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The Twelve Chairs (1970) Poster

Quotes

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Ostap Bender: [after yet another failure] Remember the famous Russian proverb: "The hungrier you get, the tastier the meal." On the other hand, the French have a proverb: merde!

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Ippolit Vorobyaninov: You're not worth spitting on!

Father Fyodor: Oh yeah? Well, you are!

[spits]

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Ippolit Vorobyaninov: Why are you after my chair?

Father Fyodor: It's not yours.

Ippolit Vorobyaninov: Then whose is it?

Father Fyodor: It's nationalized property. It belongs to the workers!

Ippolit Vorobyaninov: Did you said the workers?

Father Fyodor: Yes, the workers.

Ippolit Vorobyaninov: Maybe the holy father is a member of the communist party.

Father Fyodor: Maybe.

Ippolit Vorobyaninov: But the party is for atheists. How can a priest join the party?

Father Fyodor: The church must keep up with the times.

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[Ostap Bender is kissing a young woman]

Young Woman: Do you love me?

Ostap Bender: Let's just say that I am very much in lust with you.

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Tikon: [remembering his former master Vorobyaninov] I loved him... he hardly ever beat us!

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Nikolai Sestrin: I hate people I don't like.

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Ippolit Vorobyaninov: [trying to remember his lines] I am cousin Michael from Kiev. All the Vorobyaninovs are dead.

[He knocks on the door]

Worker at Old Ladies Home: [answering the door] Yes?

Ippolit Vorobyaninov: I am cousin Kiev from Vorobyaninov. All the Michaels are dead.

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Ostap Bender: Listen, tell me. Tell me. Who lived here in the old days?

Tikon: Oh, in the old days was my master: Ippolit Matveyevich Vorobyaninov. He was a Marshal of the nobility. I loved him. He hardly ever beat us.

Ostap Bender: Ah, and whatever became of your "lovable master"?

Tikon: One night about ten years ago was a fearful noise. It was bombs and cannons and soldiers shooting. It was terrible, terrible!

Ostap Bender: Oh, yes, I think it was called "The Revolution".

Tikon: That was it: The Revolution... You're smart! You're smart and you're gorgeous. You're okay. Anyways... they all run away.

Ostap Bender: Well, come on, old boy. Let us see how drunk two Russians can get on one ruble.

Tikon: I like that: two Russians, one ruble!

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Father Fyodor: I want to grovel at your feet! I must grovel at your feet!

Madam Bruns: No groveling! There will be no groveling in this house! This is a Soviet household! We don't allow groveling!

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Ippolit Vorobyaninov: Where are you going?

Ostap Bender: Ah, the eternal question: "Quo Vadis"? Well, if you must know, I am vadissing off to gossip with the secret police.

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Ostap Bender: Now, maybe if you weren't such a selfish pig, we could do business.

Ippolit Vorobyaninov: I can't!

Ostap Bender: I'm going.

Ippolit Vorobyaninov: Wait!

Ostap Bender: Why?

Ippolit Vorobyaninov: Lets talk.

Ostap Bender: About what?

Ippolit Vorobyaninov: Things...

Ostap Bender: What things?

Ippolit Vorobyaninov: I don't know, situations...

Ostap Bender: I am going...

Ippolit Vorobyaninov: Wait!

Ostap Bender: Why?

Ippolit Vorobyaninov: Lets talk.

Ostap Bender: About what?

Ippolit Vorobyaninov: It.

Ostap Bender: What's 'it'?

Ippolit Vorobyaninov: You know...

Ostap Bender: I know what?

Ippolit Vorobyaninov: What we're talking about.

Ostap Bender: We're talking about nothing, I'm going.

Ippolit Vorobyaninov: You mustn't.

Ostap Bender: I must.

Ippolit Vorobyaninov: Why?

Ostap Bender: The reward!

Ippolit Vorobyaninov: What reward?

Ostap Bender: For turning you in.

Ippolit Vorobyaninov: Wait!

Ostap Bender: Why?

Ippolit Vorobyaninov: [desperate] We'll talk.

Ostap Bender: [shouting] About what?

Ippolit Vorobyaninov: [shouting also] About the diamonds! The diamonds! The diamonds...

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Ostap Bender: Now, Sevitsky, please don't disapoint me, because if you do I'm afraid I'll have to break your neck. A threat to the wise, hm?

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Ostap Bender: Now listen, old man. Pride is a luxury that neither you nor I can afford at this time in our lives. We need 30 rubles to make our dreams come true. It's sink or swim. I choose swim. Now, to beg or not to beg, that is the question. I will give you five... to decide yes or no. On the count of five it is farewell. One...

Father Fyodor: Yes... yes, yes, yes...

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Ippolit Vorobyaninov: [screaming at his dying mother-in-law for hiding her jewels in a chair] Fifty thousand roubles worth of jewelry stuffed in a chair? Heaven knows who may sit on that chair... *if* it's still a chair!

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Ippolit Vorobyaninov: [They've torn one of chairs to pieces when Vorobyaninov realizes] How did you find out about the jewels?

Father Fyodor: [pause, then] People talk.

Ippolit Vorobyaninov: Why, you disgusting creature! You used the sacred sacrement of confession to further your own ends!

Father Fyodor: Not really.

Ippolit Vorobyaninov: Well, you are just about the most contemptible creature it has even been my misfortune to meet! You're not worth spitting on!

Father Fyodor: Well, you are!

[He spits on Vorobyaninov]

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Ippolit Vorobyaninov: [upon learning that his mother-in-law is dying] Bozhe moi, that poor woman! That poor woman! Who is going to care of me?

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Father Fyodor: [Bender is masquerading as a government official as Father Fyodor walks into the office to get information about the chairs] I am Vorobyaninov's son.

[Ostap stares at him]

Father Fyodor: His first-born. He was like a father to me.

Ostap Bender: So... you are Vorobyaninov's son.

Father Fyodor: Yes, I am.

Ostap Bender: [quickly] How old are you?

Father Fyodor: 46... 44.

Ostap Bender: Which is it?

Father Fyodor: 42... 42.

Ostap Bender: According to our records, Vorobyaninov is 53. That means that when you were born, your father was... 11.

[Father Fyodor gives an impressed whistle]

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Ippolit Vorobyaninov: [Father Fyodor is on the top of a mountain, ripping a chair apart] It's very quiet... what do you supposed he's doing? Do you think he found the jewels?

Ostap Bender: In a moment, the jury will bring in a verdict.

[They wait]

Father Fyodor: Oh Lord, you're so strict!

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Father Fyodor: Oh Lord... oh Lord, if this is your pun... ish... ment...

[he realizes that he's trapped on top of a mountain with no way down]

Father Fyodor: How did I get here? There's no way down... there's absolutely no way down! I'm gonna need a great deal of help to get down!

[he sees Ostap and Vorobyaninov leaving]

Father Fyodor: Boys! Oh, boys! Yoo-hoo, Vorobyaninov! I have always liked you, you know that? We come from the same village. For twenty-five years, I have been your priest... oh, for Christ's sake, get me down!

[they walk away]

Father Fyodor: Get... me... down!

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Ostap Bender: Tell me... eh, what goes on in this great house?

Tikon: Mostly dying.

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Tikon: It's an old-age home for wery old ladies. They tippy-toe in, they have a little bowl of porridge and...

[he blows a raspberry]

Tikon: that's it.

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Tikon: [Ostap has just addressed him as "comrade"] Comrade! Comrade! Everybody calls me comrade! Everybody in the new Soviet Union is a comrade! People you don't know, strangers, everybody says comrade! Oh, I miss Russia!

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[last lines]

Ostap Bender: Epilepsy, my friends, epilepsy. The same disease that struck down our own beloved Dostoyevski. Give, give. From the bottom of your hearts.

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Ostap Bender: [lifting up his eye-patch to watch a pretty and well-stacked girl walk by] Now *there's* a healthy girl!

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Tikon: [to Ostap Bender] You're smart and you're gorgeous. You're okay!

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Father Fyodor: Oh, God! You're so strict!

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Father Fyodor: [to Engineer and Mrs. Bruns in Siberia, as he attempts to steal a chair and they attempt to throw him out] A memento of my visit to your lovely home!

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Ippolit Vorobyaninov: [referring to Father Fyodor's being in drag and trying to steal one of the chairs] This is disgusting!

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Father Fyodor: What detail. What fine workmanship. What a gorgeous chairrrrr!

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Ostap Bender: [He punches Vorobyaninov in the stomach after Vorobyaninov has slapped him] Parasite! Parasite, parasite! Disgusting, helpless, inept, bloodsucking parasite! Vorobyaninovs never beg? I begged all my life!

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Father Fyodor: [to Madam Bruns] My dear lady... don't you understand?

[he goes totally manic]

Father Fyodor: I need those chairs!

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Ostap Bender: [Father Fyodor has just handed supposed government official Ostap a pocket watch] Are you trying to bribe a Soviet official?

Father Fyodor: Oh, no, no, no, no, no... I was hoping for the best.

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Madam Bruns: [Father Fyodor is embracing Engineer Bruns' leg] Andrei, why is that man kissing your knee?

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Father Fyodor: [desperately trying to think of a motive to get the chairs from the Bruns] C'mon, brain!

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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