Arrested Development (2003– )
Tobias Fünke: So what are your plans for this evening?
Bob Loblaw: I thought that maybe I would stay in and work on my law blog.
Tobias Fünke: Ah, yes. The "Bob Loblaw Law Blog". You, sir, are a mouthful.
Narrator: Tobias listens to a day's worth of his own words, to see what Michael was referring to...
Tobias Fünke: [on tape] ... even if it means me taking a chubby, I will suck it up.
Tobias Fünke: Nothing wrong with that.
Tobias Fünke: [on tape] Oh, I've been in the film business for a while, but I just can't seem to get one in the can.
Tobias Fünke: It's out of context.
Tobias Fünke: [on tape] I wouldn't mind kissing that man between the cheeks.
Narrator: ...and he realized there is something distinct about the way he speaks.
Tobias Fünke: Tobias, you blowhard.
Gob: Steve Holt's not my son.
George Michael Bluth: Steve Holt? What, the moron jock?
Gob: That's my son, you pothead.
Michael: Tell me the truth. There's been a lot of lying in this family
Lucille: And a lot of love.
Michael: More lies.
Michael: I really think the reason you and I always fight is that, since we were little, Dad's always played us off each other.
Gob: Dad always said that was your fault.
Tobias Fünke: Okay, Lindsay, are you forgetting that I was a professional twice over - an analyst and a therapist. The world's first analrapist.
Mae 'Maebe' Funke: Do you guys know where I could get one of those gold T-shaped pendants?
Michael: That's a cross.
Mae 'Maebe' Funke: Across from where?
Waitress: Plate or platter?
Lucille: I don't understand the question and I won't respond to it.
Rita: And they think the stupidest things are funny.
Michael Bluth: Yeah, that's a cultural problem is what it is. You know, your average American male is in a perpetual state of adolescence, you know, arrested development.
Narrator: Hey. That's the name of the show.
[Michael has found his brother, Gob, hidden in his office]
Michael: One of those British guys came up to me and told me to back off. I can't believe it, but Dad may have been telling the truth. This may be dangerous.
Gob: So you came back here to hide like a child.
Michael: What are you doing locked in my office, exactly?
Gob: Hiding from a child. Big difference.
Michael: Gob, Steve Holt is your son. He probably just feels a connection.
Gob: He doesn't know what he feels. I'm tired of being told - my God. What is this feeling?
[Schmaltzy music begins to play]
Michael: You know, the feeling that you're feeling is just what many of us call... a "feeling".
Gob: It's not like envy, or even hungry.
Michael: Could it be love?
Gob: I know what an erection feels like, Michael. No, it's the opposite - it's like my heart is getting hard.
[the music reaches its crescendo]
Gob: Maybe I am ready to be a father.
J. Walter Weatherman: And that's why you always leave a note.
Tobias Fünke: Don't leave your uncle T-Bag hanging.
George Michael Bluth: Please don't call yourself that.
Buster: [Confronting Lucille about his birth father] You lied to me... you said my FATHER was my father, but my UNCLE is my father. MY FATHER IS MY UNCLE.
Tobias Fünke: [as Mrs. Featherbottom] O-kay, who'd like a banger in the mouth?
Tobias Fünke: Right, I forgot, here in the States, you call it a *sausage* in the mouth.
Michael: We just call it a sausage.
Gob: [talking about his new boat] The Seaward.
Michael: You're not getting a boat.
Gob: [doing rock, paper, scissors] One, two, three.
Michael: You're not gonna do it...
Gob: Paper covers rock.
Michael: Fine, but rock sinks boat.
Lucille: [entering room] Michael.
Michael: Just a minute mom.
Michael: . Get rid of the Seaward.
Lucille: I'll leave when I'm good and ready.
Gob: Hey, guy. They tell me you're the actor who plays Marta's brother, Tio.
Spanish actor: Como?
Gob: Oh, you're gonna be in a coma, all right.
[Tobias discovers that George Sr. has been living in the attic]
Tobias Fünke: What are you doing up here?
George Sr.: I'm having a fucking tea party, what does it look like? I live here. You tell anyone, you are DEAD.
[he shoves Tobias up against the wall with his hand against his mouth]
George Sr.: Stop licking my hand, you horse's ass.
Michael Bluth: [calling from prison, taking about his brother, Gob] I've got a nice hard cot with his name on it.
Lucille: You would do that to your brother?
Michael Bluth: I said "cot".
Tobias Fünke: Michael, you are quite the cupid. You can stick an arrow in my buttocks any time.
Lucille: You tricked me.
Michael: I *deceived* you. "Tricked" makes it sound like we have a playful relationship.
[repeated line after Buster gets a prosthetic hook]
Buster: I'm a monster.
Tobias Fünke: No, no, it's pronounced a-nal-ra-pist.
Buster: It wasn't really the pronunciation that bothered me.
Michael: What do you think of when you hear the name, "Sudden Valley"?
George Michael Bluth: Salad dressing. But for some reason, I don't want to eat it.
Michael: What about, "Paradise Gardens"?
George Michael Bluth: Yeah... I can see marinating a chicken from that.
Lindsay Funke: Oh! Because you're too afraid to ask Sally Sitwell to go with you.
Michael Bluth: That's not true. That's not true at all.
Lindsay Funke: [Begins her chicken dance] Chaw-chee-chaw-chee!
Michael Bluth: What is that? Is that a chicken?
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth: What's this?
Lindsay Funke: Michael is scared to ask out Sally.
Michael Bluth: No, I'm not.
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth: This is priceless.
[Starts chicken dancing with Lindsay]
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth: Caw-ca-caw-ca-ca-caw!
Michael Bluth: Oh, come on. Those aren't even birds!
Transvestite Store Clerk: Are you going to actually buy something this time, or are you just curious?
Tobias Fünke: Well, let's just say that I'm buy-curious.
Michael Bluth: Do you know what they do to people who commit treason?
George Sr.: First time.
Michael Bluth: I've never heard of a second.
George Sr.: I got the worst
George Sr.: -ing attorneys.
Steve Holt: I've made a huge mistake.
Gob: I know the feeling. I had you. I'm your father, Steve Holt. I can't hide from it any more.
Steve Holt: I won't forget this... Dad.
Gob: [swallows roofie] I will. I will.
Gob: Tell you what we're gonna do: "Rock Paper Scissors" for it.
Michael: No, no I'm not...
Gob: One, two, three. Paper covers rock.
Michael: It is a rock, though. Should beat everything.
Gob: There's not a lot of logic to it. It's kind of like on a boat with "Women and children first." I mean, why should they...
Michael: I burned it. Down to the ground.
George Sr.: There was money in that banana stand.
Michael: Well, it's all gone now.
George Sr.: There was $250,000 lining the inside walls of the banana stand.
George Sr.: Cash, Michael. What the hell did you think I meant when I said...
George Sr.: [yells] There is money... in... the banana stand.
Prison guard: [George Sr. quickly takes his hands off Michael] No Touching.
George Sr.: No touching.
Prison guard: No touching.
Tobias Funke: Where the fuck are my hard-boiled eggs?
[Lucille replaces Lupe with a robot vacuum cleaner, then catches Buster in bed with it]
Buster: Well, what do you expect, mother?
[holds up his hook]
Buster: I'm half machine. I'm a monster.
Wayne Jarvis: I have a picture taken by a traffic camera of you escorting your father.
[hands it to Michael]
Barry Zuckerkorn: Are you sure these aren't balls? Because last time, they were balls.
Barry Zuckerkorn: [Barry is handed the picture of Michael and George Sr. in the stair car] I really wish they were balls.
Michael: Are you serious?
Wayne Jarvis: Almost always. I was once voted the worst audience participant Cirque Du Soleil ever had.
Michael: You know, GOB, you might want to start acting like the President. You're beginning to alienate some of the employees.
Gob: Yeah, like the CEO has to worry about alienating the employees.
Narrator: In fact, GOB *had* started to alienate some of the employees.
Gob: [in the break room] The worst that could happen is that I could spill coffee all over this $3,000 suit. Come on.
[in the elevator]
Gob: Yeah, the guy wearing the $4,000 suit is holding the elevator for the guy who doesn't make that in four months. Come on.
[in the bathroom]
Gob: Yeah, like I'm going to take a whiz through this $5,000 suit. Come on.
Gob: I'm dating this Christian girl right now. She wants me to be honest and reconnect with my son. And I'm trying to get her to renounce God and fuck me, but I just want to prove to her that I'm worth it.
Gob: If I didn't have a live dove in my pants right now, I'd leap across the table and...
[he unzips his pants]
Gob: Ah, what the hell...
Michael: I think that's just as good of a time as any to end the meeting.
[Tobias is trying to impress Maeby by buying some leather]
Tobias Fünke: I'm looking for something that says "Dad likes leather".
Salesman: You mean... Leather Daddy?
Narrator: In an effort to "hip" up his act, Gob had briefly introduced a puppet.
[Gob is acting as a black puppet named Franklin in front of the family]
Gob: [as Franklin] Can I tell you something, my man?
Gob: [as himself] Sure, Franklin.
Gob: [as Franklin] You are one cool
Gob: . Speaking of mothers, let me give that oatmeal some brown sugar.
[the puppet 'kisses' Lucille]
George Sr.: Get off my wife, you bastard.
Gob: [as Franklin] What's the matter with you?
Gob: [in the present] Franklin said some things Whitey wasn't ready to hear.
Michael: Gob, weren't you also mercilessly beaten outside of a club in Torrance for that act?
Gob: He also said some things that African-American-y wasn't ready to hear either.
Kitty: It's the last time you'll see these.
[the Bluths have hired Andy Griffith to sit in on George Sr's hearing]
Lindsay Funke: Bad news. Andy Griffith turned us down. He didn't like his trailer.
[the camera pans over to reveal the log cabin truck]
Lindsay Funke: He thought we were making fun of him.
Narrator: They were not making fun of Andy Griffith. This cannot be stressed enough.
Michael: Yes, this is Michael Bluth for Barry.
Barry Zuckerkorn: [to his secretary] I'm not here.
Barry's Secretary: Barry's not in right now. Would you like to leave her a message?
Michael: Yeah, tell her she needs to whisper a little softer next time, AND I'm not paying for this phone call.
Barry Zuckerkorn: I am not a girl, you...
Barry's Secretary: [pulls out a tape recorder] Go ahead, call me something. I'm redecorating my kitchen.
Tobias Fünke: [footage of Tobias trying on a Speedo with his cut-offs on] Excuse me, do these effectively hide my thunder?
George Sr.: What is this is they have on me? You keep talking about a fact. You keep saying "I know for a fact." What fact?
Cindi Lightballoon: Faith. I have faith my prayers will free you.
George Sr.: Faith is not a fact.
Cindi Lightballoon: Oh, yes it is. You said so yourself in Caged Wisdom.
Narrator: George, Sr. had said faith is a fact. Unfortunately, it was in the Caged Wisdom blooper bonus footage.
George Sr.: Faith is a fact. No, faith is a facet. I almost said faith is a fact.
George Sr.: [in the present] I am going to trial because you don't understand what a blooper reel is?
[Tobias creating buzz around the water cooler]
Tobias Fünke: That Funke is some kind of something. Boy, this Funke is all anybody's ever talking about. So sick and tired of hearing about how brilliant that Funke is. Overrated.
Narrator: [Tobias is covered in blue paint and is walking at dusk] Tobias went to a tryout for the Blue Man Group hoping to be seen.
[Tobias is run over by Barry]
Narrator: Unfortunately, it was dusk, and he wasn't seen.
Gob: You drive a hard bargain, but I'm the President of the Bluth company, and I decline.
[turns to Sitwell]
Gob: You look surprised.
Stan Sitwell: [adjusts his eyebrows] Must've put 'em on wrong.
George Sr.: I think it's a mistake letting George Michael go on this church thing.
Michael: Her name is Ann, Dad, and he's not "going on" her.
Maebe: So, you killed Kitty, huh?
Michael: No, I did not kill Kitty. However, I am going to oblige and answer the nice officer's questions because I am an honest man with no secrets to hide.
[whoops and hollers heard from the conference room]
Michael: And apparently, a fun one. Why don't we go see what's going on in the back, shall we?
Maebe: Were those the last words Kitty ever heard?
Mae 'Maebe' Funke: [noticing Tobias dressed in all leather] Didnt you get a job or something?
Tobias Fünke: No, no I didnt. Unless... you consider "World's Coolest Daddy" a job.
Gob: Michael, I'm your big brother. I'll never be impressed with you.
Michael: There's more to life than strippers and booze and buckets of blood. Why do you guys have buckets of blood?
Gob: It's not real blood. It's corn syrup and red dye... juice.
Buster: There's unlimited juice? This party is gonna be off the hook.
Tobias Fünke: [while at a western-themed resort] Michael, you are not quite the ladies man I had pictured. Hopefully, we will remedy that when we are in the spa spreading body chocolate on each other.
George Sr.: I'm paying thousands of dollars in Krugerrands.
Lindsay Funke: What?
George Sr.: Gold Krugerrands. Your mother snuck them in here, stuffed them in energy bar wrappers to keep me from getting strangled in the shower or worse.
Lindsay Funke: Stabbed?
George Sr.: In a way. I use them to pay off the other guys to stop them from hollering obscenities at my... my little girl. But you keep coming back here, honey, and I'm going broke.
Lindsay Funke: [Touched] That's all I've ever wanted from you, Daddy- for you to spend money on me.
Tobias Fünke: Come on, Lindsay. We've had some great times.
[a white screen appears with text reading: "Footage not found."]
Narrator: Gob was recently hired by the Bluth Company's rival, Sitwell Enterprises. And although he started off well...
Gob: 52% of the country is single. That's a market that's been dominated by apartment rentals. Let's take some of that market. I call it "Single City."
Narrator: ...his ideas failed to evolve.
Gob: It's, like, "Hey, you want to go down to the whirlpool?" "Yeah, I don't have a husband." I call it "Swing City."
Stan Sitwell: Let's get into some new areas, if you don't mind.
Narrator: But Gob continued to fine-tune his first one.
Gob: How do we filter out the teases? We don't let them in.
Gob: This goes for the guys, too. Because sometimes the guys are tapped out. But check your lease, man. Because you're living in
Stan Sitwell: You're fired.
Maebe: All Pop-Pop ever wanted was to see you with another man besides Daddy.
Lindsay Funke: You're right. I'll just throw on a skirt, take off my underwear and make your Pop-Pop proud.
Gob: I'm filling Dad's shoes, now, Michael. Literally. Well, the shoes didn't fit but at least I got into Dad's pants.
[everyone looks at GOB]
Gob: And I also had to have the crotch taken up a little.
[after watching Rita walk across the pool]
Michael: Gob, was that your trick?
Gob: No, Michael, that's not my trick.
Narrator: On the next Arrested Development:
Gob: [shouts] It's my illusion.
Narrator: While on the set of Wrench, Tobias had snuck into the costume closet and disguised himself as an English nanny in an attempt to see his daughter and prove to his wife he had what it took to become a successful actor. It was the exact same plot as Mrs. Doubtfire...
Tobias Fünke: [after Lindsay answers the door] Why, hellooo. My name is Mrs. Phlyddia Featherbottom, the agency sent me over.
Lindsay Funke: Uh... I didn't contact any agency.
Tobias Fünke: But I can cook and clean and even take care of the little ones. In fact, if it comes in handy... I can sing a song or two...
Narrator: And maybe a little Mary Poppins to throw in the mix...
Tobias Fünke: A squirt of frosting down the throat helps to take your medication / In the most delicious way...
Gob: Is that George Michael's girlfriend? What is she funny or something?
Michael: My mother is opposed to the idea of hiring a new attorney. She'll probably refuse to enter the room if she sees you.
Wayne Jarvis: I shall hide behind the couch.
[and he does just that]
Michael: Guy's a pro.
Michael: [after George Sr. has been handed a jail sentence] They're going to keep Dad in jail until this whole thing gets sorted out.
[silence amongst the family]
Michael: Also, I've been told that the company's expense accounts have been frozen...
Michael: ...Interesting. I would have expected that after "They're keeping Dad in jail."
Gob: [Gob's wife has served him divorce papers] And now she's stomping on my heart.
Michael Bluth: What's her first name? Quickly.
Gob: [flustered] Crindee.
Michael Bluth: Name's not Crindee, Gob.
Gob: [Reads papers] Ah, Saul Zetzmann. Nope. That's her lawyer. Well, she's GOT a name. And I'm gonna find out what it is. And I'm gonna make a pun on it. And that's what I'll call her. Bad example: if her name's Amy, I'll call her "Blame-y."
Michael Bluth: That's a strong defense.
Buster: We're excavating a pterodactyl.
[plainly shows a human skull; Buster accidentally hits and breaks it with a hammer]
Buster: That was 90% gravity.
[Tobias has painted himself blue]
Tobias Funke: I blue myself.
Michael Bluth: There has got to be a better way to say that.
Lucille: If you're suggesting I play favorites, you're wrong. I love all of my children equally.
Lucille: [earlier that day] I don't care for Gob.
Barry Zuckerkorn: So basically you're about 2,000 shares short of being the majority stock holders. Now unfortunately it's a private stock so you can not just buy up the shares unless someone is willing to sell
Michael: Are you sure?
Barry Zuckerkorn: That's what it said on 'Ask Jeeves'
Lucille: You idiots. If your father sees me here with Wayne...
Michael: ...we'll be stuck with Barry.
Wayne Jarvis: I shall hide behind that garbage car.
[and does just that]
Michael: Guy's a pro.
Narrator: For the first time, Lucille prays...
Lucille: [Praying] Take something else from us. Do whatever you have to to keep my boy from going to war.
Narrator: And Buster is on his way when he decides to pursue a long-delayed rite of passage...
[Buster swims in the ocean]
Person: Loose seal. Watch out for loose seal.
Buster: [Thinking he means Lucille] I don't care about Lucille. She lies.
Narrator: ...and then a seal bites off his hand.
Carl Weathers: [about Burger King] I'm going to go get a drink refill. You know you can get unlimited refills on any drink you want... and it's free?
Tobias Fünke: It's a wonderful restaurant.
Narrator: It sure is.
Michael: [at Gob's magic show at the Gothic Castle] Where's Tobias?
Narrator: [voiceover] Tobias had intended to come to the magic show, but had a slight miscommunication with his cab driver.
Tobias Fünke: [Tobias is wearing a leather outfit he bought to impress Maebe] I would like to go to the Gothic Castle.
Cab Driver: Gothic asshole?
Tobias Fünke: Yes.
[at the wrong Gothic Castle, Tobias sees two people walking out]
Tobias Fünke: Boy, I am glad I didn't go with that outfit.
[to the bouncer]
Tobias Fünke: I am here to see the magic.
Lindsay: Michael, if this is a lecture on how we're all supposed to whatever and blah-blah-blah, well, you can save it, because we all know it by heart.
Gob: My gut is telling me no... but my gut is also very hungry.
Tobias Fünke: I don't do nudity.
[holding up a pair of cut-off jeans]
Tobias Fünke: Why do you think I wear these?
George Michael: I was never really clear on that.
Tobias Fünke: Do you see me more as the respected dramatic actor or more of the beloved comic actor?
Carl Weathers: Whoa, whoa, whoa. There's still plenty of meat on that bone. Now you take this home, throw it in a pot, add some broth, a potato. Baby, you've got a stew going.
Tobias Fünke: Yes, that's fine, but I would like to focus on my acting, Mr. Weathers. I did give you my last $1, 100.
Carl Weathers: Let me tell you a little story about acting. I was doing this Showtime movie, Hot Ice with Anne Archer, never once touched my per diem. I'd go to Craft Service, get some raw veggies, bacon, Cup-A-Soup... baby, I got a stew going.
Tobias Fünke: [pause] I think I'd like my money back.
Gob: [while giving a lecture on office sexual harassment policies] Please refrain from discussing or engaging in any inter-office
Gob: and finger
Gob: or even
Gob: . Even though so many of us are *begging* for it. Oh, and if anyone lays a finger on my sister Lindsay, I'll take off my pants, I'll show you my
Gob: and I'll personally
Lucille: I bought it using the new unfrozen stock as soon as I received the memo.
Michael Bluth: You mean, the memo that specifically told you not to sell?
Lucille: Did it say that? I stopped after "unfrozen."
[upon seeing GOB's banana stand "mascots"]
George Michael: Are those strippers?
Michael: If I know your uncle, they're at least strippers.
George Michael Bluth: Say what you want about America, thirteen bucks still gets you a hell of a lot of mice!
Dave Attell: [discussing Tobias with Carl Weathers] Whoa, this guy's straight?
[holds up a pair of Tobias' cut-offs]
Dave Attell: Then, what am I wearing these for?
Lucille Austero: Today at lunch, you were ashamed to be with me.
Gob: No. I was ashamed to be seen with you. I like being with you.
Lucille: What's a Forget-Me-Now?
Gob: They're pills that create a sort of temporary forgettingness. So if somebody finds out how you do a trick, you just give 'em one of these, and they forget the whole thing. It's a mainstay of the magician's toolkit, like how clowns always have a rag soaked in ether.
Tobias Fünke: Gob, this is Flunitrazepam. It's a roofie.
Lucille: Those are illegal.
Gob: Shut up, Mom. Don't make me give you another one of these.
Michael Bluth: Did that oven vent hit you? Your foot is bleeding.
Lindsay Funke: [obviously under the influence] Oh, my God. My foot is bleeding.
Narrator: Teamocil may cause numbness of the extremities.
Michael Bluth: Don't forget. We're going to need you for the softball team tomorrow.
Lindsay Funke: Of course. Why do you think I'm taking Teamocil?
Michael Bluth: To curb your sex drive.
Lindsay Funke: Oh, yeah. What team are you talking about?
Narrator: It may also cause short-term memory loss.
Narrator: Now the story of a wealthy family who lost everything and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together. It's Arrested Development.
Tobias Fünke: So fill each one of these bags with some glitter, my photo resume, some candy, and a note.
Mae 'Maebe' Funke: [reading one of the notes] "I know where you live, ha, ha." Casting directors hate this.
Narrator: They really do.
Casting Director: [shows a casting director's office] The glitteratti has struck again.
[reading the resume]
Casting Director: Never hire Tobias Funke.
Tobias Fünke: [while rehearsing his "frightened inmate #2" character] Say something that will terrify me.
Lindsay Funke: Fuck me.
Tobias Fünke: No, that didn't do it.
Lindsay Funke: Oh, are we still talking about the tapes? I was talking about my marriage. As you know, Bob Loblaw and I have had a secret little thing going.
Michael: Real secret. In fact, he doesn't even know about it.
Lindsay Funke: Last night, he finally responded to one of my subtle hints.
Lindsay Funke: [flashback] Why wont you fuck me?
Bob Loblaw: I'll be honest. You're a nice girl but you dress like a common whore. And besides, I just can't go out with a client.
Buster: Why should I have to sit and cheer Annyong? Annyong never cheers me.
Annyong: Go Fatty.
[Buster lunges at him and they fight]
Lucille: Stop it. He's your little brother.
Buster: No he isn't. I came out of you, he didn't.
Annyong: Okay, Mom want someone to come with her to my soccer game. She don't want other soccer moms think she single. She old school.
Michael: I liked it better when he just said Annyong.
Buster: My Army training tells me... that this is going to be a hot mission.
Michael: What? A hot mission?
Buster: Yes. I create a diversion, and you grab George Michael and go. We need a name. Maybe "Operation Hot Mother".
Michael: No, le-let's try to top that.
Narrator: They never did, and later, "Operation Hot Mother" was underway.
Lindsay Funke: I hate to say it, but Michael might be right. You need to learn a little discipline.
Mae 'Maebe' Funke: Hmm. Nope. That doesn't feel right.
Lindsay Funke: No, no, no. I am telling you. You are now punished. I punish thee.
Mae 'Maebe' Funke: Are you serious? What could you possibly come up with that would punish me?
Lindsay Funke: Oh, I have to come up with another thing?
Kitty: The program has changed my life. And I have a sponsor now.
Kitty: He's famous.
Michael: That's great.
Kitty: I can't tell you who he is, but let's just say... that he was on... "Night Court."
Michael: Well, you look great...
Kitty: ...I can tell you who it's NOT. It's not Bull. It's not Harry Anderson.
Michael: I got it...
Kitty: ...and he's white.
Michael: I know who it is.
Buster: Mom is becoming a little controlling.
Michael: What tipped you off? When she locked you out on the balcony again?
Buster: That was half my fault. I thought I saw a Graham Cracker out there.
Michael: You baited the balcony?
Lucille Bluth: Prove it.
General Garvey: [Lucille is trying to get Buster out of combat by visiting the General, an old boyfriend of hers from her USO days] I'm sorry, there's nothing I can do.
Lucille: Is there anything *I* can do?
General Garvey: Well, maybe if you go?
[leans back in his chair]
General Garvey: ?downtown.
Lucille: [grins] Oh, I haven't done that in thirty years.
[pauses, then sings]
Lucille: When you're alone and life is making you lonely you can always go downtown.
Lindsay Funke: Did you enjoy your meal, Mom? You drank it fast enough.
Lucille: Not as much as you enjoyed yours. You want the belt to buckle, not your chair.
[server sets a dessert of Bananas Foster on fire]
Lucille: You might want to let that fire go out before you stick your face in it.
Lindsay Funke: That's funny, 'cause I was gonna say "You might wanna lean away from that fire since you're soaked in alcohol."
Lucille: Mine was better.
Michael: [talking to Lindsay as Tobias enters] Tobias doesn't do anything around here.
Tobias Fünke: Well excuuuuuuuse meeeee.
[Tobias looks down defeated looking]
Tobias Fünke: Excuse me.
[walks off crying]
Lucille: [shrieking at a waiter] Take it back. If I wanted something your thumb touched I'd eat the inside of your ear.
Michael: I wonder how I can talk you out of ever making that face again.
Narrator: After being arrested, George Sr. found a loophole in the Mexican judicial system...
George Sr.: [holds up wad of cash] I have...
George Sr.: ... I have money
Michael: My mom is very stressed out, and she needs something I can't give her, um... maybe a little "afternoon delight".
Narrator: Oscar thought that Michael was referring to a particular brand of cannabis named Afternoon Deelite, a strain famous for slowing behavior.
Oscar: Well sure, my question is, which way do I try to get it in her?
Michael: I don't need any details.
Oscar: Maybe I'll put it in her brownie
Gob: [arms crossed] Then there's me. The joker. The goofball. The magician.
[quickly makes a magician's gesture with his hands]
Michael: I thought you were gonna do a little fireball there.
Gob: I was. It didn't go off.
Rita: But I want to get married and have sexual relations like you promised.
George Sr.: Listen... Let him go. Let your son go.
Michael: I can't do that, Dad. He needs me.
George Sr.: Michael, you don't want to make the same mistake your mom made with Buster.
Michael: Yeah, boy. What happened there?
George Sr.: I really don't know. Maybe it was the eleven months he spent in the womb. The doctor said there were claw marks on the walls of her uterus. But he was her "miracle baby." And I-I was just too burnt out on raising you guys to care. So... he turned out a little soft, you know, a little doughy.
[Buster yawns next to him]
George Sr.: I don't know, maybe it was my fault. Maybe, uh, maybe I just ignored the guy.
[Buster finishes yawning although George Sr is ignoring him]
Buster: Wow. We're just blowing through nap time, aren't we?
Michael: Yeah, I got to let my son go.
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth: [turning a twenty into... ] Monopoly. You don't have it, do you?
George Michael: Yeah, actually.
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth: Well, that's good, cuz this one is missing a lot of pieces.
[drives off on his Segway]
George Michael: Uh, Uncle GOB, the twenty?
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth: A magician never reveals his secrets.
George Michael: I don't need the secret, I need...
[GOB is gone]
George Michael: Wow, that's so much like stealing.
Tobias Fünke: Are you calling me a coward?
Warden Stefan Gentles: There's only one man I've ever called a coward, and that's Brian Doyle Murray. No, what I'm calling you is a television actor.
Tobias Fünke: Ouch.
Lindsay Funke: [to Michael] GOB doesnt do anything for the family.
Gob: Hey, I'm fucking Lucille 2.
Lindsay Funke: Or I could do something like that.
Uncle Jack: [to Michael] I'm invited into very few personal homes.
[to his assisstant, Dragon]
Uncle Jack: TO THE NUTS.
Narrator: Gob had just blown up a car.
Gob: [with Lucille 2] Next thing I know, I'm running for my life. And all I could think was if something were to ever happen to me, how sad I'd be, you know?
Lucille Austero: What you did to me at lunch today... You were ashamed to be with me.
Gob: No. I was ashamed to be seen with you. I like being with you.
Lucille Austero: I'm sorry, but you have no courage.
Gob: How can you say that? Shh. Thought I heard my mom.
Gob: How can you say that?
Michael: [to George-Michael at Milford interview] Save it for the talk room, son.
George Sr.: [via satellite from prison] Sorry, some of my students are arguing the significance of the shankbone on the seder plate. But we do not - not wag our genitals at one another to make a point.
George Sr.: [via satellite from prison] Chanukah can be spelled so many ways. Oh God.
Michael: It's the carpenter who blames his shoddy -
Michael: [bleep] stupid corballin' piece of
Lucille: Michael Moore confronted me on national television.
Michael: First of all, that was not Michael Moore. That was a Michael Moore look-alike. And second it wasn't national television. It was for a bit, on Jimmy Kimmel Live.
Lucille: I don't know what that is nor do I care to find out.
Lucille: The company is in danger.
Michael: What tipped you off? The falling profit margins or the fact that we're a regular feature on Bill O'Reilly's most ridiculous item of the day?
Narrator: Michael was having brunch with Sally Sitwell at a restaurant called Skip Church's Bistro. In addition to brunch, the restaurant was known for an item on the menu called the "Skip's Scramble", an omelet that contained everything on the menu. Do not order the Skip's Scramble.
George Sr.: Look, I just need something to read. Pop-pop gets a Grisham?
Prison guard: No touching.
George Michael Bluth: I came to talk to you about the softball game. We need some girls on the team this year.
Michael Bluth: It's a league requirement.
Narrator: One that was difficult to keep, given GOB's behavior in the third inning of last year's game.
[shows GOB lying on top of a woman]
Narrator: And in the fifth.
[shows GOB following one of the female players]
Narrator: Oh, and before the game.
[shows GOB pouring water over the female players]
Michael Bluth: We lost our entire outfield and a couple of court cases.
Narrator: So the speech was disturbing, the food was inedible, and the gift bags pretty frightening. And when GOB found out that he wasnt going to get any tips, the service got worse. Oh and that old racist woman choked on Buster's thumb. All in all it was one of the Bluth's better parties.
Narrator: George Michael did not just get to second base with Maeby, he dove in head first. Like Pete Rose.
Tobias Fünke: If this were a Lifetime Moment of Truth movie, this would be our act break.
Narrator: But it wasn't.
Oscar: [Oscar grabs onto the dashboard] The car.
George Sr.: Up yours Granny.
Lucille: You couldn't handle it.
Ann Veal: You must teach me, George Michael. You must teach me the ways of the secular flesh.
Narrator: And back at the penthouse, Lucille was praying for the second time in her life.
Lucille: Lord, let Buster forget everything. And if you need to take another hand to make that happen, please make it G.O.B.'s.
Narrator: What Dave Attell was trying to portray was the fact that Tobias was never able to be completely naked, but it was lost on the audience due to the narrator's shoddy delivery.
Lucille: [after Michael and GOB switch coolers containing evidence and Kitty gets a hold of them] THERE WERE 250 CCs OF YOUR FATHER'S SEMEN IN THE COOLER IN THE BANANA STAND.
Michael: No touching.
Lucille: [after beating Kitty at a drinking contest] I've got to get back to rehab.
Man at Bar: [in background] SHE'S IN REHAB.
Michael: You know, I'm in pretty good shape, Buster. You could be eating my dust all day.
Narrator: Buster was starting to give as good as he received.
Buster: Yeah, and you could be eating
Buster: that's gonna
Michael: Well, let's hope it doesn't come to that.
George Michael Bluth: [George Michael is in love with his ethics teacher] I don't want to let down Miss Baerly. She's nice, you know?
Lindsay Funke: She's interesting... and pretty?
George Michael Bluth: Well, I don't know why I'm telling you this. I guess there's just some things you can't always say to your dad.
Lindsay Funke: Ah. sounds like you'd like her to be more than just your teacher.
Narrator: Lindsay believed that George Michael wanted to fix up his father so he could fill the role of his mother.
Lindsay Funke: There's nothing wrong with that. Although... I must say I'm a little hurt that you haven't considered me.
George Michael Bluth: You're my aunt.
Lindsay Funke: That doesn't matter. Aunts can fill that role. Teachers can fill that role. And, someday, you're going to find the right woman to fill that role. But until then... I'll be right across the hall.
Narrator: Lindsay had never been more proud of anything she had said in her entire life.
George Michael Bluth: Yikes.
Lindsay Funke: [Trying to set Michael up with Ms Barely] Well, I think she's perfect for you.
Michael: For me? Really? Thanks, but no, Lindsay. I've already been set up once today by a sibling, and I don't think you people know my type.
Lindsay Funke: Hey, look, it's not coming from me. It's George Michael. He told me. I think he wants a mother.
Michael: Well, that's ridiculous. He's got you. He's got our mother. You'd think that would turn him off the entire concept.
Lucille: Oh, George, I should have never doubted you. Even when you slept with my sister it was for a good reason.
George Sr.: Got her to stop drinking, didn't it?
[Tobias is directing George Michael and Maeby in the school play]
Tobias Fünke: Look, you are playing adults...
[Tobias falls out of his chair]
Tobias Fünke: [to nearby student] Pick that up. Pick that up, please.
Tobias Fünke: ...with fully formed libidos, not two young men playing grab-ass in the shower.
Michael: [At Police Station, on phone to Lucille] They're keeping me over night while I wait for my arraignment. I'd appreciate it if you could tell my son that I'm on a business trip.
Lucille: Why can't the girl at work do it?
Michael: Tobias? I sent him on a date with Kitty to keep her off our backs.
Lucille: Well, you better hope Lindsay doesn't find out. She'll be devastated.
Lindsay Funke: [Enters room] Find out what?
Lucille: Your husband's dating Kitty, the whore.
Lindsay Funke: He is? That's horrible.
Lucille: [to Michael] Do I know my daughter?
Dave Attell: [to Carl Weathers about Tobias] If this guy's straight, then I'm sober.
Dave Attell: Wow, the service sent you over quick.
Lindsay Funke: Oh I'm sorry.
[Dave Attell quickly removes the cutoffs]
Lindsay Funke: You dont cry when you take those off?
Lindsay Funke: I think George Michael needs a mother.
Michael: Well, he's got you, he's got mom, you think that would turn him off the concept entirely.
Mae 'Maebe' Funke: Do you remember that French film we snuck into? Dangerous Cousins?
George Michael Bluth: No, actually, I dont remember it.
Narrator: In fact, George Michael knew the movie very well. He currently had a copy of the DVD hidden in his sock drawer.
Tobias Fünke: Boy, I sure feel like a Mary without a Peter and a Paul.
Lindsay Funke: Hey, I could've sworn I just saw Dad... Or not. I think hallucinations are a side effect of Teamocil.
Narrator: They aren't.
Narrator: Last year, Tobias produced a video tape. But its brief success was due to its misleading name.
[shows "Families with Low Self Esteem" next to "Girls With Low Self Esteem"]
Narrator: Once this flaw was discovered, all but ten of the tapes were returned.
Tobias Fünke: I want my family back. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I want to reunite the band.
Michael: Oh, no.
Narrator: Oh, no was right. In the mid '90s, Tobias formed a folk music band with Lindsay and Maebe which he called Dr. Funke's 100 Percent Natural Good Time Family Band Solution. The group was underwritten by the Natural Food Life Company, a division of Chem-Grow, an Allen Crayne acqusition, which was part of the Squimm Group. Their motto was simple: We keep you alive.
Tobias Fünke: Good news, everyone. I bought the Queen Mary.
Gob: Really? I was just thinking of getting a yacht.
Tobias Fünke: Well, I was dancing with the owner and he was looking to sell... Also, he really, really did look like a woman... But can you believe it? The only reason he's selling it is because, supposedly, it's in a bad neighborhood?
Lindsay Funke: You idiot. I was going to use the stock money to get us into the country club.
Michael Bluth: What?
Lindsay Funke: ...It's in such a nice neighborhood.
Michael Bluth: I don't believe this. Didn't any of you read that memo?
Narrator: None of them had read past the word "unfrozen."
George Michael Bluth: [George Michael is finishing a eulogy for George Sr] I'll be bringing you some salmon rolls real soon.
George Sr.: [watching from the attic] How many times I gotta tell this kid chicken wings?
Narrator: George Michael was getting ready for school when he came across a box of love letters he'd written, but never sent, to his cousin Maeby. One letter, titled "If you weren't my cousin," was particularly incriminating.
Buster: [to Michael] Mom signed me up for the army, just because the fat man dared her to.
Michael: [Michael and George Michael are watching the banana stand burn to the ground] This is going to be our best summer ever.
[GOB scoots up]
Michael: You mailed that insurance check, right, GOB?
[GOB scoots off, Michael chases after him]
[Michael is asked to take over the family business]
Michael: I'm moving to Phoenix. I got a job.
[There is an awkward silence]
Michael: Something you apply for and they pay you to... Never mind, I don't want to ruin the surprise.
[after Lucille gives Maeby a jeweled elephant brooch that Lindsay was supposed to inherit]
Lindsay Funke: That was supposed to be for me. She was my au pair. I'm the one who cleared my throat and pointed to the laundry room. Ma. You know I wanted that.
Lucille Bluth: I know. But it's an elephant and I didn't want to invite the comparison.
[after the publicist has just told the family that Michael is the most likeable member of the family]
Publicist: There are very few intelligent, attractive and straight men in this town.
Tobias Fünke: Well, that leaves me out.
[silence, everyone stares]
Tobias Fünke: She did say single, right? I-I-I thought she said single.
Mae 'Maebe' Funke: You and I are so different. It's like we're not even related.
George Michael Bluth: That would be amazing.
Lucille Bluth: Did that Mexican girlfriend of yours kick you out?
Gob: She's not "*that* Mexican," Mom, she's "*my* Mexican." And she's Colombian or something.
Buster: No mother, I can blow myself. You've interfered for the last time.
[Gob is leaving his and Marta's house]
Marta: Te Quiero.
Gob: English, please.
Marta: I love you.
Gob: Great, now I'm late.
[as cops surround the docks and start shooting at drug dealers while fake stripper cops cower nearby]
Drug Dealer: You set us up.
Gob: No. These are the strippers. Look how hot they are.
[George Michael and Maeby are searching through the Bluth company files illegally]
George Michael: Fingerprints? You said they wouldn't be taking fingerprints.
Maebe: No, I said don't wear your mittens.
Lucille: Guess who's coming to dinner?
[giving a toast]
Michael: To Buster and Lucille...
Buster: Don't forget my girlfriend.
Michael: That's who I meant.
George Sr.: You should have seen the face he made when - well, he's my twin brother, I'll show you.
[on the phone]
George Michael: Hello, Bluth Company.
George Michael: Talk you off? Talk you off what, Pop-Pop?
George Sr.: Oh, George Michael. I thought you were - when's that voice gonna drop?
[answering the phone]
George Michael: [very quickly] Bluth-Company-George-Michael-speaking-not-Kitty.
Lucille Bluth: I'm going to Annyong's soccer awards ceremony, and...
[everyone glares at Annyong]
Lucille Bluth: ...and I don't need the other soccer moms knowing how old my first batch of kids are.
Gob: Yeah, I think that they're gonna know that Annyong's not...
Gob: [screaming] ... would somebody *please* tell this insufferable child to... GOD.
George Michael Bluth: Oh, my God. It's your mom and gangee.
Mae 'Maebe' Funke: What are they doing here?
George Michael Bluth: They're adults. They're allowed to have fun whenever they want. We're kids, we're supposed to work.
Gob: I'm a failure. I can't even fake the death of a stripper.
[getting off the phone with George Sr]
Michael: What'd he say?
George Michael: Well, if I clean it up, it really isn't a sentence.
[Gob has slept with a teacher he thought Michael liked]
Michael: Gob, Ms. Whitehead was the civics teacher. We both had her.
Gob: Yes we did, and now we're even.
[Lindsay is trying to get rid of a replica of the Ten Commandments from the front of a courthouse]
Lindsay: I've always been passionate about the separation of church and state.
Michael: Oh, really? What are you going to do with them?
Lindsay: I don't know. Give 'em to a school.
[Buster has shown up at his father's hearing with a mariachi band]
Lucille: Oh, for God's sake. He's out of the house for two days and he joins a gang.
Michael: What's the matter with you? Didn't you bag some woman you're never going to see again?
Gob: Well, I broke a couple of my own rules. She knows I'm Gob Bluth, and... we got married, and...
Michael Bluth: Why are you squeezing me with your body?
Lucille Bluth: It's a hug, Michael. I'm hugging you.
Mae 'Maebe' Funke: It all adds up. He stole somebody's hair, made a wig, knocked out the guard, tunneled his way through a sewer line, and then stopped to get a candied apple on his way to Mexico.
George Michael Bluth: Of course.
George Michael Bluth: You're mocking me.
Mae 'Maebe' Funke: Of course.
George Bluth, Sr.: Michael, this is my brother. Do you know what it's like to have a sibling who has no source of income except for you?
Michael Bluth: Just one? No. No idea. It sounds wonderful, though.
Gob: Believe me, we didn't do any sleeping. I had sex last night.
Narrator: But he really didn't
Gob: Yes, I did.
Buster: Oh my god... Oh my god... I killed Michael...
Gob: But on the plus side, you got punched in the face.
Gob: I lost Earl Milford.
Gob: I didn't know it was him. Although he was exceptionally quiet in there. You can always tell a Milford man.
Michael: So, how'd you make the yacht disappear?
Gob: Michael, a magician never reveals -
- I sunk it. At least I think I sunk it. I mean, I blew it up and I don't see it anywhere.
Narrator: Gob, getting the feeling he could not return a completely frozen dead dove to a pet store and get the full refund the felt he was entitled to, decided to join him.
Michael: The only thing I found in the refrigerator was a dead dove in a bag.
Gob: You didnt eat that dove, did you? I only have 6 days to return it.
Barry Zuckerkorn: Those are the pictures?
Wayne Jarvis: They're all over the news.
Barry Zuckerkorn: [scrutinizes] Those are balls.
Wayne Jarvis: What?
Narrator: Barry was right. Tobias had inadvertently photographed himself in the bathtub while trying to figure out his new cell phone.
George Michael Bluth: I have Pop Pop in the attic.
Michael Bluth: The mere fact that you call making love "Pop Pop" tells me that you're not ready.
Gob: I did the right thing, Michael. If I didn't fire them, how could I teach a lesson to the others?
Michael: There are no others. You fired everyone.
Gob: Oh, that's great. The guy who's dirty dancing with his niece is telling the guy in the $3,600 suit... how to... run the business...
Gob: Come on.
Michael: Maybe we were better off with me being businesslike and you being the good time useless party guy.
Gob: It got us this far. And I must say I miss the laughter. Oh God, how they used to laugh with me.
Michael: AT you. We have to figure out a way to hire everybody back. A meeting.
Gob: A party.
Michael: No, we just had a party.
Gob: Yeah but I didn't get to have any fun.
Gob: Brother? Hermano means brother? Well, sounds like Hermano is about to get his ass kicked.
Dr. Gunty: [to Tobias, during a role playing session] Right. If I'm no Schwimmer, you're no Jennifer Aniston.
[flashback to George Sr. driving a younger Michael, Gob, and Buster]
George Sr.: We're out of milk. I could have got it earlier if someone would have left a note.
[suddenly he runs down J. Walter Weatherman and his fake arm comes off]
George Sr.: [poorly acting] Why? If someone had left a note, this innocent man would still have his arm. Why?
[the kids scream as Weatherman comes up to them]
J. Walter Weatherman: And that's why you always leave a note.
Lindsay: [saying how stress can lead to drugs] ... like the stress you put on George Michael, even when he gets an A.
Michael: *Minus*, and he knows an A gets him ice cream.
Buster: [describing Lucille 2 as he saw her without glasses on] ... a darkish area with... points.
Lucille: I don't want to leave Buster alone with all the J-U-I-C-E.
Buster: I can spell, Mother; you spelled juice.
Lucille: What a genius. Let's see you find it.
[Gob has gotten George Michael to break in and steal company records]
George Sr.: You got my 14-year-old grandson do this?
Gob: Under 18 walks out clean.
George Sr.: Listen, um... there's a very strict "no touching policy" here. But, um... oh, what the hell, it's worth a week in the hot box.
Prison guard: No touching.
George Sr.: You stupid ass.
Oscar: Your mother called me for a reason. I don't think she's happy.
Buster: No, my mother's happy. She's just mean all the time.
George Sr.: [explaining why he left the company to Lucille] They cannot charge a husband and wife for the same crime.
Michael: That's not true.
George Sr.: Really?
George Sr.: [whispering] I got the worst
George Sr.: -ing attorneys.
Narrator: Tobias was a never nude, which is exactly what it sounds like.
Barry Zuckerkorn: It would help if you all showed up, looking like a loving, supportive family.
Lucille: For how long?
Barry Zuckerkorn: Ten minutes tops.
Lucille: See if you can get it down to five.
Michael: G. O. B., you've found a woman who believes in you. You should make a commitment to her because life is short. Listen to me. I would give anything to be able to have that again, you know? A family. Nothing else matters.
Michael: It's Mom. Hide.
Gob: You brought up money earlier. I actually would like to borrow some.
Gob: He's in here, Mom.
Michael: Come on.
Lucille Bluth: I'll be in the hospital bar.
Michael Bluth: Uhh, you know, there isn't a hospital bar, mother.
Lucille Bluth: Well, this is why people hate hospitals.
Lindsay Funke: I'm tired of trying to find happiness through lies and self-medicating. If you need me, I'll be at the bar.
Wife of Gob: G. O. B. , I want out. I'm in love with your brother...
Gob: You did it again, you son of a bitch.
Wife of Gob: ...In-law. Tobias. Sorry. I should have finished that thought.
Michael: You want to be in charge?
Michael: You want to deal with what I deal with? A sister who takes your money and throws it away. A mother who you can't trust. A company whose founder may be on trial for treason. Is that what you want?
Gob: What kind of vacation time does it offer?
Michael: [discussing evidence that links George Sr. to Saddam Hussein] If this information was so damaging, why didn't you just shred it?
George Sr.: Well, Saddam owed us money.
Michael: And you didn't realize that he wouldn't pay?
George Sr.: Your mom had a good feeling about him.
Lindsay Funke: Barry, did you talk to a doctor?
Barry Zuckerkorn: I did. I have poison oak. Do you believe it? How the hell did I get that?
[Cut to a shot of a rest area]
Lucille Bluth: She was talking about George.
Barry Zuckerkorn: Oh, he's the same. Look, I guess we should decide on who's going to speak for the family. I would, but I have Laker tickets.
[Cut to a shot of the rest area]
Lindsay Funke: I'm saying every time something starts to go well for you, you blow it.
Tobias Fünke: Nothing has ever gone well for me, and you know that.
Lindsay Funke: That's my point, you...
Lindsay Funke: ... handsome cowboy, you.
Tobias Fünke: Oh, great. And now you're mocking me. You selfish coun-
Tobias Fünke: ... try music loving lady. Hello, Maeby.
Buster: [about Lucille] It's like she gets off on being witholding.
Michael: Whoa. Buster.
Gob: Look who's got something to say.
Buster: [impersonating Lucille] I'm Mom and I want to shoot down everything you say so I feel good about myself.
Gob: Look who's ragging on the old lady.
Buster: Cause I'm an uptight
Buster: ... you old horny slut.
Michael: [pause] Well, no one's going to top that.
Marta: [after Gob's magic trick scares some children] They're children. How could you do that?
Gob: Oh, sure, first you dump all over it, now you want to know how it's done.
[Buster reveals that he made George Michael get pot from Gob for him]
Buster: It-it's for my girlfriend. She's sick.
Gob: Why don't you just wait it out? She's gonna be gone soon.
Buster: Oh, that's it.
[starts hitting Gob]
Buster: Why are YOU hitting yourself? Why are YOU hitting yourself? Why are YOU hitting yourself?
Lucille Bluth: Supposedly, Luz had to take her daughter to the hospital. That's Lupe, her sister.
Michael Bluth: I hope she's okay...
Lucille Bluth: She's awful. Can barely wash a dish.
[Lucille sees Lupe cleaning the inside of the fireplace]
Lucille Bluth: Uh oh. She better not walk through here after she's been in there.
Lucille Bluth: Tell me you've got an exit strategy.
Michael Bluth: [chiding her] Mother...
Lucille Bluth: Oh, please. They didn't sneak into this country to be your friends.
Narrator: [Michael argues with GOB over who should do the ribbon-cutting ceremony] George Sr. had always done the ribbon-cutting ceremony, even for the Orange County Prison, which he built, and later, ironically, would occupy.
Michael: That cousin of yours is a smart girl... Its too bad you can't date her.
George Michael Bluth: No, I was talk... You mean, you wouldn't have a problem with that?
[Michael looks at him funny]
George Michael Bluth: ...Nothing.
George Michael Bluth: Don't you always say "family first"?
Michael: Yes, I do. But that is not a family. Okay? They're a bunch of greedy, selfish people who have our nose. And Aunt Lindsay.
George Michael Bluth: She's not my real aunt?
Michael: Not her real nose. Got a picture of her when she was 14 in a swimming cap. She looks like a falcon.
George Sr.: [George Sr. is hiding in the attic, Michael brings him some food] Does Pop-pop get a treat?
Michael: No, Pop-pop does not get a treat, I just brought you a fucking pizza.
George Sr.: Don't get involved. Believe me. When I thought your first wife was pulling us apart, I did not make a stink.
Michael: You complained all the time and she was my only wife and she died.
George Sr.: Well, see? Things have a way of working themselves out.
Gob: Yeah, the guy in the $3,000 suit is holding the elevator for the guy who doesn't make that in four months. Come on.
Gob: Okay, everybody come out of your offices please. The party has now started.
[turns on music]
Gob: Let's go... Everybody dance now.
[the workers stare at him]
Gob: Everybody dance NOW.
[the workers start listlessly dancing]
Michael: Well, I think we're off to a great start.
Lucille: I heard about the banana stand and now there's been a break-in. But I have a surprise for whoever it is if he comes back.
[holds up an air horn and a fire poker]
Lucille: First I blow him, then I poke him.
Michael: Guy has no idea what he's in for.
Lucille: Buster. Thank God you're back. There's no shame in being a coward.
Buster: A coward? I'm not a coward. Would I coward have THIS?
[holds out a stuffed seal]
Lucille: What the hell is that?
Buster: These are my awards, Mother. From Army. The seal is for marksmanship and the gorilla is for sand racing.
Michael Bluth: We're not here to talk nonsense to Bob Loblaw.
Michael Bluth: You know what you do? You go buy yourself a tape recorder and record yourself for a whole day. You might be surprised at some of your phrasing.
Tobias Fünke: Butterscotch. Wanna lick?
Narrator: Buster had attempted to flee to Mexico, but instead, he wound up in Santa Ana, California, a town six miles inland from his own. The two cities were so close that they shared a newspaper. Unfortunately, due to the car fumes and high temperatures, Buster could not tell the difference.
Narrator: Each year, Oscar attempts the four hundred mile walk from Newport Beach to Berkeley, California. In the twelve years that he's attempted this, he's never made it farther than UC Irvine.
Buster: [Buster discovers that Lucille and Oscar are making love in his hand chair] Make love in your *own* hand, Mother.
Tobias Fünke: I just found out that my cellular telephone was a lemon. It didn't work.
Lucille: [upon discovering Lupe in bed with Buster]
Lucille: And yet you're too busy to polish the candlesticks? You're fired.
Buster: You can't fire me, I'm your son. I'm firing you.
Lucille: I was firing Lupe.
Buster: O-oh, that makes more sense.
Tobias Fünke: Hey, who wants to take me to the hospital?
Lucille: She's trying to prove that she's closer to my children than I am, but the joke's on her, because she doesn't know how little I care for GOB.
Michael: I think that makes the joke on GOB.
Lucille: Start the bidding at $10,000. If the bidding increases, shout out something like "I get her 364 days a year for free.".
Michael: I'm not going to say that.
George Sr.: Soak the puppet's mouth with ether, and have Franklin give Lucille a kiss to knock her out.
Gob: [as Franklin] I ain't kissin' that ol' bitch.
George Sr.: [starts to choke Franklin] That's my wife, you bastard.
Gob: Dad, that's my wrist.
[as George Sr. chokes Gob]
Gob: Hey, that's his neck.
Narrator: [as Tobias prepares himself] Tobias had recently auditioned for a role as a member of the silent performance trio, the Blue Man Group.
Tobias Fünke: And this is "Kids", from "Bye, Bye, Birdie".
[piano cues up the song]
Narrator: He had yet to hear back from them.
Gob: Ok, ok, ok. So should, should, should, should, should, shhhhshsh, should, should...
Michael: Well, do it your way, I'm just here to have fun.
Gob: Not too much fun, all right? I already gave my big sexual harassment speech today.
Gob: [subtitle: earlier that day... ]
[Gob talking to Bluth employees about sexual harassment]
Gob: Please refrain from discussing or engaging in any sort of inter-office
Gob: ing, or
Gob: ing, or finger
Gob: , or
Gob: sting, or
Gob: esting or
Gob: eing or even
Gob: . Even though so many people in this office are begging for it. And if anybody does anything with my sister Lindsay, I'll take off my pants, I'll
Gob: , and I'll personally
[really long bleep]
Tobias Fünke: [background] Uh-oh. I should not have picked at that. That's blood.
Michael: Gob, I'm going to need you to sneak Mom out of rehab.
Gob: Gee, I didn't think the woman I'd be checking out at Spring Break would be Mom.
Buster: She's better than the whores you date.
Gob: Don't call my escorts whores.
Buster: Mom's still got it.
Gob: I don't date whores.
Lindsay Funke: Stop it, both of you. This objectification of women has got to stop.
Michael: It's just Mom and whores.
Buster: Oh, my God, she's after our money.
Michael: No, we don't have any money.
Buster: Oh, my God, she's already taken our money.
Michael: Why haven't you talked to my brother, the new President of the company?
Wayne Jarvis: We did earlier. He claims to know nothing.
Michael: Well, that's not an act. He twice tried to heat up a Ding-Dong in a microwave while it was still in its tinfoil.
Wayne Jarvis: Twice?
Michael: Two times.
Buster: Hey, I just came to tell you that I can't do that wall.
Drill Instructor: There's no time for that. We're shipping out without you. Haven't you heard?
[hands Buster military files]
Buster: Weapons of Mass Destruction?
Gob: Those bastards.
Drill Instructor: I did not say that.
Gob: Are you going to allow that, Buster? Are you going to allow your children, and your children's children, and any children that I might have out there to live in fear for the rest of their lives?
[advances to the wall]
Gob: Climb that wall, homo.
Drill Instructor: Go get 'em.
Narrator: [as Buster climbs the wall] Buster got the encouragement he needed, and just when it seemed there wouldn't be any surprises...
[Gob punches Buster as he jumps to the other side]
Narrator: ... it did.
Gob: Now, when you do this without getting punched, you'll have more fun.
Steve Holt: Your mom seems pretty cool.
Maebe: That's not my mom.
Steve Holt: ...but she said you were her daughter.
Maebe: His daughter. It's my dad.
Steve Holt: That's a dude?
Maebe: And the worst part is? He thinks he's passing.
Gob: Well, I'm not the president, so I dont deserve a fancy phone.
Tobias Fünke: Well, the Blue Man Group may need me, and I *do* deserve a fancy phone.
Narrator: They didn't.
[Tobias flips his phone across the room]
Narrator: And he doesn't.
Gob: I'm an ideas man Michael. I think I proved that with "Fuck Mountain".
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth: [walks in on George-Michael kissing his cousin, Maeby] Dad's going to be crushed.
George Michael Bluth: [nervously] You don't have to tell him!
George Michael: Yeah, Ann loves eggs. Sometimes, she puts mayonnaise in her mouth, then she puts the egg in there and does this
[Imitates pushing an egg around in his mouth]
George Michael: She calls it a "mayonegg!"
George Michael: [pause]
George Michael: Are you ok?
Michael: Yeah, I don't feel so good.
Narrator: [Rita enters the house, the family freezes] Michael was concerned that he was caught in a lie about his family. The family was concerned that they were being confronted by a woman they had clubbed, drugged, and left on a bench.
Michael Bluth: I need you to do something to my mom that I cannot do. Maybe some Afternoon Delight.
Oscar: Ah. Now the question is, how do I get it in her?
Narrator: Oscar thought that Michael was referring to a particular brand of cannibus called "Afternoon Delight". It was known for the ability to slow down reflexes.
Michael Bluth: I don't want any details...
Oscar: Maybe I'll put it in her brownie...
Michael Bluth: Hey.
Mae 'Maebe' Funke: I'm going to start acting like a kid now.
George Michael Bluth: [after hearing that Steve Holt and Lindsay have a lunch date] Steve Holt? I thought you liked him.
Maebe: I do, I'm crazy about him. He only talks to her because he thinks she has a penis. Oh, I told him that she was a tranny.
Michael Bluth: Look, you can't risk leaving the attic any more.
George Sr.: When have you seen me outside?
Michael Bluth: Yesterday at the Ford Dealer.
George Sr.: Yeah, well, have you seen those new Mustangs? I'm telling you - you could hump the hood.
Lindsay Funke: You'll never be able to pull this off, Michael. You're the good guy. This isnt you.
Michael: It's me now, Lindsay. It's the me that can recline.
[he leans back and hits his head on the railing]
Lindsay Funke: Did that hurt?
Michael: I thought I got rid of GOB, but Dad puts him right back in the business.
Lindsay Funke: You two have always fought. In fact, I think I have a video of that.
Michael: You and half of Orange County.
Narrator: As children, George Sr. would often provoke the boys to fight each other. He thought it would equip them for the challenges of life. He also believed that footage of the boys fighting would be a big hit in the burgeoning home-video market. He soon franchised the concept with such titles as "Boyfights 2", "A Boyfights Cookout", and "Backseat Boyfights: The Trip To Uncle Jack's 70".
Oscar: [Oscar grabs onto the dashboard] The car.
George Sr.: [Passing by George Sr] Up yours Granny.
Lucille: You couldn't handle it.
Buster: I have an idea. It is time I used something I trained for in Army, but I never got a chance to do.
[he prepares to zipline to a balcony where George Michael and Lucille are]
Michael: Buster, you can't zip-line over there.
Buster: Either I zip down, or he zips up, and that is a mighty long zipper on Mother's Cher jumpsuit. You have to get on your knees to start it.
Michael: This is much less scary. Godspeed, Buster.
Lindsay Funke: [discussing Michael's dislike of George Michael's girlfriend] You know, maybe if you stopped judging her, he'd trust you. Look, if you say no, you're just going to drive him right to her.
George Michael Bluth: Hey, Dad, can you drive me to Ann's?
Michael: Nnnn... Y-Y-Y-Y-Yes.
George Michael Bluth: Great. I'll wait in the car.
Michael: I don't think that worked.
Tony Wonder: [to someone off the screen] How many times have I told you to move that fucking sofa? And clean the dumwaiter while you're at it.
Lindsay Funke: Dr. Funke's 100% Natural Good Time Family Band solution was a nightmare.
Michael: Tobias said it was some of the most fun your family has ever had.
Lindsay Funke: Yeah, well, I was whacked on Xanotab.
Michael: Well I thought Xanotab was supposed to make everything better.
Lindsay Funke: For fifteen minutes. Then it burns when you pee and your marriage goes to hell. It's not a good supplement. Besides, Maebe wont do it.
Mae 'Maebe' Funke: Let's do it. I want to reunite the band. That was some of the best times we've ever had.
Michael: Oh sure, Lindsay. You're a much better parent - no borders, no limits, oh go ahead, touch the Cornballer...
Tobias Fünke: [Tobias has been trying out for the Blue Man Group] Bad news, Michael, I am afraid that I am no longer an understudy for the Blue Man Group. It seems that we have parted ways.
Michael: [reading an official-looking letter] "Cease and decist... "
Tobias Fünke: Apparently, they dont like competition.
[shows a magazine ad with Tobias that says "Want a Blue Man For Less Green?"]
[Lindsay commenting on her stance against circumcision]
Lindsay Funke: I think it's frightening when it's cut off. It's like a Doberman - let it have its ears.
[after being declined entrance in to a high end restaurant]
Lindsay Funke: Let's just go, I've suddenly lost my appetite.
Lucille Bluth: Oh, who's gonna believe that?
Armless man: Oh, my God. My arm.
Michael: Oh, my God, this guy's arm.
Lindsay Funke: [reading from Jessie's smear article] "Lindsay's a combative, entitled princess"? I should hire someone to kick your ass for that.
Man at Bar: You're married to Carl Weathers? Shit.
Wife of Gob: I'm in love with your brother-in-law.
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth: You're in love with your own brother? The one in the army?
Wife of Gob: No. Your sister's husband.
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth: Michael? Michael.
Wife of Gob: No. That's your sister's brother.
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth: No, I'm my sister's brother.You're in love with me? Me.
Wife of Gob: I'm in love with Tobias.
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth: My brother-in-law?
Wife of Gob: I know it can never be, so I'm leaving. I'm enlisting in the army.
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth: To be with your brother?
Wife of Gob: No.
Michael: Where did you get that outfit?
Lindsay Funke: Mom gave it to me. I guess she wanted me to have something new. Sweet old thing.
Michael: Only two of those words describe mom, so I know you're lying to me.
Lindsay Funke: Okay fine. I bought it before we went broke. I just haven't worn it until now.
Michael: Uh huh. And the outfit yesterday?
Lindsay Funke: Old Thing gave it to me.
Lucille: [talking to the press about her husband] The media has him out to be some sort of mastermind, which believe me he's not. The man can barely work our shredder.
[Lindsay walks into the Ten Commandments and breaks her shoe]
Lucille: They're just heels, honey. They can only support so much weight.
George Sr.: [talking to the stockholders] ... And Gilligan has told me that my money will be safe in I.R.A.s.
Ira Gilligan: Sir, it's Ira.
George Sr.: Sorry, Gilligan. My money will be safe in Iras.
Michael: [seeing everyone lying around on couches] Okay, is there a carbon monoxide leak in this house?
Michael: Hi, there.
Gob: What's she doing here?
Maebe: Merry Christmas to you too, Uncle Gob.
Michael: Is everything okay?
Gob: I just don't want people's kids getting their sticky little fingers all over these $2,600 pants.
Michael: You think they're going to go right for the pants?
Steve Holt: [reading the cast list for Tobais's play] STEVE HOLT.
Maebe: STEVE HOLT.
George Michael Bluth: I'm a stand-in for...
Steve Holt: [interrupting] STEVE HOLT.
George Michael Bluth: What's with Steve Holt and your mom?
Maebe: Oh, I gave him the impression that she was a tranny.
Steve Holt: [Tobias casts Steve in a female role in the school play] BEATRIX.
Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, Barry receives a sign from God.
Barry Zuckerkorn: [Seeing a replica of the Ten Commandments on top of his car] I will obey your will, I will lead a good life.
[Sees a parking ticket on his car]
Barry Zuckerkorn: Well, to hell with this then.
Lucille Bluth: You'd think a man locked up in prison would able to abstain. Your father with his disgusting tweaking. I couldn't breast feed any of you kids because of that man.
Barry Zuckerkorn: They still look fabulous.
George Sr.: [pleading his case to the Mexican police] Wait a minute, I'm not Oscar, I'm George.
Prison guard: The Cornballer.
George Sr.: Si, si, the cornballer.
[the Mexican guards show George Sr. their scarred arms from using the Cornballer]
Narrator: George Sr. had been marketing a device called "The Cornballer" in Mexico after the severe burns it caused led to it being banned in the U.S.
[footage of George Sr. strangling Richard Simmons]
Michael Bluth: That's why people don't typically cook in these things or install them in attics. Besides, you made me look very foolish in front of Sally Sitwell.
George Sr.: Did you stick it to her?
Michael Bluth: No. You screwed that up just like you screwed up this hot tub.
Tobias Fünke: I can picture the look on Lindsay's face right now. "Where's Tobias?". Oh, he's just on a weekend getaway with Michael Bluth and they're dipping each other in... hey, you didn't get any body chocolate.
Lucille: Oscar says that this walk, "Recharges his chi." I call it, "An excuse for him to score more pot and wave his ass at the co-eds".
Tobias Fünke: [Tobias is working as a waiter] I need to go take down the buffet and set up the leather pony.
Michael Bluth: What's the leather pony?
Tobias Fünke: I don't know, we don't have that at lunch.
Tobias Fünke: If this scene I recreate, perhaps I can resnare my mate...
Narrator: Why wouldn't she take him back?
George Sr.: The Brits set me up. I heard nothing about Iraq.
Michael: Dad, we have a picture of you and Saddam Hussein.
[picture of George Sr. shaking hands with Saddam Hussein. Caption says "Bluth-Hussen Meeting 1998." ]
George Sr.: I thought he was the Soup Nazi. I was just congratulating him on a great job.