The Goodies (1970–1982)
Graeme Garden: Graeme Garden, Big Bunny, Celtic Kilty, Graeme Oddie, Robot Graeme Garden
[the Goodies have been told there's half an hour to go before the end of the world]
Tim : At least there's time to do the ironing.
[Brings in the ironing board and a basket of laundry]
Tim : Just think, this is the end of Derby County... and the Muppets!
Graeme : The Muppets?
Tim : Yes, when we go, they'll go too, you know... oh, I do hope they don't suffer.
Graeme : They're not real, you know!
Tim : Well, of course they're real!
Graeme : Don't be silly... the Muppets are just dollies!
Tim : If they're "dollies", how come they can sing and dance and make sophisticated funny remarks?
Graeme : Look, Kermit the frog is a green sock.
Tim : [suddenly disturbed] What?
Graeme : Kermit the frog is a man on his knees with a green sock on his hand!
[to demonstrate, he uses a green sock as a glove puppet and imitates Kermit]
Graeme : "Hello frog lovers, and welcome to the Muppet Show! I'd like to welcome our very special guest, Miss Piggy. Yay-ay-ay-ay!"
Tim : Well she has GOT to be real.
Graeme : Pair of old y-fronts and a mop head.
[He holds up a pair of underpants and a mop head, and speaks like Miss Piggy]
Graeme : "Hello Kermit, spawn of my heart, frog of my dreams!"
Graeme : "Hi there Miss Piggy, and what can I do for you?" Fozzie Bear is a brown woolly jumper with a hat on!
[Holds up a brown pullover and a hat and speaks like Fozzie]
Graeme : "Oh boy, funn-y! Oh Kermit, I hope those two old guys don't heckle me!"
[Holds up two sponge balls and imitates Waldorf and Statler]
Graeme : "Boo boo, the bear's a comedian, the comedian's a bear! Boo, boo!"
[Waves a feather duster in Tim's face and bellows]
Graeme : "A-NI-MAL!"
Tim : [Nearly hysterical] No, stop it! Lies! LIES!
Graeme : [holds up the green sock again and sings] "Halfway up the stairs is the stair where I"...
Tim : NO!
[runs into the kitchen, screaming]
Graeme : I'll release his inhibitions through anger and violence! My life's work is at an end. I can die a happy man.
[Tim emerges screaming from the kitchen and throws the gas cooker at Graeme]
Graeme : You shouldn't have hit me with that! You'll ruin the cake!