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'How Do I Love Thee? Let Me Count the Lays.....!' (1979)

| Adult | 1979 (USA)


Walt Davis (as David Stefans)


Uncredited cast:
Judy Angel Judy Angel ... Party Girl / Linda (archive footage) (uncredited)
Andy Bellamy Andy Bellamy ... Deana (archive footage) (uncredited)
Gerard Broulard Gerard Broulard ... Hypnotist (archive footage) (uncredited)
Alex Elliot Alex Elliot ... Blond Swinger's Husband (archive footage) (uncredited)
John Holmes ... Groom (uncredited)
Lynn Holmes Lynn Holmes ... Yvonne (archive footage) (uncredited)
Patti Lee Patti Lee ... Bride (uncredited)
Sheldon Lee Sheldon Lee ... Hypnotized Guy (archive footage) (uncredited)
Charles Lish Charles Lish ... Chuck (archive footage) (uncredited)
Ann Perry Ann Perry ... Saleslady (archive footage) (uncredited)
Becky Sharpe Becky Sharpe ... Girl in San Diego (archive footage) (uncredited)
Susan Westcott Susan Westcott ... Blond Swinger / Hypnotized Girl (archive footage) (uncredited)


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Release Date:

1979 (USA) See more »

Also Known As:

John Holmes Caballero Classic Series Volume One: Let Me Count the Lays See more »

Company Credits

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Technical Specs




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Did You Know?


Edited from My Tongue Is -Quick! (1971) See more »


Gypsys, Tramps & Thieves
Written by Bob Stone
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User Reviews

Badly made loop carrier for fans of The Wadd
10 June 2011 | by lor_See all my reviews

Recycled footage is the name of the game in this John Holmes vehicle. I like director Walt Davis's work, but not this baby.

I'm reviewing the cut-rate version issued by Something Weird on Vo.l. 166 of its Dragon Art Theatre series. The projectionist (or somebody) lost nearly two reels' worth of footage, but I have zero interest in springing for a longer version on DVD.

SWV mangles both framing stories, the mere excuses for "roll the loop!". Roger Caine is the author of a manuscript titled "Stoop to Conquer" and we see the facades of Manhattan headquarters for many leading publishers including Charles Scribner's, McGraw-Hill, Simon & Schuster and Time-Life as he hands it to a prospective femme editor.

Tome is apparently about the exploits of Holmes, with second narrative featuring actual SOUND (the loops are MOS w/Holmes' in-jokey narration) as Holmes gently coaxes his beautiful bride (Patti Lee, looking good) to make love to him, though she is fearful. Loud noise of the camera motor whirring is present during these scenes.

What unfolds, besides the iterative Lee/Holmes footage, are old vignettes of JH in action, shot circa 1971. He looks quite different in each, with or without mustache and finally adorned with a fake-looking handlebar plus ridiculous frizzy, Afro-styled hair.

First one has the great Andy Bellamy (his frequent co-star including the original JOHNNY WADD film) servicing Holmes, as his friend Chuck watches. Another couple joins them for an orgy, and the soundtrack has Muzak versions of everything from "Gypsies, Tramps & Thieves" to the theme from "Shaft". Idiotic attempt at style has the camera spinning around clockwise to try and capture disparate orgy action around the frame at the end of this lengthy loop.

Next segment is lifted from Holmes' funny detective movie MY TONGUE IS- QUICK!, with the pug-nosed actress who played secretary Virginia in that picture being called Polly here. Set aboard a boat, she humps a guy named Dan and then Holmes. The voice-over says the action was being observed by Holmes' twin brother Jim, and we see Holmes with the toy "telescope" (looks like a child's kaleidoscope), the telltale prop used in MY TONGUE IS- QUICK!

Third vignette guest stars Gerard Broulard, a wonderful softcore star who gets down but is not seen here crossing over into XXX land. Broulard is hypnotizing everybody at an orgy, including Holmes and there's plenty of sloppy sex as Holmes humps a girl named Yvonne. Oddest touch is pirating an extremely far-out Cecil Taylor jazz track as background music.

Fourth sequence is a continuation of #3 (separated by typical "go-out-of-focus" transition), with a blonde door-to-door cosmetics saleslady grabbed and hypnotized, to become the centerpiece of Broulard's ongoing orgy. She's well-built, and Holmes' voice-over stresses that fact, as his ongoing color commentary always describes each lady's breasts.

Mid-way through this sequence we return for the umpteenth time to Patti Lee with Holmes, as she takes his mighty member inside like a pro (which she was, after all). Final segment enlists Judy Angel (previously seen in an orgy, now playing a hooker named Linda) doing a good fellatio job on Holmes, he now of the Afro haircut. His voice-over explains that this was when he was fresh out of college, before joining the Navy. There's plenty of fake groaning dubbed in at this point, and the SWV print blissfully ends mid-scene.

PET PEEVE: IMDb lists under Trivia the wikipedia-ready misinformation that Holmes made the most feature-length porn movies of all time, over 2,000. His bio is more accurate -that figure would include loops (the lion's share of the total), not just features, and one has to consider the endless recycling that pads the count, as in the case of this loop carrier. Fact is that many famous porn stars, Ron Jeremy and Peter North most obviously, have made far more features (film plus video) than JH, and even current young talent (say James Deen) are more prolific. There is no documentation available about loops, which probably were the best vehicle for The Wadd's dubious talents.

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