Turk: J.D., this is an intervention. First off, I just want to say everyone here loves you, this is a safe space. But you're such a committ-a-phobe! Every time you date a girl with potential you wind up ruining it over some trivial reason. Let's think about some of the great girls you let slip through your fingers: Kylie, Jaime, Gift Shop Girl, Minnie McSkinny, Mole Butt, Tina Two-Kids, Rumplefugly... I'm forgetting someone...
Carla: [narrating] Oh, my God, Turk... if you forget Elliot she's gonna cry.
[out loud, while nodding towards Elliot who's starting to moan]
Carla: Turk, aren't you forgetting the greatest girl of them all?...
Turk: [snapping his fingers] Heidi Horse-Face!
Elliot: [almost crying] Me, Turk... she's talking about me, OK?
J.D.: Relax, Elliot... you're Mole Butt.
Elliot: [moved] Really? Sorry, Turk...
Carla: J.D., there's somebody else here who wants to say something...
Billy Dee Williams: Don't mess this up, man... be smooth.
Turk: Lando's right.
Billy Dee Williams: Billy Dee!
Turk: [mouthing] Lando...
Dr. Cox: Joanna, now I'm not much for this sensitive crap... but, darn it all, you've found someone who's willing to let you annoy them instead of me.
Elliot: Don't screw this up, J.D., or you'll just gonna end up where you always do: lying on that couch in a fetal position wishing you hadn't driven another one away.
Dr. Cox: If Jordan were conscious, she'd... she'd agree
[Jordan sits unconscious on the couch; she has a fake arrow through her head]
Dr. Cox: Oh, now, who put that fake arrow through her head? Eh? Which one of you?... It was me... I did it...
Dr. Cox: Weeeeell, look what we have here: it is a visual representation of how alcohol affects people of different ages. We have the young...
Julie Quinn: [brightly] Morning!
Dr. Cox: [moving to Elliot] ... the slightly older...
Elliot: [clearly hungover] Please stop talking.
Dr. Cox: [moving to Carla] ... the slightly older still...
Carla: [mumbles incoherently]
Dr. Cox: [moving to Jordan, who is wearing dark sunglasses and not moving] ... and last, the very, very, VERY old. She is unconscious and virtually unwakeable. Witness.
[he grabs Jordan's shoulders and shakes her]
Dr. Cox: Jorda-roo! Jorda-licious! Jorda-roni!
[Jordan doesn't react]
Dr. Cox: Uh-huh.
J.D.: Ha! I'll get you ladies some more coffee. Jordan, if you're willing to pay for it, just sit there frozen.
J.D.: How very generous.
[he reaches into Jordan's purse and takes out her credit card]
Julie Quinn: That's so funny!
J.D.: [forcing a smile] Yeah...
Turk: [being introduced to Julie's godfather, Billy Dee Williams] Lando Calrissian!
Billy Dee Williams: Call me Billy Dee.
Turk: Yes, Lando.
Carla: Hey Turk, guess what?
Turk: She's not a guy honey. And besides Young Carla is a compliment
Carla: Really? So how would you feel if I'd say hey it's skinny Turk
Turk: So, when am I gonna get to meet Julie?
J.D.: Do I want her to meet Turk this soon? What if he doesn't like her?
Turk: What are you doing?
J.D.: I'm saying all my thoughts out loud so that I don't mess this relationship up
Turk: I don't understand
J.D.: I forgot, sometimes Turk is slow. You know what? It's time for her to meet the people in my life. I think she's gonna do great
Julie Quinn: Did you know, J.D's parents thought he was gonna be a girl. They didn't have a name ready when he was born, so until he was 3 years old they called him Joana
Dr. Cox: I don't know who you are, but thank you for this
Jordan: Could we go somewhere less collage-y? One of the boys here could be the baby I gave up in high school
Dr. Cox: Joana, now i'm not much for this sensitive crap but darn now you finally found someone who is willing to let you annoy them instead of me.
Dr. Kelso: I have it on good authority that she's a dude.
Carla: I made that stuff up.
Dr. Kelso: In that case, it's time for her to meet Bob Kelso, licensed hetero!
Elliot: Why is Julie behind that bush crying?
J.D.: Who knows? Could be anything! You know what's interesting Turk, she's not saying that's so sad. She's actually crying
Turk: You're an Idiot
J.D.: Yes I am
Julie Quinn: That's so funny! That's so funny! Look how big that pancake is that's so funny
J.D.: [whispering at Turk] Make-her-stop
Turk: If you found someone to make you happy by just sitting around and holding hands, then eventually all the other stuff won't matter
Dr. Kelso: People think I'm a clueless old geezer but nothing happens in this hallways without passing by me
J.D.: You used to be afraid of commitment, too. Then somehow you got over it and now you're married.
Turk: That's because I was never as bad as you.
J.D.: Oh, really? Remember Whitney "The Snapper"?
[flashback to Turk in college dorm room with attractive girl]
Turk: Thanks for paying for dinner.
Whitney: And for dessert, you're gonna get a little Whitney
Turk: [makes horrified face] Get out.