Three Kings (1999)
Spike Jonze: Conrad Vig
Archie Gates : What's the most important thing in life?
Troy Barlow : Respect.
Archie Gates : Too dependent on other people.
Conrad Vig : What, love?
Archie Gates : A little Disneyland, isn't it?
Chief Elgin : God's will.
Archie Gates : Close.
Troy Barlow : What is it then?
Archie Gates : Necessity.
Troy Barlow : As in?
Archie Gates : As in people do what is most necessary to them at any given moment.
Archie Gates : You're scared, right?
Conrad Vig : Maybe.
Archie Gates : The way it works is, you do the thing you're scared shitless of, and you get the courage AFTER you do it, not before you do it.
Conrad Vig : That's a dumbass way to work. It should be the other way around.
Archie Gates : I know. That's the way it works.
Archie Gates : Sit down. What do you see here?
Chief Elgin : Bunkers, sir.
Archie Gates : What's in them?
Troy Barlow : Stuff they stole from Kuwait.
Archie Gates : Bullshit. I'm talking about millions in Kuwaiti bullion.
Conrad Vig : You mean them little cubes you put in hot water to make soup?
Archie Gates : No, not the little cubes you put in hot water to make soup.
[Conrad retrieved a map from an Iraqi's soldier's butt]
Sgt. Troy Barlow : Conrad, you've washed your hands like ten times.
Conrad Vig : Lord knows what kind of vermin live in the butt of a dune coon.
Chief Elgin : Why do you let this cracker hang around with you, man?
Sgt. Troy Barlow : He's all right, man. He's from a group home in Dallas. He's got no high school.
Conrad Vig : Don't tell people that.
Chief Elgin : I don't care if he's from Johannesburg. I don't want to hear "dune coon" or "sand nigger" from him or anybody else.
Conrad Vig : Captain uses those terms.
Sgt. Troy Barlow : That's not the point, Conrad. The point is that "towelhead" and "camel jockey" are perfectly good substitutes.
Chief Elgin : Exactly!
Archie Gates : You know anything about gunshot wounds?
Conrad Vig : I don't know.
Archie Gates : Specifically, the worst thing about a gunshot wound, provided you survive the bullet, is something called sepsis.
Chief Elgin : Infection of the blood...
Archie Gates : That's right. Say a bullet tears into your gut. It creates a cavity in the dead tissue. That cavity fills up with bile, and bacteria, and you're fucked.
Conrad Vig : Kaboom! Y'all see that cow's head shoot up? It's like a cartoon! It's fuckin' crazy!
Conrad Vig : One gold Rolex would get me a very nice split-level house outside of Garland.
Troy Barlow : Five Rolexes would get my family that Lexus convertible.
Chief Elgin : I told you, Lexus doesn't make a convertible.
Troy Barlow : Yes they do, it has room in the back for a kid's seat.
Chief Elgin : Infiniti has a convertible but not Lexus.
Troy Barlow : Wrong.
Chief Elgin : Either way, the Good Lord has put this map in our path and I believe we're gonna find something.
Troy Barlow : Yeah, he could also put a land mine in our path if we go out there.
Conrad Vig : Man... I didn't join the army to pull paper our of people's asses.
Conrad Vig : We three kings be stealin' the gold...
Archie Gates : [about Kuwaiti gold] My guess is he's divided these bricks into several different stashes. Just one of these stashes will be easy to take from Saddam's deserting army, and that will be enough to get us out of our day jobs. Unless, of course, you reservists are in love with your day jobs.
[cut to a shot of Troy getting ink all over himself at his office; cut to a shot of Chief throwing luggage onto a plane; cut to a shot of Conrad shooting stuffed animals with a shotgun]
Conrad Vig : I don't really have a day job, sir.
[Maj. Gates knows a map has been found in one of an Iraqi soldier's orifices, but isn't sure which]
Archie Gates : Good afternoon. Would this be the proctology tent?
Chief Elgin : No, sir.
Archie Gates : Maybe it's the urology tent. Or the neurology tent. Or the ear, nose, and throat tent.
Troy Barlow : Captain's at a staff meeting, sir.
Archie Gates : Captain a proctologist?
Conrad Vig : What's a proctologist, sir?
Conrad Vig : [pointing a machine gun at Iraqi soldiers] Don't make me smoke your ass, Abdul!
Conrad Vig : Didn't think I'd get to see anybody get shot in this war.