Wyatt Knight: Tommy
Pee Wee Morris : [to Tommy, about the normal-sized condom he was given] It's too big.
[Everybody else laughs]
Tommy Turner : Peewee, we don't have any training rubbers.
Mickey : He needs the junior size.
Brian Schwartz : [Seriously] Peewee, tie a knot in it.
Meat : [as Peewee is given another condom and he returns to the bus] Hey Peewee, what do you think this is? The return desk at Macys?
[in a high-pitched falsetto voice]
Tommy Turner : Hi I'm Paulie the Penis. And I just love to have fun. Ha Ha Ha.
Coach Brakett : [Walks up on the gang while Ted and Brian are away from the gang talking about his plan for revenge against Porky] Count me in.
Tommy Turner : [Sees him] You could get fired, Coach.
Coach Brakett : Are you kidding? I gotta be the worst coach that ever lived.
[They all laugh]
Coach Brakett : I'm long gone after this semester, anyway. And don't call me Coach anymore. Call me Roy. I'm only 23 for Christ sake.
Tommy Turner : You look much older.
Coach Brakett : Why don't you go and sit on a snake, Turner.
[Tommy laughs; Roy shows the kids a scar on his head]
Coach Brakett : You see this? Porky gave me that about 6 years ago. I always wanted a shot at that mutha. I'd feed him his nuts for lunch.
Tommy Turner : [to the rest of the guys at Cherry Forever's house] Okay, Cherry's ready. Everyone get their clothes off.
Tim : Wait. What's this bullshit?
Billy : She's got to make sure everybody clean. No VD.
Steve : How's she going to tell that by looking at us?
Tommy Turner : She's done this so many times, she's practically a doctor.
Tim : Yeah, and who's going to inspect her?
[murmurs of agreement from the rest of the guys]
Billy : Look, you guys want to get laid or have a debate?
Pee Wee Morris : Okay, I'm ready!
[they turn to see Pee-Wee wasted no time stripping down, then laughter of all kinds go through the crowd, which Pee-Wee ignores]
Pee Wee Morris : I'm gonna get laid. Yes, Virginia. There is a Santa Claus.
Tommy Turner : Porky is a badass redneck!
[the gang are at the Deadbeats drive-in restaurant getting their food and drinks]
Billy : The worst thing is you guys are out a hundred bucks.
Tommy Turner : This is just the kind of thing you write off.
Pee Wee Morris : [hands Tommy the receipt] Here you go.
Tommy Turner : Again?
Pee Wee Morris : I got it last time.
Tommy Turner : [pays the waitress] Great. Mick, I'm telling ya, they're bad mothers.
Mickey : I'm going back to get that pig.
Meat : Yeah right, Mick.
Mickey : [throws his hamburger in a fit] Yeah, Meat!
Sheriff Wallace : Well, it looks like to me we got five Angel Beach assholes here. Yes, sir. Five walkin' talkin' rectums.
[Sheriff chuckles; to Mickey]
Sheriff Wallace : Where's your car, boy?
Mickey : [points to his Ford pick-up truck] Right there.
Sheriff Wallace : You from Seward County?
Mickey : Yeah.
Sheriff Wallace : Well, I don't know much about the laws in Seward County, but we got laws here about driving with busted headlights.
Mickey : I don't have a busted headlight.
Sheriff Wallace : Don't have a busted headlight?
[the Sheriff smashes the right-side headlight of Mickey's truck; Porky and his goons laughs]
Mickey : [shocked] Shit!
Sheriff Wallace : That's a $35.00 fine. Thirty-five bucks or a night in jail!
Tommy Turner : I've got fifteen bucks.
Pee Wee Morris : I've got-I've got five.
Sheriff Wallace : You got five, you got fifteen, huh?
Meat : I've got twelve.
Tim : I think I got three.
Porky : [to his goons] Watch this.
[the Sheriff then smashes the rear right-side taillight]
Mickey : [grows angry] Goddamn it!
[Porky and his goons laughing]
Sheriff Wallace : You got a busted taillight, too. That's 20 more dollars. Can you cover it?
Mickey : I've got ten.
Sheriff Wallace : Give it to me! Give me all you got.
[the Sheriff starts collecting the boys money, but stops midway]
Sheriff Wallace : Well, I guess I can show a little leniency for first offenders. Whadaya say, Pork? Should I give these nice lads a break?
Porky : Oh, they seem like a nice bunch of clean-cut Angel Beach pussies. A little smelly. Yeah, give 'em a break.
Sheriff Wallace : You heard the man. You get your candy-asses back over to Seward County and you keep 'em there. This here's a "man's" county. Go on, get the fuck out. Go on. Go on!
[the boys pile up in Mickey's truck]
Sheriff Wallace : Go on. Here we go! Here we go! Goin' home now, ain't we?
Porky : [to his goons] I don't think they'll be comin' back. Let's go back inside and get some beer.
Ted Jarvis : [after watching Mickey get taken away in an ambulance] I'll see you guys later.
Tommy Turner : Hey Ted, we're going too.
Ted Jarvis : [Upon hearing this, he slams the door to his car and turns back to Tommy] No you're not! It's bad enough we have to go into their jurisdiction without having to add the charge of contributing to the delinquency of a minor!
Pee Wee Morris : But he...
Ted Jarvis : No "buts", Pee-Wee! I don't wanna see any of you boys get hurt.
Brian Schwartz : [Walks up] Nobody has to get hurt.
Ted Jarvis : What's that, Brian?
Brian Schwartz : Nobody has to get hurt, and your career doesn't have to be in jeopardy.
Ted Jarvis : Well, I'm all for that, Brian. What do you have in mind?
Brian Schwartz : It doesn't have to be tonight, right?
Ted Jarvis : Nope. It doesn't have to be tonight.
Brian Schwartz : Good.