Merrily We Live (1938)
Marian Kilbourne: [Introducing the two Great Danes] How do you do? I'd like you to meet my dogs. This dog's name is "Get Off The Rug." His name is "You, Too!"
Mrs. Emily Kilbourne: Do you drive a car?
Wade Rawlins: Well, I did.
Mrs. Emily Kilbourne: Oh, but that's wonderful! Ambrose was such a poor driver, they tell me.
Marian Kilbourne: Mother, if you're thinking of asking this... this...!
Mrs. Emily Kilbourne: My mother always told me that children should be seen and not heard.
Marian Kilbourne: Yes, but your mother was smarter than my mother.
Mrs. Emily Kilbourne: [At the breakfast table] I'm so hungry. I haven't had a thing to eat since last night.
Mrs. Emily Kilbourne: Every night when I go to bed, I search myself.
Marian Kilbourne: Did you ever find anything?
Jerry Kilbourne: Maybe he didn't have a father.
Mrs. Emily Kilbourne: Oh darling, everyone has a father, that's one of nature's unwritten laws.
Marian Kilbourne: I hope he stole the piano so I don't have to practice any more.
Mr. Kilbourne: Isn't there any respect at all in this family?
Jerry Kilbourne: Don't get discouraged, pop. There must be.
Mrs. Emily Kilbourne: Shakepeare was right when he said... oh, I don't know what he said , but Shakespeare was right!
Grosvenor - Butler: Are you going to believe who you talk to or what I tell you? Miss Kilbourne is not at home.
Jerry Kilbourne: There's no film in the camera.
Grosvenor - Butler: But, how can you take pictures without film then?
Jerry Kilbourne: Oh, you can't. I'm just trying it. If I like it, I'll buy some film.
Grosvenor - Butler: Yes, ma'am.
Jerry Kilbourne: [Wade is walking backwards as he leaves Jerry at the door] Is that the way you always walk?
Wade Rawlins: Yes. Oh, I don't care where I'm going. I like to see where I've been.
Jerry Kilbourne: Pop, if anyone tells you you look good this morning, slug 'em.
Mrs. Emily Kilbourne: [Mrs. Kilbourne is teaching Wade how to serve at a formal table] Oh, no, Rawlins. You must always serve from the left.
Wade Rawlins: Um, this is your left, madam.
Mrs. Emily Kilbourne: Oh, so it is. I get mixed up sometime. You see, I'm right handed.
Wade Rawlins: Well, I was pretending I was a left-handed butler.
Mrs. Emily Kilbourne: Oh, that's different. Then you're doing splendidly.
Mrs. Emily Kilbourne: Now, I'll be Mr. Kilbourne and you be me.
Wade Rawlins: Yes.
Mrs. Emily Kilbourne: No. You be me and I'll be Mr. Kilbourne. Or, you be Mr. Kilbourne and I'll be you. That's it. Now, who are we?
Mrs. Emily Kilbourne: Is everything all right dear? Oh dear, I called you dear. I was pretending you were Mr. Kilbourne. My husband, you know?
Wade Rawlins: Oh yeah, heh, heh... Mr. Kilbourne.
Grosvenor - Butler: And what do you mean, sitting down in Mrs. Kilbourne's presence?
Wade Rawlins: Well, I always sit down when I'm driving her.
Grosvenor - Butler: What's that got to do with it?
Wade Rawlins: [Wade looks at the cook, Etta] I don't know, what do you think?
Etta: I think you look grand.
Wade Rawlins: It seems Mrs. Kilbourne wants to see me about something. Look after things while I'm gone.
Grosvenor - Butler: Yes, sir... Sir? Huh? Who do I think he is?
Wade Rawlins: Mrs. Kilbourne.
Mrs. Emily Kilbourne: Oh, how nice of you to come.
Wade Rawlins: I live here. I'm Rawlins.
Mrs. Emily Kilbourne: Well of course you are. I know that. I never forget a face and a name. Don't be silly. I'm very glad you came.
Senator Harlan: If ever you are in Washington, you must come visit us.
Mrs. Emily Kilbourne: Thank you so much. But I was there once, during the last coronation.
Mrs. Emily Kilbourne: Senator, tell me more about the woman who's nuts.
Mr. Kilbourne: Emily, there's something I've been trying to tell you all evening.
Mrs. Emily Kilbourne: Oh, Henry. There you are. Where have you been? We've had the loveliest party.
Mr. Kilbourne: For heaven's sake, Emily. I know all about the party.
Mrs. Emily Kilbourne: You do? Tell me all about it.
Mr. Kilbourne: Oh, forget it. Forget it!
Mrs. Emily Kilbourne: Well, I'll try. But I doubt it very much.
Mrs. Emily Kilbourne: I'm so glad you could all come. Because if you hadn't, I don't know what we would have done with all the food.
Jerry Kilbourne: Oh, I'm just making some fudge.
Wade Rawlins: With pickles?
Jerry Kilbourne: Oh, yes. I always make my fudge with pickles.
Mr. Kilbourne: Listen, young lady. What's the idea of getting home so early and scaring people?
Jerry Kilbourne: I think a person should have more pride than to allow a total stranger to make love to her on a golf course.
Wade Rawlins: Oh, well. There weren't many people on the course.
Grosvenor - Butler: What you see in Mr. Rawlins I'll never know.
Etta: You said it.
Grosvenor - Butler: Fix him two 10-minute eggs.
Etta: Why, they'd be hard.
Grosvenor - Butler: You said it.
Mr. Kilbourne: [after three people have fainted] Will somebody please stay healthy enough around here for me to get something?
Mr. Kilbourne: [after he has tripped or been knocked down a third time] This is getting worse than an epidemic.
Mr. Kilbourne: [Grosvenor appears unshaven and in a hobo outfit] What's the idea of that getup?
Grosvenor - Butler: After watching the success of all the tramps who have infested this house, I realize that I've been in the wrong racket. From now on, me for the open road.
Rosa: I hardly even spoke to the man. Only to kiss him goodnight.
Etta: Well, no wonder he left. Even a tramp has some feelings.
Etta: Did you find anything of Ambrose?
Grosvenor - Butler: He's vanished like the wind.
Etta: Woe is us. That's the eighth tramp chauffer in six months.
Grosvenor - Butler: This household is entirely much too much for me. I'm through.
Etta: What, again?
Grosvenor - Butler: This time it's final. Irrevocable. Of course, it's all right if some people want to stay in a haven of derelicts.
Grosvenor - Butler: This time I'm through, and nothing will make me change my mind. Nothing.
Jerry Kilbourne: [Enters the kitchen] Going somewhere, Grosvenor?
Grosvenor - Butler: Why no, Miss Geraldine. The very idea...
Jerry Kilbourne: What's all this about the silver being gone?
Grosvenor - Butler: Yes, miss, I'm afraid it's only too true.
Jerry Kilbourne: Where's Ambrose?
Grosvenor - Butler: He disappeared with the silver, miss. And he also took my black patent leather shoes.
Marian Kilbourne: Aren't you going to call the police?
Jerry Kilbourne: Call the police? Are you crazy? With our luck, they'd find him and bring him back. And besides, what if the newspapers ever got ahold of it?
Jerry Kilbourne: Call Grosvenor.
Marian Kilbourne: What'll I call him?
Jerry Kilbourne: Grosvenor.
Marian Kilbourne: [Loudly] Grosvenor!
Mr. Kilbourne: Geraldine, is that the way for your sister to come down to the breakfast table?
Jerry Kilbourne: No, pop.
Mr. Kilbourne: Well then, ell her to go upstairs and put some clothes on.
Jerry Kilbourne: [to Marian] Go upstairs and put some clothes on.
Mr. Kilbourne: [Holds up a cup-size strainer] Grosvenor, who ever heard of eating cantaloupe with a contraption like that?
Grosvenor - Butler: Off hand, I couldn't say, sir.
Jerry Kilbourne: And that's why we're eating with all these doodads - because he walked off with the kitchen silver too.
Mrs. Emily Kilbourne: [Walks into the breakfast room and over to two large fish bowls with tropical fish in them] Good morning, my little fishy-wishies?
Jerry Kilbourne: [In unison with all the family] Good morning, mother.
Mrs. Emily Kilbourne: Oh, good morning, my dears.
Mrs. Emily Kilbourne: [after trying to use a large wooden stirring spoon on her cantaloupe] Grosvenor, don't you think this spoon is a little large for such a tiny little melon.
Grosvenor - Butler: I'm sorry, madam, but...
Mrs. Emily Kilbourne: When a family has so many blessings, I think there's always a danger of taking things for granted.
Wade Rawlins: Don't you like tramps?
Grosvenor - Butler: I try desperately to love all God's creatures, but I loathe tramps.
Wade Rawlins: [Spoofs the Kilbourne household as he shaves and talks to himself in the mirror. Grosvenor sees and hears him] You know, if you had any backbone, you'd go out and get yourself a job driving a truck. Why, you look even worse than the last one we had here. Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh. Don't be a wooden Indian. Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Why, Rawlins old boy, if you don't look out, the man with the blue coat and brass buttons and the funny little hat will come and get you. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Marian Kilbourne: Why, Grosvenor, you're white as a sheet.
Etta: You look like a snowman on a hot day.
Grosvenor - Butler: That man has bats in the belfry.
Etta: Why? What happened?
Grosvenor - Butler: He's in his room talking to himself and laughing like a maniac. He says the man in the blue buttons and brass coat is after him.
Grosvenor - Butler: I tell you, he's stark staring mad.
Mrs. Emily Kilbourne: I don't suppose I've ever seen you before, have I? Oh, I suppose you're the new chauffeur. Ambrose left only this morning... I'm very glad he's gone.
Wade Rawlins: What seemed to be the matter with Ambrose?
Mrs. Emily Kilbourne: He sulked constantly. Something organic, I think. Sometimes for days on end, he wouldn't speak to me. And that went on for days on end.
Mrs. Emily Kilbourne: Shakespeare said a man who has no music in himself, and so forth. I think he might also have said a man who has no flowers within himself, and so forth.
Mrs. Emily Kilbourne: Where are you going, darling?
Jerry Kilbourne: Rawlins is going to drive me to the club.
Mrs. Emily Kilbourne: Oh, does he drive?
Jerry Kilbourne: I have a book you ought to read.
Wade Rawlins: A mystery story?
Jerry Kilbourne: It will be to you. It's a book on etiquette.
Wade Rawlins: Oh, it should be amusing. I hope it has pictures. I love pictures.
[Jerry rolls her eyes]
Herbert Wheeler: You mean to say I'm to blame?
Wade Rawlins: Yes. I think so.
Herbert Wheeler: [Gives Rawlins a push] You can' talk like that to me. I'll knock your ears off.
Wade Rawlins: Oh, don't frighten me, mister. Look, you got me all nervous.
[He shakes his hands, flips his notebook in Wheeler's face, and gets back in his car]
Jerry Kilbourne: Go to the garage and have the bumper fixed. And, uh, pick up father at the station. He arrives at five.
Wade Rawlins: What's your father like?
Jerry Kilbourne: Well, let's see. He's um... well, he's very bad-tempered and he hates tramps. For further information, I'd ask mother. She's known him longer.
Wade Rawlins: Yes, yes, but, uh... well, is he tall, short, wide, narrow?
Jerry Kilbourne: Well, that depends on how you look at him.
Wade Rawlins: Miss Kilbourne, how will I know him?
Jerry Kilbourne: I've already told you. He arrives at five.
Wade Rawlins: Oh... at five. Yes, of course, that's different.
Mr. Kilbourne: Tramp?
Wade Rawlins: Yes?
Mr. Kilbourne: You stolen anything yet?
Wade Rawlins: Not yet. Only got here this morning.
Grosvenor - Butler: [Answers the telephone] Mr. Wheeler, miss.
Jerry Kilbourne: Oh, is it? Tell Mr. Wheeler I'm not at home.
Grosvenor - Butler: Miss Kilbourne is not at home, sir.
[Jerry takes the phone from Grosvenor and listens]
Herbert Wheeler: [Talking from a lobby phone booth] Listen you stupid old fraud, who do you think you're kidding?
Jerry Kilbourne: What did you call me, Herbert?
[She hands the phone back to Grosvenor]
Herbert Wheeler: Oh, I'm sorry, sweetheart. Listen baby...
Grosvenor - Butler: I beg your pardon, sir. But I'm neither your sweetheart nor your baby.
[Jerry takes the phone from Grosvenor]
Herbert Wheeler: Baby! You baby elephant. Will you get off the phone ya big lug?
Jerry Kilbourne: Why, Herbert, I thought you wanted to talk to me. But if that's the way you feel about it.
[She hands the phone back to Grosvenor]
Herbert Wheeler: Uh, wait a minute, Jerry.
Jerry Kilbourne: [Speaking loudly toward the phone that Grosvenor is holding] Tell Mr. Wheeler I'm not at home.
Grosvenor - Butler: Hello, this is the Kilbourne estate.
Herbert Wheeler: Will you please stop monkeying around and let me talk to Miss Kilbourne?
Grosvenor - Butler: Miss Kilbourne is not at home, sir.
Herbert Wheeler: Listen, you fathead. I know she's at home. I just talked to her.
Grosvenor - Butler: Are you going to believe who you talked to or what I tell you? Miss Kilbourne is not at home.
Mr. Kilbourne: I won't stand for it any longer. This foolishness has gone far enough. How do you suppose our friends and neighbors feel?
Mrs. Emily Kilbourne: Why? Were any of them ill?
Mr. Kilbourne: How do I know?
Jerry Kilbourne: If you ask me, and I'm sure you won't, I think Rawlins has great possibilities.
Mr. Kilbourne: He's nothing but a presumptuous pup, don't you think so, Grosvenor?
Grosvenor - Butler: I would rather not discuss that person, sir, but since you asked me, I think he's suffering from dementia...
Jerry Kilbourne: He means he thinks he's nuts.
Senator Harlan: Say, Kilbourne. They tell me there's a very eccentric woman in this district. It seems she has a hobby of inviting hobos into her house and trying to reform them. Ha, ha, ha.
Mrs. Emily Kilbourne: [Mockingly] Ho, ho, ho, ho. What's wrong with that?
Senator Harlan: What's wrong with that? Suppose one was sitting right here. Now what would be the topic of his conversation? What would he say? What would we say?
Wade Rawlins: It's hard to imagine unless the tramp, or hobo as you call him, was a victim of circumstances.
Senator Harlan: Bosh! A tramp is a tramp.