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Carl Jackson's the Jesus Freak (2017)

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Cast

Credited cast:
Darius Alexander ...
Roulette Dealer
...
Vegas Patron
Nzuri Za Austin ...
Vegas Patron
Timothy Aydelott ...
Youth Pastor John Jacobson
Marissa Bell ...
Vegas Patron
Carolina Bradley ...
Diamond
Theo Bray ...
Vegas Patron
Crystal Cameron ...
Kirsten Cooper
...
Cocktail Waitress
...
Bridesmaid
Ron Clemons ...
Vegas Patron
Dalon Collins ...
Darren
Alfonso Davis ...
Security Guard
...
Bridesmaid Rhonda
...
Tonya's Boyfriend
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Release Date:

25 August 2017 (USA)  »

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$4,000,000 (estimated)
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User Reviews

 
Carl Jackson, just Why? Carl Jackson? Do you hate your fellow man this much?
30 August 2017 | by (United States) – See all my reviews

Carl Jackson, I was subjected to your idea of what a "movie" is including the 9-minute "short" about "Black Woman LA" (I paraphrase since it was the only thing in "Carl Jackson's Jesus Freak" that didn't have your name on it) that quite simply was the softening up one-two round to make me want to find the nearest bus to throw myself in front of as soon as possible.

However, possibly, I am getting ahead of myself. I'll take the full experience of "Carl Jackson's Jesus Freak" in detail until the 20 minutes into the "movie" before I left with blood dripping from my eyes. I just hope I will heal someday. Some things just cannot be unseen.

I went to see this last night (August 29, 2017) at the Cinema Village in NYC. It was after a lovely sushi dinner with an even lovelier date. Entering the COMPLETELY EMPTY THEATER where the crime against movie-going-kind was first perpetrated. The fact that NO ONE ELSE came to see this "movie" should have been my first clue. The fact that half the cast didn't put their photo on the IMDb page or that there were no other reviews or that (apparently as I learned fleeing from this "movie" 20 minutes in) no one came to the "Q&A Night" the prior week when Carl Jackson himself came to the same theater, should have been clues as to what constitutes a "movie" to Carl Jackson.

Carl Jackson (I find myself thinking of your name now as only an epithet, sorry you made this "movie" you deserve what you wrought on us), did you know that EVERY SINGLE credit doesn't need to have your name on it?

The title of your "movie" will forever be a swear word in my vocabulary. I'm glad you saw fit to put your name in the title. After all, then, no one else can be blamed for this (words escape me, "bad" just doesn't do it justice) atrocity.

Did you want to make a "movie" no one would come see? Was this a tax vehicle where you had to lose everything you made on it a la "The Producers"? Blaming the actors would be like blaming the passengers on the Titanic for its striking the iceberg and sinking. There was nothing that resembled what a movie should be in this "movie". Did you mean to make it look like the "movie" was shot with your mom's HD camera? It's sort of like saying to someone about to uncover Limburger cheese that it will just be a smell that is unbearable. At least with Limburger, the taste has some redeeming values. The same cannot be said of this "movie". This "movie" not only had a distinctively smelly wrapper, but it had the core of what can only be described as rotting horse meat after it has been passed through the entrails of a vulture who itself had been devoured and then passed through the entrails of a larger animal. And, that would still not be putting it strongly enough.

Does anyone remember the scenes from "A Clockwork Orange" where the main character is forced to watch grotesque movies as part of his reconditioning? I feel like I was him. Except in my case, I paid to see this (again, bad just doesn't do this "movie" justice, although I found myself uttering it repeatedly while running screaming from the theater over-and-over again) excrement.

This "movie" is like that challenge that all of us had when we were children to eat something on a double-triple-dog-dare and we did and we woke for decades afterward to horrible food phobias that it would come to haunt us.

"Carl Jackson's Jesus Freak" is a crime against gods and men alike.

For anyone familiar with The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and the awfulness that is Vogon poetry. We have now found a new standard in (sorry, I can't defame the word "bad", it didn't do anything wrong) utter drivel.

If I thought I had seen bad movies, you, Carl Jackson, have now shown me what to compare them to forever. I will forever have on my lips, "at least this wasn't as bad as "Carl Jackson's Jesus Freak"".


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