Roger Wilson: Mickey
Pee Wee Morris : [to Tommy, about the normal-sized condom he was given] It's too big.
[Everybody else laughs]
Tommy Turner : Peewee, we don't have any training rubbers.
Mickey : He needs the junior size.
Brian Schwartz : [Seriously] Peewee, tie a knot in it.
Meat : [as Peewee is given another condom and he returns to the bus] Hey Peewee, what do you think this is? The return desk at Macys?
Mickey : Uh, barkeep, I'd like to speak with Porky.
Bartender : Porky's busy.
Mickey : Yeah, well he ain't too busy for what I want. I want to pay for some pussy.
Bartender : Pay me.
Mickey : [Firmly] I want to talk to Porky.
Bartender : [Shrugs] Okay, if that's what you want.
[Walks off laughing softly]
Mickey : [to the gang] See? You just got to show them who's boss.
Porky : [Coming down to the bar] Who's asking to see me?
Mickey : Mr. Porky, I am.
Porky : What do you want?
Mickey : Well, my friends and I would like to party with five of your girls upstairs in Porky's Pen.
Porky : You five of my piglets up in the pen? For how long?
Mickey : [Thinks a second] An hour.
Porky : A whole hour. What do you got to spend? Bottle caps?
Mickey : Hundred bucks!
Porky : Ooh. A hundred dollars, for five ladies.
Porky : Go home, snot nose.
Mickey : Porky, wait a minute.
Porky : [Turns back around] *Mister* Porky.
Mickey : Well, how many girls can we get for a hundred?
Porky : There's five of you, right?
[They all nod]
Porky : That's a lot of horny dicks. I'll let you have two girls for an hour, or three or a half-hour.
Mickey : That's all?
Porky : Hey, no one's forcing you, but it's a long ride back home and it's even longer with a hard on.
Mickey : Okay, okay, we'll take three for thirty minutes.
[the gang are at the Deadbeats drive-in restaurant getting their food and drinks]
Billy : The worst thing is you guys are out a hundred bucks.
Tommy Turner : This is just the kind of thing you write off.
Pee Wee Morris : [hands Tommy the receipt] Here you go.
Tommy Turner : Again?
Pee Wee Morris : I got it last time.
Tommy Turner : [pays the waitress] Great. Mick, I'm telling ya, they're bad mothers.
Mickey : I'm going back to get that pig.
Meat : Yeah right, Mick.
Mickey : [throws his hamburger in a fit] Yeah, Meat!
Sheriff Wallace : Well, it looks like to me we got five Angel Beach assholes here. Yes, sir. Five walkin' talkin' rectums.
[Sheriff chuckles; to Mickey]
Sheriff Wallace : Where's your car, boy?
Mickey : [points to his Ford pick-up truck] Right there.
Sheriff Wallace : You from Seward County?
Mickey : Yeah.
Sheriff Wallace : Well, I don't know much about the laws in Seward County, but we got laws here about driving with busted headlights.
Mickey : I don't have a busted headlight.
Sheriff Wallace : Don't have a busted headlight?
[the Sheriff smashes the right-side headlight of Mickey's truck; Porky and his goons laughs]
Mickey : [shocked] Shit!
Sheriff Wallace : That's a $35.00 fine. Thirty-five bucks or a night in jail!
Tommy Turner : I've got fifteen bucks.
Pee Wee Morris : I've got-I've got five.
Sheriff Wallace : You got five, you got fifteen, huh?
Meat : I've got twelve.
Tim : I think I got three.
Porky : [to his goons] Watch this.
[the Sheriff then smashes the rear right-side taillight]
Mickey : [grows angry] Goddamn it!
[Porky and his goons laughing]
Sheriff Wallace : You got a busted taillight, too. That's 20 more dollars. Can you cover it?
Mickey : I've got ten.
Sheriff Wallace : Give it to me! Give me all you got.
[the Sheriff starts collecting the boys money, but stops midway]
Sheriff Wallace : Well, I guess I can show a little leniency for first offenders. Whadaya say, Pork? Should I give these nice lads a break?
Porky : Oh, they seem like a nice bunch of clean-cut Angel Beach pussies. A little smelly. Yeah, give 'em a break.
Sheriff Wallace : You heard the man. You get your candy-asses back over to Seward County and you keep 'em there. This here's a "man's" county. Go on, get the fuck out. Go on. Go on!
[the boys pile up in Mickey's truck]
Sheriff Wallace : Go on. Here we go! Here we go! Goin' home now, ain't we?
Porky : [to his goons] I don't think they'll be comin' back. Let's go back inside and get some beer.
Porky : [as the pig mobile pulls up behind the tow truck and they all get out, to Ted] I want those mosey little mothas arrested, and I mean like right now! Those boys just destroyed my night club.
Ted Jarvis : How'd they do that?
Porky : They've been coming in the last couple of weeks.
Ted Jarvis : Which ones?
Porky : [Points to Tim then Mickey] This one, and that little bastard back there!
Ted Jarvis : [Points to them himself] You mean this sixteen year old and this seventeen year old youngster were frequenting your establishment?
Sheriff Wallace : [Butts in] They've been coming in before! This ain't the first time, especially that little sun-of-a-bitch...
Porky : [Stops him, now uneasy] Look, we may have made a mistake. They're obviously youngsters.
Sheriff Wallace : What are you talking about, Pork?
Porky : [Quietly, emphasizing] They're youngsters!
Sheriff Wallace : [to Ted] No, look! Those boys just destroyed my station house! Destroyed two of my cars! I want them booked on felony charges of destruction of private property, and assault and battery!
Ted Jarvis : Now hold on, Sheriff.
Sheriff Wallace : "Hold on", my ass!
Ted Jarvis : [Brandishing his rifle] You're in *my* county now! I wonder what I could book you for.
[Looks over the car, then breaks one of the headlights with the butt of his rifle]
Mickey : [as everyone cheers and laughs] Get him, brother!
Ted Jarvis : [to Porky] Broken headlight. That's a $50 fine in Seward County.
Porky : [Pulls a $50 bill from his wad of cash] Got that right here.
[Ted then cocks his rifle and shoots the left front tire of the car, Porky is then seen clearing out his ear, then quietly to his brother]
Porky : Damn!
Ted Jarvis : Blown tire.
Ted Jarvis : That's too bad.
[Everyone laughs, he then shoots the radiator and we hear the pig whistle horn die]
Ted Jarvis : Broken radiator. This car's a mess.
[More laughter from the crowd; he then reloads and aims at the hood ornament from his hip]
Meat : [Leading the cheers] Do it! Do it!
Porky : [Quietly throwing a fit] Daw shit!
Porky : Broken hood ornament. And questions?