The Great Race (1965)
Jack Lemmon: Professor Fate, Crown Prince Frederick Hoepnick
[On a melting iceberg]
Leslie : [measures the base] 37 inches to go.
Fate : Oh, 37 inches to go. Huzzah! At the rate we've been melting, that's good for about one more week!
Leslie : You'd better keep it to yourself.
Fate : Oh, of course I'll keep it to myself.
[Leslie walks away]
Fate : [muttering] Until the water reaches my lower lip, and then I'm gonna mention it to SOMEBODY!
Professor Fate : Are you sure you took care of everything?
Max : Just keep your eye on car number 2.
[car number 2 loses its steering wheel, and it spins through the crowd before crashing into a store]
Max : Now, at approximately the 50-mile mark, car number 3, it loses its transmission.
Professor Fate : Ha ha ha, transmission!
[at the 50-mile mark, the transmission drops out of car number 3]
Max : And in about five seconds, car number 4 bites the dust.
Professor Fate : Perfect! Ha ha ha!
[gears spring loose from all sides of car number 4, forcing it to a stop]
Professor Fate : Genius, Max, positive genius! What's next?
Max : Car number five, the engine falls out!
Professor Fate : Car number five! Ha ha ha ha!
Professor Fate : Er, Max... *we're* number five.
Professor Fate : Push the button, Max!
Max : Red sky. Gonna be a storm.
Professor Fate : What are you babbling about?
Max : Red sky in the morning, sailor take warning.
Professor Fate : Why, you simple-headed gherkin, do you know the chances of a storm in this part of the world at this time of the year?
Max : No, what?
Professor Fate : Hundred to one.
[a great thunderclap; it begins to pour rain]
Max : Red sky in the morning, sailor take warning!
Professor Fate : Why you idiot!
Prince Hapnik : Course there is one good thing, when one was young, one could play along the corridors. I used to ride my pony up and down this corridor when I was young, then I grew up, got drunk, and fell off!
Cowboy : He's lucky Texas Jack ain't around... he'd gun that dude for sure!
Professor Fate : Pardon me, Mr. Pahd-nuh, who is this Texas Jack?
Cowboy : WHO'S TEXAS JACK?
Professor Fate : Who?
Cowboy : The roughest, toughest gunslinger in these parts... Lilly's his girl!
Professor Fate : Whoo, hoo, hoo... Lilly's his girl.
Max : Terrific...
Professor Fate : [having beaten Leslie] I am king! I am the king!
[sees Leslie and Maggie kissing]
Professor Fate : No, I'm not!
Max : What?
Professor Fate : I didn't beat him, he let me win! I can't win this way! I can only win one way, MY way! He let me win!
[angrily climbs on Leslie's car]
Professor Fate : You cheated! Cheated! I hate you! I refuse to accept! I won't win any way but my way! You've ruined my reputation, do you hear? You I hate! You and your hair that's always combed, your suit that's always white, your car that's always clean! I refuse to accept! I challenge you to another race!
Leslie : Get off my hood!
Professor Fate : Another race!
Professor Fate : What is the word for "friends"?
Maggie DuBois : Professor...
Professor Fate : Shut up!
Max : I don't know the language.
Professor Fate : Well, get the dictionary!
Max : Dictionary. Right.
[Max flips through the pages]
Max : I got it, I got it.
Professor Fate : What is it, what is it?
Max : [frowns] I can't pronounce it.
[Fate grabs the dictionary]
Professor Fate : Very simple. Dru... Druz...
Maggie DuBois : Druzya.
Professor Fate : Druzya...
[Fate and Max stare at Maggie]
Maggie DuBois : I speak, read, and write French... Russian... and Arabic.
Professor Fate : The eternal struggle takes time, Max.
Professor Fate : [after a disastrously failed stunt] I'd like to see the great Leslie try THAT!
General : When we get back to the palace, you must trim your mustache. You must look exactly like the prince. Can you laugh?
Fate : What do you mean, can I laugh?
General : Well, the prince has a very individual laugh.
Fate : Like what?
General : Uh... ah ha HA ha ha.
[Fate tries to leave, but the General stops him and demonstrates again]
General : Ah ha HA ha ha.
Fate : HA HA HA HA HA.
General : No, that's too much bass. The prince is more of a soprano.
Leslie : It's been my experience, General, that there is little advantage to winning if one wins too easily.
Prince Hapnik : Rah! Oh oh, rah! Oh rah! Oh rah ah ah! What do you think of that, General?
General : An admirable point of view, for anyone but a soldier. In my profession, to win is imperative. To win easily is a blessing.
Professor Fate : She's his Achilles heel, she's our ace in the hole - she must not be left behind!
Professor Fate : What'd I tell you? I said she'd win the race for us, the bubble-headed vixen!
Professor Fate : Thieves, brigands and cut-throats of all nations may hound us... but we are ready for them... we shall blast them into Kingdom Come.
Professor Fate : [after another failed stunt] Well, there's another one Leslie can try on for size!
Professor Fate : [shouts] Maaaax!
Professor Fate : [inside Professor Fate's mansion garage - stirring music] It's ready.
Max : Yes, yes it's ready.
Professor Fate : There has never been anything like this.
Max : Professor. Your greatest creation.
Professor Fate : GENIUS! Work of genius. The finest parts from the greatest automobiles in the world. The 'Hannibal Twin Eight'. Ha-ha. And when it comes to the blizzards and the snow storms we will continue on just as planned. Push the button Max!
Max : [gets in car and pushes button - soon front mounted red cone starts humming and glowing]
Professor Fate : [maniacal laughter, touches cone] Yeaa! When the rains come and the snow melts we will continue to raise above it.
Professor Fate : Push the button Max!
Max : [pushes button and car body starts to rise]
Professor Fate : [lots more maniacal laughter] Ah, nature will chase us, we will beat her and the brigands, thieves, cutthroats of all nations may hound us, but, we are ready for them
Professor Fate : We will blast them to kingdom come.
Professor Fate : We can mount! We can blast! We can rise above! We are invincible!
Professor Fate : Take us down.
Professor Fate : Eh, push the button Max.
Max : [with a great flourish pushes button - the cannon fires bringing down the garage]
Professor Fate : [scream of rage] Maaaaaaaaaaax!
Fate : I am Professor Fate!
Professor Fate : Sh-sh-sh-sh-shut up!