Weekend at Bernie's (1989) Poster

Jonathan Silverman: Richard Parker



  • Richard Parker : [at Bernie's beach house]  Now all of this could be yours, Lar, if you set your goals and work hard.

    Larry Wilson : My old man worked hard. All they did was give him more work. Ah!

    Tawny : [appears in a bikini]  Bernie?

    [to Larry & Richard] 

    Tawny : Hi! Is Bernie around?

    Larry Wilson : Hello. No, we haven't seen him, but we just got here. We're gonna be here all weekend. We're house-guests.

    Tawny : [grabs the keys to Bernie's boat]  Well, tell him Tawny borrowed his boat to go skiing.

    Larry Wilson : Hi, Tawny. I'm horny.

    Tawny : Oh, Hi. Look, don't forget to tell Bernie, okay?

    Richard Parker : Okay.

    Richard Parker : Uh, Tawny, you wouldn't happen to know where Bernie is, would ya?

    Tawny : Oh, he's probably making the rounds. Everybody parties from house to house, but they always end up here sooner or later. Bye!

    [Tawny runs off] 

    Larry Wilson : And you didn't wanna come.

    Richard Parker : I was wrong. I admit it, I was wrong.

  • Richard Parker : This is the note. Listen. "Richard Parker and I stole this money from the company to pay for my sex-change operation."

    Larry Wilson : What?

    Richard Parker : That's what it says.

    Larry Wilson : "Now he tells me he loves someone else. I can't live with that, and niether will he." It's got my name written on it!

    Richard Parker : Oh God.

    Larry Wilson : Son of a bitch. I mean, it's not bad enough that he's trying to kill me. Now he's trying to turn me into a drag queen. Why couldn't he have said you were going to have the operation?

    Richard Parker : It doesn't matter, Larry, it doesn't matter.

    Larry Wilson : Oh, yes it does matter, Richard, it does matter. I have a reputation to protect here!

    Richard Parker : For Christ's sake, Larry! No one is going to have a sex-change operation, huh?

    Larry Wilson : Oh yeah. I've gotta call the cops!

  • Larry Wilson : [Paulie enters the beach house and shoots Bernie]  Company...

    Richard Parker : I didn't see anything. I was looking at my watch.

    Larry Wilson : [closes eyes and waves hands]  I'm blind!

    [Paulie, unconvinced, points his gun at Richard and Larry. Gwen gasps as Paulie pulls the trigger, but the chamber is empty] 

    Larry Wilson : It's empty.

    Paulie, Vito's Hit Man : That's right.

    [opens up jacket, revealing another gun] 

    Paulie, Vito's Hit Man : But this ain't!

  • Larry Wilson : I have an idea!

    Richard Parker : [shouting]  What? What is it?

    Larry Wilson : Lomax told whoever he was talking to not to kill us while he's around.

    Richard Parker : Yes, but Bernie's dead. He's not around anymore.

    Larry Wilson : Yeah. I know that. You know that. Nobody else knows that.

  • Larry Wilson : [on the rooftop of Larry's father's apartment]  You think it's safe to go in the water?

    Richard Parker : Nah, better not. You just ate. You might get cramps.

    Larry Wilson : I'll risk it.

  • Gwen Saunders : Richard, just tell me what is going on!

    Larry Wilson : [comes down the stairs, dragging Bernie's body by the leg]  Look honey, Bernie's dead, they guys that killed 'em are now after us, can we hide out at your place or what?

    [throws down Bernie's leg as he reaches the bottom of the staircase] 

    Larry Wilson : .

    Gwen Saunders : [eyes as big as golf balls] 

    Larry Wilson : [sees Gwen's horrified expression, holds up Bernie's head]  It's just Bernie!

    [bangs Bernie's head against the stair support railing] 

    Gwen Saunders : [covers her mouth quietly screaming in a high pitched squeal]  Aaaaah! Aaaah!

    Richard Parker : Gwen, we didn't do this to him!

    [Gwen, mouth still covered, begins looking wildly back and forth between Richard and Larry, slowly shaking her head and backing away] 

    Richard Parker : Look at us! Do we look like the kind of people who could kill someone?

    Larry Wilson : [handing Gwen a drink]  Come on, honey, sit down, take a load off, have a drink, you'll be fine!

    Richard Parker : Let me rephrase that! Do *I* look like the kind of person that could kill someone?

  • Gwen Saunders : [whispering]  Richard! Richard, there's a man... in his underwear... in your kitchen.

    Richard Parker : [whispering]  It's ok. He's with me. He's my, um... my butler.

    Gwen Saunders : You have a butler?

    Richard Parker : Yeah, it's okay, shh... he'll go away.

    Jack Parker, Richard's Dad : [walks back from the kitchen, spots Richard and Gwen on the couch]  Oh. Oh! I didn't realize you had company. Good evening, young lady.

    Richard Parker : That's all right, Monroe. Yes, would you just go lay out my blue pinstripe for the morning?

    Jack Parker, Richard's Dad : How about if I lay you out?

    Richard Parker : Very well.

  • Richard Parker : Well, you're a half hour late.

    Larry Wilson : Only half hour? I'm usually forty-five minutes late. I'm early today.

  • Larry Wilson : God, that guy; beautiful apartment, house at the beach, babes, boat, car. Do you know how much it costs to park a car in Manhattan every month? More than my rent.

    Richard Parker : Well, I mean it's only fair. His car is a bit bigger than your apartment.

  • Larry Wilson : And... I lose again.

    Richard Parker : I won. Lar, I have a date.

    Larry Wilson : You're kidding?

    Richard Parker : No. Gwen and I, Thursday night, 8:00pm, dinner!

    Larry Wilson : Fabulous!

    [Larry high-fives Richard] 

    Richard Parker : It was the clumsy approach. It worked.

    Larry Wilson : You're gonna wanna borrow my apartment.

    Richard Parker : Oh no, but thank you. That's sweet, but I can't do that to you. Thank you.

    Larry Wilson : Rich, if she finds out you live with your folks, you're gonna embarrass yourself.

    Richard Parker : Yeah. Yeah, I know. But I can't do that to you, Larry.

    Larry Wilson : It's the coackroaches isn't it?

    Richard Parker : Well...

    Larry Wilson : They scatter when the light goes on.

  • Richard Parker : Bernie is waiting for us!

    Larry Wilson : Look, Bernie isn't going anywhere!

  • [the first "killer" enters opens the front door with Richard standing behind it with a fire log] 

    Beach Bum : You in here, Lomax, you little bastard?

    [Richard swings, but misses when the bum turns his head] 

    Beach Bum : You jerk?

    [He swings again, but misses again... ] 

    Beach Bum : Kick me in the ass. It's my turn now.

    [... before finally whacking the bum's head, knocking him unconscious] 

    Richard Parker : Got him, Lar.

  • Larry Wilson : [at the office on a hot Sunday]  Let's go to the beach.

    Richard Parker : No.

    Larry Wilson : We're gonna be here our whole lives.

    Richard Parker : Yeah, I'm afraid so.

    Larry Wilson : [grabs Richard's papers]  I'm going to the beach.

    Richard Parker : What are you doing-What are you doing? Gimme those papers.

    Larry Wilson : These papers are going to the beach!

    Richard Parker : We are not going to the beach.

    Larry Wilson : Want these? They're coming to the beach.

    Richard Parker : [mumbles]  Yes, we're going to the beach.

    Larry Wilson : Wilson at the five! Oh, that was beautiful! Replay!

    [Richard chases Larry, who runs for the elevator] 

    Richard Parker : [yells]  Gimme those papers!

  • Richard Parker : Paddling... In the Atlantic Ocean... On a dead body. This is now the perfect weekend. It started when I almost broke my leg jumping on a moving ferry. I get to this beautiful beech and my host... Sorry! He's dead! I fell down a lighthouse. I had a corpse wash up next to me on the shore. I then I find out that my dead boss? He's not only a thief; he wants to kill me! I almost drown. The girl of my dreams now thinks I'm a raving lunatic. And now we're going back to the house of death.

    Larry Wilson : Great weekend, huh?

    Richard Parker : Great weekend!

See also

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