Author! Author! (1982)
Travalian: No ex-husband of Gloria's ever has to apologize to me about anything. We're like a little club.
Ivan: [from trailer] I had a lousy day today. I turned 42, I fired a director, I beat my kids...
[his children look up, clearly alarmed]
Ivan: I forgot to beat my kids!
[a family pillowfight ensues in the living room]
Ivan: I have done many terrible things in my life but I have never put another man's wife in my bed.
Larry Kotzwinkle: Wasn't she married to that Spanish painter when you slept with her?
Ivan: Don't prove me wrong, Larry, I hate it when I'm proven wrong.
Ivan: Eat it. It's healthy. You'll live longer.
Kreplich: I have a miserable life. I don't want to live longer.
Gloria Travalian: Ivan, I'm not leaving you for another man.
Travalian: Larry Kotzwinkle's not a man, he's a duck.
Ivan: [finding Alice at a table with three champagne flutes; a single aspirin is in front of each] Why all the champagne?
Alice: I need it to take the aspirin.
Ivan: Why do you need aspirin?
Alice: Oh, champagne gives me a headache.
Gloria Travalian: Larry is a wonderful man.
Ivan: I'm thrilled to hear this.
Gloria Travalian: Larry is a wonderful man, but he's not you.
Ivan: That's what I figured when he scratched his leg and I felt nothing. 'This man is not me.'
Gloria Travalian: [Snobs] How can you joke at a time like this?
Ivan: I joke, You snob. What difference does it make? We're both miserable.
Drug Dealer: You shove, shoot it, snort it. I gotta sell it.
Travalian: Look, my kid's in the business.
Bonnie: Oh good my cheesy I love my cheesy!
Ivan: Bonnie, act your age.
Bonnie: I'm eleven.
Ivan: Act it.
Bonnie: How the hell do you act eleven?
Ivan: That's better.
Gloria Travalian: Oh, Ivan. I'm hurting you.
Ivan: That's the kindest thing you've said to me in six months, "Oh, Ivan, I'm hurting you."
Seth Shapiro: [helping her on with her fur coat] What a fabulous look! What's it called?
Alice: Peach Divine.
Seth Shapiro: Is it edible?
Alice: Do you think he's bi-sexual?
Ivan: He never looked at a woman in his life!
Debbie: I'm never gonna get married. Not ever. Even if you paid me a hundred and fifty dollars.
Ivan: Okay, Gloria!
[picking up a table]
Ivan: Sit down or I'm gonna hit you with this chair!
Gloria Travalian: That's a table.
Gloria Travalian: You're at the goddamn typewriter 14 hours a day...
Ivan: I'M AT THE GODDAMN TYPEWRITER, GLORIA... BECAUSE I'M A GODDAMN WRITER, GLORIA!
Gloria Travalian: Larry and I are moving to the Good Harbor Beach Inn in Massachusetts. We've agreed to live there for a three month trial period and if it works, we'll be married on Larry's birthday in March.
Ivan: Okay... okay-I guess I'll be heading back to rehearsal. Enough taking time off from work for fun, huh? You can keep the night table, Gloria.
Gloria Travalian: No...
Ivan: I just wanna say that you are the craziest person I've met since the guy blocking the bank door. He was wearing a Superman cape and pantyhose... crazier than you... maybe not.