Dumb and Dumber (1994)
Lauren Holly: Mary
Lloyd Christmas : [addressing Mary] I'm crazy about you. I've never felt this way about anybody.
Lloyd Christmas : [laughs nervously] Listen to me! I feel like a schoolboy again. A schoolboy who desperately wants to make sweet, sweet love to you.
Mary Swanson : [Mary comes into the room, making it clear to viewers that Lloyd's previous words were just a rehearsal] I thought I heard you talking to someone.
Lloyd Christmas : [now extremely nervous] Mary... I... I desperately want to make love to a schoolboy.
Lloyd Christmas : I want to ask you a question, straight out, flat out, and I want you to give me the honest answer. What do you think the chances are of a guy like you and a girl like me ending up together?
Mary Swanson : Well Lloyd, that's difficult to say. We really don't...
Lloyd Christmas : Hit me with it! Just give it to me straight! I came a long way just to see you Mary, just... The least you can do is level with me. What are my chances?
Mary Swanson : Not good.
[the background soundtrack music suddenly stops]
Lloyd Christmas : [he gulps, his mouth twitching] You mean, not good like one out of a hundred?
Mary Swanson : I'd say more like one out of a million.
Lloyd Christmas : [long pause while he processes what he's heard] So you're telling me there's a chance. YEAH!
Lloyd Christmas : This isn't my real job, you know.
Mary Swanson : No?
Lloyd Christmas : Nope. My friend Harry and I are saving up to open our own pet store.
Mary Swanson : That's nice.
Lloyd Christmas : I got worms!
Mary Swanson : I beg your pardon?
Lloyd Christmas : That's what we're gonna call it. "I Got Worms!" We're gonna specialize in selling worm farms. You know, like ant farms.
Mary Swanson : Okay, how do you guys know each other?
Lloyd Christmas : We used to be best friends.
Harry Dunne : Yeah, till he turned into a back-stabber.
Lloyd Christmas : Me, a back-stabber? You got a lot of nerve. You knew I was crazy about her!
Harry Dunne : Yeah, and you knew I was crazy about Fraida Felcher, and that didn't stop you, did it?
Lloyd Christmas : [gasps] What do you mean?
Harry Dunne : "What do you mean?" Don't deny it, Lloyd. Fraida told me the whole sleazy story, Mr. French Tickler! I guess we both learned a little something about each other today.
Lloyd Christmas : You said it, pal. Maybe we're not as good of friends as we thought. I mean, if one beautiful girl can rip us apart like this, then maybe our friendship isn't worth a damn. Maybe we should call it quits right now.
Harry Dunne : You just tell me where to sign, bud.
Lloyd Christmas : Right on my ass after you kiss it!
Harry Dunne : Kiss it! You kiss mine! Both cheeks, both lips! Right here! Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah!
[while looking back at Mary]
Lloyd Christmas : There's really nothing to worry about Mary. Statistically, they say you're more likely to get killed on the way to the airport. You know, like on a head on crash or flying off a cliff or getting trapped under a gas truck! That's the worst! I have this cousin, well y'know, I had this cousin...
[Lloyd drives right through a red light, causing a fatal accident visible in the window]
Mary Swanson : Uh, Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road please?
Lloyd Christmas : Oh, yeah! Good thinking. You can't be too careful. There are a lot of bad drivers out there.
Mary Swanson : [after hearing on TV about the kid who bought a dead bird] Who are these sick people?