Monkey Business (1952)
Lois Laurel: [at her secretrial desk, responding to Barnaby's remark that she is at work early] Mr. Oxley's been complaining about my punctuation, so I'm careful to get here before nine.
Barnaby: Hello, Griffith Park Zoo, Snake Department. Sssshhh!
Oliver Oxley: Hello? Hello? What is this?
Barnaby: What do you want?
Oliver Oxley: This is Mr Oxley.
Barnaby: I'll see if he's here.
Oliver Oxley: No, I said *this* is Oxley!
Barnaby: Who is?
Oliver Oxley: I am, speaking!
Barnaby: Oh, you're Mr. Speaking...
Oliver Oxley: This is Mr. Oxley speaking!
Barnaby: Oxley Speaking? Any relation to Oxley?
Oliver Oxley: Barnaby Fulton is that you?
Barnaby: Who's calling?
Oliver Oxley: I am, Barnaby!
Barnaby: Oh, no, you're not Barnaby. I'm Barnaby! I ought to know who I am.
Oliver Oxley: This is Oxley speaking, Barnaby!
Barnaby: No, that's ridiculous! You can't be all three. Figure out which one you are and call me back!
Barnaby: I have a new formula.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton: Now barnaby, if you start that all over again, so help me, I'll...
Barnaby: Oh, I like that dress, yes.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton: Oh, you do.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton: Alright, what's the new formula?
Barnaby: Well, it doesn't come in packages or bottles. You're old only when you forget you're young.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton: Come on, say some more.
Barnaby: Hmmm, it's a word you keep in your heart, a light you have in your eyes, someone you hold in your arms.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton: My, I'm glad I'm going out with you tonight.
Barnaby: [Lois is exposing a beautiful leg to show Barnaby the "new non-rip plastic stockings" he invented. Mr. Oxley enters and is startled] Miss Laurel was just showing me her acetates.
[talking on the telephone to his secretary]
Oliver Oxley: Miss Laurel, now listen carefully! I want you to go to every Ford agency in town! and find Dr. Fulton!
[Miss Laurel looks confused]
Lois Laurel: But Mr. Oxley, which shall I do first?
Barnaby: Well, all set? Is you motor running?
Lois Laurel: Is your motor running?
Barnaby: Is yours? Takes awhile to warm up.
Lois Laurel: It does, me too.
Barnaby: Well, watch your head. I'll watch everything else!
Mrs. Edwina Fulton: By the way, whose lipstick is it?
Barnaby: Oh, uh, what's her names? Oxley's secretary.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton: Oh, you mean that little pin up girl? Very cute.
Barnaby: Sort of. But half infant.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton: Not the half that's visible.
Oliver Oxley: [Miss Laurel opens door] I told you I didn't want any calls.
Lois Laurel: Mr. Oxley, Dr. Linten's on the phone. I told him you were busy but he says it's very important.
Oliver Oxley: Who is he?
Lois Laurel: He...
Barnaby: He's my new assistant.
Oliver Oxley: Oh, yes. Just a moment, Miss Laurel. Find someone to type this.
Lois Laurel: Oh, Mr. Oxley, can't I try again?
Oliver Oxley: No, it's very important. Better find somebody to type it for you.
Lois Laurel: Yes, sir.
[Walks to door and closes it]
Oliver Oxley: Anybody can type.
[picks up telephone receiver]
Oliver Oxley: Who did she say was calling?
Barnaby: Dr. Linten.
Oliver Oxley: Oh, yes.
[Speaks to Dr. Linten through receiver]
Oliver Oxley: Yes, Dr. Lintel? Yes? I know he's not there. Dr. Fulton is here with me. Ye - what? Really? What sort of reactions? Why, that's amazing! We'll be right there. Come on, Barnaby. You've done better work than you know.
[Both run to door. Mr. Oxley opens door]
Oliver Oxley: Come along, Miss Laurel. It's amazing.
Barnaby: What's amazing?
Oliver Oxley: Dr. Whatchamacallit says one of your monkeys broke loose. We've got to hurry.
Barnaby: In my opinion, your opinion that it's a silly song is a silly opinion.
Lois Laurel: Hi Dr Fulton.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton: What did you say to her?
Lois Laurel: Mrs Fulton. He said "hi".
Mrs. Edwina Fulton: I heard what he said, you peroxide kissing bug!
Barnaby: Edwina, she hasn't done anything.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton: I'll pull that blonde hair out by its black roots!
Barnaby: Edwina! Now come along. Miss Laurel, you keep out of the way.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton: Put 'em up! Put 'em up! Put 'em up!
Barnaby: Alright. Now say terrify.
Lois Laurel: Terrify.
Barnaby: Now say tissue.
Lois Laurel: tissue.
Barnaby: Now say them both fast together.
Lois Laurel: Terrify tissue?
Barnaby: [burst in laughs]
Mrs. Edwina Fulton: [acting like 8 years olds after taking some of the formula]
[picks up paint brush and paints Barnaby]
Mrs. Edwina Fulton: I'll tell my mother!
Dr. Barnaby Fulton: [picks up his own paint brush and paints Edwina] Here's one for your mother.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton: [gets more paint on her brush and paints Barnaby again] I'll tell Hank Entwhistle!
Dr. Barnaby Fulton: [gets more paint and paints Edwina again] Here's two for Hank Entwhistle.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton: Don't you remember anything?
Barnaby: Well, sure, the last thing... I was scalping Hank Entwhistle.
Hank Entwhistle: Well, I can only tell you, Mrs. Fulton. If you had been smart enough to marry me instead of...
[points at Barnaby]
Hank Entwhistle: this, you wouldn't be in the kitchen cooking.
Barnaby: No? Where would she be cooking?
Barnaby: Umph! I'm beginning to wonder if being young is all it's cracked up to be. We dream of youth. We remember it as a time of nightingales and valentines. But what are the facts? Maladjustment, near idiocy, and a series of low comedy disasters. That's what youth is. I don't see how anyone survives it.
Bit Boy: Mister, will you play with us?
Bit Boy: We need a nice tall man to play maypole.
Hank Entwhistle: I'm sorry, but I haven't time now.
Little Indian: Don't you like children?
Hank Entwhistle: Of course I like children.
Little Indian: Why are you mean to them then?
Hank Entwhistle: I'm not mean to them.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton: Oh, darling! Stop by the automobile agency. Mr Peabody just called and says he had a very good buy
Barnaby: A good buy? Well, good bye to you!
Mrs. Edwina Fulton: I remember we didn't wanna share each other with anyone. You were so sweet. Remember how the telephone kept ringing for hours and hours and hours?
Mrs. Edwina Fulton: I'll get it.
Barnaby: You see what I mean? Tonight were answering calls.
Barnaby: At 11:52 this morning I took a dose of the formula,and in a few minutes, I began to behave like a college boy with 20/20 vision and no bursitis.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton: [to a baby] Barnaby, speak to me! I'm your wife!
[Barnaby and Oxley in his office. Oxley to his secretary Miss Laurel, whose assets are in other areas]
Oliver Oxley: Oh, just a moment Miss Laurel. Find someone to type this.
[Oxley hands Miss Laurel a sheet of paper]
Lois Laurel: Oh, Mr. Oxley. Can't I try again?
Oliver Oxley: No, it's very important. Better find someone to type it for you.
Lois Laurel: Yes sir.
[Miss Laurel, disappointed, turns around and saunters out of the office, waggling her behind as she leaves. Both Barnaby and Oxley watch her retreat intently. Then Barnaby turns to look at Oxley]
Oliver Oxley: Anybody can type.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton: [on phone] Hello, Hank.
Hank Entwhistle: Edwina!
Mrs. Edwina Fulton: Can you come over to my house?
Hank Entwhistle: What's wrong?
Mrs. Edwina Fulton: It's Barnaby. He threw a whole bucket of paint all over me! See!
Barnaby: Now, Edwina, we drove all the way down here to enjoy ourselves and to pursue an important scientific experiment at the same time.
Barnaby: [grabbing some pruning sheers] Ssh, I'm just getting these to scalp a man.
Barnaby: [to a baby after he coos] No, no familiarities.
Barnaby: [about the baby] We ought to find out who that is.
Barnaby: Sodium ascorbate. 3,000 milligrams. You keep quiet Esther.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton: Look in this front pocket. That's usually where you hide it.
Barnaby: Oh, yeah. But I don't hide it. I put it there so that I could find it. Here it is.
Barnaby: I've just got to find a way to make it more assimilable.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton: Huh?
Mrs. Edwina Fulton: More easily assimilated.
Barnaby: Oh, yeah.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton: When I dance with you, I want to dance with all of you. I don't want your brain to be somewhere else.
Barnaby: Hey. You know, you're alright.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton: How do you like your eggs?
Barnaby: How did eggs get into the conversation?
Mrs. Edwina Fulton: You're hungry aren't you?
Hank Entwhistle: Now look here, double dome. What's the idea of doing something tonight you can do just as well tomorrow?
Barnaby: I'll get you a drink. You'll feel better.
Hank Entwhistle: Why can't you be a genius before sundown and a human being afterwards?
Barnaby: Because I never know in advance when I'm going to be a genius.
Hank Entwhistle: The language is confusing but the actions are inimitable.
Barnaby: [Answering the telephone in his lab] Hello! Department of Water and Power. Which one would you like to have cut off?
Barnaby: Oh, is that a new dress?
Mrs. Edwina Fulton: Mmm-hum!
Barnaby: Oh, I like that. Let me see it. I like the way it sticks out. Or, is that you?
Mrs. Edwina Fulton: Well, you ought to know.
Barnaby: It isn't you.
Barnaby: I was just thinking, it's queer about people.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton: What about people?
Barnaby: Through no fault of their own they get older.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton: Now, that's a profound remark.
Barnaby: They get older, something happens to them.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton: Are you referring to me Barnaby?
Barnaby: Nah, I was thinking of the human race as a whole. It's a pretty sad group.
Barnaby: The week after we got back from our honeymoon, the Everett Winstons invited us to a party.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton: I'm sorry, darling, but I don't remember going.
Barnaby: We didn't go.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton: Oh, yes. Now, I remember. We stayed home. Just like tonight.
Barnaby: No, Edwina, that's what I'm talking about. We stayed home from that party for an all together different reason. Tonight we're staying home for an intellectual reason.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton: I remember we didn't want to share each other with anyone. You were so sweet. Remember how the telephone kept ringing for hours and hours and hours.
Barnaby: I've been promised a pretty good job if I can make this formula work.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton: Yeah, no more commercial assignments. No more working on non-skid girdles or noiseless popcorn bags.
Lois Laurel: I'm glad we have a moment. I have something I want to show you.
Barnaby: For instance?
Lois Laurel: [hikes up her dress above her knee] Isn't it wonderful?
Barnaby: I beg your pardon?
Lois Laurel: The new non-rip plastic stockings you invented.
Barnaby: Oh! The Info-1 Acetate Project.
Lois Laurel: This is an experimental pair. The first pair out of the factory. Aren't you proud?
Barnaby: It turned out rather well.
Lois Laurel: Oh, Dr. Fulton, this is fun. What about Mr. Oxley? The plants back that way.
Barnaby: I know. We're going to circle the field. So, fasten your safety belt and no smoking.
Barnaby: I strained every muscle in my body - roller staking.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton: Good heavens, don't tell me you went roller skating?
Barnaby: Yeah, afraid I did.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton: And your face is breaking out with red blotches.
Barnaby: Oh, they're not blotches, dear. That's lipstick!
Mrs. Edwina Fulton: Oh!
Barnaby: Edwina, what I have to tell you is unbelievable!
Mrs. Edwina Fulton: Yes, it is unbelievable on roller skates. Hmm - what balance.
Barnaby: I wasn't on roller skates all afternoon.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton: Obviously.
Barnaby: You'd never believe what I did. I broke records.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton: Huh?
Barnaby: Oh, you'd a been amazed. I wish you could have been there.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton: Well, I wish I had been too.
Barnaby: Well, I did things that I never dreamed I do!
Mrs. Edwina Fulton: Oh, Barney! It's gonna be our honeymoon night all over again - with no hands!
Barnaby: Wouldn't you like to slow down so that we can talk?
Mrs. Edwina Fulton: Who wants to talk?
Barnaby: Well, Edwina, I have to test your reactions.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton: Oh, Bar-ney!
Barnaby: Do you regret not having married him?
Mrs. Edwina Fulton: Look who's talking! What about Elvira Bliss?
Barnaby: Oh, for heaven's sake. Elvira Bliss. That was in grammar school.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton: I know. She was the teacher.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton: I suppose that Myra MacKillop was in grammar school too! And, Miriam Ingalls who you tried to teach to play golf for three years!
Barnaby: Oh, yeah, that reminds me. She's still got my putter.
Barnaby: I have nothing to say until I finish all of my experiments.
Reporter: Is there another woman, Doc?
Barnaby: Oh, no. No. There's no other woman. My wife has been my only victim, so far. I'll have a much better story for you when I've experimented with 10 or 20 others.
Mrs. Rhinelander: Don't let him dominate you again. Do something. Do anything!
Barnaby: I've decided that the formula is the most dubious discovery since itching powder. And just about as useful.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton: Are you in love with Miss - Whosit?
Barnaby: Of course not.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton: Well, you went smooching with her - on roller skates.
Oliver Oxley: How is Mrs. Fulton? Is she behaving normally?
Lois Laurel: Well, she didn't try to hit me; but, she wasn't very polite.
Oliver Oxley: Now, the question is, how much cash do you want? Barnaby, I said how much cash do you want? Name any amount.
Barnaby: A zillion dollars!
Oliver Oxley: What?
G.J. Culverly: How much did he say?
Barnaby: A zillion dollars - that's a million trillion.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton: Barnaby, can't catch me! Barnaby, can't catch me! Barnaby, can't catch me!
Mrs. Edwina Fulton: Imagine: the secret of youth locked up in the head of a monkey.