Weekend at Bernie's (1989)
Jonathan Silverman: Richard Parker
Richard Parker : [at Bernie's beach house] Now all of this could be yours, Lar, if you set your goals and work hard.
Larry Wilson : My old man worked hard. All they did was give him more work. Ah!
Tawny : [appears in a bikini] Bernie?
[to Larry & Richard]
Tawny : Hi! Is Bernie around?
Larry Wilson : Hello. No, we haven't seen him, but we just got here. We're gonna be here all weekend. We're house-guests.
Tawny : [grabs the keys to Bernie's boat] Well, tell him Tawny borrowed his boat to go skiing.
Larry Wilson : Hi, Tawny. I'm horny.
Tawny : Oh, Hi. Look, don't forget to tell Bernie, okay?
Richard Parker : Okay.
Richard Parker : Uh, Tawny, you wouldn't happen to know where Bernie is, would ya?
Tawny : Oh, he's probably making the rounds. Everybody parties from house to house, but they always end up here sooner or later. Bye!
[Tawny runs off]
Larry Wilson : And you didn't wanna come.
Richard Parker : I was wrong. I admit it, I was wrong.
Richard Parker : This is the note. Listen. "Richard Parker and I stole this money from the company to pay for my sex-change operation."
Larry Wilson : What?
Richard Parker : That's what it says.
Larry Wilson : "Now he tells me he loves someone else. I can't live with that, and niether will he." It's got my name written on it!
Richard Parker : Oh God.
Larry Wilson : Son of a bitch. I mean, it's not bad enough that he's trying to kill me. Now he's trying to turn me into a drag queen. Why couldn't he have said you were going to have the operation?
Richard Parker : It doesn't matter, Larry, it doesn't matter.
Larry Wilson : Oh, yes it does matter, Richard, it does matter. I have a reputation to protect here!
Richard Parker : For Christ's sake, Larry! No one is going to have a sex-change operation, huh?
Larry Wilson : Oh yeah. I've gotta call the cops!
Larry Wilson : [Paulie enters the beach house and shoots Bernie] Company...
Richard Parker : I didn't see anything. I was looking at my watch.
Larry Wilson : [closes eyes and waves hands] I'm blind!
[Paulie, unconvinced, points his gun at Richard and Larry. Gwen gasps as Paulie pulls the trigger, but the chamber is empty]
Larry Wilson : It's empty.
Paulie, Vito's Hit Man : That's right.
[opens up jacket, revealing another gun]
Paulie, Vito's Hit Man : But this ain't!
Larry Wilson : I have an idea!
Richard Parker : [shouting] What? What is it?
Larry Wilson : Lomax told whoever he was talking to not to kill us while he's around.
Richard Parker : Yes, but Bernie's dead. He's not around anymore.
Larry Wilson : Yeah. I know that. You know that. Nobody else knows that.
Gwen Saunders : Richard, just tell me what is going on!
Larry Wilson : [comes down the stairs, dragging Bernie's body by the leg] Look honey, Bernie's dead, they guys that killed 'em are now after us, can we hide out at your place or what?
[throws down Bernie's leg as he reaches the bottom of the staircase]
Larry Wilson : .
Gwen Saunders : [eyes as big as golf balls]
Larry Wilson : [sees Gwen's horrified expression, holds up Bernie's head] It's just Bernie!
[bangs Bernie's head against the stair support railing]
Gwen Saunders : [covers her mouth quietly screaming in a high pitched squeal] Aaaaah! Aaaah!
Richard Parker : Gwen, we didn't do this to him!
[Gwen, mouth still covered, begins looking wildly back and forth between Richard and Larry, slowly shaking her head and backing away]
Richard Parker : Look at us! Do we look like the kind of people who could kill someone?
Larry Wilson : [handing Gwen a drink] Come on, honey, sit down, take a load off, have a drink, you'll be fine!
Richard Parker : Let me rephrase that! Do *I* look like the kind of person that could kill someone?
Gwen Saunders : [whispering] Richard! Richard, there's a man... in his underwear... in your kitchen.
Richard Parker : [whispering] It's ok. He's with me. He's my, um... my butler.
Gwen Saunders : You have a butler?
Richard Parker : Yeah, it's okay, shh... he'll go away.
Jack Parker, Richard's Dad : [walks back from the kitchen, spots Richard and Gwen on the couch] Oh. Oh! I didn't realize you had company. Good evening, young lady.
Richard Parker : That's all right, Monroe. Yes, would you just go lay out my blue pinstripe for the morning?
Jack Parker, Richard's Dad : How about if I lay you out?
Richard Parker : Very well.
Larry Wilson : And... I lose again.
Richard Parker : I won. Lar, I have a date.
Larry Wilson : You're kidding?
Richard Parker : No. Gwen and I, Thursday night, 8:00pm, dinner!
Larry Wilson : Fabulous!
[Larry high-fives Richard]
Richard Parker : It was the clumsy approach. It worked.
Larry Wilson : You're gonna wanna borrow my apartment.
Richard Parker : Oh no, but thank you. That's sweet, but I can't do that to you. Thank you.
Larry Wilson : Rich, if she finds out you live with your folks, you're gonna embarrass yourself.
Richard Parker : Yeah. Yeah, I know. But I can't do that to you, Larry.
Larry Wilson : It's the coackroaches isn't it?
Richard Parker : Well...
Larry Wilson : They scatter when the light goes on.
[the first "killer" enters opens the front door with Richard standing behind it with a fire log]
Beach Bum : You in here, Lomax, you little bastard?
[Richard swings, but misses when the bum turns his head]
Beach Bum : You jerk?
[He swings again, but misses again... ]
Beach Bum : Kick me in the ass. It's my turn now.
[... before finally whacking the bum's head, knocking him unconscious]
Richard Parker : Got him, Lar.
Larry Wilson : [at the office on a hot Sunday] Let's go to the beach.
Richard Parker : No.
Larry Wilson : We're gonna be here our whole lives.
Richard Parker : Yeah, I'm afraid so.
Larry Wilson : [grabs Richard's papers] I'm going to the beach.
Richard Parker : What are you doing-What are you doing? Gimme those papers.
Larry Wilson : These papers are going to the beach!
Richard Parker : We are not going to the beach.
Larry Wilson : Want these? They're coming to the beach.
Richard Parker : [mumbles] Yes, we're going to the beach.
Larry Wilson : Wilson at the five! Oh, that was beautiful! Replay!
[Richard chases Larry, who runs for the elevator]
Richard Parker : [yells] Gimme those papers!
Richard Parker : Paddling... In the Atlantic Ocean... On a dead body. This is now the perfect weekend. It started when I almost broke my leg jumping on a moving ferry. I get to this beautiful beech and my host... Sorry! He's dead! I fell down a lighthouse. I had a corpse wash up next to me on the shore. I then I find out that my dead boss? He's not only a thief; he wants to kill me! I almost drown. The girl of my dreams now thinks I'm a raving lunatic. And now we're going back to the house of death.
Larry Wilson : Great weekend, huh?
Richard Parker : Great weekend!