh-eating bacteria; not shown)
  Guy Beaten By Leg (death from broken heart)
  Old Man Phil (death by fecal accident)
  Toxie's Father (death by blowing brains out)
  Pregnant Woman (de-fetustration)
  TROMOVIE FUN FACT: TERROR FIRMER is the first film in history to be edited
  by a non-seeing, no-limbed, drug addicted, gyno-African American specially
  abled individual This groundbreaking step in political correctness is of
  particular pride to the producers of TERROR FIRMER.
  Larry's Wife (trampled under foot)
  Cereal Killer's Victim (death by cornflakes)
  Squib Death Victim (death by bullet in head)
  Actor Hanging Off Building (death by severed fingers; resulting in 12 story
  fall)
  Toxic Crusader Songstress (killed by crew; not shown)
  Beautiful Crew Member (w/aerossol can)
  Other Festival Heads We Would Have Liked
  to Have in the Movie But Were Unable To
  GILLES JACOB, Cannes GEOFFREY GILMORE, Sundance
  MITCH DAVIS, Fantasia KARIM HUSSAIN, Fantasia
  PIERRE CORBEIL, Fantasia DAN MIRVISH, Slamdance
  FREDDY BOZZO, Brussels MARIO DORMINSKY, Portugal
  YOICHI KOMATSUSAWA, Tokyo
  TROMOVIE FUN FACT: The shocked onlookers listed above were actually more
  amused than shocked at witnessing a buck naked man running through the
  streets of New York.
  12 Year Old *Retarded..um..
  Handicapped..er
  Stupid* Very Special Boy [everything between astrisks is crossed out in the
  credits]
  Frat Girl Who Smells Armpit (worse than death)
  THE CREDIT GUY here again. You may remember me from the end credits of
  Tromeo & Juliet. Since that film, I have been working on my craft, honing
  my skills, perfecting the fine art that is "credit-creating". To many of
  you insensitive cretins, the changes will be imperceptible. These little
  things will be evident to those few who truly appreciate the credit craft.
  By the way, I am naked right now. Am I making you hot? Call me at 1(800)
  83 TROMA
  Actors...er, Individuals Who Portray Members of the Crew
  [Lists some extras]
  CREDIT GUY here again. Man, that was a long list. A long list like that
  takes stamina, intelligence and a winner's drive for anal minutia. If you
  are a large breasted (hopefully hardbodied) female who appreciates these
  qualities in an eggheaded, spindly limbed, prematurely balding man, please
  call me -- 1(800) 83 TROMA.
  Larry's *Blind...er...
  Vision Impaired...uh...
  Sight Challenged*
  Very Good Hearing-Having Cousin [again, everything between the asterisks
  has been crossed out]
  People We Cut Out Of the Film/Saved For The DVD
  [lists people]
  [The next things are stuff in the crew credits.]
  TROMOVIE FUN FACT: A Gaffer is a trained assassin who kills members of the
  cast if they step out of line. On TERROR FIRMER, George Gatter personally
  "gaffed" several unruly actors.
  Key Largo: Overrated Movie
  Best Bread: Bread & Cie, Charles Kaufman, prop
  Best Breast: Carla Burden
  Clapper Boy: Antares Bassis
  Boy With Clap: Lloyd Kaufman, 1969
  Gripping: Last 10 minutes of SGT. KABUKIMAN, NYPD
  Telephone Operator: Any asswhole with an IQ above 60
  Lloyd Kaufman's Unit: Only 3 inches long
  Stock Market Boom: 1993-99
  Big Boom: Ted Kazinsky
  Shit Supervisor: Howard P. Doody
  CREDIT GUY here again. It is a little known secret that many of the names
  in the credits are made up. It really only takes about 5 or 6 people to
  make a movie. One of them is me. Hell, half these names I made up myself.
   I mean, come on -- Antonio Canobbio? You think that's a real name.
  You're so stupid. I hate you. But I still want to love you. Call me at
  1(800) 83-TROMA.
  TROMOVIE FUN FACT: Some of the production team of TERROR FIRMER was so
  fucked up that they were unable to find their own asses in a darkened room.
   They had significant trouble when the lights were on, as well.
  Kiss and Makeup: Juan A. Gedlaid
  KISS makeup: kicks ass!
  Fart Cutters: Crew after lunch
  Negative Attitude: Gets You Nowhere
  Graphic Sex: Clinton WHite House
  Phlegm: More Fun Than Silly Putty
  PUBLIC NOTICE:
  THE CREDIT GUY has been fired for disclosing trade secrets and proprietary
  information. Disregard his previous message as the lunatic rantings of an
  undersexed megalomaniac. I have taken his position as Credit Guy, but I am
  gay. While I have not yet achieved the Flaubertian or Balzac-inspired
  heights that Credit Guy #1 regularly achieved, I need a little lovin' too.
  If you want to "lock picture" with me, I'll gladly "render your end
  titles". Oh, yeah -- I can "fill your sprocket holes" 24 times a second.
  Call me 1(800) 83 TROMA.
  Still Angry: Lloyd Kaufman
  High: Crew after hours
  Hi: Translation of "Yo! Yo! Yo!"
  TROMOVIE FUN FACT: The most dangerous stunt in TERROR FIRMER was trying to
  get away with using footage of the same car flip for the third time in a
  movie without our fans dismembering us.
  It's THE NEW CREDIT GUY again. Why haven't you called? I want you to be
  my "best boy". I've got a "key grip" I think you'll enjoy. I'm gonna
  "touch your ass". Call me.
  Extramarital Affairs: Bill Clinton
  Beverages: Mad Dog Beer
  This is THE NEW CREDIT GUY again. No one's called -- I'm sure you've all
  left the theater. I hope you're all happy -- I'm lonely, dejected,
  considering sleeping with a woman. Call me and cheer me up 1(800) 83
  TROMA. Or send me naked pictures of yourself via the web --
  creditguy@troma.com

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