The Great Race (1965) Poster

Jack Lemmon: Professor Fate, Crown Prince Frederick Hoepnick



  • [On a melting iceberg] 

    Leslie : [measures the base]  37 inches to go.

    Fate : Oh, 37 inches to go. Huzzah! At the rate we've been melting, that's good for about one more week!

    Leslie : You'd better keep it to yourself.

    Fate : Oh, of course I'll keep it to myself.

    [Leslie walks away] 

    Fate : [muttering]  Until the water reaches my lower lip, and then I'm gonna mention it to SOMEBODY!

  • Professor Fate : Are you sure you took care of everything?

    Max : Just keep your eye on car number 2.

    [car number 2 loses its steering wheel, and it spins through the crowd before crashing into a store] 

    Max : Now, at approximately the 50-mile mark, car number 3, it loses its transmission.

    Professor Fate : Ha ha ha, transmission!

    [at the 50-mile mark, the transmission drops out of car number 3] 

    Max : And in about five seconds, car number 4 bites the dust.

    Professor Fate : Perfect! Ha ha ha!

    [gears spring loose from all sides of car number 4, forcing it to a stop] 

    Professor Fate : Genius, Max, positive genius! What's next?

    Max : Car number five, the engine falls out!

    Professor Fate : Car number five! Ha ha ha ha!


    Professor Fate : Er, Max... *we're* number five.

  • [repeated line] 

    Professor Fate : Push the button, Max!

  • Professor Fate : Leslie escaped?

    General : With a small friar.

    Professor Fate : Leslie escaped with a chicken?

  • Max : Rise and shine, Professor.

    Professor Fate : You rise! You shine!

  • [the prince gets hit in the face with a pie] 

    Prince Hapnick : [tastes pie]  Brandy! Throw more brandy, throw brandy! More brandy! Brandy!

    [gets hit with another pie] 

    Prince Hapnick : [tastes pie]  Rum! I never mix my pies!

  • [On a melting iceberg] 

    Max : We gotta do something.

    Professor Fate : Oh, don't worry. Before this iceberg melts and we drown like rats, we're going to do plenty.

    Max : Yeah? What?

    Professor Fate : We're gonna starve!

  • Max : Red sky. Gonna be a storm.

    Professor Fate : What are you babbling about?

    Max : Red sky in the morning, sailor take warning.

    Professor Fate : Why, you simple-headed gherkin, do you know the chances of a storm in this part of the world at this time of the year?

    Max : No, what?

    Professor Fate : Hundred to one.

    [a great thunderclap; it begins to pour rain] 

    Max : Red sky in the morning, sailor take warning!

    Professor Fate : Why you idiot!

  • [on the iceberg] 

    Fate : You're wasting your time!

    Leslie : Perhaps.

    Fate : We're melting!

    Leslie : Slowly.

    Max : We're gonna sink!

    Leslie : Eventually.

    Fate : Then you're wasting your time!

  • Prince Hapnick : You! You're the cause of it all! It was your idea!

    General : No, no your highness... Baron von Schtupp...

    Prince Hapnik : I don't care, I don't care! You're banished. I'm getting a new tucker-inner! Banished, banished, banished!

  • Prince Hapnik : Course there is one good thing, when one was young, one could play along the corridors. I used to ride my pony up and down this corridor when I was young, then I grew up, got drunk, and fell off!

  • Cowboy : He's lucky Texas Jack ain't around... he'd gun that dude for sure!

    Professor Fate : Pardon me, Mr. Pahd-nuh, who is this Texas Jack?

    Cowboy : WHO'S TEXAS JACK?

    Professor Fate : Who?

    Cowboy : The roughest, toughest gunslinger in these parts... Lilly's his girl!

    Professor Fate : Whoo, hoo, hoo... Lilly's his girl.

    Max : Terrific...

  • Professor Fate : [having beaten Leslie]  I am king! I am the king!

    [sees Leslie and Maggie kissing] 

    Professor Fate : No, I'm not!

    Max : What?

    Professor Fate : I didn't beat him, he let me win! I can't win this way! I can only win one way, MY way! He let me win!

    [angrily climbs on Leslie's car] 

    Professor Fate : You cheated! Cheated! I hate you! I refuse to accept! I won't win any way but my way! You've ruined my reputation, do you hear? You I hate! You and your hair that's always combed, your suit that's always white, your car that's always clean! I refuse to accept! I challenge you to another race!

    [crowd cheers] 

    Leslie : Get off my hood!

    Professor Fate : Another race!

  • Professor Fate : What is the word for "friends"?

    Maggie DuBois : Professor...

    Professor Fate : Shut up!

    Max : I don't know the language.

    Professor Fate : Well, get the dictionary!

    Max : Dictionary. Right.

    [Max flips through the pages] 

    Max : I got it, I got it.

    Professor Fate : What is it, what is it?

    Max : [frowns]  I can't pronounce it.

    [Fate grabs the dictionary] 

    Professor Fate : Very simple. Dru... Druz...

    Maggie DuBois : Druzya.

    Professor Fate : Druzya...

    [Fate and Max stare at Maggie] 

    Maggie DuBois : I speak, read, and write French... Russian... and Arabic.

  • Leslie : It's just that you bear an uncanny resemblance to someone we both know.

    Prince Hapnick : Someone who looks like me?

    Leslie : Yes, sir.

    Prince Hapnick : [laughing, then comes silent pause]  Poor fellow.

  • Professor Fate : The eternal struggle takes time, Max.

  • Professor Fate : [after a disastrously failed stunt]  I'd like to see the great Leslie try THAT!

  • Fate : I won't do it!

    General : Then you leave us no alternative.

    [He draws a gun and points it at him] 

    Fate : I'll do it!

  • General : When we get back to the palace, you must trim your mustache. You must look exactly like the prince. Can you laugh?

    Fate : What do you mean, can I laugh?

    General : Well, the prince has a very individual laugh.

    Fate : Like what?

    General : Uh... ah ha HA ha ha.

    [Fate tries to leave, but the General stops him and demonstrates again] 

    General : Ah ha HA ha ha.

    Fate : HA HA HA HA HA.

    General : No, that's too much bass. The prince is more of a soprano.

  • Leslie : It's been my experience, General, that there is little advantage to winning if one wins too easily.

    Prince Hapnik : Rah! Oh oh, rah! Oh rah! Oh rah ah ah! What do you think of that, General?

    General : An admirable point of view, for anyone but a soldier. In my profession, to win is imperative. To win easily is a blessing.

  • [last lines] 

    Max : C'mon Professor. Go, Go!

    Fate : Relax. This time I'm going to win it my way. Push the button Max!

    [cut to shot of Eifel Tower collapsing] 

  • Professor Fate : She's his Achilles heel, she's our ace in the hole - she must not be left behind!

  • Max : [stumbling about in a blinding snowstorm]  Professor, where are you?

    Professor Fate : Behind the rock!

    Max : Behind which rock?

    [trips over Professor Fate] 

    Professor Fate : This rock, you idiot!

  • Professor Fate : What'd I tell you? I said she'd win the race for us, the bubble-headed vixen!

  • [Fate's car is met by a group of austere villagers] 

    Max : You give 'em beads, that makes 'em friendly.

    Professor Fate : Obviously, they don't know who I am.

    [Fate stands up] 

    Professor Fate : I AM PROFESSOR FATE!

    [the crowd is silent. Fate slinks back into his seat] 

    Max : Wanna try the beads?

  • Professor Fate : Thieves, brigands and cut-throats of all nations may hound us... but we are ready for them... we shall blast them into Kingdom Come.

  • Professor Fate : [after another failed stunt]  Well, there's another one Leslie can try on for size!

  • Professor Fate : [inside Leslie's car with Max]  My apologies, there's a polar bear in our car.

    Leslie : If you don't leave this car immediately, I shall personally feed you to the bear!

  • [repeated line] 

    Professor Fate : [shouts]  Maaaax!

  • Professor Fate : The world is mine!

    Max : The world is ours!

  • Professor Fate : [inside Professor Fate's mansion garage - stirring music]  It's ready.

    Max : Yes, yes it's ready.

    Professor Fate : There has never been anything like this.

    Max : Professor. Your greatest creation.

    Professor Fate : GENIUS! Work of genius. The finest parts from the greatest automobiles in the world. The 'Hannibal Twin Eight'. Ha-ha. And when it comes to the blizzards and the snow storms we will continue on just as planned. Push the button Max!

    Max : [gets in car and pushes button - soon front mounted red cone starts humming and glowing] 

    Professor Fate : [maniacal laughter, touches cone]  Yeaa! When the rains come and the snow melts we will continue to raise above it.

    [enters car] 

    Professor Fate : Push the button Max!

    Max : [pushes button and car body starts to rise] 

    Professor Fate : [lots more maniacal laughter]  Ah, nature will chase us, we will beat her and the brigands, thieves, cutthroats of all nations may hound us, but, we are ready for them

    [cannon appears] 

    Professor Fate : We will blast them to kingdom come.

    Professor Fate , Max : [maniacal laughter] 

    Professor Fate : We can mount! We can blast! We can rise above! We are invincible!

    [maniacal laughter] 

    Professor Fate : Take us down.

    [maniacal laughter] 

    Professor Fate : Eh, push the button Max.

    Max : [with a great flourish pushes button - the cannon fires bringing down the garage] 

    Professor Fate : [scream of rage]  Maaaaaaaaaaax!

  • Fate : I am Professor Fate!

  • Fate , Max : A Parachute?

  • Professor Fate : Sh-sh-sh-sh-shut up!

See also

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