Running Scared (1986)
Billy Crystal: Danny Costanzo
Danny Costanzo : [on car phone, in strange voice] Uh, hello? Can I talk to Detective Sigliano and Detective Montoya pleeeassse? My name is Pinky, is this the detective? Hi, I usually inform for Hughes and Costanzo but they don' pay me no mo'... Oh, no! Oh, I'm watching the new "Jeopardy!" and a man missed a Bible question because he did not know what Deuteronomy waaaas! Oh yeah, I'll help you. I want you to get Gonzales and show up Hughes and Costanzo, they don't pay me no mo' and I'm maaaddd! Oh, no! Ya dummy, the answer is ipswich clams! The man who can take you to Gonzales, his name is Adam Robertson. He's a high-fallutin' lawyer type who lives at 1358 Lake Shore Drive. Oh, Motha! Motha! Can I have some more petite marshmallows in my hot cocoa... Gotta go, Final Jeopardy's on!
Danny Costanzo : Excuse me, we're from Noisebusters. Do you know where the Menudo concert is?
Danny Costanzo : [points his gun at the thug threatening Hughes] Hablo, Smith and Wesson? You have the right to remain DEAD. Anything you do will be used against you. You have the right to a CORONER. If you cannot afford one, we will appoint a medical examiner for you.
Captain Logan : You're gonna what?
Danny Costanzo : Quit. Leave. Depart. Vamoose. Amscray.
Ray Hughes : Retire! This is our official 30 day notice.
Captain Logan : Let me tell you something. When you've been cops this long, you are not fit for anything else. What are you gonna do, open a bar?
Ray Hughes : [gives Danny a sidelong glance] We're looking for some new career challenges.
Danny Costanzo : Yeah, something with a future.
Captain Logan : Show me another career they let you shoot people.
Danny Costanzo : [Having learned his ex-wife will marry a dentist] Do they play the same music at home that they play in the office?
Danny Costanzo : [Bullets bounce off the windows of the custom car] It works! It's really bullet-proof!
Sister Rebecca : Thank you, Lord!
Ray Hughes : Thank you Ace!
Danny Costanzo : [to Julio] *Nothing*!
[makes faces at him, then tries to roll the window down]
Danny Costanzo : The windows won't roll down!
Ray Hughes : You asshole Ace!
Danny Costanzo : [to priest and nun after hair-raising cab ride] Hey father, you and your wife owe me 28.50.
Danny Costanzo : If you hurt that lady, you'll never be dead enough.
Captain Logan : You had to be rescued like a couple of rookies. Maybe you need a rest.
Ray Hughes : We don't need a rest.
Captain Logan : Well, I need a rest from you. I'm approving your request for vacation.
Danny Costanzo : No! We got too much goin' on!
Captain Logan : [chuckles] You know, it's a very bad sign when a cop thinks that Chicago will fall apart without him. You're on vacation, effective now.
Ray Hughes : We're not goin'!
Captain Logan : Let me tell you something. If I find you in the city, I'm gonna have you arrested. If you step one foot in this station house, I'm gonna have you shot.
Ray Hughes : [finds Gonzales hiding under a tarp] You're under arrest! You know the routine.
[Gonzales stays quiet]
Danny Costanzo : Very good. You have the right to remain silent. Now what else?
Ray Hughes : [punches Gonzales in the stomach] WHAT ELSE!
Danny Costanzo : [growls angrily] Anything I say may be used against me in a court of law.
Danny Costanzo : That's two, you're doing great. Now what's next?
Julio Gonzales : I have the right to an attorney. If I cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed to me by the court.
Ray Hughes : Yeah! Yeah. Now do you understand these rights you just explained to us?
Julio Gonzales : Oh yeah.
Danny Costanzo : It is such a pleasure to deal with professionals. Refreshing.
Julio Gonzales : You gonna die for this!
Ray Hughes : I can feel the tension in the air!
Danny Costanzo : [Danny is shot by Detective Montoya] If it's bad, you go to Florida without me.
Ray Hughes : You're all right.
Danny Costanzo : Just promise me you'll go without me!
Ray Hughes : OK OK! I promise, I'll go without you.
Danny Costanzo : [shocked] You'd go without me?
Ray Hughes : You just ASKED me to...
Danny Costanzo : WITHOUT ME? You son of a bitch! Where's my gun? I'll kill you first!
Ray Hughes : [long pause] Feeling better?
Danny Costanzo : [sees the bullet didn't penetrate] Must be the vest.
Danny Costanzo : [stopped two robbers by shooting their car] I can't believe that you missed all six shots.
Ray Hughes : What are you talking about? I hit the wind shield six times in a row!
Danny Costanzo : Uh, excuse me sir. All six of mine hit. I don't know where the hell you were aiming. I'm the one that made them swerve.
Ray Hughes : Oh you made him swerve? You always aim low anyway!
Danny Costanzo : Oh let's do height jokes Ray. That's really good.
Ray Hughes : Look at that sunset!
Danny Costanzo : It's incredible. Just incredible.
Ray Hughes : I'll tell you... I never wanna leave.
Danny Costanzo : We can come back.
Ray Hughes : We will. Next year's vacations.
Danny Costanzo : I mean for good. We can move down here.
Ray Hughes : No, being a cop down here wouldn't be the same.
Danny Costanzo : I don't mean being a cop. I mean to quit, retire, be a regular person.
Ray Hughes : Regular people suck!
Danny Costanzo : Maybe, but they hardly ever get shot.
Captain Logan : Your pal Gonzales is back on the street.
Danny Costanzo : What?
Captain Logan : He made bail. And if he gets the right lawyer, he probably is gonna go free. Right now, he's a private citizen, just like you two wanna be.
Ray Hughes : Private citizen? The man shot Snake in front of four police officers!
Captain Logan : You witnessed him pull the trigger?
Captain Logan : You two may be quitting too late instead of too early. I have seen it before: short timers' disease. You're already looking forward to the good times. You're getting careful, aren't you?
Ray Hughes : We are not!
Danny Costanzo : What's wrong with being careful?
Captain Logan : Careful gets you killed in this line of work. You think about getting shot and you get shot.
[Gonzales has taken Danny's ex-wife Anna hostage to force Danny to trade her for his confiscated drug shipment at the State building]
Danny Costanzo : I'll take the bag in, but they'll be watching every door for you.
Ray Hughes : I'll be there.
Danny Costanzo : We're treating this like any other bust, right?
Ray Hughes : [smiling] Yeah. Just don't be careful.
Danny Costanzo : Hey, you neither!
Danny Costanzo : Look, Snake. From here, the angle of trajectory - Oh, great. Look who I'm talking to. Mr. S.A.T.'s.
Danny Costanzo : Excuse me!
[Danny's target turns to face him and is promptly shot by Danny]
Danny Costanzo : [unable to arrest Snake] This block is being designated a Neighborhood Watch Area. There's a guy up here named Snake. He's wearing garage-sale clothes and the top of his head looks like a parakeet. He also has FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS in small bills in a briefcase. As his neighbors, it is your responsibility to make sure there are no suspicious characters or evil perpetrators lurking in the area who would seek to do him harm. Again, FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS in small bills, tax free, in a briefcase right in this apartment. Which has a really cheeseball lock! You can bust your way in there, bop him on the head, take the money, nobody would know! So it's UP TO YOU. Thanks a lot, have a good day.
Ray Hughes : [Danny and Ray are driving around in Gonzales' stolen Mercedes. The car's cell phone rings, and Ray answers it] Hello? Hola! Julio!
Danny Costanzo : Tell him I said hello.
Ray Hughes : We've been lookin' all over for you, man! Uh, donde esta? Julio... Jul...
[takes the phone away from his ear]
Ray Hughes : He's very excited. Something about his car being stolen.
Danny Costanzo : His car was stolen?
Ray Hughes : I guess so.
[Back into the phone]
Ray Hughes : Jul... Julio look, you wanna file a report, amigo? Huh?
Ray Hughes : You didn't tell him I said hello!
Danny Costanzo : I tried to! He hung up on me!
[Having just arrived to Key West, Florida, Danny and Ray see a crowd of people gathered at the docks]
Danny Costanzo : What's going on? What happened?
Ray Hughes : I don't know. Maybe a ship sank.
Danny Costanzo : Somebody drown?
Julie : We're watching the sunset.
Ray Hughes : Yeah, right.
Danny Costanzo : Really, what happened?
Julie : The sun is setting, can't you see it?
Ray Hughes : Don't give us that, the sun sets every night!
Julie : Yeah, and we come out every night to watch it. Isn't it beautiful?
Danny Costanzo : [to Ray] Maybe we should check this out.
Ray Hughes : Yeah, well, it better be good.
Det. Frank Sigliano : Hey we got ours, where are yours?
Ray Hughes : You shot my partner!
Det. Frank Sigliano : Hey! The man looks fine to me.
Danny Costanzo : No thanks to you two!
Det. Tony Montoya : If you weren't so damn so you mighta shot me first.
Danny Costanzo : You call that shooting? Point blank range and I'm still here.
Det. Tony Montoya : Ok well let's not make a big deal out of it, you're upsetting the prisoners.
Ray Hughes : Why should they be upset, you don't shoot them!