Johnny Quid:
[
Archie has Johnnie Quid by his lapels and backed up against the wall] Don't hurt me Arch... I'm only little!
[
first lines]
Archie:
People ask the question... what's a RocknRolla? And I tell 'em - it's not about drums, drugs, and hospital drips, oh no. There's more there than that, my friend. We all like a bit of the good life - some the money, some the drugs, other the sex game, the glamour, or the fame. But a RocknRolla, oh, he's different. Why? Because a real RocknRolla wants the fucking lot.
One Two:
You dirty bastard.
One Two:
Well what do you want?
Stella:
You.
One Two:
Well you had better come in then.
Johnny Quid:
I'm dead Pete. Dead people don't like company.
Archie:
If a slap don't work, you cut 'em or you pay 'em, but you keep your receipts, cos this ain't the Mafia.
Lenny Cole:
[
wearing a hat, suit, and glasses] What d'you think we are? Gangsters?
Johnny Quid:
Don't worry. He can't defend himself - he's got no head.
Lenny Cole:
He tried to poison me, that dirty Cossack!
Lenny Cole:
Archie, slap him, send him to school, 'cause I can't take no more of this.
One Two:
Nice shoes by the way.
Stella:
Thank you. You will be able to afford a pair of your own in a couple of days.
Lenny Cole:
I thought you lot drink vodka.
Uri:
Whisky is the new vodka.
Lenny Cole:
I thought you'd join me.
Uri:
I don't drink.
Lenny Cole:
Think before you drink before you drive me mad.
One Two:
Let's go get those papers from your boyfriend. And drop me off on the way. I'm going back to bed.
Handsome Bob:
Can I come?
[
One Two slaps him]
Mumbles:
If I could be half the human being Bob is at the cost of being a poof, I'd have to think about it. Not for very long, but I'd have to pause.
One Two:
Ok, you go pick up that letter. But drop me at home. I'm going back to bed.
Handsome Bob:
Can I come?
Johnny Quid:
You see that pack of Virginia killing sticks on the end of the piano?
Pete:
Yes.
Johnny Quid:
All you need to know about life is retained in those four walls. You will notice that one of your personalities is seduced by the illusions of grandeur - the gold packet of king size with a regal insignia, an attractive implication towards grandeur and wealth, the subtle suggestion that cigarettes are indeed your royal and loyal friends, and that, Pete, is a lie.
Johnny Quid:
Your other personality is trying to draw your attention to the flip side of the discussion, written in boring bold black and white, it's a statement that these neat little soldiers of death and in fact trying to kill you and that, Pete, is the truth.
Johnny Quid:
Oh, beauty is a beguiling call to death and i'm addicted to the sweet pitch of its siren.
Johnny Quid:
That that starts sweet ends bitter, and that which starts bitter ends sweet.
Johnny Quid:
That is why you and i love the drugs and that is also why I cannot give that painting back. now please, pass me a light.
Pete:
Oh you are something special, Mr johnny quid.
[
after seeing Lenny Cole in a wheelchair for the first time]
Johnny Quid:
Daddy! Nice wheels!
Uri:
Beauty is a cruel mistress, is it not?
One Two:
I mean, I've had showers with you, man. You've seen my fucking cock.
Johnny Quid:
It's all in the eyes. Junkies, I shit 'em.
Johnny Quid:
Why are you talking to the Pipper, Roman? You're madder than I am.
Mumbles:
Who the fuck is Sydney Shaw?
One Two:
No, Sydney Shaw is a pseudonym you idiot. They never use their real name. Look, get around here and let me have a look, okay?
Mumbles:
All right... Where did he learn a word like pseudonym?
Lenny Cole:
Look, you go see if you can find them two flash idiots that used to be his manager. What are they called, uh, Greek and Minnie.
Archie:
Roman and Mickey.
Lenny Cole:
Yeah, whatever.
[
repeated line]
Archie:
Hold on. I've got another call.
Johnny Quid:
That, Roman and Mickey, is the famous Archie Slap.
Rocker:
You've got on the hat. Why not just pull something out of it.
Mickey:
My hat is deep and full of magic. I got rabbits, handkerchiefs, and ladies of the pole drinking Black Label. I got smoke machines, bubble machines, I even got love marines, and still the hat goes deeper. All right? But there AIN'T no mothafuckin' dry ice.
Rocker:
Okay. You made your point. But tomorrow, might be quite nice to have some dry ice.
Lenny Cole:
There's no school like old school, and I'm the fucking headmaster.
One Two:
I've got one just like that at home, but with a little boy fishing.
Stella:
Is that what they call humor where you're from?
One Two:
Is that what they call art where you're from?
Archie:
Oi, Jackie! Fancy a little run around with the Councilor?
Jackie:
Only if he's wicked.
Councillor:
What's she mean by that?
Johnny Quid:
Did he ever interfere with you? You know, touch you inappropriately?
Pete:
He tickled me, if that's what you mean.
Johnny Quid:
You see in psychological circles there's a technical term for that scenario.
Pete:
There is?
Johnny Quid:
Monsteroustickalotis.
Pete:
You what?
Johnny Quid:
Your dad was a tickling monster.
Roman:
Uh, can we help you?
Lenny Cole:
You've got an act called "The Quid Lickers".
Roman:
We did, yeah.
Lenny Cole:
Hmm... And there's a singer called "Johnny Quid".
Roman:
There was.
Lenny Cole:
Well, I'd like to see Mr. Quid.
Roman:
I'd like to see him too, but uh that's gonna be a little tricky because according to the papers, the only songs Mr. Quid's gonna be singing are hymns
Lenny Cole:
And I shed a tear. I shed a tear for all those bone-tops that read the papers and believe that shit. But did you see his body? Did you see him smacked-up and cracked-up with his tongue on his chin and his cock in his hand, swinging from the rafters like a real RocknRolla? No, you didn't, did you? And nobody else fucking did either, did they? Because he ain't dead. He's alive, alive-o somewhere selling cockles and mussels and a very important painting that doesn't belong to him.
Johnny Quid:
Come on then boy. I'll have you and your girlfriends. I'll do the lot of youse! Do I not look like a pothouse? Six foot down the bar, go on, jog on, walk on, goodbye, bon voyage, fuck off.
Archie:
...and he'll be in there like swimwear.
Archie:
Bandy, you ever ask a stupid question like that again, see Danny there? He's gonna slap you.
Bandy:
Sorry Arch, I was, I was just trying to use initiative.
Archie:
Danny, slap him.
Danny:
[
slaps Bandy]
Archie:
With the right Danny, properly.
Danny:
[
slaps Bandy]
Archie:
No, no, no, NO. Come on, do it properly with the back of the right hand.
Danny:
What is this, a tennis match, Arch?
Cookie:
Have you ever bought a ticket to the Junkie's Boneyard, Roman. It's an unpleasent place, called "Curl up and die". Might sound like a hair salon, but it don't fucking look like one, I could tell ya. It's a terrible sight, and a horrible sound listening to a man,
[
sucking noise]
Cookie:
, suck in his soul through the hole in the pipe. It's even worse when he tries to tear it back. I've been there, and I've done that.
Cookie:
And then I nailed that Demon in a smoke proof coffin, and I did it all with Johnny. I love that man, he's what you call class. And if you had any fucking brains, Roman, you'd love him too. You know his music sales have gone up 1000% in two weeks. You see, Johnny the crackhead, knows that a rocker is worth more dead than alive, silly world isn't it? Mr. Quid does not get his gear from me, he has to travel, far and wide. But do leave me a number, and if, the dead, feels like calling, you'll be the first to know.
Uri:
They say there are only two days you enjoy a boat; the day you buy it and the day you sell it.
One Two:
Come on, Bobby boy, cheer up.
Handsome Bob:
What have I got to cheer up about? I'll be locked up in an 8-by-10 tomorrow night.
One Two:
Bob, that's tomorrow night, okay? So tonight is take off time. And we have got a party planned for you, my man. We got a couple of grams of hurry up and four Jack the Rippers. We've got the Harris twins. Probably the most expensive escort girls ever to have escorted. Got the night off from the Russians and they have been greased down just for the Bobski.
[
Handsome Bob rubs his eyes, still seems stressed]
One Two:
Okay, well, I see that cheered you up.
Handsome Bob:
It's not that I'm not grateful, it's just...
One Two:
What? It's just what?
Handsome Bob:
You wouldn't understand.
One Two:
Come on, Bobby boy, that's not fair. I'd understand anything coming from you.
Handsome Bob:
[
Handsome Bob surveys him] Would you?
One Two:
Bob, you're my best mate.
Handsome Bob:
[
Handsome Bob thinks about it for a moment] You see, I don't want the stripper, One Two.
One Two:
[
One Two nods] Okay.
Handsome Bob:
I want you.
One Two:
[
One Two chuckles, but Handsome Bob remains serious. Tires screech. Car comes to an abrupt stop] Dirty Bastard.
[
One two leaves the car, walks around]
One Two:
You dirty bastard! Bob, I know all your girlfriends, all of them.
Handsome Bob:
I told you, you wouldn't understand.
One Two:
What, I wouldn't understand that you're a fucking homo? You're Handsome Bob. You're Handsome Bob, the fucking lady-killer, that's who you are. Do you hear me, Bob? I mean, I've had showers with you, man. You've seen my fucking cock.
Handsome Bob:
I should have just kept my mouth shut.
One Two:
Yeah you're right, you should have kept your mouth shut!
[
Handsome Bob buries his face in his hands]
One Two:
We should've just gone and done the strippers like Handsome Bob would've done. You should just drown the cat instead of letting it out. No, no, not you. Not fag Bob.
Handsome Bob:
[
Handsome Bob still has his head buried in his hands. One Two enters the car] I am so sorry.
One Two:
Well, I'm sorry.
Handsome Bob:
No, I'm sorry.
One Two:
No, I'm sorry.
Handsome Bob:
No, no, I'm sorry.
One Two:
No, I'm fucking sorry, Bob, all right? I went over the top a bit. And it was a bit of a fucking surprise, Bob. It was a big of broadside.
Handsome Bob:
It's fine, it's fine. Five years, you know, I don't know if I can handle it.
One Two:
I don't know what I was thinking, Bob. I mean, there's nothing wrong with being a poof or being a gay, or whatever it is you call it, I don't know. I mean, there's gonna be plenty of your lot in there. You'll probably love it.
[
Bob buries his hands again, groaning, says "Oh God"]
One Two:
What -? What exactly is it that you...? That you want to do to me, then, Bob?
Pete:
My dad used to make me watch Bonanza every Sunday after church.
Johnny Quid:
Well, that's got to have done some damage. All those guns, nuns, and cowboys.
Pete:
You think?... It wasn't all bad. He sometimes made me laugh, too.
Old Man at Bar:
[
Johnny Quid takes Old Man's drink and swigs] Oi, that's my drink.
Johnny Quid:
Fuck you, sing-along.
[
Johnny Quid gives the Old Man the finger]
Pete:
You're no help, and stop calling me Pedro.
[
Old Man grabs bottle to fight]
Johnny Quid:
[
Johnny Quid turns to face him, crazy-eyed] Come on then, boy. I'll have you and your girlfriends. I'll do the lot of yas.
[
Johnny Quid points blade at the Old Man]
Johnny Quid:
Do I not look like a pothouse? Six foot down the bar. Go on, jog on, walk on, goodbye, bon voyage, fuck off.
[
Group of old men turn away]
Johnny Quid:
Was I good or what, Pete?
Pete:
Yeah.
Johnny Quid:
It's all in the eyes. Junkies, I shit them.
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