The Comedy of Terrors (1963) Poster

Peter Lorre: Felix Gillie



  • Felix Gillie : And what if I tell them the truth and say it was all your idea in the first place?

    Waldo Trumbull : Mr. Gillie... Felix... friend... I put it to you, who in your discerning estimation are the police most likely to believe, hm? Mr. W. Trumble, respected local citizen and entrepreneur of death, or Mr. Felix Gillie... wanted fugitive and confessed bank robber?

    Felix Gillie : I never confessed!

    [pause, then] 

    Felix Gillie : They just proved it.

  • Felix Gillie : Mr. Tremble...

    Waldo Trumbull : Trumbull.

    Felix Gillie : I SAID "Tremble".

  • Felix Gillie : [They're hiding from the rampaging Mr. Black]  It's better in the dark.

    Waldo Trumbull : What is? Decapitation?

  • Felix Gillie : [he and Trumbuill are sitting on the coffin, trying to keep it closed and referring to Mr. Black, who's inside the coffin]  For a man in his condition, he certainly has a lot of energy!

    Waldo Trumbull : The stubborn crackpot! I could have sworn that he was dead!

    Felix Gillie : It's about time!

    Waldo Trumbull : I've never had such an uncooperative customer in my whole life!

  • Felix Gillie : [stuck on a roof]  Why did I ever escape from prison? It was so peaceful there.

  • Waldo Trumbull : [Impatiently waiting for Gillie to pick the lock of a heavy door]  You having a little trouble, Mr. Gillie?

    Felix Gillie : Oh, this dirty lock was never meant for picking.

    Waldo Trumbull : Well, why don't you take an axe, and chop it open?

    Felix Gillie : [Getting angry]  Nobody, but nobody, tells Gillie what to do with locks!

    Waldo Trumbull : [Amused]  No, I take it back. What you need is a keg of gunpowder.

    Felix Gillie : Hey, I have an idea... Maybe there is a bolt on the inside?

    Waldo Trumbull : There's a "bolt" on the inside of your head, Mr. Gillie, and it's LOOSE!

  • Felix Gillie : [talking about Amarylliis' singing during Mr. Black's funeral service]  I wish she would have picked another song.

    Waldo Trumbull : I wish her vocal cords would snap.

  • Felix Gillie : [to Mr. Trumbull, referring to Mr. Black]  I don't think he's quite dead yet enough to bury.

    Waldo Trumbull : [walks over to him]  You don't think he's quite dead enough to AHHHHHHH!

    [sees Black moving] 

  • Felix Gillie : [after Amaryllis' singing has caused glasses to break, flowers to wither, and corks to pop out of bottles]  Just like a nightingale

  • Felix Gillie : There must be a little more honest way to conduct a funeral business.

    Waldo Trumbull : I might have expected that kind of talk from a criminal.

  • Felix Gillie : We are not going to embalm him tonight?

    Waldo Trumbull : We haven't embalmed anybody in six years. Why should we start now?

  • Felix Gillie : I just thought...

    Waldo Trumbull : Well, don't ! You don't do it very well.

  • Waldo Trumbull : I wonder what idiot ever thought of putting bodies in a crypt instead of in the ground where they belong.

    Felix Gillie : Yeah, and they fertilize plants too.

    Waldo Trumbull : What a terrible thing to say. Shut up!

  • Felix Gillie : [They're about to break into Mr. Phipps' house]  You know, the next time they catch me with these tools it'll be thirty years.

    Waldo Trumbull : It's no wonder they caught you the last time... you're probably the most inept house-breaker in all of New England.

    Felix Gillie : That's true.

  • Felix Gillie : [He's having trouble climbing into an upstairs window]  Why did I ever escape from prison? It was so peaceful there.

  • Felix Gillie : [Trumbull has decided that another customer is needed after the Phipps fiasco]  What is the same thing happens that happened to us the other night?

    Waldo Trumbull : Well, it's never happened before, has it?

    Felix Gillie : But what if it does happen? Are we going to go out another night and another night and look for another man and another man and -...

    Waldo Trumbull : We'll pick someone who isn't married, Mr. Gillie.

    Felix Gillie : And how are you going to do that, huh? Wake up everybody before you do that horrible thing to him and ask him whether he's married? Or are you just going to kill off any old man that comes your way?

  • Waldo Trumbull : [noticing the rather primitive-looking coffin that Mr. Gillie has just built]  What in the name of all that's holy is *that* thing?

    Felix Gillie : This? This is the new coffin. I don't like to see anybody buried naked. I don't. I just don't.

    Waldo Trumbull : No one in their right mind would be caught *dead* in that thing.

    [gives it a swift kick, causing it to fall apart] 

    Felix Gillie : [looking downhearted]  My coffin...

    Waldo Trumbull : How gratifying, Mr. Gillie, to have a, a "master craftsman" in one's employ. Well, I'm going out and drink myself into a state of stupefaction.

See also

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