Blast from the Past (1999)
Eve: Now hold on, hold on just a minute! In the first place I do not fall in love with weirdos who I've only known for four or five days!
Troy: Yes you do.
Eve: And I don't fall in love with grown men who collect baseball cards!
Troy: Yes you do.
Eve: Or pee in their pants when they see the ocean!
Troy: Yes you do.
Eve: Or have perfect table manners!
Troy: You know, I asked him about that. He said, good manners are just a way of showing other people we have respect for them. See, I didn't know that, I thought it was just a way of acting all superior. Oh and you know what else he told me?
Troy: He thinks I'm a gentleman and you're a lady.
Eve: [disgusted] Well, consider the source! I don't even know what a lady is.
Troy: I know, I mean I thought a "gentleman" was somebody that owned horses. But it turns out, his short and simple definition of a lady or a gentleman is, someone who always tries to make sure the people around him or her are as comfortable as possible.
Eve: Where do you think he got all that information?
Troy: From the oddest place - his parents. I mean, I don't think I got that memo from mine.
Adam: Manners are a way of showing other people we care about them.
Eve: What kind of wife are you looking for?
Adam: Oh um, well... one who's not a mutant.
Eve: [laughs] No dogs, huh. OK. Cool.
Adam: And if it's possible, I'd like to marry someone from Pasadena.
Eve: [laughs] Um, when do you need her by?
Adam: Two weeks?
Eve: Well, I can probably get you laid in two weeks, but to locate a non-mutant wife from Pasadena takes some time.
Adam: That's what I was afraid of.
Eve: So for four thousand dollars, all I have to do is drive you to your hotel?
Eve: That's it?
Eve: And I don't have to take a physical in your spaceship?
[Adam has bought rollerblades]
Adam: Eve, can I skate around your block?
Troy: [suggestively] How about it, Eve - can he *skate* around your block?
Troy: Just a few laps.
Adam: It won't take long.
Adam: Uh, Eve, this is Adam. Look, I just wanted to thank you for everything you did for me. And I wanted to tell you that I... that uh... that I wish so many good things for you. I wish so hard that all of your dreams come true, and... and that's all I... and that's all.
Eve: Whenever Adam gives me, such obviously incorrect information. I just smile, slap him on the knee and look out the window. Why spoil his dreams? They're such wonderful dreams.
Eve: Where are you parked?
Adam: I came on a bus.
Eve: Why does that not surprise me.
Adam: I dunno. Why doesn't that sunrise you?
Eve: Well, I guess because I'm a little psychic. I have this thing.
Adam: Oh, that's nice.
Eve: Yeah, let me guess something. This is your first visit to La-La-Land. You're staying somewhere in Hollywood because like an idiot you thought that would be an exciting place to stay. Am I right so far?
Adam: So far?
Eve: Yes, I'm right?
Eve: I knew it. So anyhow, you get on a bus and before you know it you're stuck in the San Fernando Valley without a clue, which brings us to here. Correct again?
Eve: Where are you staying? The Holiday Inn.
Adam: Oh. Yes! Yes! The Holiday Inn. That's exactly right.
Eve: See, I'm psychic. I mean not completely but pretty much. Pretty good, huh?
Adam: No, that was amazing!
Eve: Yeah I know. Thanks.
Adam: Say, mom?
Helen: Yes, dear?
Adam: I was wondering, you know, while I was up there and all, I was thinking, well you know, I was wondering if maybe I could meet a girl? I've been thinking about that a little. Just these last fifteen years or so.
Helen: Oh Adam, it would be wonderful if you could meet a girl. One who's not a mutant and hopefully comes from Pasadena. Nothing against Valley girls but in my day anyhow girls from Pasadena, I don't know, just always seemed a little bit nicer.
Eve: Here ya go, one champagne cocktail.
Adam: Oh, thank you.
Eve: I thought only hookers drank those things?
Adam: Well, I know Mom sure likes 'em.
Troy: Eve, a man walks into your life, who's the kindest, most polite, most incredibly rich guy you've ever met...
Eve: And I have him committed.
Troy: Yes. Yes you did.
Eve: Well, at least I fell for him before I knew he was rich. That's new.
[Adam, Eve and Troy are at the club, looking for a girlfriend for Adam. Adam spots a lovely young woman]
Adam: How about her?
Eve: No way.
Adam: No way? Why not? I, I think she's very attractive.
Eve: Adam! She's got 'bitch' written all over her. You do know what 'bitch' means, don't you?
Adam: [nodding] Well, well, yes, I do. I do have a dictionary. But I can't understand for the life of me why you would say that about her. Or why Cliff would say that about *you*!
[Troy stifles a laugh; Eve glares at him and then at Adam]
[Adam is rehearsing Troy's advice as he approaches a young woman whom Troy thinks looks "sweet."]
Adam: Surprising, yet funny.
[Adam recalls his father's silly joke]
Adam: Well, I know a duck who bought some lip balm.
Adam: [nods to himself] Lie.
[he approaches Miss Sweet]
[she looks him up and down, appraising, but replies disdainfully]
Miss 'Sweet', at Club 40: Yes?
Adam: I was wondering if you could help me? I, um...
[she looks at him with definite disdain]
Adam: ...seem to have lost my Congressional Medal of Honor around here... somewhere.
Miss 'Sweet', at Club 40: [bursts into laughter] Now, that's a great one!
Calvin: You have a wonderful sense of humor, son, I must say. The acorn does not fall far from the tree.
Eve: [to Adam, about Troy] He's gay, by the way.
Adam: [thinking she means that Troy is happy] Well, good for you!
Adam: What do mean you can get me laid?
Eve: Uh, can we talk about that a little later?
Adam: Of course.
Adam: The sky!
Child: I see it mommy!
Adam: I've never seen anything like it!
[looks at little girl]
Adam: or like you!
Eve: [Trying to get rid of Troy] You! Go to the bathroom!
Troy: What, right *here*?
[pause while Eve stares at him]
Troy: Well I thought I should check, you're being so bossy!
Adam, Age 11: What's baseball?
Calvin: It's a game, son. I can explain it pretty easily. See, there's a pitcher...
Adam, Age 11: Oh, like a painting.
Calvin: No, a pitch-er.
Adam, Age 11: Like one of mom's?
Calvin: No. There's a man who throws the ball to a man who has a bat.
Adam, Age 11: Oh! The nocturnal flying mammal?
[the doors have unlocked, and Helen and Adam are thrilled; Calvin slightly less so]
Adam: Do we just go on up?
Calvin: No, son. Now is the time we must be at our most cautious. We wait for night.
Helen: Oh, shit!
[Helen, realizing Adam has heard her, immediately covers her mouth]
Calvin: Helen Thomas Webber! Maybe we have been down here a little too long. Pardon her French, son.
Adam: "Shit" is French?
Calvin: [uncomfortably] Well, it's archaic French. It's a sixteenth century colloquialism, meaning, roughly, good.
Helen: Your father's right.
Adam: Well. "Shit"!
Calvin: Son. Adam.
Adam: Yes, Father?
Calvin: Don't forget: stay out of the adult bookstore.
Adam: Adult bookstore. Why?
Calvin: Poison gas. Invisible.
Troy: [pointing to Sophie's sizeable breast implants] So, Sophie, when you fly to Paris, do you check these or are they carry-on?
Eve: And now I suppose he's trying to make those two dancers feel as comfortable as possible.
Troy: No. He didn't go home with them.
Eve: [Eve gives a happy look to Troy] ... Well.
Troy: He went home with Sophie.
Eve: [screams really loudly] No!
Troy: She swept him out of the room, whispering little sweet French nothings into his ear.
Eve's Boss at Collectables Store: [to Adam and Eve] You guys are gonna have a great time together! Mazel-fucking-tov!
Eve: Rule number one in North America: no strangers in the car.
Adam: Well if it will make you feel any better, I don't have a gun.
Eve: Oh, well that changes everything.
Calvin: Would you like a tranquilizer?
Helen: You have tranquilizers?
Calvin: I told you, I have everything!
[Calvin is reassuring his wife on their son's first night away from home]
Calvin: I just want to say, I think he's going to be fine.
Helen: Thank you, Calvin, thank you very much.
Calvin: He's smart!
Helen: Yes, dear, I know, but he's still such a baby.
Calvin: He's a man.
Helen: He's a baby man.
Adam: [During his first visit back home] Mom, I think I'm being chased by a Psychiatrist.
Helen: Oh no!
Calvin: That happens.
Eve: I'm sick of working for that dickhead.
Eve: You know, a walking penis capable of intelligent speech. A dickhead!
Adam: [Adam is with his parents at the new house] Dad, I don't know how to tell you this. And I was going to wait a while, but I think... Dad, there was no bomb. A plane crashed into our backyard. I looked it up in old newspapers.
Calvin: You're sure?
Adam: Positive. The Soviet Union collapsed without a shot being fired. The Cold War is over.
Calvin: That's what everybody believes?
Adam: Yes, sir. It's true.
Calvin: What? Did the politburo just one day say, "We give up?"
Adam: Yes. That's kind of how it was.
Calvin: My gosh, those Commies are brilliant! You've got to hand it to 'em! "No, we didn't drop any bombs! Oh yes, our evil empire has collapsed! Poor, poor us!" I bet they've even asked the West for aid! Right?
Adam: Uh, I think they have.
Calvin: Hah! Those cagey rascals! Those sly dissemblers! Those, uh... They've finally pulled the wool over everybody's eyes!
[Edited TV Version]
Eve's Boss at Collectables Store: You know why you can't keep a gosh darn job? Because you can't keep your gosh darn mouth shut! That's why!