4.9/10
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26 user 33 critic

Never Too Young to Die (1986)

A top secret Agent is murdered, so his estranged son, a high school gymnast, teams up with his dad's attractive female partner to stop the psychopathic hermaphroditic gang leader who killed him, and now plans a major terrorist attack.

Director:

Gil Bettman

Writers:

Steven Paul (story), Stuart Paul (story) | 2 more credits »
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Cast

Cast overview, first billed only:
John Stamos ... Lance Stargrove
Vanity ... Danja Deering
Gene Simmons ... Carruthers / Velvet Von Ragner
George Lazenby ... Drew Stargrove
Peter Kwong ... Cliff
Ed Brock Ed Brock ... Pyramid
John Anderson ... Arliss
Robert Englund ... Riley
Tara Buckman ... Sacrificed Punkette
Curtis Taylor ... Barton
Jon Greene Jon Greene ... Coach Madsen
Tim Colceri ... Grady
John Miranda ... Mr. Wilder
Patrick Wright ... Exploding Biker
Gary Kasper ... Wrestler (as Gary F. Kasper)
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Storyline

Velvet Von Ragner is a powerful murderous psychopathic gang leader, but also a hermaphrodite who prides himself of being both a man and a woman. He's holding a gang rally where he announces his plans to poison the water supply and pipeline of a major US city. However, top US secret agent and double O counterpart Drew Stargrove steals a key component he needs to pull this off. After an action packed shoot out, Stargrove is surrounded and although he puts up a good fight, he's eventually killed by Von Ragner. However, the component is not on him. Meanwhile, his estranged son Lance, a talented high school gymnast, receives the word of his father's death. As part of their denial protocol, the government claims that he's been killed in a car accident, which Lance doesn't buy. Lance notices that part of his inheritance is a farm he never knew his father had, so he goes there to check it out. The only person living there turns out to be Danja Deering, a beautiful female spy, who worked with ...

Plot Summary | Add Synopsis

Taglines:

Stargrove: the new American hero. See more »


Certificate:

R | See all certifications »
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Details

Country:

USA

Language:

English

Release Date:

17 July 1986 (West Germany) See more »

Also Known As:

Lance - Stirb niemals jung See more »

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Box Office

Budget:

$3,000,000 (estimated)
See more on IMDbPro »

Company Credits

Production Co:

Paul Entertainment See more »
Show more on IMDbPro »

Technical Specs

Runtime:

Sound Mix:

Dolby

Color:

Color (Metrocolor)

Aspect Ratio:

1.78 : 1
See full technical specs »
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Did You Know?

Trivia

Velvet Von Ragner's band in the club scene was made up of actual transvestites who gave Gene Simmons pointers on how to play Ragner. See more »

Quotes

Velvet Von Ragnar: [Ragnar has captured Drew after killing the spy's partner] ... A program disk was stolen from me, Stargrove. I believe you've got it.
Drew Stargrove: Come on. This is stupid.
Velvet Von Ragnar: You're right. It's VERY stupid. Assuming, of course, you want to see your son.
Drew Stargrove: What kind of designer-drug are you on? How is Lance mixed up in all this?
Velvet Von Ragnar: You know, oddly enough, I wasn't sure he WAS... until now.
Drew Stargrove: Lance doesn't have a clue about my work!
Velvet Von Ragnar: Nor did his mother, but that didn't save her.
Drew Stargrove: You're threatening to KILL Lance!
Velvet Von Ragnar: I'm not ...
[...]
See more »


Soundtracks

I'LL FIND YOU
Performed by Minor Messages
Produced by Iren Koster, Chip Taylor, Ralph Lane
Written by Chip Taylor, Ralph Lane, Michael Kingsley, and Iren Koster
1986 Paul Music
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Frequently Asked Questions

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User Reviews

 
On the eighth day, God created this movie...
13 March 2014 | by utgard14See all my reviews

This has to be seen to be believed. John Stamos plays college gymnast Lance Stargrove whose father is a super spy that still finds time to send him care packages. When Dad is killed by hermaphrodite Velvet Von Ragnar (Gene Simmons), Stargrove teams with sexy spy Danja Deering (Vanity) to get revenge. Oh yeah, Simmons wants to poison the water supply with radioactive waste or something.

Stamos brings perfect hair to his role, which is the most important thing. There are lots of scenes of him doing gymnastics. Perhaps the director was a fan of '80s classic Gymkata. He also rides a dirt bike because in the '80s dirt bikes were cool. One of the many highlights of the movie is when Stamos is being beaten up by two of Simmons' thugs. He is crying like a little baby but then he sees a picture of his dad. Suddenly he's like Popeye on a spinach high and he kicks the crap out of the bad guys ("The name's not scumbag, it's Stargrove! Lance Stargrove!").

Vanity is a stone fox, as usual. She also has a nude scene, as usual. Her seduction of John Stamos I will mock publicly but privately I thought it was hot! Gene Simmons is gross to look at dressed in drag but a hoot hamming it up as the super villain. Seeing him flirt with Stamos is priceless. He also likes to use his middle finger for...well, I won't spoil it. There's an Asian inventor friend of Stamos' who, at one point in the film, wears an outfit that is practically every color known to man. George Lazenby plays the spy dad. I'm sure some casting director beamed from ear to ear over that ingenious casting. He dresses like a Ghost Buster and uses a bulletproof umbrella as a shield. In a scene that I'm certain was the actor breaking the fourth wall, Lazenby says to Simmons "Oh come on, this is stupid."

The movie is filled with laughably cheesy music. The song that plays during Stamos' first scene keeps repeating his character's name "Stargrove" over and over. Simmons gets to sing during his club routine ("Yeeeah!"). There's also a rather cheesetastic tune that plays leading up to Stamos taking Vanity to Pound Town.

This is the kind of movie you just don't see anymore. These days when they try to do trash like this, it's always so self-aware and obvious that it takes the fun out of it. Truly "so-bad-it's-good" flicks don't try to be bad on purpose. If you ever wondered what Uncle Jesse did before Full House, all your questions will be answered here. This movie is so awesome it will change your life. If you watch this, it will make a man out of you. So female viewers beware.


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