Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe (1990) Poster

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10/10
Sven-Ole or Arnold? Doesn't matter! Bring him the comater!
KnatLouie22 March 2005
I have to say that this is one of my all-time favorite movies, and no, I am not crazy. I just have a fondness for bad movies and bad actors. This movie has it all! My 10 stars come from this:

1: A Bad Guy who's more sympathetic than the hero. I rooted for Secundus throughout the movie, he's the most interesting character of the two, Abraxas is just boring and has a really nasty skullet; is he bald or does he have a ponytail? Neither, he has both! Secundus has a cool beard and a huge scar across his face, making him look really tough! Plus he doesn't whimper and flutter around when he gets hurt like Abraxas does..especially when timetravelling through water!

2: The totally incomprehensible plot. The Comater? Sargacia? Finders? Anti-Life Equation? Volted T-Squared? Pla-steel? Answerboxes?? I need to find the comater, he must have the answers to all of this..

3: A totally redundant cameo from a 'big name' actor. James "Jim" Belushi appearing as the seemingly VERY incompetent principal, who doesn't understand children at all. Looks like the scene was a late write-in to give Marjorie Bransfield at least one good actor to work with - that is, her own husband at the time..

4: Excruciatingly bad and misplaced music. Soft saxophone music playing when the two men are fighting?? A 'happy tune' taken straight from "Manhunter" playing during the final showdown?? This movie would work much better with 'real' movie music, or at least a heavy metal-soundtrack! Carlos Lopes must die! Or at least get fired and sued for impersonating Kenny G.

5: A cover which has almost nothing to do with the movie. Space? Universe?? It's more like a snowy forest on earth most of the time, the only things 'space-like' is the two Brad Dourif look-a-likes in a cheesy 'space-station' talking about all this weird stuff no one understands anyway.(That's a cameo by the movie's director/Writer, Damien Lee as one of them, by the way).

6: Hilariously awful dialogue. Especially from Sven, who wrote it? I don't understand some of his lines, we need a subtitled version out there! "The anti-life equation is tantamount to magic. It would make me a GOD, anything less is death!" and "Looks like they lined your skull with pla-steel" - what's THAT supposed to mean?? "Have a nice day!"

7: Flaws and plot holes by the dozen. Where did Carl, Sonias boyfriend go? Where did the UZI come from? And how come Secundus couldn't find any use for it? Why did Secundus go to a strip-club? How come he eats, and Abraxas doesn't? Did the Camper dad get his 4x4 back? Does anyone care? Why is there three narrators (Abraxas, Secundus and Sonia)? Why does Abraxas scream and flutter when he arrives in the water, when Secundus doesn't even flinch? Does a 'Life-Equation' exist as well? How did Sonia give birth to Tommy with her pants still on? How come she got pregnant just by being touched by Secundus? Where did the principal go when the school was being evacuated? How come the school-bully can have such an ugly mullet, and still look cool to the other kids? How does the answer-box know if a person contains the anti-life equation, even before the test has been run? Why do people "discorporate" when the test is being run on them? Etc etc.

8: JESSE "THE BODY" VENTURA (almost) NAKED in front of a kid! He's sitting in a bed, showing his rugged chest-wig, and talking about "two men who were once partners, and now find it very hard" etc...It was supposed to have been touching and emotional, but mostly comes out as being creepy and yet, very amusing. His box has VD, that means no touching it!

9: SVEN-OLE "SVEN" THORSEN (almost) getting an Oscar-nomination with the performance of his life! His acting in this movie is some of the best I've ever seen him do, although you can tell that he's clearly trying to rip off his old friend Arnold Schwarzenegger, to little avail. I still think he's cool though, he's the best thing that has come out of Denmark since Hans Christian Andersen. Check him out in 'The Viking Sagas' if you want to see a totally different, but almost equally big Thorsen-role - although a lot more serious. But his dialogue in this movie is the best I've ever seen/heard from him, highly recommended for all Sven-Ole fans out there (I know we are a few, I am not alone!) I thought it was pretty weak that he was credited as "Sven Ole-Thorsen" in the movies end credits, which just is another piece of evidence that this movie was sloppily made by lazy people who didn't bother to do a proper job of editing! Thorsen should follow Arnold and Jesse's footsteps and become governor of some state, which would probably make this movie more famous. Or perhaps even prime minister of Denmark.. that would seriously rock!

10: The Abundance of Product Placement (more like Product Disgracement), especially by Pepsi Cola. Even though the movie supposedly was sponsored by the Coca-Cola Company? Maybe that's why Secundus destroys a bunch of Pepsi's.

I'd love to see a remake of this someday, or at least a new 'Directors Cut' with all the minor flaws corrected, and perhaps some additional footage! But what can I do but fantasize, this movie will never get it's due by others than hardcore bad movie trash-fanatics. (But we still buy the DVD's, so they better make a De Luxe version of 'Abraxas' soon!)

ALL HAIL SECUNDUS! (or he will "krosh your skollz")
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2/10
Poorly made Terminator rip off
mstomaso10 May 2005
OK. Nobody in their right mind could have expected much from this movie. But even though I knew Jesse Ventura was the headliner and that the budget was low, I didn't expect this film to be as bad as it was. The most glaring problem, surprisingly, isn't the acting. It's the sound. Ventura enunciates so poorly that it is easy to miss half of his lines (not that it matters in terms of moving the "plot" forward), and the sound itself is reminiscent of 16mm home movies. Expanding on the awfulness of the recording quality is one of the worst background soundtracks I have ever been forced to endure. Improvisational jazz, a U2-clone new wave band, and what sounds like a 12 year old with a Casio keyboard are randomly applied to the scenes in a manner reminiscent of the classically awful soundtrack of Manos: Hands of Fate. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0060666/usercomments?start=10

Ventura and his arch-enemy (Sven Thorsen playing a cross between Grizzly Adams and Arnold Schwarzeneggar) don't bother with facial expressions, changes in pitch or intonation, This is probably a good thing, because the rest of the cast is actually passable. James Belushi's cameo is the highlight of the film. His scene is really quite funny, and placed well in the film, since it is likely to bring some viewers back from the brink of suicide. Damian Lee has a remarkable repertoire of poorly made extremely low budget films, and Abraxas is, amazingly, one of his better efforts.

The "plot" consists of two super-beings, one a rogue and the other a kind of intergalactic super-cop, who have arrived on earth. The rogue immaculately conceives with a human in order to spawn "the com leader" (At least I think that's what they call it - the sound is so bad that even after hearing this about 50 times in various accents, I still don't know what was being said). The com leader is a little boy who has the ability, when upset, to light fires and "spontaneously combust". Remarkably, the writers do not seem to have been aware that this phrase connotes self-immolation, not destructive potential. Abraxas' job is to stop the rogue, and to kill the 'com leader'. The Com Leader's mother is played by Marjorie Bransfield (the class of the acting talent here), and she appeals to Abraxas' super-humanity in an effort to save her son.

Predictable is too subtle. This film is frankly obvious from beginning to end. I can't recommend it to any but the most disciplined bad movie watcher.
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1/10
I must locate Secundus!
El_Zombiachi2 December 2005
Warning: Spoilers
Abraxas. Wow. Where do I start? This film touched me in a special way. It was much the same way, in fact, that Ventura's character attempts to touch many of the young boys in the film.

Ventura's performance as the title character is incredible as he varies from ass-whooping and randomly blowing up snow to attempting to seduce young boys. It's an awe-inspiring portrayal. With his "Answer Box," which looks suspiciously like the sticker off a Nerf gun, Jesse quests to save Tommy, a frantic, hyperactive child who runs to random locations for no apparent reason and has the amazing ability to control other people's bladders. This is apparently a deadly secret called the "anti-life equation" that Ventura has to stop.

Ventura regularly ignores his programming, but the programming always provides him much more logical commands than the options he pursues. "If you let this woman live, the whole universe will be destroyed! She must die!" Somehow, since either way this woman must die, it would seem logical to save the rest of the universe, yes? Wrong! What Ventura chooses to do is ignore this command, marching away to find more snow to blow up. The plot is scattered with these lapses in logic and reason that Ventura embraces. His nemesis, Secundus also has these lapses in reason. He has no inspiration or motivation to destroy the universe, at least not one that is made apparent through the weak audio, that sounds as though it was recorded through a Fisher-Price tape player. Even the DVD has the sound quality of a Casio keyboard with a mattress being pressed against the speakers.

Another critical aspect of this film is the soundtrack, which sound more like a soft core adult film that a futuristic action thriller. The first 45 minutes sound like a Kenny G album just happens to be playing in the background, completely ruining any mood. A chase scene between two arch-nemeses becomes a playful romp in the woods. Two robot-men gripped in a life or death struggle looks more like flirtatious cuddling.

The explosions are gratuitous. The budget for this film was clearly as follows: 80%, pyrotechnical supplies; 15% delicious and refreshing Pepsi products scattered throughout, 3% vehicles, 2% makeup, costumes, lighting, sound, paying for cast and crew, and care for Mr. Ventura's dynamic rat-tail. Things explode in this film that don't ordinarily explode: snowdrifts, empty wooden crates, people's heads, etc. Oddly, car explosions are limited to maybe one, despite that several crash into the, as we all know, volatile and explosive snow. My assumption is that the producers had to return these to the Hertz dealership and had made the decision not to pay rental insurance, because as we all know, station wagon insurance is maddening.

This was another comedy-gold film that had me begging for the end like a Bills fan in a Super Bowl. I glanced at the clock when I hit the 60 minute mark, feeling as though I had been seated in one place for something like a decade watching Jesse stumble around, ignoring his programming like the good robot he is. I couldn't fathom that this went on for another 30 minutes. Thankfully, it finally came to an end, with Ventura destroying the antagonist (Sven Ole-Thorson) by testing him to see if he possessed the anti-life equation and making his head arbitrarily explode. Ventura decides to remain on Earth in the loving arms of Tommy or his mother (the film isn't exactly clear which), and we all leave the DVD player a little wiser.
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4/10
Keep a straight-face.
lost-in-limbo30 September 2008
Anything starring ex-wrestler / former Minnesota governor Jesse Ventura gotta be worth your weight in gold. After appearing as support in such films 'Predator', 'The Running Man and 'Ricochet', his first leading role happens to be in something rather lesser; 'Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe'. It's a low-rent, corny b-grade sci-fi chase get-up in the form of those efforts done in the late 80s / early 90s ('The Hidden', 'The Peacekeeper' and 'Dark Angel') with certain elements of 'The Terminator' (1984) obviously featuring.

Abraxas, an alien officer comes to earth to track down a renegade who plans to impregnate a woman with a child, which would be an actual ticking time bomb waiting to explode if caught in the wrong hands. He captures the renegade, but is too late to stop the pregnancy. Instead of destroying the threat, he spares the mother and baby's life. Times passes and the renegade escapes and heads back to earth to find the child, but Abraxas is soon on his trail by trying to get to the child first.

It's best that you just go with the flow. Don't look too hard into it, as it won't be impossible to get some sort enjoyment out of it with its unintentional mocking and bizarre nature (like the birth scene). Ventura rocks, but something about his burly physic not matching up to his well-mannered delivery of the material raises some chuckles with his almost-like second-rate Terminator impression. At times the chewy dialogues (honestly it was Shakespeare stuff) seemed too much of a mouth-fall for the two outer-space guests. A robotic Sven-Ole Thorsen forcefully played the evil foe, but Ventura has an sincerely likable air to him that makes him rather appealing in the role. Marjorie Bransfield is decent in her part. Also appearing in very minor support is James Belushi (who has a ridiculous conversation with Bransfield's character) and the dependable Michael Copeman.

Damien Lee (b-grade actor/writer/director) manages to make the production look better technically than its budget would allow. Sure the minimal special effects and (out of place slow-motion) action set-pieces are low-scale, but modestly crafted. It's well-photographed and the soundtrack is a flavoured sample of swiftly soothing jazz (odd I know) and electrifying rock. The flabby script is constantly stiff drivel and the screenplay while focused is still quite pedestrian (with a meandering midsection), but whenever Ventura's narrative voice-over pops up it amuses. The supposed humour on the other hand, (which the script tries for in parts) is dumb and falls flat, because they're not the moments you'll laugh at. Talk about a dud of an ending.

Undistinguishable, but better than expected camp that has some heart.
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4/10
Cheapjack sci-fi boasts good Ventura performance...
moonspinner5519 May 2006
He's no Laurence Olivier, but Jesse Ventura is very likable as an actor. Low-budget science-fiction B-flick with shades of "The Terminator" involves good cop Ventura chasing bad cop Sven-Ole Thorsen from the future to present-day Canada. The shoestring special effects are pretty much a joke, and the film never comes up with the kind of futuristic scenario depicted on the poster. However, this thing is almost single-handedly saved by handsome Ventura's low-key performance. No, he's not going to win any awards for his acting, but he doesn't force his dialogue and is an appealing presence on the screen. The picture is the epitome of mediocre, it isn't original nor remarkable, but on a minor, TV-viewing level it's decent fare. ** from ****
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1/10
I highly doubt Jessie Ventura makes a habit of mentioning this movie in interviews
callanvass28 December 2013
Warning: Spoilers
(Credit, IMDb) An alien "policeman" arrives on Earth to apprehend a renegade of his own race who impregnates a woman with a potentially destructive mutant embryo.

Jessie had a burgeoning career in politics ahead of him, so it's safe to say he's probably forgotten about this piece of garbage. This is low budget trash that has no redeeming qualities what so ever. It has very little action, but if you find extremely cheap explosions, maybe you'll get your rocks off on this. There are a couple of fight scenes, but it's hard to pinpoint what's going on, because of the extremely shaky camera work. It's almost like they said "Let's find the cheapest place in the woods to film a couple of fight scenes" I wouldn't be surprised. It has this odd saxophone music for a score. It didn't really fit with the film. Did Jessie Ventura really need the money that bad? He was released from his announcing duties in the WWF over a quarrel with Vince McMahon about merchandise, so maybe, but he went to WCW not too long after. Ventura is on autopilot here to say the least. His lines sound extremely forced, and he looks like he wants to get this over and done with. I don't blame him a bit. Sven-Olen Thornsen is laughably bad as the villain. I couldn't take him or his accent seriously. Marjorie Bransfield is good looking, but has no acting skills to speak of. James Belushi has a cameo as a moronic principal as a favor to his then wife, Marjorie Bransfield. What was up with the kid that couldn't speak? That annoyed me to no end

Final Thoughts: I'm not sure if this is out on DVD, and I'm in no hurry to find out. It's on You Tube if you wanna check it out, but I would advise against that. It's a pretty torturous experience, and a god awful film. I enjoy low budget movies, as long as they are interesting. This will bore you to tears

DUD
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The funniest movie ever!
clearose-121 June 2007
Anyone who writes up a serious critique of this movie is INSANE!!! It's hilarious, end of story. Thank God somebody made this film. Laughter therapy all the way.Among the sordid and strange moments in this movie are scenes a women giving birth without taking off her pants, and disturbing (but funny) "moments" of bizarre intimacy between the lead man and "Tommy" the young alien/human hybrid. MST3K would have fun with this one but it's already so funny on it's own there's probably not much they could add.Just go in expecting the corniest plot, most cliché-filled narrative, and worst acting you've ever seen in a movie and you wont be disappointed. Just don't eat while watching, you might choke. 10 line minimum huh? Well that's all i have to say. :)
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3/10
Timecop mixed with terminator
hotofthepress224 December 2005
ABRAXAS , GUARDIAN OF THE UNIVERSE .Chessy low-budget film a cross between terminator and time-cop well worth the watch, great one liners, poor effects but hey more than makes up for it in some of the fight scenes and dialogue. music with this film is awful soft jazz through out just turn your ears off .With a few more bucks this film could have been a half decent flick but like all low budget films resources are not always available .But if your stuck one evening and want to have a laugh and pick out the worst and best parts of the film worth the look.I am sure that the film would make an impression on your mind but only for a few minutes. But i enjoyed it in a sad funny way
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6/10
throwaway for Saturday afternoons
winner5518 November 2006
the big question is, as professional wrestlers go, does Jesse "the Body" Ventura make a better actor than governor of a mid-West state with economic troubles? And the answer is: No.

Whew! for a minute there, I thought we were going to have problems.

Except for the Body himself, the acting in this film is pretty good, and the script and direction indicate that there is a real vision here, and that the writer-director has some talent worth developing. The scene in the burning warehouse where the young boy is being tracked down by the bad-guy is genuinely scary.

However, the low budget prevented this film from reaching any potential - beyond that of an enjoyable throwaway for Saturday afternoons when the weather's ho-hum and you're looking for some excuse not to mow the lawn. but on that level, as forgettable filler, it's not so bad.
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4/10
Worthy of MST:3K
edevin6 January 2006
The overall story is not dreadful, but it plays along as if a 10-year-old wrote it. Combine that with sub-sub-par acting, minimal (at best) effects work (someone had a lot of fun with gasoline explosions), and a soundtrack that sounds like it came straight from a bad '70s porn flick, and you end up with "Abraxas." There are a few funny parts, though. One was Jim Belushi playing a principal named "Latimer." That was his character's name (and position) in his earlier movie, "The Principal." The other was a character saying "a parsec is not an acceptable unit of time measurement on Earth." Obviously, a nod to the infamous "Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs" line from Star Wars. Overall, if you don't *have* to see Abraxas, don't.
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5/10
Cover is misleading
macgruder21 February 2000
I saw this movie in the store and thought "hey, this might be pretty cool. He was good in Predator and he's running for governor, so it cant be that bad." Boy was I wrong. The cover is so misleading. I thought it was supposed to be about space. The only "space" shot is when they show these two guys (which have no real purpose in the movie) talking about Abraxas in a cheesy low budget "science fiction" set.

The whole cover, front and back, looks like it is in space. Even the name Abraxas, Guardian of the UNIVERSE, should denote space and other galaxy related stuff. But no, All I got was an hour an a half of two burly aging men running around in a forest, and screaming and punching each other with no outcome. Boring. Plus there is a few scenes, where Jesse Ventura gets emotional. Made me want to puke.
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10/10
So Bad It's Legendary
kid_Green29 March 2008
During the decline of the VHS, I used to troll Dollar store movie bins and snap up every piece of crap movie I could find. Abraxas is up there in my worst movies collection along with The Elimnators and Frasier the Sensual Lion (or Frasier the Friendly Lion, the title on the box doesn't match the title in the film).

Abraxas has some of the most awkward scenes and dialogue of any film ever made. I find it extremely comforting to know that I am not the only person here changed by that amazing scene where Jesse the Body Ventura tries to bond with the alien hybrid child but, to the viewers horrified amazement, seems to be coming on to him.

This film is an absolute trainwreck and every car is spewing laughing gas.
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1/10
stupid Terminator wanna be
pkzeewiz27 April 2010
Warning: Spoilers
A bad alien man comes to Earth and impregnates a woman and 6 years later he returns to get the kid who will continue his legacy. A good bounty hunter is sent back to Earth to kill this bad guy alien and he ends up falling for the girl...or something like that, as if I was trying to follow.

Horrible movie that tries so hard to be like Terminator. Putting Jesse Ventura as a hero was a joke and this bad guy, Sercundus, tries to talk just like Arnold Schwarzeneggar. It was such a stupid sci-fi action movie and tried to add comedy but it was hard to set through.

Direction was awful and the movie was so dark I couldn't even see what was happening most times. With such silly dialog and craziness all through it. Acting wasn't horrible but it sure wasn't great and it was nice seeing James Belushi doing the same role he did when he played on the movie Principal, and I loved his stupid lines here, I think his wife was in the movie. This movie might have had the worst music I have ever heard. Badly produced piece of garbage.

It's a rip off, it tries using bad wrestling stars as a sells pitch and its just a waste of time...avoid if you can. Its not even bad enough to be considered funny, it's just bad, I considered giving it a 2, but nope 1/10 stars for me.
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1/10
Hilarious
phonyjoe19 June 2003
This film is so awful - anyone with a good sense of humor MUST see it. I laughed more in this movie than any intentional comedy I've seen in years. Atrocious dialogue. Strange, creepy scenarios featuring Jesse Ventura and a mute little boy that were supposed to be emotional and touching but seemed to accidentally imply some kind of molestation. Random lines about the "comater" and the "anti-life equation," which are never explained. Attempted humor that is so not funny it's hilarious. Extremely painful soundtrack. A desperate Jim Belushi cameo with a progression of dialogue that ends up making no sense.

Everyone must see this movie. Show your friends. Besides Joseph Merhi's "Mayhem," this is the funniest terrible movie I've ever seen.
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10/10
Thank God for 1 dollar DVD's
JohnPractice28 July 2005
I was at our local dollar shopping center when I saw the DVD's in the slim little cases with 2 movies, one on each side. I was about to go with a werewolf movie when I saw this 2 sided piece of gold. I quickly changed my decision and picked up this movie and Slipstream. I was so glad. This movie is hilarious. The plot is EXACTLY the same as The Terminator and has so many similar scenes it should be sued. The bad guy tried so hard to be Arnold and failed, but it's classic. Be warned though- this movie is completely full of chase scenes that go on forever and suck but are fun to watch. Also there are these guys at this outpost who never shut up. The best part by far is Jesse Venturas facial expressions. Classic. Also watch for the worst fight scenes ever. If you ever come across this for 5 or less bucks, buy it. But don't go any higher....or it's a waste.
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8/10
Would watch it again
Luv21JumpStreet24 July 2005
Warning: Spoilers
For those certain people who thought it took place in space, should have read the back of the box. I actually liked this movie and thought it was good for a low-budget film, then again i did read the back of the box. The plot was solid as it didn't have very many plot wholes and the acting was decent. I'm not saying that it was Oscar worthy but it wasn't like one would have wasted their time if they watched it. yes it was simple and to the point but at least it wasn't over-the-top like movies are now days. Then again I still watch movies that are in black and white. Anyway, it is still a good movie and I would definitely watch it again.
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2/10
Bad space adventure is not amusing
funkyfry10 November 2002
Pitifully bad direction and a story that borrows liberally from "The Terminator" and "Firestarter", producing a hybrid that is strictly second-rate. Ventura and Throsen do make a fun pairing, though, but there are too many anticlimactic fight scenes between them; Ventura is a galaxy cop and Thrsen is his renegade ex-partner out to figure out the secret to "anti-life", whatever that is.

A forgettable film that poses as science fiction but is really about big sweaty guys fighting in poorly staged battle royales (in Sam Peckinpah-style slow motion, no less). To be avoided by even the B-movie fan in search of derisive laughter.
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10/10
Oscar worthy written all over it!!
drown1nsleep2 February 2006
FOXX! CRUISE! FORD! WASHINGTON! VENTURA!The face of the modern action-flick has now changed! This could be one the most influential movies in modern history. The stunning performances,Pepsi, the non-stop action, the half-naked-man-to-boy relationship. Don't forget one of the most quotable lines in modern film making..."my Box has VD, trust me". unforgettable! After viewing this movie i also had a strange craving for Pepsi-cola. Seeing as the only store in the whole movie sold only Pepsi and Pepsi related paraphenalia... if i could rate this movie i'de give it 11 thumbs up... i recommend this movie to everyone on earth. In fact, the bible is now obsolete now that man has ABRAXUS: GUARDIAN OF THE UNIVERSE!!!!!!
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8/10
Best Bad Movie Ever!!!
darkknightsds20 December 2006
Warning: Spoilers
If you are expecting something serious out of this movie, then stay away. But if you are one of those types who loves to laugh at bad-acting and even worse story lines, then you will find this to be the "Best Bad Movie Ever." From Jim Belushi as a clueless teacher to Jesse Ventura's sexual healing, this movie has it all. You will not stop laughing as a naked Minnesotan Governor invites a young boy into his bed to teach him about "Two men who were partners." You will be puzzled as Mr. Ventura walks in on the mom showering, only for the mom to not be startled at all. A high-school girl will become pregnant and give birth in a matter of seconds, while Sven prances around killing kids.

At the end of this pitiful movie, you will most likely want to die, but it is still worth a few good laughs! A must! I give it a -10 and a 10!!! I guess he average would then be 0, or 1, since that's closest!
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10/10
An astonishing, yet lighthearted social critique of deconstructionism.
mel_farr10 November 2002
Warning: Spoilers
***SPOILERS*** ***SPOILERS*** Wow. Words cannot do justice to this masterpiece of "science-fiction cinema," (if they could Sam Beckett would sure be out of a job). This is the kind of movie that makes you sit back and think "what would it be like to be a mute 5 year old boy with the answer to the anti-life equation?" Which begs the obvious next question "if there is an anti-life equation, what is the life-equation." Presumably that would be the entire existence of the universe. This is the set-up for Abraxas the guardian. In this sense, we can see the movie as a battle between the life equation (jesse Ventura) and the Anti-Life equation (sven Thornsen). Sven is from denmark, a country which makes most of its money exporting legos. The philosophical issues in this movie however are far from childs play. You will emerge from this movie a better person, as I'm sure Jim Belushi did after trying to kick Mackauley Culkin out of elementary school (great scene).

Spoiler ahead:

the "good" guy wins. But does he really win? Yes. No. Yes. ok.
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6/10
Carrie meets the Terminator
ryangilmer00717 March 1999
The reason to view this film is simply Jesse "the body-the mind-the gov." Other then that Sven-Ole Thorsen's Secundus sounds like a poor rip-off off Arnold's Terminator and Francis Mitchell's Tommy (in his only film) has telekinetic powers just like Carrie (these similarities are kind of funny). The acting is king of hokey and the story is ok (there is some wierd stuff about warp holes that travel through time) and the voice overs help the story along. All-in-all it is not a waste of time, but not great either. Jesse is the reason to watch as he is of-course the main character/savior (viewed on video: rating 6/10)
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1/10
Movies don't get any worse than this.
The Grand Master3 March 2015
Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe feels like the entire movie was written by a child for a primary school assignment. The entire movie resembles something that was made up by a child. I probably could have written this for a short story for a school assignment in school and get a good mark. How this was made into a movie I'll never know. I don't know where to start on how bad this movie is. From the nonsensical and unintentionally laughably pathetic dialogue, rubbish action sequences, woeful explosions, and poor attempts at violence. I was shocked to see James Belushi pop up in a cameo as an incompetent school principal, most likely done as a favour for someone.

Jesse Ventura (Predator, The Running Man) plays an intergalactic police officer named Abraxas who has been sent back to Earth to stop a rogue alien named Secundus played by Sven-Ole Thorsen (well known character actor who has appeared in Conan The Barbarian, Lethal Weapon, The Running Man, Red Heat among others). Secundus is looking for a woman on Earth to impregnate so she can bear his child to carry on his legacy.

Where have I seen this before??? Oh yes, this is a low grade rip off of Arnold Schwarzenegger's classic sci-fi movie The Terminator (1984). Even so, this movie miserably fails.

Look no further than the atrocious dialogue present throughout the movie and you get the idea on how bad this movie is. Referring to a box containing "VD" - Vibrational Detection. That is laughable. But wait, there's more. "T-squared", "Volted", "Pla-Steel", "Comater", "Answer Box" and "Anti-life equation". Wow, sounds like these words have been plucked out of a Maths class. I'm still scratching my head here. Are you sure this story wasn't derived from a Primary School assignment? There are so many plot holes throughout the movie as well. Characters that just disappear and serve no purpose throughout the movie? Rookie error. Small town Deputy Sheriff officers carrying Uzi's in their patrol car as well as outdated .38 Revolvers?! No way! Besides, these two deputies are nothing more than a pair of hapless, dim-witted clowns that couldn't catch a cold.

Jesse Ventura and Sven-Ole Thorsen both share the distinction of appearing with Arnold Schwarzenegger in numerous movies throughout the 1980's. Both actors also shared the screen along with Arnold Schwarzenegger in Predator (1987) and The Running Man (1987). Fellas, you are great in small roles and character actors respectively, but you will never be in the same league as Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Unless you want to have a good laugh at how pathetic this movie is, go ahead and watch it. But this will be 90 minutes that you will never get back. Alternatively, just find all copies of this movie and blast it into outer space.

1/10.
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10/10
The Best Bad Movie Ever!
RTheManF8924 November 2008
Warning: Spoilers
And that's no joke! I ordered this last week, very anxious to see this in spite of it's bad rep. It finally came in today and I saw it! The best bad movie ever! Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe XD.

Now, onto the movie. The movie centers around an intergalactic cop named obviously, Abraxas (Played by Jesse Ventura from Predator. He gets top billing in this as most of the movies he's been in like Predator or Running Man, he usually co-stars as a jerk who gets killed early in a movie) in pursuit of his ex-partner turned renegade, Secundus (Played hilariously by Sven-Ole Thorsen from The Running Man) on earth. We then stumble upon a young couple, the girl, Sonia Murray (Being played by Marjorie Bransfield) wants to keep her virginity, even though her boyfriend wants to get laid with her. Secundus then comes across the couple and tosses the boyfriend out of the car and drives off with Sonia. It is unknown what happens to the boyfriend aftewards. Secundus then asks Sonia if she's fertile and then rapes her by placing his hand on her tummy (WTF!?!) A few minutes later, she gives birth, but how did she do it without anyone to help her? Did she gag it out of her mouth or something? Later, she is seen at her house with her parents, who kick her out of the house because she doesn't know who the father is. Flash forward to Abraxas' home planet. Dar and Hite (Abraxas' dispatchers, would you believe it if I said that the guy playing Dar happened to be the film's director?) have discovered that Secundus has now broken out of his jail and escaped. So after some arguing, they send Abraxas to earth to pursue Secundus yet again. Secundus has returned to earth, 5 years after he impregnated Sonia, to search for Sonia's child, Tommy, who just so happens to be a Comator or something like that. He apparently, has the anti-life equation, which is capable of destroying a world.

I don't think I need to go any further with the plot. I will say there are a lot of unintentionally funny moments, like Jesse saying "My Box has V.D." What's especially funny (unintentionally) is the movie's soundtrack. It's mostly soft jazz playing during the fight sequences, which is very unfitting for a fight sequence, yet laughable at the same time. There's also a somehow pointless scene of Secundus smashing some bottles of Pepsi (My favorite soda btw), which could explain why the movie happens to be sponsored by Coca-Cola, after he steals the Jeep from the camping family. Jim Belushi makes a quick and somehow pointless cameo as the Principle of Tommy's school. He did the cameo as a favor to Marjorie Bransfield, who plays Sonia. And towards the end, for no reason at all, while Secundus confronts Tommy in the warehouse, the song "Strong As I Am" (From "Manhunter") by The Prime Movers, is heard, and just like the Kenny G music playing during the fight sequences, it does not fit the scene at all. It works better in "Manhunter" than it does here.
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6/10
He ain't got time to have hair or moustache in this one!
Bezenby30 December 2016
Man, what was the budget on this film? Must have been close to nothing, as not much happens beside Jesse Ventura slugging it out with former England manager Sven Oren Erickson in a wintery landscape with the odd bit of input by the locals or those other two guys in space. This should be the most boring film ever! But it's not! Jesse plays Abraxas, which would be a great name for a toilet cleaner! Here he's an intergalactic cop out to get Sven "I gots to shoot some steroids" Olsen from the Running Man as this guy has impregnated an Earth chick with a Cormator that knows the anti-life formula. Whatever that means. To be honest, it's all the crap these actors have to spew that makes the film so entertaining.

Jesse's box has VD, for instance. I cannot go on and spoil all the bewildering one liners this film has to offer, because beyond that you have an ultra cheap sci-fi film with terrible punch ups and not much else. Forget all that and stay for the insane dialogue! It gets funnier as it goes on (and once you realise you are not going to get anything exciting bar two guys duking it out in the snow).
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1/10
Not Much Action For An Action Film
Rainey-Dawn14 November 2016
Most of the time action films are overrun with way too much action for my tastes but this film doesn't have a lot of action - it's more or less a lot of talk. I tried watching this movie - about the first 10 minutes of it then hit the fast-forward button to watch it that way... and all I really saw was a bunch of talk that looked as boring as what I did see. I'm sorry but the beginning of the film bored me to tears that's why I hit the fast-forward button.

This is another film I got from the Sci-Fi Invasion 50-Pack and another I'll add to my Garbage Film List. I'm not big on action films, there are a handful of them I like just fine, but the bulk of action films I'm not overly fond of - this film is one of them.

1/10
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