Cinema Hell

by dsensNWN00 | created - 05 Feb 2016 | updated - 1 month ago | Public

  • the horror...


I don't mention the merely forgettable, because I have forgotten it. That's not so-bad-it's-good, but where the smile literally freezes on your face and sends shockwaves. And add practically everything "remake" (or most "sequels".) And practically all "superheroes" and most "slashers". Ah, darn, everything after the 70s. They don't make 'em like they used to. (I also don't understand the whole southkorean cinema.)

There's also a handful of very brutal pictures, I simply will not watch, but they would in all likelihood end up here.

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1. DC 9/11: Time of Crisis (2003 TV Movie)

R | 128 min | Drama, History

This is the story of the days directly after 9/11, and the president's whereabouts.

Director: Brian Trenchard-Smith | Stars: Timothy Bottoms, John Cunningham, David Fonteno, Gregory Itzin

Votes: 841

  • imagine the perfect object.
Imagine the exact opposite of Fahrenheit 9/11 and you come fairly close. I guess they're in-on-the-joke. Must be. I'd rather burn in hell than watch this to the end. Lord give me strength never to watch the rest of this. Would technically classify as a superhero movie.

(get familiar with the work of the director and you might come ...to a... completely...new ...understanding.)

2. Top Gun (1986)

PG | 110 min | Action, Drama

50 Metascore

As students at the United States Navy's elite fighter weapons school compete to be best in the class, one daring young pilot learns a few things from a civilian instructor that are not taught in the classroom.

Director: Tony Scott | Stars: Tom Cruise, Tim Robbins, Kelly McGillis, Val Kilmer

Votes: 260,945 | Gross: $179.80M

  • damn near unwatchable. Oh so wrong on oh so many levels. If you get allergic reactions after the 5th shower scene (or whatever war this might be?), watch decent left-winger fantasies like Milius' "Red Dawn", Siegel's "Dirty Harry" or "Starship Troopers" instead. They were in-on-the-joke all along. This was never meant to be taken serious.

3. Eden Lake (2008)

R | 91 min | Horror, Thriller

65 Metascore

Refusing to let anything spoil their romantic weekend break, a young couple confront a gang of loutish youths with terrifyingly brutal consequences.

Director: James Watkins | Stars: Kelly Reilly, Michael Fassbender, Tara Ellis, Jack O'Connell

Votes: 69,891 | Gross: $0.01M

  • unnecessary.

4. Armageddon (1998)

PG-13 | 151 min | Action, Adventure, Sci-Fi

42 Metascore

After discovering that an asteroid the size of Texas is going to impact Earth in less than a month, N.A.S.A. recruits a misfit team of deep core drillers to save the planet.

Director: Michael Bay | Stars: Bruce Willis, Billy Bob Thornton, Ben Affleck, Liv Tyler

Votes: 370,029 | Gross: $201.57M

  • the only movie I ever walked out of the cinema.

5. Devil's Pass (2013)

R | 100 min | Horror, Mystery, Sci-Fi

49 Metascore

A group of 5 students go the location of the infamous "dyatlov pass incident", to make a documentary but things take a turn for the worse to reveal the secrets as to what happened there.

Director: Renny Harlin | Stars: Holly Goss, Matt Stokoe, Luke Albright, Ryan Hawley

Votes: 20,715

  • positively insulting.

6. Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close (2011)

PG-13 | 129 min | Adventure, Drama, Mystery

46 Metascore

A nine-year-old amateur inventor, Francophile, and pacifist searches New York City for the lock that matches a mysterious key left behind by his father, who died in the World Trade Center on September 11, 2001.

Director: Stephen Daldry | Stars: Thomas Horn, Tom Hanks, Sandra Bullock, Max von Sydow

Votes: 93,068 | Gross: $31.85M

  • horrible.

7. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008)

PG-13 | 122 min | Action, Adventure

65 Metascore

In 1957, archaeologist and adventurer Dr. Henry "Indiana" Jones, Jr. (Harrison Ford) is called back into action and becomes entangled in a Soviet plot to uncover the secret behind mysterious artifacts known as the Crystal Skulls.

Director: Steven Spielberg | Stars: Harrison Ford, Cate Blanchett, Shia LaBeouf, Karen Allen

Votes: 392,060 | Gross: $317.10M

  • awful.

8. Independence Day (1996)

PG-13 | 145 min | Action, Adventure, Sci-Fi

59 Metascore

The aliens are coming and their goal is to invade and destroy Earth. Fighting superior technology, mankind's best weapon is the will to survive.

Director: Roland Emmerich | Stars: Will Smith, Bill Pullman, Jeff Goldblum, Mary McDonnell

Votes: 494,325 | Gross: $306.17M

  • horrid.

9. Jurassic Park (1993)

PG-13 | 127 min | Adventure, Sci-Fi, Thriller

68 Metascore

During a preview tour, a theme park suffers a major power breakdown that allows its cloned dinosaur exhibits to run amok.

Director: Steven Spielberg | Stars: Sam Neill, Laura Dern, Jeff Goldblum, Richard Attenborough

Votes: 780,994 | Gross: $402.45M

  • painful. Yeah ok, it did some good to the cause of the dinosaurs.

10. Hobo with a Shotgun (2011)

Not Rated | 86 min | Action, Comedy, Horror

55 Metascore

A homeless vigilante blows away crooked cops, pedophile Santas, and other scumbags with his trusty pump-action shotgun.

Director: Jason Eisener | Stars: Rutger Hauer, Pasha Ebrahimi, Robb Wells, Brian Downey

Votes: 41,577 | Gross: $0.70M

  • disappointing.

11. Dementia 13 (1963)

Unrated | 75 min | Horror, Thriller

A scheming widow hatches a daring plan to get her hands on her late husband's inheritance, unbeknownst to her that she is targeted by an axe-wielding murderer who lurks within the family's estate.

Director: Francis Ford Coppola | Stars: William Campbell, Luana Anders, Bart Patton, Mary Mitchel

Votes: 6,290

  • mindnumbingly boring and utterly incomprehensible.

12. Inside (2007)

R | 82 min | Horror

Four months after the death of her husband, a woman on the brink of motherhood is tormented in her home by a strange woman who wants her unborn baby.

Directors: Alexandre Bustillo, Julien Maury | Stars: Alysson Paradis, Jean-Baptiste Tabourin, Claude Lulé, Dominique Frot

Votes: 34,412

  • no. just 'no'.

13. Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back (1980)

PG | 124 min | Action, Adventure, Fantasy

82 Metascore

After the Rebels are brutally overpowered by the Empire on the ice planet Hoth, Luke Skywalker begins Jedi training with Yoda, while his friends are pursued by Darth Vader.

Director: Irvin Kershner | Stars: Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, Billy Dee Williams

Votes: 1,049,034 | Gross: $290.48M

  • godawful.

14. King Kong (2005)

PG-13 | 187 min | Action, Adventure, Drama

81 Metascore

In 1933 New York, an overly ambitious movie producer coerces his cast and hired ship crew to travel to the mysterious Skull Island, where they encounter Kong, a giant ape who is immediately smitten with leading lady Ann Darrow.

Director: Peter Jackson | Stars: Naomi Watts, Jack Black, Adrien Brody, Thomas Kretschmann

Votes: 365,985 | Gross: $218.08M

  • I won't watch a big hairy CGI ape running through the jungle for 45 minutes. I simply won't.

15. Avatar (2009)

PG-13 | 162 min | Action, Adventure, Fantasy

83 Metascore

A paraplegic Marine dispatched to the moon Pandora on a unique mission becomes torn between following his orders and protecting the world he feels is his home.

Director: James Cameron | Stars: Sam Worthington, Zoe Saldana, Sigourney Weaver, Michelle Rodriguez

Votes: 1,042,308 | Gross: $760.51M

  • I'd rather not. After 40 minutes I've had enough.

16. Shattered (2007)

R | 95 min | Crime, Drama, Mystery

A perfect family's dynamic is ruined by a kidnapper's brutally efficient plot.

Director: Mike Barker | Stars: Pierce Brosnan, Maria Bello, Gerard Butler, Emma Karwandy

Votes: 28,781

  • this one was pretty bad.

17. Beyond the Black Rainbow (2010)

R | 110 min | Horror, Sci-Fi, Thriller

49 Metascore

Despite being under heavy sedation, a young woman tries to make her way out of the Arboria Institute, a secluded, quasifuturistic commune.

Director: Panos Cosmatos | Stars: Eva Bourne, Michael J Rogers, Scott Hylands, Rondel Reynoldson

Votes: 10,695 | Gross: $0.06M

  • count me out.

18. Harry Brown (2009)

R | 103 min | Action, Crime, Drama

55 Metascore

An elderly ex-serviceman and widower looks to avenge his best friend's murder by doling out his own form of justice.

Director: Daniel Barber | Stars: Michael Caine, Emily Mortimer, David Bradley, Charlie Creed-Miles

Votes: 80,693 | Gross: $1.82M

  • waste of talent.

19. U Be Dead (2009 TV Movie)

93 min | Drama, Thriller

A doctor and his girlfriend are stalked by a woman who claims to be in love with him. Meanwhile, the man falls in love with a younger woman. Based on a true story.

Director: Jamie Payne | Stars: David Morrissey, Alex Lowe, Tara Fitzgerald, Dearbhla Molloy

Votes: 234

  • makes u wonder what's wrong with society.

20. Possession (1981)

R | 124 min | Drama, Horror

72 Metascore

A woman starts exhibiting increasingly disturbing behavior after asking her husband for a divorce. Suspicions of infidelity soon give way to something much more sinister.

Director: Andrzej Zulawski | Stars: Isabelle Adjani, Sam Neill, Margit Carstensen, Heinz Bennent

Votes: 20,199 | Gross: $1.11M

  • overrated, and a case for the looney bin.

21. The Trial (1962)

Not Rated | 119 min | Drama, Mystery, Thriller

An unassuming office worker is arrested and stands trial, but he is never made aware of his charges.

Director: Orson Welles | Stars: Anthony Perkins, Arnoldo Foà, Jess Hahn, Billy Kearns

Votes: 17,219

  • tonally all wrong. Welles and Kafka is a match made in hell.

22. Iron Man (2008)

PG-13 | 126 min | Action, Adventure, Sci-Fi

79 Metascore

After being held captive in an Afghan cave, billionaire engineer Tony Stark creates a unique weaponized suit of armor to fight evil.

Director: Jon Favreau | Stars: Robert Downey Jr., Gwyneth Paltrow, Terrence Howard, Jeff Bridges

Votes: 860,873 | Gross: $318.41M

  • terrible.

23. The Giver (2014)

PG-13 | 97 min | Drama, Romance, Sci-Fi

47 Metascore

In a seemingly perfect community, without war, pain, suffering, differences or choice, a young boy is chosen to learn from an elderly man about the true pain and pleasure of the "real" world.

Director: Phillip Noyce | Stars: Brenton Thwaites, Jeff Bridges, Meryl Streep, Taylor Swift

Votes: 104,832 | Gross: $45.09M

  • not good.

24. World War Z (2013)

PG-13 | 116 min | Action, Adventure, Horror

63 Metascore

Former United Nations employee Gerry Lane traverses the world in a race against time to stop the Zombie pandemic that is toppling armies and governments, and threatening to destroy humanity itself.

Director: Marc Forster | Stars: Brad Pitt, Mireille Enos, Daniella Kertesz, James Badge Dale

Votes: 552,280 | Gross: $202.36M

  • average blockbuster hell.

25. Red Eye (2005)

PG-13 | 85 min | Mystery, Thriller

71 Metascore

A woman is kidnapped by a stranger on a routine flight. Threatened by the potential murder of her father, she is pulled into a plot to assist her captor in offing a politician.

Director: Wes Craven | Stars: Rachel McAdams, Cillian Murphy, Brian Cox, Laura Johnson

Votes: 105,230 | Gross: $57.89M

26. Zombieland (2009)

R | 88 min | Adventure, Comedy, Horror

73 Metascore

A shy student trying to reach his family in Ohio, a gun-toting tough guy trying to find the last Twinkie, and a pair of sisters trying to get to an amusement park join forces to travel across a zombie-filled America.

Director: Ruben Fleischer | Stars: Jesse Eisenberg, Emma Stone, Woody Harrelson, Abigail Breslin

Votes: 457,476 | Gross: $75.59M

27. The Book of Eli (2010)

R | 118 min | Action, Adventure, Drama

53 Metascore

A post-apocalyptic tale, in which a lone man fights his way across America in order to protect a sacred book that holds the secrets to saving humankind.

Directors: Albert Hughes, Allen Hughes | Stars: Denzel Washington, Mila Kunis, Ray Stevenson, Gary Oldman

Votes: 270,766 | Gross: $94.84M

28. [Rec] (2007)

R | 78 min | Horror, Mystery, Thriller

69 Metascore

A television reporter and cameraman follow emergency workers into a dark apartment building and are quickly locked inside with something terrifying.

Directors: Jaume Balagueró, Paco Plaza | Stars: Manuela Velasco, Ferran Terraza, Jorge-Yamam Serrano, Pablo Rosso

Votes: 153,025

29. Olympus Has Fallen (2013)

R | 119 min | Action, Thriller

41 Metascore

Disgraced Secret Service agent (and former presidential guard) Mike Banning finds himself trapped inside the White House in the wake of a terrorist attack; using his inside knowledge, Banning works with national security to rescue the President from his kidnappers.

Director: Antoine Fuqua | Stars: Gerard Butler, Aaron Eckhart, Morgan Freeman, Angela Bassett

Votes: 235,005 | Gross: $98.93M

30. The Descent (2005)

R | 99 min | Adventure, Horror, Thriller

71 Metascore

A caving expedition goes horribly wrong, as the explorers become trapped and ultimately pursued by a strange breed of predators.

Director: Neil Marshall | Stars: Shauna Macdonald, Natalie Mendoza, Alex Reid, Saskia Mulder

Votes: 184,335 | Gross: $26.02M

31. Underworld (2003)

R | 121 min | Action, Fantasy, Thriller

42 Metascore

Selene, a vampire warrior, is entrenched in a conflict between vampires and werewolves, while falling in love with Michael, a human who is sought by werewolves for unknown reasons.

Director: Len Wiseman | Stars: Kate Beckinsale, Scott Speedman, Shane Brolly, Michael Sheen

Votes: 239,166 | Gross: $51.97M

32. Fright Night (2011)

R | 106 min | Comedy, Horror

64 Metascore

After a new neighbor moved into the house next door, Charley discovers that he is an ancient vampire and goes in search for the help of Peter Vincent, a famous "vampire killer" to save his neighborhood from the creature.

Director: Craig Gillespie | Stars: Anton Yelchin, Colin Farrell, David Tennant, Toni Collette

Votes: 94,417 | Gross: $18.30M

  • how could you.

33. Casino Royale (2006)

PG-13 | 144 min | Action, Adventure, Thriller

80 Metascore

Armed with a license to kill, Secret Agent James Bond sets out on his first mission as 007, and must defeat a private banker to terrorists in a high stakes game of poker at Casino Royale, Montenegro, but things are not what they seem.

Director: Martin Campbell | Stars: Daniel Craig, Eva Green, Judi Dench, Jeffrey Wright

Votes: 538,562 | Gross: $167.45M

  • horrible. (and all Bonds after Dr. No). And it gets worse from there.

34. Alien³ (1992)

R | 114 min | Action, Horror, Sci-Fi

59 Metascore

After her last encounter, Ellen Ripley crash-lands on Fiorina 161, a maximum security prison. When a series of strange and deadly events occur shortly after her arrival, Ripley realizes that she has brought along an unwelcome visitor.

Director: David Fincher | Stars: Sigourney Weaver, Charles S. Dutton, Charles Dance, Paul McGann

Votes: 254,638 | Gross: $55.47M

  • I mean you can feel SOME love for Alien 3, but still it's an encyclopedia of all what's wrong with modern cinema. And it gets worse from there.

35. Society (1989)

R | 99 min | Comedy, Horror

An ordinary teenage boy discovers his family is part of a gruesome orgy cult for the social elite.

Director: Brian Yuzna | Stars: Billy Warlock, Devin DeVasquez, Evan Richards, Ben Meyerson

Votes: 11,206

  • can't really recommend it. Rather a one-note joke.

36. Liar Liar (1997)

PG-13 | 86 min | Comedy, Fantasy

70 Metascore

A fast-track lawyer can't lie for 24 hours due to his son's birthday wish after he disappoints his son for the last time.

Director: Tom Shadyac | Stars: Jim Carrey, Maura Tierney, Amanda Donohoe, Jennifer Tilly

Votes: 259,376 | Gross: $181.41M

  • catastrophic.

37. The Bay (II) (2012)

R | 84 min | Horror, Sci-Fi, Thriller

65 Metascore

Chaos breaks out in a small Maryland town after an ecological disaster occurs.

Director: Barry Levinson | Stars: Will Rogers, Kristen Connolly, Kether Donohue, Frank Deal

Votes: 23,374 | Gross: $0.03M

  • how the mighty have fallen.

38. The Fountain (2006)

PG-13 | 96 min | Drama, Sci-Fi

51 Metascore

As a modern-day scientist, Tommy is struggling with mortality, desperately searching for the medical breakthrough that will save the life of his cancer-stricken wife, Izzi.

Director: Darren Aronofsky | Stars: Hugh Jackman, Rachel Weisz, Sean Patrick Thomas, Ellen Burstyn

Votes: 216,111 | Gross: $10.14M

  • could possibly be decyphered, and is most certainly not worth it.

39. Tetsuo, the Iron Man (1989)

Not Rated | 67 min | Horror, Sci-Fi

A businessman accidentally kills The Metal Fetishist, who gets his revenge by slowly turning the man into a grotesque hybrid of flesh and rusty metal.

Director: Shin'ya Tsukamoto | Stars: Tomorô Taguchi, Kei Fujiwara, Nobu Kanaoka, Shin'ya Tsukamoto

Votes: 17,027

  • not my cup of tea. Japanese madness in all its glory.

40. Star Trek (2009)

PG-13 | 127 min | Action, Adventure, Sci-Fi

82 Metascore

The brash James T. Kirk tries to live up to his father's legacy with Mr. Spock keeping him in check as a vengeful Romulan from the future creates black holes to destroy the Federation one planet at a time.

Director: J.J. Abrams | Stars: Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto, Simon Pegg, Leonard Nimoy

Votes: 555,941 | Gross: $257.73M

  • a disgrace to all what's good and holy (up to and including ST:TNG. And larger parts of DS9).

41. It (I) (2017)

R | 135 min | Horror, Thriller

69 Metascore

In the summer of 1989, a group of bullied kids band together to destroy a shape-shifting monster, which disguises itself as a clown and preys on the children of Derry, their small Maine town.

Director: Andy Muschietti | Stars: Bill Skarsgård, Jaeden Martell, Finn Wolfhard, Sophia Lillis

Votes: 355,707 | Gross: $327.48M

  • an overwhelming dread of please-make-it stop overcame me. Around minute 10.



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