Archie Moses: This is a '70s porno. You know how I can tell? Because the guy's dick has sideburns.
Cop: Sir, have you had anything to drink today?
Archie Moses: [drunk] I had about a half a beer, the dog had a lot.
Archie Moses: See that, your head hurts 'cus you feel guilty.
Keats: My head hurts 'cus you shot me in it!
Archie Moses: I don't like your God. Your God scares me.
Archie Moses: You wank off a lot?
Chuck: What's a lot?
Archie Moses: You know, you got 5 minutes off, slip into one of the rooms, pull down your lil' panty's wack it.
Archie Moses: I see you've got porno here
Chuck: Yes, we have an excellent selection
Archie Moses: Good I like the porn
Chuck: Well, good
Archie Moses: [Trying to escape out of the window in the shower, Keats puts his gun in his ass] AAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH!
Keats: Let me guess. You dropped the soap!
Archie Moses: Please take that thing out of my ass.
Keats: [Charlie, the motel manager looks up and sees them] I want you on the bed. Now.
Archie Moses: You're a piece of shit, you know that, Keats?
Archie Moses: You'd better not kill me, man, I've got shit to do tomorrow!
Archie Moses: In actuality, I was hitting on her harder than you think, motherfucker! So why don't you step the fuck back before I bitch slap your fucking heiney!
Traci: Jack, Colton made me do it. He would've killed me if I hadn't done it...
Archie Moses: Ooh, watch it now, Keats, l she's playin' you.
Traci: But then I fell in love with you.
Archie Moses: But... then I fell... shut the fuck up!
Traci: I swear to God I did!
Archie Moses: Ah, she's lyin' out her devil ass!
Traci: Will you shut the fuck up?
Archie Moses: Why don't you make me?
[she knocks the gun out of his hand and punches him, sending him down the stairs]
Archie Moses: Jesus... I gotta learn how to fight; this is pathetic.
Archie Moses: Hey, Man! What are you doing? You just wasted good weed!