Send Me No Flowers (1964)
George Kimball: When a man's wife thinks he's having an affair, how can he convince her he's not?
Arnold Nash: He can't.
George Kimball: But I'm not having one!
Arnold Nash: Doesn't make any difference.
George Kimball: Isn't a man innocent until proven guilty?
Arnold Nash: Look, you're dealing with your wife. You can forget the Constitution.
Judy: When he tells me he's dying and he doesn't DIE... wouldn't he know that I'd get SUSPICIOUS?
Dr. Morrissey: Is it a sharp pain, is it a dull pain, or does it grip like a vice
George Kimball: Yes, yes!
Dr. Morrissey: Nonono, pick one!
George Kimball: I guess it's a sharp pain, hurts like the dickens when I press it.
Dr. Morrissey: Then don't press it!
George Kimball: I'm not her good friend. I'm her husband!
George Kimball: Do you ever read the obituary column? It's enough to scare you to death.
George Kimball: What kind of pills are they?
Dr. Morrissey: You wouldn't know if I told you. Just take them. Take the pills.
Mr. Akins: How many in your family?
George Kimball: Just my wife and myself.
Mr. Akins: Oh... Well, that's all right. Chance of any little additions, maybe?
George Kimball: Well, there might be another man along later.
Mr. Akins: I beg your pardon.
George Kimball: You mean there's nothing I can do?
Arnold Nash: There is one thing.
George Kimball: What?
Arnold Nash: Confess, and ask her to forgive you.
George Kimball: Forgive me? For what?
Arnold Nash: For having an affair.
George Kimball: When I'm not having one?
Arnold Nash: That's right.
George Kimball: Look, I've heard of guys lying out of it, but I'd be the first guy to lie into it.
George Kimball: You are a one hundred percent, non-shrinkable, no-money-back, rat fink.
Winston Burr: Yeah, but a bachelor rat fink!
George Kimball: Egods, you've got cold feet!
Arnold Nash: Complaints, complaints, nothing but complaints! I could do some complaining, too, you know. You ever cut your toenails?
Judy: A checkup? But you just had one two weeks ago.
George Kimball: In two weeks your body can turn on you, just like that.
Judy: The Bullards are getting a divorce...
George Kimball: Who are they?...
Judy: I don't really know them. But I must say I expected it.
George Kimball: You don't know them and you expected them to get a divorce?
George Kimball: If you're nice in the supermarket, you could not be very nice at home.
Judy: Remember the year they operated on Whitey Ford? Remember that? You thought you had bone chips in your elbow.
George Kimball: Yeah, well, there definitely was pain there.
Judy: George, your hypochondria's showing.
George Kimball: Well, aren't you doing an awful lot of writing for just indigestion?
Dr. Morrissey: The more I write, the more money I charge.
George Kimball: Hindus had the right idea, Arnold. When the husband died, the wife went right with him. Threw herself right on the funeral pyre. Then he didn't have to worry about her.
Mr. Akins: [Shows George the ad for Green Hills cemetery] As you can see, we suggest the entire family all go out and select the final resting place together. The kids love it. They have a ball.
George Kimball: Mr.Akins, let me ask you a question. Assuming the husband goes first, and then later on the wife remarries.
Mr. Akins: Uh huh.
George Kimball: Then assuming the wife goes next and she's buried alongside her first husband.
Mr. Akins: Uh huh.
George Kimball: Well, when the second goes, is he buried alongside the other two. I mean, are they all put in there together.
Mr. Akins: Yes, that happens.
George Kimball: Well, make it for three. I might as well go all the way.
George Kimball: I went out and I bought a cemetery plot.
Arnold Nash: Oh, good, good. Use it in good health.
Arnold Nash: Excuse me, please. I'll powder my nose.
Arnold Nash: George, your nose needs a little powder too.
Arnold Nash: George... Does it bother you that Judy may marry this guy and, you know and...
George Kimball: You mean...
Arnold Nash: Yeah.
George Kimball: No, Arnold. She wouldn't think of that with another man. All she needs now is a companion. Someone to walk with... over the hill and down the other side.
Arnold Nash: When they made George Kimball, they threw away the mold.
George Kimball: If I had known it would be like this, I would've told you I was dying right away.
Judy: Well, you should have. Promise me you'll never keep anything like that from me again.
George Kimball: I won't.
Judy: [Creeps up on George sleeping and lands a hard slap on his face, he startles awake and she comforts him] Oh, my darling. Oh, my darling. Are you having another nightmare?
George Kimball: No, I, I, uh...
Judy: There, sweetheart.
George Kimball: I think somebody... Somebody hit me.
Judy: Oh... It's all right, darling. I'm here now.
Arnold Nash: Now, what woman doesn't want to see her husband crawl a little?
Arnold Nash: [after days of putting up with George Kimball's crazy-making idiosyncrasies and crossing off accolades from his notes for a speech at George's funeral] Keep it up, George, and you'll have the shortest eulogy on record!