The Great Race (1965)
[On a melting iceberg]
Leslie: [measures the base] 37 inches to go.
Fate: Oh, 37 inches to go. Huzzah! At the rate we've been melting, that's good for about one more week!
Leslie: You'd better keep it to yourself.
Fate: Oh, of course I'll keep it to myself.
[Leslie walks away]
Fate: [muttering] Until the water reaches my lower lip, and then I'm gonna mention it to SOMEBODY!
Professor Fate: Are you sure you took care of everything?
Max: Just keep your eye on car number 2.
[car number 2 loses its steering wheel, and it spins through the crowd before crashing into a store]
Max: Now, at approximately the 50-mile mark, car number 3, it loses its transmission.
Professor Fate: Ha ha ha, transmission!
[at the 50-mile mark, the transmission drops out of car number 3]
Max: And in about five seconds, car number 4 bites the dust.
Professor Fate: Perfect! Ha ha ha!
[gears spring loose from all sides of car number 4, forcing it to a stop]
Professor Fate: Genius, Max, positive genius! What's next?
Max: Car number five, the engine falls out!
Professor Fate: Car number five! Ha ha ha ha!
Professor Fate: Er, Max... *we're* number five.
Professor Fate: Push the button, Max!
Professor Fate: Leslie escaped?
General: With a small friar.
Professor Fate: Leslie escaped with a chicken?
Maggie DuBois: And because I consider myself sexually free and morally emancipated, I am still a responsible, discriminating woman who does not intend to jump into bed with the first wavy-haired, muscle-bound, egocentric male who thinks he can seduce me by agreeing with some of the things I believe in.
Leslie: I only wanted to kiss you!
Maggie DuBois: Why?
Leslie: Because I love you, that's why!
Maggie DuBois: Ha!
Leslie: You don't believe me, huh?
Maggie DuBois: I do not!
[Leslie stops the car, inches from the finish line]
Maggie DuBois: What are you doing?
Leslie: Proving that I love you.
Maggie DuBois: But you'll lose the race!
Leslie: Can you think of a better way to prove it?
[Leslie kisses Maggie]
[the prince gets hit in the face with a pie]
Prince Hapnick: [tastes pie] Brandy! Throw more brandy, throw brandy! More brandy! Brandy!
[gets hit with another pie]
Prince Hapnick: [tastes pie] Rum! I never mix my pies!
[On a melting iceberg]
Max: We gotta do something.
Professor Fate: Oh, don't worry. Before this iceberg melts and we drown like rats, we're going to do plenty.
Max: Yeah? What?
Professor Fate: We're gonna starve!
Max: Red sky. Gonna be a storm.
Professor Fate: What are you babbling about?
Max: Red sky in the morning, sailor take warning.
Professor Fate: Why, you simple-headed gherkin, do you know the chances of a storm in this part of the world at this time of the year?
Max: No, what?
Professor Fate: Hundred to one.
[a great thunderclap; it begins to pour rain]
Max: Red sky in the morning, sailor take warning!
Professor Fate: Why you idiot!
The Baron: As a very wise English gentleman once said, "He who fights and runs away may live to fight another day." So, until another day, Mr. Leslie. Please excuse me, I have a boat waiting.
[leaps through a window and dives... and crashes into his boat]
[on the iceberg]
Fate: You're wasting your time!
Fate: We're melting!
Max: We're gonna sink!
Fate: Then you're wasting your time!
Prince Hapnick: You! You're the cause of it all! It was your idea!
General: No, no your highness... Baron von Schtupp...
Prince Hapnik: I don't care, I don't care! You're banished. I'm getting a new tucker-inner! Banished, banished, banished!
Prince Hapnik: Course there is one good thing, when one was young, one could play along the corridors. I used to ride my pony up and down this corridor when I was young, then I grew up, got drunk, and fell off!
Cowboy: He's lucky Texas Jack ain't around... he'd gun that dude for sure!
Professor Fate: Pardon me, Mr. Pahd-nuh, who is this Texas Jack?
Cowboy: WHO'S TEXAS JACK?
Professor Fate: Who?
Cowboy: The roughest, toughest gunslinger in these parts... Lilly's his girl!
Professor Fate: Whoo, hoo, hoo... Lilly's his girl.
Professor Fate: [having beaten Leslie] I am king! I am the king!
[sees Leslie and Maggie kissing]
Professor Fate: No, I'm not!
Professor Fate: I didn't beat him, he let me win! I can't win this way! I can only win one way, MY way! He let me win!
[angrily climbs on Leslie's car]
Professor Fate: You cheated! Cheated! I hate you! I refuse to accept! I won't win any way but my way! You've ruined my reputation, do you hear? You I hate! You and your hair that's always combed, your suit that's always white, your car that's always clean! I refuse to accept! I challenge you to another race!
Leslie: Get off my hood!
Professor Fate: Another race!
Professor Fate: What is the word for "friends"?
Maggie DuBois: Professor...
Professor Fate: Shut up!
Max: I don't know the language.
Professor Fate: Well, get the dictionary!
Max: Dictionary. Right.
[Max flips through the pages]
Max: I got it, I got it.
Professor Fate: What is it, what is it?
Max: [frowns] I can't pronounce it.
[Fate grabs the dictionary]
Professor Fate: Very simple. Dru... Druz...
Maggie DuBois: Druzya.
Professor Fate: Druzya...
[Fate and Max stare at Maggie]
Maggie DuBois: I speak, read, and write French... Russian... and Arabic.
Leslie: It's just that you bear an uncanny resemblance to someone we both know.
Prince Hapnick: Someone who looks like me?
Leslie: Yes, sir.
Prince Hapnick: [laughing, then comes silent pause] Poor fellow.
Professor Fate: [after a disastrously failed stunt] I'd like to see the great Leslie try THAT!
Fate: I won't do it!
General: Then you leave us no alternative.
[He draws a gun and points it at him]
Fate: I'll do it!
Maggie DuBois: I want to thank you again for this opportunity, Mr. Goodbody.
Henry Goodbody: I had very little choice after your conversation with my wife.
Hester Goodbody: Henry, if you can't be more gracious, shut up!
General: When we get back to the palace, you must trim your mustache. You must look exactly like the prince. Can you laugh?
Fate: What do you mean, can I laugh?
General: Well, the prince has a very individual laugh.
Fate: Like what?
General: Uh... ah ha HA ha ha.
[Fate tries to leave, but the General stops him and demonstrates again]
General: Ah ha HA ha ha.
Fate: HA HA HA HA HA.
General: No, that's too much bass. The prince is more of a soprano.
Leslie: It's been my experience, General, that there is little advantage to winning if one wins too easily.
Prince Hapnik: Rah! Oh oh, rah! Oh rah! Oh rah ah ah! What do you think of that, General?
General: An admirable point of view, for anyone but a soldier. In my profession, to win is imperative. To win easily is a blessing.
Max: C'mon Professor. Go, Go!
Fate: Relax. This time I'm going to win it my way. Push the button Max!
[cut to shot of Eifel Tower collapsing]
Professor Fate: She's his Achilles heel, she's our ace in the hole - she must not be left behind!
Max: [stumbling about in a blinding snowstorm] Professor, where are you?
Professor Fate: Behind the rock!
Max: Behind which rock?
[trips over Professor Fate]
Professor Fate: This rock, you idiot!
Baron von Stuppe: Well, Mr. Leslie. I had expected to see you again, but, ah, not with a sword in your hand. Are you partial to the foil?
Leslie: Not particularly. It happened to be convenient.
Baron von Stuppe: I presume you know how to use one.
Leslie: I hope that won't be necessary.
Baron von Stuppe: I'm sure you do.
Leslie: Will you release Ms. Dubois and the others?
Baron von Stuppe: No...
Leslie: I'm afraid this will be necessary.
Baron von Stuppe: You're being very foolish, Mr. Leslie.
Leslie: That's an assumption, Baron. You make me the victim even before we start!
Baron von Stuppe: [shrugs] It's your life...
Leslie: [gestures with sword] You're assuming again.
[Leslie encounters Maggie stranded in the desert]
Leslie: I'm offering you a lift.
[Maggie ignores him]
Leslie: Or would you prefer an engraved invitation?
Maggie DuBois: I might consider an apology.
Leslie: An apology? For what? It's twenty miles back to Borracho, you'd never make it.
Maggie DuBois: Well, that's your fault.
Leslie: MY fault?
Professor Fate: What'd I tell you? I said she'd win the race for us, the bubble-headed vixen!
Leslie: Minutes have made the difference in survival, Miss DuBois.
Max: [sees Fate's bandaged hands] Would you like me to feed you?
[Fate's car is met by a group of austere villagers]
Max: You give 'em beads, that makes 'em friendly.
Professor Fate: Obviously, they don't know who I am.
[Fate stands up]
Professor Fate: I AM PROFESSOR FATE!
[the crowd is silent. Fate slinks back into his seat]
Max: Wanna try the beads?
Leslie: I was once on an anthropological expedition to study the Kwakiutl Indians. In the winter, one Kwakiutl Indian in a blanket froze, but two Kwakiutl Indians in the same blanket...
Maggie DuBois: Yes...?
Leslie: ...Were warmer.
Professor Fate: Thieves, brigands and cut-throats of all nations may hound us... but we are ready for them... we shall blast them into Kingdom Come.
Professor Fate: [after another failed stunt] Well, there's another one Leslie can try on for size!
Professor Fate: [inside Leslie's car with Max] My apologies, there's a polar bear in our car.
Leslie: If you don't leave this car immediately, I shall personally feed you to the bear!
Leslie: [to Maggie] You talk a good fight, but when it comes down to it, you're as emancipated as a confirmed spinster in a knitting bee.
Professor Fate: [inside Professor Fate's mansion garage - stirring music] It's ready.
Max: Yes, yes it's ready.
Professor Fate: There has never been anything like this.
Max: Professor. Your greatest creation.
Professor Fate: GENIUS! Work of genius. The finest parts from the greatest automobiles in the world. The 'Hannibal Twin Eight'. Ha-ha. And when it comes to the blizzards and the snow storms we will continue on just as planned. Push the button Max!
Max: [gets in car and pushes button - soon front mounted red cone starts humming and glowing]
Professor Fate: [maniacal laughter, touches cone] Yeaa! When the rains come and the snow melts we will continue to raise above it.
Professor Fate: Push the button Max!
Max: [pushes button and car body starts to rise]
Professor Fate: [lots more maniacal laughter] Ah, nature will chase us, we will beat her and the brigands, thieves, cutthroats of all nations may hound us, but, we are ready for them
Professor Fate: We will blast them to kingdom come.
Professor Fate: We can mount! We can blast! We can rise above! We are invincible!
Professor Fate: Take us down.
Professor Fate: Eh, push the button Max.
Max: [with a great flourish pushes button - the cannon fires bringing down the garage]
Professor Fate: [scream of rage] Maaaaaaaaaaax!
Maggie DuBois: Max, you little rat! I'll get you for this!
Master of Ceremonies: [addressing the crowd] Ladies and gentlemen, you are about to witness a feat so dangerous that only one man would dare attempt it: the magnificent Professor Fate!
[the crowd cheers]
Master of Ceremonies: The professor will defy death as his assistant swoops down from the sky ensnaring the professor on the ground and lift him into the air!
[the crowd cheers]
Master of Ceremonies: [addressing the crowd] Ladies and gentlemen, you are about to witness the most spectacular feat ever attempted by the greatest daredevil in the world: The Great Leslie!
[the crowd cheers]
Master of Ceremonies: He will be strapped in a straightjacket before your very eyes and lifted up into the clouds where eagles soar and no sparrow dares to venture!
[the crowd murmurs]