Mike Myers: Shrek
Shrek : For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think.
Donkey : Example?
Shrek : Example... uh... ogres are like onions!
[holds up an onion, which Donkey sniffs]
Donkey : They stink?
Shrek : Yes... No!
Donkey : Oh, they make you cry?
Shrek : No!
Donkey : Oh, you leave 'em out in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs...
Shrek : [peels an onion] NO! Layers. Onions have layers. Ogres have layers... You get it? We both have layers.
Donkey : Oh, you both have LAYERS. Oh. You know, not everybody like onions. CAKE! Everybody loves cake! Cakes have layers!
Shrek : I don't care what everyone likes! Ogres are not like cakes.
Donkey : You know what ELSE everybody likes? Parfaits! Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait."? Parfaits are delicious!
Shrek : NO! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story! Bye-bye! See ya later.
Donkey : Parfait's may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet!
Shrek : That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.
Donkey : Hey, what's your problem, Shrek, what you got against the whole world anyway, huh?
Shrek : Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with ME! People take one look at me and go "Aargh! Help! Run! A big stupid ugly ogre!" They judge me before they even know me - that's why I'm better off alone...
Donkey : You know, Shrek... when we first met, I didn't think you were a big, stupid, ugly ogre.
Shrek : Yeah, I know.
[Shrek, his swamp filled with fairytale creatures, glares at Donkey]
Donkey : Hey, don't look at me, I didn't invite them!
Pinocchio : Oh, gosh, no one invited us!
Shrek : What?
Pinocchio : We were forced to come here!
Shrek : By who?
Little Pig : Lord Farquaad. He huffed, and he puffed... and he signed an eviction notice.
[arriving at Duloc]
Shrek : [observing a giant building] That must be Lord Farquaad's castle... Do you think he's maybe compensating for something?
[Shrek is hit by an arrow]
Princess Fiona : Oh!... oh, this is all my fault...
Donkey : Why, what's wrong?
Princess Fiona : Shrek's hurt!
Donkey : Shrek's hurt? Shrek's HURT? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die!
Shrek : Donkey, I'm okay!
Donkey : You can't do this to me, Shrek, I'm too young for you to die! Keep your feet elevated! Turn your head and cough! Does anybody know the Heimlich...?
Princess Fiona : [grabs Donkey] Donkey, calm down! If you want to help Shrek, go into the forest and look for a blue flower with red thorns.
Donkey : Blue flower, red thorns! Okay, I got it! Blue flower, red thorns! Blue flower, red thorns! Don't die, Shrek, and if you see any long tunnels, stay away from the light!
Shrek : DONKEY!
Donkey : Okay, okay. Blue flower, red thorns! Blue flower, red thorns!
Shrek : What're the flowers for?
Princess Fiona : For getting rid of Donkey.
Shrek : Donkey, two things okay? Shut... up!
Donkey : You're so wrapped up in layers onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings!
Shrek : [hiding in the toilet] Go away!
Donkey : See? There you are, doing it again! Just like you did to Fiona! All she ever did was like you maybe, even love you!
Shrek : LOVE me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature! I heard the two of you talking!
Donkey : She wasn't talking about you, okay? She was talking about... uh... somebody else.
Shrek : [comes out] She... wasn't... talking about me?
Princess Fiona : The sooner we get to Duloc, the better!
Donkey : Oh, you gonna love it there, Princess, it's beautiful!
Princess Fiona : And my groom-to-be Lord Farquaad, what's he like?
Shrek : Well, let me put it this way, Princess: men of his stature are in SHORT supply.
Donkey : Yeah! Though there are those who think LITTLE of him!
Princess Fiona : [hears a roar] You didn't slay the dragon?
Shrek : It's on my to-do list, now come on!
Princess Fiona : But this isn't right! You're meant to charge in, sword drawn, banners flying! That's what all the other knights did!
Shrek : Yeah, right before they burst into flame!
[They pass a skeleton of one of the unfortunate victims]
Princess Fiona : That's not the point...!
Shrek : Listen, little donkey, take a look at me! What am I?
Donkey : Ah... really tall?
Shrek : No! I'm an OGRE! You know, "grab your torch and pitchforks!" Doesn't that bother you?
Donkey : Nope.
Shrek : Really?
Donkey : Really, really.
Shrek : [taken aback] Oh.
Donkey : Man, I like you. What's your name?
Shrek : Er... Shrek.
Shrek : Princess, I was SENT to rescue you by Lord Farquad, okay? HE's the one that wants to marry you.
Princess Fiona : Well, why didn't he come to rescue me?
Shrek : Good question! You can ask him that when we get there...
Princess Fiona : But I'm supposed to be rescued by my true love, not by some ogre a-a-and his PET!
Donkey : Well, so much for noble steed!
Shrek : Look, Princess, you're not making my job any easier...
Princess Fiona : Well, I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You tell Lord "Far-Quad" that if he wants to rescue me PROPERLY, I'll be waiting for him right here!
Shrek : Hey! I'm nobody's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy!
Princess Fiona : You wouldn't dare...!
[Shrek carries her off]
Shrek : You coming, Donkey?
Donkey : Yeah, I'm right behind you.
[as they approach Fiona's castle, Donkey smells the air]
Donkey : Whoa, Shrek, did you do that? Man, you gotta warn somebody before you crack one like that, my mouth was open and everything!
Shrek : Donkey, if that was me, you'd be dead!
Shrek : That's brimstone... we must be getting close.
Donkey : Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about no brimstone. I know what I smelled, it wasn't no brim and it didn't come off no stone neither...
[a fairytale book appears]
Shrek : [narrating] Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep, in the highest room of the tallest tower, for her true love, and true love's first kiss.
[tears out a page from the book and shuts it]
Shrek : [laughs] Like THAT's ever gonna happen! What a load of...
[flushes toilet and comes out]
Donkey : Shrek, remember when you said that ogres have layers?
Shrek : Oh, aye?
Donkey : Well, I have a bit of a confession to make: donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right there on our sleeves.
Shrek : Wait a second, donkeys don't have sleeves!
Donkey : You know what I mean.
Shrek : Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of heights?
Donkey : No, I'm just uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling lake of lava!
Donkey : Shrek! Hold up, Shrek! You got to wait for the line!
Shrek : [about to burst into the cathedral] What are you talking about?
Donkey : The line, the line you gotta wait for: the priest's gonna say "Speak now or forever hold your piece", and you rush in and say "I object!"
Shrek : I don't have time for all that!
Donkey : [stops Shrek] You love this woman, don't ya?
Shrek : Yes.
Donkey : Do you wanna hold her?
Shrek : Yes!
Donkey : Please her?
Shrek : YES!
Donkey : Then ya gotta, gotta try a little TENDERNESS! Chicks love that romantic crap!
Shrek : All right, cut it out! When does this guy say the line?
Donkey : ...We gotta check that out.
Princess Fiona : [after Shrek and Donkey rescue her] The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.
Shrek : Uh, no...
Princess Fiona : Why not?
Shrek : I... have helmet hair.
Princess Fiona : Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.
Shrek : Oh, no, you wouldn't... tst.
Princess Fiona : But... how will you kiss me?
Shrek : [bangs his head] What? That wasn't in the job description!
The Donkey : Maybe it's a perk!
Princess Fiona : No, it's destiny! You must know how it goes! The Knight rescues the Princess, and then they share true love's first kiss...
The Donkey : With Shrek? Whoa, whoa, whoa... you think, you think that Shrek is your true love?
Princess Fiona : Well, yes!
[Shrek and Donkey look at each other and burst into laughter]
Princess Fiona : What is so funny?
Shrek : Let's just say, I'm not your type, all right?
Donkey : I don't get it, Shrek. Why didn't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? You know, throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grind his bones to make your bread? You know, the whole ogre trip.
Shrek : Oh, I know. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village, put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleens and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?
Donkey : Uh... no, not really, no.
Donkey : Hey, look at this!
[he goes up to an information booth and pulls a lever. After some clicking, many mechanized marionettes pop out and begin singing]
Clockwork Chorus : Welcome to Duloc, such a perfect town / Here we have some rules, let us lay them down: / Don't make waves, stay in line / And we'll get along fine / Duloc is a perfect place!
Clockwork Chorus : Please keep off of the grass / Shine your shoes, wipe your... FACE! / Duloc is, Duloc is / Duloc is a perfect... place!
[the booth takes Donkey and Shrek's photo, showing them stunned]
Donkey : Wow. Let's do that again!
Shrek : [grabs Donkey] No! No, no no no. No.
Shrek : [to Donkey] WHY are you following me?
Donkey : Oh, I'll tell you why.
[starts to sing]
Donkey : 'Cause I'm all alone / There's no one here beside me / My problems have all gone / There's no one to deride me! / But ya gotta have friends...
Shrek : STOP SINGING! Well, it's no wonder you don't have any friends!
Donkey : Wow! Only a TRUE friend would be that cruelly honest!
Donkey : Say, Shrek, what're we gonna do with our swamp?
Shrek : OUR swamp?
Donkey : You know, when we're though rescuing the princess and all that...
Shrek : Donkey, there's no "we", no "our". There's just ME and MY swamp! And the first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land.
Donkey : You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me very deep just now... You know what, Shrek? I think this whole wall thing is to keep somebody out!
Shrek : [sarcastic] No! You think?
Donkey : Are you hiding something?
Shrek : Let it go, Donkey.
Donkey : Oh, this is one of those onion things, isn't it?
Shrek : No, it's one of those drop-it-and-leave-it-alone things.
Donkey : Why won't you talk about it?
Shrek : Why do you WANT to talk about it?
Donkey : Then why are you blocking?
Shrek : I'm not blocking!
Donkey : Oh, yes you are!
Shrek : Donkey, I'm warning you...
Donkey : Just who are you trying to keep away? Just tell me that, Shrek?
Shrek : EVERYONE! All right?
Donkey : Oh, now we're getting somewhere!
Shrek : Oh, for the love of Pete...
[Shrek sneaks up on a mob about to storm his swamp]
Villager 1 : There's his lair... let's get him!
Villager 2 : Do you know what that thing could do? It'll grind your bones for its bread!
Shrek : Well, actually, that would be a giant. Now ogres, oh, they're much worse! They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin; they'll shave your liver; squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast.
Villager 1 : [brandishes a torch at Shrek] BACK! Back, ya beast! Back! I warn ya!
[Shrek licks his fingers and puts out the torch]
Villager 1 : Right.
[Shrek roars at the villagers, rendering them petrified for some time]
Shrek : [whispers] This is the part where you run away.
[the villagers scarper off]
Shrek : And stay out!
[Shrek and Fiona are having dinner on the last day of their journey]
Princess Fiona : Mmmm... This is good... mmm... this is really good... what is it?
Shrek : A weed rat, cooked rotisserie style!
Princess Fiona : No kidding... Oh, this is delicious!
Shrek : Well, they're also great in stews. Now I don't mean to brag, but I make a MEAN weedrat stew!
[They both look over at the kingdom of Duloc]
Princess Fiona : I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night...
Shrek : Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime... I'll cook all kinds of stuff for you: swamp toad soup, fish-eye tartar, you name it!
Princess Fiona : I'd like that...
[he sucks up a weedrat tail, and awkwardly laughs. She smiles back at him, and their eyes meet. In the background, a love ballad, "You Belong To Me," plays]
Shrek : Um... Princess?
Princess Fiona : Yes... Shrek?
Shrek : I... um... I was wondering... are you... um... are you going to eat that?
[he makes a gesture of frustration when she isn't looking. She places the weedrat in his hand, and they lean towards each other... ]
[Fiona notices it's sunset]
Princess Fiona : [uneasy] Shouldn't we stop to make camp?
Shrek : No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.
Princess Fiona : But, there's... ROBBERS, in the woods!
Donkey : Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is definitely starting to sound good!
Shrek : Hey, come on, I'm scarier than anything we're gonna meet in this forest...
Princess Fiona : [in Shrek's face] Find me somewhere to make camp NOW!
[eyeing the "KEEP OUT" signs surrounding Shrek's home]
Donkey : I guess you don't, uh... entertain much.
Shrek : I like my privacy.
Donkey : Y'know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. I hate it when you've got someone in your face, you try to give someone a hint and they won't leave, and then there's that big awkward silence...
[big awkward silence ensues]
Donkey : ...Can I stay with you?
Shrek : What?
Donkey : Can I stay with you? Please?
Shrek : Of course!
Donkey : Really?
Shrek : No.
Donkey : Please! I don't wanna go back there, you don't know what it's like to be treated as a freak!... Well, maybe you do... but that's why we gotta stick together! You gotta let me stay! Please! PLEASE!
Donkey : Okay, let me get this straight: you gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad'll give you back your swamp, which you only don't have 'cause he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right?
Shrek : You know what? Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.
Shrek : Go over there and see if you can find any stairs.
Donkey : Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the Princess.
Shrek : The Princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.
Donkey : How do you know that?
Shrek : I read it in a book once.
Donkey : Cool! You handle the dragon, I'll handle the stairs!
[Donkey and Shrek are looking at constellations in the night sky]
The Donkey : So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?
Shrek : Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.
The Donkey : Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?
Shrek : That's the moon.
The Donkey : Oh, okay.
Shrek : So... what did Fiona say about me?
Donkey : Ah, what're you asking me for? Why don't you go and ask her!
Shrek : The wedding! We'll never make it in time!
Donkey : Ha-ha-ha! Never fear! Where there's a will, there's a way. And I have a way.
[blows a whistle, and Dragon appears in the sky; an overjoyed Shrek grabs Donkey and cuddles him]
Donkey : All right, all right, that's enough. No one likes a kiss-ass.
Shrek : Donkey? What are you doing?
Donkey : [gathering branches] I would think YOU of all people would recognize a wall when you saw one!
Shrek : Well, yeah... but the wall's supposed to go AROUND my swamp, not through it!
Donkey : It is around your swamp! That's your half and this's mine!
Shrek : Oh, your half! Hmmm!
Donkey : Yes, MY half! I helped rescue the Princess! I did half the work, I get half the booty! Now hand over that big rock, the one that looks like your head!
Shrek : Thank you, thank you very much. I'm here 'til Thursday. Try the veal.
Shrek : Um... Fiona?
Princess Fiona : Yes, Shrek?
Shrek : I... I love you.
Princess Fiona : Really?
Shrek : Really, really!
Princess Fiona : Mmmm... I love you too.
[they kiss. Thalonius writes "Awwww" on a cue card for the audience. Fiona floats up in the air and her enchantment breaks in a blaze of light... ]
Donkey : Oh, now I really see what's going on...
Shrek : I don't know what you're talking about...
Donkey : Hey, I don't even wanna hear... Look, I'm an animal, I got instincts, and I know you two were diggin' on each other!
Shrek : Oh, you're crazy! I'm just bringing her back to Farqusad!
Donkey : Oh, come on, Shrek, wake up and smell the pheromones! Just go in there and tell her you how you feel!
Shrek : Arrgh! There's nothing to tell! Even if I DID have... I'm not saying I am, 'cause I don't... she's a princess! And I'm...
Donkey : An ogre?
Shrek : Yeah. An ogre.
Donkey : Where're you going?
Shrek : To get... more firewood.
[Donkey looks askance at a full pile of firewood]
[arriving at the Dragon's castle]
Shrek : Sure, it's big enough... but look at the location!
Shrek : Hold the phone.
Captain of Guards : [to Shrek, after finding him and Donkey in the woods] You there! Ogre!
Shrek : Aye?
Captain of Guards : [to both Shrek and Donkey] By the order of Lord Farquaad, I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated resettlement - facility.
Shrek : Oh, really? You and what army?
[the Captain looks behind him and notices that his soldiers have run away, leaving their spears behind. He does the same]
[staring up at the starry night]
Shrek : [pointing at a constellation] ... and that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to spit over three wheat fields.
Donkey : Okay, I see it. Hey, Shrek, can you tell my future from these stars?
Shrek : Well, the stars don't tell the future, Donkey, they tell stories. That one is Bloodnok, the Flatulent. You can guess what HE's famous for...
Donkey : Okay, now I know you're making that up!
Shrek : [pointing] No! See, that's him, and this is the group of hunters running away from his stench.
Donkey : Man, that ain't nothing but a bunch of little dots.
Shrek : You know, Donkey, things are more than what they seem, hmm?... Forget it.
Lord Farquaad : [Shrek has barged into the tournament] Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre, will be named champion! Have at him!
[all the knights draw their weapons and converge on Shrek]
Shrek : Okay, now... can't we just settle this over a pint!
[holds up a friendly mug, to no avail]
Shrek : No? All right then! COME ON!
[He bursts one of the ale barrels]
Shrek : I live in a swamp! I put up signs! I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do to get a little privacy?
[Monsieur Hood abducts Fiona]
Shrek : Hey, that's my princess! Go find your own!
[Blind Mouse is on Shrek's shoulder, sniffing]
Blind Mouse : I found some cheese.
[Blind Mouse bites Shrek in the ear]
Shrek : Ow!
Blind Mouse : Ugh! Awful stuff.