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Legally Blonde (2001)
Elle:
And last week I saw Cameron Diaz at Fred Segal, and I talked her out of buying this truly heinous angora sweater. Whoever said orange was the new pink was seriously disturbed.
Elle: The rules of hair care are simple and finite. Any Cosmo girl would have known.
Elle: I just don't think that Brooke could've done this. Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don't shoot their husbands, they just don't.
Vivian: Nice outfit.
Elle: Oh, I like your outfit too, except when I dress up as a frigid bitch, I try not to look so constipated.
Elle: Hi. I'm Elle Woods and this is Bruiser Woods. We're both Gemini vegetarians.
Boutique Saleswoman: There's nothing I love better than a dumb blonde with Daddy's plastic.
Elle: I'm reading about the LSAT's
Serena: My cousin had that once. Apparently you get a really bad rash on your...
Elle: I don't need back-ups. I'm going to Harvard.
C.U.L.A. Advisor: Well then, you'll need excellent recommendations from your professors.
Elle: Okay.
C.U.L.A. Advisor: And a heck of an admissions essay.
Elle: Right.
C.U.L.A. Advisor: And at least a 175 on your LSATs.
Elle: I once had to judge a tighty-whitey contest for Lambda Kappa Pi. Trust me, I can handle anything.
Elle's Mother: Honey, you were First Runner-Up at the "Miss Hawaiian Tropics" contest. Why are you going to throw that all away?
Elle: Going to Harvard is the only way I'm going to get the love of my life back.
Elle's Father: Oh, sweetheart, you don't need law school. Law school is for people who are boring and ugly and serious. And you, button, are none of those things.
Brooke: You know a Delta Nu would never sleep with a man who wears a thong.
Elle: Never!
Brooke: I just liked to watch him change the filter.
Warner Huntington III: If I want to be a Senator, I need to marry a Jackie, not a Marilyn.
Elle: Did you see him? He's probably still scratching his head.
Paulette: Yeah, which must be a nice vacation for his balls.
Elle: I feel comfortable using legal jargon in everyday life.
[someone whistles at her]
Elle: I object.
Emmett: I can't believe you just called me a butthead. I don't think anybody has called me a butthead since the 9th grade.
Elle: Maybe not to your face.
Elle: Excuse me.
[turns around and slaps David]
Elle: Why didn't you call me? We spent a beautiful night together and I haven't heard from you since.
David: [pause] I'm sorry?
Elle: Sorry for what? For breaking my heart, or for giving me the greatest pleasure I've ever known and just taking it away?
David: Both?
Elle: Well, forget it. I've spent too much time crying over you.
Girl: [after Elle has walked off] So, when did you wanna go out?
Elle: Uh. I'm sorry. I just hallucinated.
Elle: Oh Warner, do you remember when we spent those four amazing hours in the hot tub together after winter formal?
Warner Huntington III: Uhh, ye... no
Elle: Well this is so much better than that. Excuse me, I have some shopping to do.
Warner Huntington III: Pooh bear, just get in the car.
Elle: No.
[starts walking away, sniffling]
Warner Huntington III: You're gonna ruin your shoes.
Elle: Okay.
[gets in car]
Professor Callahan: Do you think she woke up one morning and said: I think I'll go to law school today.
Warner Huntington III: You got into Harvard Law?
Elle: What? Like, it's hard?
Paulette: Is she as pretty as you?
Elle: She could use some mascara and some serious highlights, but she's not completely unfortunate looking.
Elle: Because I'm not a Vanderbilt, suddenly I'm white trash? I grew up in Bel Air, Warner. Across the street from Aaron Spelling. I think most people would agree that's a lot better than some stinky old Vanderbilt.
Elle: You're breaking up with me because I'm too... blonde?
Warner Huntington III: Well, no. That's not entirely true...
Elle: Then what? My boobs are too big?
Paulette: So what's a girl to do? He's a guy who followed his pecker to greener pastures. I'm a middle aged, high school drop out with stretch marks and a fat ass.
Elle: This is what I need to become.
Old Lady at Manicurist: What? Practically deformed?
Elle: No, a law student.
Enrique Salvatore: Don't stomp your little last season Prada shoes at me, honey.
Elle: These aren't last season!
[looks down, gasps, runs back into court room]
Elle: He's gay! Enrique is gay!
Enrique Salvatore: Don't stomp your little last season Prada shoes at me, honey.
Elle: They're last season?
[looks down and gasps]
Elle: He's gay!
Elle: Isn't it the first cardinal rule of perm maintenance that you are forbidded to wet your hair for at least 24 hours after getting a perm at the risk of deactivating the ammonium thioglycolate?
Elle: [Elle is cross-examining Chutney Windham] Ms. Windham, what had you done earlier that day?
Chutney Windham: I got up. Got a latte. Went to the gym. Got a perm and came home.
Elle: Where you got in the shower?
The Honorable Marina R. Bickford: I believe the witness has made it clear that she was in the shower.
[Courtroom audience laughs]
Elle: Yes, your Honor.
Elle: [a sudden brainstorm comes over Elle] Ms. Windham, had you ever gotten a perm before?
Chutney Windham: Yes.
Chutney Windham: Two a year since I was 12. You do the math.
Elle: You know, a girl in my sorority, Tracy Marcinco got a perm once. We all tried to talk her out of it. Curls weren't a good look for her. She didn't have your bone structure, but thankfully that same day she entered the Pheta Delta Phi wet t-shirt contest where she was completely hosed to down from head to toe...
DA Joyce Rafferty: Objection, why is this relevant?
Elle: I have a point, I promise.
The Honorable Marina R. Bickford: Then make it.
Elle: Chutney, why is it Tracy Marcinco's curls were ruined when she got hosed down?
Chutney Windham: Because they got wet.
Elle: Exactly. Because isn't the first cardinal rule of perm maintenance that you're forbidden to wet your hair for at least 24 hours after getting a perm at the risk of deactivating the immonium thygocolate?
Chutney Windham: Yes.
Elle: And wouldn't somebody who had, say, 30 perms before in their life be well aware of this rule, and if in fact you weren't washing your hair as I suspect you weren't because your curls are still intact, wouldn't you have heard the gunshot, and if in fact you had heard the gunshot Brooke Windham wouldn't have had time to hide the gun before you got downstairs. Which means you would have had to found Brooke Windham with a gun in her hand to make your story plausible, isn't that right?
Chutney Windham: She's my age! Did she tell you that? How would you feel if your father married someone who was your age?
Elle: You, however, Chutney had time to hide the gun after you shot your father.
Chutney Windham: [Chutney is in tears] I didn't mean to shoot him!
[points at Brooke]
Chutney Windham: I thought it was YOU walking through the door!
[Courtroom audience gasps]
Elle: Oh my God.
The Honorable Marina R. Bickford: Oh my God.
Brooke: Oh my God.
The Honorable Marina R. Bickford: Balliff, take the witness into custody, where she will be charged for the murder of Joseph Windham. Case dismissed. Mrs. Windham, you're free to go.
Brooke: Thank you, your honor.
Professor Stromwell: If you're going to let one stupid prick ruin your life... you're not the girl I thought you were.
Professor Callahan: Let the blood bath begin.
Elle: Bend and snap.
Maurice: Oh, my God, the bend and snap works every time!
[Elle is presiding at her sorority meeting]
Elle: It has come to my attention that the maintenance staff is switching our toilet paper from Charmin... to generic. All those opposed to chafing, please say "Aye".
Entire Sorority Group: Aye.
Warner Huntington III: How was your first class?
Elle: Oh, it was okay, except for this horrible preppy girl who tried to make me look bad in front of the professor, but no biggie.
Emmett: Did you take Mrs. Windham on a date?
Enrique Salvatore: Yes.
Emmett: Where?
Enrique Salvatore: A restaurant in concord, where no one could recognize us.
Emmett: How long have you been sleeping with Mrs. Windham?
Enrique Salvatore: Three months.
Emmett: And your boyfriend's name is...
Enrique Salvatore: Chuck.
Emmett: Right.
[Everyone gasps/laughs]
Enrique Salvatore: Pardon me, pardon me. I thought you said friend; Chuck is just a friend.
Chuck: YOU BITCH.
Elle: All people see when they look at me is blonde hair and big boobs.
Elle: [to Emmett] So, if you don't know an answer they're just gonna kick you out.
Emmett: So you have Stromwell, huh?
Elle: Yes. Did she do that to you too?
Emmett: No, but she did make me cry once... not in class I waited until I got back to my room, but yeah she'll kick you right in the balls, or wherever.
Elle: Don't ask.
Emmett: Wasn't gonna.
Margot: Here, you're gonna need this.
Elle: Your scrunchie?
Margot: My LUCKY scrunchie. It helped me pass Spanish.
Serena: You passed Spanish because you gave Professor Montoya a lap dance after the final.
Margot: Yeah... Luckily!
[sees Elle in her Bunny costume]
Warner Huntington III: Hey well don't you look like a walking felony.
Elle: Thanks, you're so sweet.
Elle: Warner, what kind of shoes are these?
Warner Huntington III: Umm... black ones.
Serena: Oh, look, there's Elle!
Serena: Elle, we came to see your trial and look! There's like a judge and everything... and jury people.
Margot: VOTE FOR ELLE!
The Honorable Marina R. Bickford: Ladies, take a seat!
Paulette: So what's this Vivian got that you don't have? Three tits?
Paulette: [Elle is in tears at the salon after she finds out Warner dumped her for her new rival, Vivian] So what's this Vivian got that you don't have? Three tits?
Elle: Curls weren't a good look for her. She didn't have your bone structure.
Elle: That's great, Paulette. Is that the only interaction you two have ever had?
Paulette: No! Sometimes I say "okay" instead of "fine."
Warner Huntington III: Excuse me, I'm sorry... are you here to see me?
Elle: No, silly. I go here!
Elle: Is that low-viscosity rayon? With a half-loop top stitching on the hem?
Boutique Saleswoman: Of course. It's one of a kind.
Elle: It's impossible to use a half-loop stitching on low-viscosity rayon. It would snag the fabric. And you didn't just get it in - I saw it in the June Vogue a year ago. So if you're trying to sell it to me for full price, you've picked the wrong girl.
Elle: [from deleted scene] She told me I look like Britney Spears! Why would she say that if she doesn't like me?
Elle: I promised her, and I can't break the bonds of sisterhood.
Professor Callahan: Screw sisterhood! This is a murder investigation! Not some scandal at the sorority house!
Paulette: [Paulette gets nervous talking to the UPS man and spills nail solution all over the table] Geez! Could I be any more goddamn spastic?
Elle: For that matter, any masturbatory emissions, where the sperm is clearly not seeking an egg, could be termed reckless abandonment.
Professor Callahan: You've just won your case.
Brooke: Are you one of my lawyers?
Elle: Sort of.
Brooke: Well thank God one of you has a brain.
Brooke: I would rather go to jail than lose my reputation.
Brooke: I was getting...
[whispers]
Brooke: liposuction.
Elle: What?
Brooke: [whispers a little louder] Liposuction.
Elle: What?
Brooke: LIPOSUCTION!
Elle: [gasps] NO!
Brooke: Yes! I know I'm a fraud, but its not like normal women could have this ass!
Elle: Your secret’s safe with me.
Elle: [after Warner asks her out after graduation] But if I'm going to be a partner in a law firm by the time I'm 30, I need a boyfriend who's not such a complete bonehead.
Paulette: [to her ex-husband] I'm takin' the dog... DUMBASS!
Elle: No more boring suits or pantyhose, I'm trying to be somebody I'm not.
Elle: Here it is!
Professor Callahan: It’s pink...
Elle: Oh! And it's scented! I think it gives it a little something extra, don't you think? Ok, well, see you next class!
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Elle: The rules of hair care are simple and finite. Any Cosmo girl would have known.
Elle: I just don't think that Brooke could've done this. Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don't shoot their husbands, they just don't.
Vivian: Nice outfit.
Elle: Oh, I like your outfit too, except when I dress up as a frigid bitch, I try not to look so constipated.
Elle: Hi. I'm Elle Woods and this is Bruiser Woods. We're both Gemini vegetarians.
Boutique Saleswoman: There's nothing I love better than a dumb blonde with Daddy's plastic.
Elle: I'm reading about the LSAT's
Serena: My cousin had that once. Apparently you get a really bad rash on your...
Elle: I don't need back-ups. I'm going to Harvard.
C.U.L.A. Advisor: Well then, you'll need excellent recommendations from your professors.
Elle: Okay.
C.U.L.A. Advisor: And a heck of an admissions essay.
Elle: Right.
C.U.L.A. Advisor: And at least a 175 on your LSATs.
Elle: I once had to judge a tighty-whitey contest for Lambda Kappa Pi. Trust me, I can handle anything.
Elle's Mother: Honey, you were First Runner-Up at the "Miss Hawaiian Tropics" contest. Why are you going to throw that all away?
Elle: Going to Harvard is the only way I'm going to get the love of my life back.
Elle's Father: Oh, sweetheart, you don't need law school. Law school is for people who are boring and ugly and serious. And you, button, are none of those things.
Brooke: You know a Delta Nu would never sleep with a man who wears a thong.
Elle: Never!
Brooke: I just liked to watch him change the filter.
Warner Huntington III: If I want to be a Senator, I need to marry a Jackie, not a Marilyn.
Elle: Did you see him? He's probably still scratching his head.
Paulette: Yeah, which must be a nice vacation for his balls.
Elle: I feel comfortable using legal jargon in everyday life.
[someone whistles at her]
Elle: I object.
Emmett: I can't believe you just called me a butthead. I don't think anybody has called me a butthead since the 9th grade.
Elle: Maybe not to your face.
Elle: Excuse me.
[turns around and slaps David]
Elle: Why didn't you call me? We spent a beautiful night together and I haven't heard from you since.
David: [pause] I'm sorry?
Elle: Sorry for what? For breaking my heart, or for giving me the greatest pleasure I've ever known and just taking it away?
David: Both?
Elle: Well, forget it. I've spent too much time crying over you.
Girl: [after Elle has walked off] So, when did you wanna go out?
Elle: Uh. I'm sorry. I just hallucinated.
Elle: Oh Warner, do you remember when we spent those four amazing hours in the hot tub together after winter formal?
Warner Huntington III: Uhh, ye... no
Elle: Well this is so much better than that. Excuse me, I have some shopping to do.
Warner Huntington III: Pooh bear, just get in the car.
Elle: No.
[starts walking away, sniffling]
Warner Huntington III: You're gonna ruin your shoes.
Elle: Okay.
[gets in car]
Professor Callahan: Do you think she woke up one morning and said: I think I'll go to law school today.
Warner Huntington III: You got into Harvard Law?
Elle: What? Like, it's hard?
Paulette: Is she as pretty as you?
Elle: She could use some mascara and some serious highlights, but she's not completely unfortunate looking.
Elle: Because I'm not a Vanderbilt, suddenly I'm white trash? I grew up in Bel Air, Warner. Across the street from Aaron Spelling. I think most people would agree that's a lot better than some stinky old Vanderbilt.
Elle: You're breaking up with me because I'm too... blonde?
Warner Huntington III: Well, no. That's not entirely true...
Elle: Then what? My boobs are too big?
Paulette: So what's a girl to do? He's a guy who followed his pecker to greener pastures. I'm a middle aged, high school drop out with stretch marks and a fat ass.
Elle: This is what I need to become.
Old Lady at Manicurist: What? Practically deformed?
Elle: No, a law student.
Enrique Salvatore: Don't stomp your little last season Prada shoes at me, honey.
Elle: These aren't last season!
[looks down, gasps, runs back into court room]
Elle: He's gay! Enrique is gay!
Enrique Salvatore: Don't stomp your little last season Prada shoes at me, honey.
Elle: They're last season?
[looks down and gasps]
Elle: He's gay!
Elle: Isn't it the first cardinal rule of perm maintenance that you are forbidded to wet your hair for at least 24 hours after getting a perm at the risk of deactivating the ammonium thioglycolate?
Elle: [Elle is cross-examining Chutney Windham] Ms. Windham, what had you done earlier that day?
Chutney Windham: I got up. Got a latte. Went to the gym. Got a perm and came home.
Elle: Where you got in the shower?
The Honorable Marina R. Bickford: I believe the witness has made it clear that she was in the shower.
[Courtroom audience laughs]
Elle: Yes, your Honor.
Elle: [a sudden brainstorm comes over Elle] Ms. Windham, had you ever gotten a perm before?
Chutney Windham: Yes.
Chutney Windham: Two a year since I was 12. You do the math.
Elle: You know, a girl in my sorority, Tracy Marcinco got a perm once. We all tried to talk her out of it. Curls weren't a good look for her. She didn't have your bone structure, but thankfully that same day she entered the Pheta Delta Phi wet t-shirt contest where she was completely hosed to down from head to toe...
DA Joyce Rafferty: Objection, why is this relevant?
Elle: I have a point, I promise.
The Honorable Marina R. Bickford: Then make it.
Elle: Chutney, why is it Tracy Marcinco's curls were ruined when she got hosed down?
Chutney Windham: Because they got wet.
Elle: Exactly. Because isn't the first cardinal rule of perm maintenance that you're forbidden to wet your hair for at least 24 hours after getting a perm at the risk of deactivating the immonium thygocolate?
Chutney Windham: Yes.
Elle: And wouldn't somebody who had, say, 30 perms before in their life be well aware of this rule, and if in fact you weren't washing your hair as I suspect you weren't because your curls are still intact, wouldn't you have heard the gunshot, and if in fact you had heard the gunshot Brooke Windham wouldn't have had time to hide the gun before you got downstairs. Which means you would have had to found Brooke Windham with a gun in her hand to make your story plausible, isn't that right?
Chutney Windham: She's my age! Did she tell you that? How would you feel if your father married someone who was your age?
Elle: You, however, Chutney had time to hide the gun after you shot your father.
Chutney Windham: [Chutney is in tears] I didn't mean to shoot him!
[points at Brooke]
Chutney Windham: I thought it was YOU walking through the door!
[Courtroom audience gasps]
Elle: Oh my God.
The Honorable Marina R. Bickford: Oh my God.
Brooke: Oh my God.
The Honorable Marina R. Bickford: Balliff, take the witness into custody, where she will be charged for the murder of Joseph Windham. Case dismissed. Mrs. Windham, you're free to go.
Brooke: Thank you, your honor.
Professor Stromwell: If you're going to let one stupid prick ruin your life... you're not the girl I thought you were.
Professor Callahan: Let the blood bath begin.
Elle: Bend and snap.
Maurice: Oh, my God, the bend and snap works every time!
[Elle is presiding at her sorority meeting]
Elle: It has come to my attention that the maintenance staff is switching our toilet paper from Charmin... to generic. All those opposed to chafing, please say "Aye".
Entire Sorority Group: Aye.
Warner Huntington III: How was your first class?
Elle: Oh, it was okay, except for this horrible preppy girl who tried to make me look bad in front of the professor, but no biggie.
Emmett: Did you take Mrs. Windham on a date?
Enrique Salvatore: Yes.
Emmett: Where?
Enrique Salvatore: A restaurant in concord, where no one could recognize us.
Emmett: How long have you been sleeping with Mrs. Windham?
Enrique Salvatore: Three months.
Emmett: And your boyfriend's name is...
Enrique Salvatore: Chuck.
Emmett: Right.
[Everyone gasps/laughs]
Enrique Salvatore: Pardon me, pardon me. I thought you said friend; Chuck is just a friend.
Chuck: YOU BITCH.
Elle: All people see when they look at me is blonde hair and big boobs.
Elle: [to Emmett] So, if you don't know an answer they're just gonna kick you out.
Emmett: So you have Stromwell, huh?
Elle: Yes. Did she do that to you too?
Emmett: No, but she did make me cry once... not in class I waited until I got back to my room, but yeah she'll kick you right in the balls, or wherever.
Elle: Don't ask.
Emmett: Wasn't gonna.
Margot: Here, you're gonna need this.
Elle: Your scrunchie?
Margot: My LUCKY scrunchie. It helped me pass Spanish.
Serena: You passed Spanish because you gave Professor Montoya a lap dance after the final.
Margot: Yeah... Luckily!
[sees Elle in her Bunny costume]
Warner Huntington III: Hey well don't you look like a walking felony.
Elle: Thanks, you're so sweet.
Elle: Warner, what kind of shoes are these?
Warner Huntington III: Umm... black ones.
Serena: Oh, look, there's Elle!
Serena: Elle, we came to see your trial and look! There's like a judge and everything... and jury people.
Margot: VOTE FOR ELLE!
The Honorable Marina R. Bickford: Ladies, take a seat!
Paulette: So what's this Vivian got that you don't have? Three tits?
Paulette: [Elle is in tears at the salon after she finds out Warner dumped her for her new rival, Vivian] So what's this Vivian got that you don't have? Three tits?
Elle: Curls weren't a good look for her. She didn't have your bone structure.
Elle: That's great, Paulette. Is that the only interaction you two have ever had?
Paulette: No! Sometimes I say "okay" instead of "fine."
Warner Huntington III: Excuse me, I'm sorry... are you here to see me?
Elle: No, silly. I go here!
Elle: Is that low-viscosity rayon? With a half-loop top stitching on the hem?
Boutique Saleswoman: Of course. It's one of a kind.
Elle: It's impossible to use a half-loop stitching on low-viscosity rayon. It would snag the fabric. And you didn't just get it in - I saw it in the June Vogue a year ago. So if you're trying to sell it to me for full price, you've picked the wrong girl.
Elle: [from deleted scene] She told me I look like Britney Spears! Why would she say that if she doesn't like me?
Elle: I promised her, and I can't break the bonds of sisterhood.
Professor Callahan: Screw sisterhood! This is a murder investigation! Not some scandal at the sorority house!
Paulette: [Paulette gets nervous talking to the UPS man and spills nail solution all over the table] Geez! Could I be any more goddamn spastic?
Elle: For that matter, any masturbatory emissions, where the sperm is clearly not seeking an egg, could be termed reckless abandonment.
Professor Callahan: You've just won your case.
Brooke: Are you one of my lawyers?
Elle: Sort of.
Brooke: Well thank God one of you has a brain.
Brooke: I would rather go to jail than lose my reputation.
Brooke: I was getting...
[whispers]
Brooke: liposuction.
Elle: What?
Brooke: [whispers a little louder] Liposuction.
Elle: What?
Brooke: LIPOSUCTION!
Elle: [gasps] NO!
Brooke: Yes! I know I'm a fraud, but its not like normal women could have this ass!
Elle: Your secret’s safe with me.
Elle: [after Warner asks her out after graduation] But if I'm going to be a partner in a law firm by the time I'm 30, I need a boyfriend who's not such a complete bonehead.
Paulette: [to her ex-husband] I'm takin' the dog... DUMBASS!
Elle: No more boring suits or pantyhose, I'm trying to be somebody I'm not.
Elle: Here it is!
Professor Callahan: It’s pink...
Elle: Oh! And it's scented! I think it gives it a little something extra, don't you think? Ok, well, see you next class!
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