The Kids in the Hall (1988–1994)
Mark McKinney: Various Characters, Various, Lanky Dean
Mark : [Mark and Scott dressed as cowboys walk into a bar] Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep.
Scott : Yeeeeeeeeep.
[Scott reaches into his vest and pulls out a wad of cash]
Mark : Ladies and gentlemen!
Mark : He's gonna give away a thousand dollars! Someone's gonna get a thousand dollars! Who d'ya think's gonna get a thousand dollars?
[shuffling toward people and pointing at them]
Mark : Could be you or it could be you 'cause... Someone's gonna get a thousand dollars! Who d'ya think's gonna get a thousand dollars? He's gonna give away a thousand dollars!
Scott : [Scott moves towards Bruce, who is seated at a table and points at him] Yep!
Mark : [singing once again] You're gonna get a thousand dollars!
[Scott gives Bruce the cash]
Mark : He just gave you a thousand dollars! Count it up!
Bruce : Thanks!
Mark : Yep. Yep. Yep.
Scott : [Scott reaches into his vest once again, but this time pulls out his fist, clenched]
Mark : [singing] Someone's gonna get a punch in the head! Who d'ya thinks gonna get a punch in the head?
Rick Metheral : I believe the aliens are here to collect decorative spoons. My own store has been visited three times by three separate groups of aliens, and each time, although they initially expressed a lot of interest in the beer mug shaped like a tit, their only purchase was the Stevenville commemorative spoon. In fact, the last group complained, quite tellingly, I think. They said, "Why don't you have a spoon that just says 'Earth?' It would save time."
Silvee : What's wrong, my Michelle?
Michelle : Oh, Silvee, I can't stop thinking about Tony, wondering where he could be, who he is with, what is he thinking, is he thinking of me, and whether he'll ever return someday.
Silvee : Oh, Michelle.
Michelle : Hmmm?
Silvee : You have to stop lying awake wondering about Tony, wondering where he is, who he could be with, what he's thinking, if he's thinking of you, and whether he'll ever return one day.
Michelle : Oh.
Man : Upstairs we are having a fabulous party, but we've run out of wine. So I am forced to borrow a bottle of yours. My God, it stinks in here! It stinks of stupid women wondering about Tony, wondering where he could be, who he is with, what he's thinking, whether he's thinking of you, and whether he'll ever return someday.
Darrill : Now that that's done, let's turn our attention back to the lovers. Now, when I brought in the canvas from the storeroom today, Martin, our cameraman, remarked that he thought the lovers looked... well, how did you put it, Martin?
Martin : I said I thought they were fags.
Darrill : I think what he meant is vague. And I agree. So, let's give them something, shall we? Now if you remember all great paintings have an element of tragedy to them. Uh, for instance if you remember from last week, the unicorn was stuck on the aircraft carrier and couldn't get off. That was very sad. Uh... and this week some of you wrote in with your suggestions. In fact, Mrs. Trabinsky of Paulvale Street wrote in and suggested we give this lover a tumor in his head. So, let's begin! Now color is especially important with a tumor. You want some red, and you want some green, and you want a little bit of blue to make it out... There. Can you see that? That's a really nice color for a tumor, isn't it?
Darrill : There's a kangaroo on my balcony, I wish he'd go away!
The Emperor of Japan : And that is why all the robots cry...
The Emperor of Japan : HAIKU!
Defendant : The jury! It's made up entirely of my ex-girlfriends.
Lawyer : Oh God.
Defendant : I mean, when they were selected, didn't you think to ask them "Were you ever fucked over by the Accused"?
Lawyer : No, how could I know?
Judge : All rise. The Accused is charged with being an asshole on more than one occasion. How do you plead?
Lawyer : Guilty, your Honour.
Defendant : But with various good excuses. No, really!
"Don't Underestimate the Power of my Monkeys" Guy's Manservant : EVERYTHING he says... IS TRUE!
Shona : Better yet let us kill him!
Ozone : Yes! NO! Let us not forget why we are here! To free George the Baboon from the tyranny of the Shampoo and Lipstick Overlords! Alive! Ho!
[They run in and out]
Shona : Did you see the size of his ass? A Baboon is like all ass!
Ozone : Can you not see his striped ass as the American Flag?
Shona : Then I would want to burn it!
Ozone : Then I shall go alone, as I did unto SeaWorld.
[Runs in and out]
Ozone : He was playing with himself.
Shona : Isn't that just like a man! Look, that cat is overfed! Let us free it and put it on a diet.
Mark : I'm crushing your head, I'm crushing your head. Hang on.
Kevin : I'm Pinching your Face! I'm Pinching your Face!
Mark : What's this? What are you doing?
Kevin : I'm Pinching Faces! It's a game with people that, thankyou, I invented!
Mark : I know what you're doing, and you're doing it on my turf!
The Emperor of Japan : My Big Feet: My Feet are Big. Really, really, really big...