America's Sweethearts (2001)
Billy Crystal: Lee Phillips
Danny : You like Eddie, don't you?
Lee : I love him.
Danny : But you leaked the tape.
Lee : Survival rule number three, kid: You're not here to love anybody. You're here to promote a movie. That's it. Period. Say you're here and you get word that your mother died. You know, like, hit by a bus or something. You go downstairs, you shed a tear, and you say, "It's a shame. She would have loved this movie."
Lee : [on the phone] Hello, darling, can I have Holly Golightly's cottage, please?
Danny : Who's that?
Lee : It's Gwen's code name. It's from "Breakfast at Tiffany's".
Danny : Oh. What's that?
Lee : It's a movie, it's a great movie. Hepburn?
Danny : Right. Katharine.
Lee : Let me tell you something. Don't tell anybody you're in the movie business. Okay? Thank you.
Lee : You look fabulous.
Kiki : Thank you.
Lee : Look at you. What did you do? Is it your hair? What is it?
Kiki : It's my hair, and, err... I had a little sun.
Gwen : [bored] She lost sixty pounds.
Kiki : [pause] And... And... And I lost a little weight.
Lee : I see that. Yeah. You look terrific.
Kiki : Thank you.
Lee : Sixty pounds?
Kiki : Yeah.
Lee : That's a Backstreet Boy!
Lee : Eddie, the next time you try to kill yourself, just take a hairdryer into the bathtub.
Leaf Weidmann : Can I defend my father's work?
Gwen : No, you cannot. Who's her father?
Lee : Hal.
Gwen : No, you cannot!
Leaf Weidmann : Well, at least let me defend Hector. I only slept with him once, but I know his penis is bigger than a roll of quarters.
Gwen : [to Hector] You slept with her?
Hector : No! I did not...
Gwen : You slept with her!
Hector : No! No, she is lying!
[grabs the microphone]
Hector : Except for the part about my penis. That's true. It's bigger than coins.
Dave : Well, Lee, I have to say, you have completely outdone yourself. In twenty-four hours, you've given us a walk in the woods, a romantic dinner, and a fist fight. I can't wait to see what happens next!
Lee : [pointedly] Maybe I can get him to commit suicide. Would you like that?
Dave : I don't know. Let me think about it.
Lee : Oh, yeah. I mean, it won't help the initial release, but it'll rent like crazy when it goes to video. We can do a box like a coffin, maybe wrap it in a little black ribbon.
Dave : Ooh, yeah. No, that's good. No, no, wait... imagine if he killed himself at the premiere.
Dave : I'm joking... I mean, I'm... thinking out loud, or whatever you call it.
Lee : They liked the movie. The press actually liked this crazy movie. They're calling it the "Blair Bitch Project".
Dave : Remember the crazy guy in the woods?
Davis : Ted Kaczynski.
Dave : Who, the guy at Fox?
Lee : The Unabomber.
Dave : Yeah, the Unabomber. Okay? Remember how he lived in that little cabin?
Lee : So?
Dave : Hal Weidmann bought that cabin from the government and had it moved onto his property. That is where he edits his movies. That is his little, twisted, sicko office.
Lee : [to Gwen's dog] Can I explain why I didn't call?
Kingman : I want only one thing: if people think that Eddie and Gwen are going to get back together again, they will go see this movie. I need you to make that happen.
Lee : [smirks] Oh, that'll be easy.
Kingman : Well, look, just make it look like maybe it *could* happen...
Lee : Dave, she has a restraining order against him, and he flipped out, he's nuts! He's living in some nut hut up in the mountains or something.
Kingman : So what? I don't care! I need Eddie and Gwen back together again, smiling and happy! We can sell the shit out of that, Lee.
Lee : What about the Spaniard?
Kingman : Unless I get a script called "I Shtupped Castro", I don't know what to do with him.
Lee : Ladies and gentlemen, here they are... Eddie and Gwen, together again! America's Sweethearts.
Eddie : I blew it. I lost her.
Lee : Guy goes to his rabbi. He says, "I think my wife's trying to poison me." Rabbi says, "Let me talk to her." Comes back a little later and says, "Listen, I spoke to your wife for three hours. Take the poison." You get it? You and Gwen are over.
Eddie : I don't care about Gwen! I'm talking about Kiki.
Lee : So, do you want to arrive first or second?
Eddie : Second.
Lee : Be right back.
[goes to Gwen's limo]
Lee : He wants to go second.
Kiki : Let him go second.
Gwen : He can go second. No, wait a minute. He should go first. I don't want to look like his opening act. I want to go second.
Kiki : She wants to go second.
Lee : Second it is.
[goes back to Eddie's limo]
Lee : She wants to go second.
Eddie : Fine, let her come second. I don't care. Let her come behind me. That way she'll be able to see the knife she stuck in my back.
Lee : Thank you.
Kiki : [back at Gwen's limo] Great! Second. We're all set.
Gwen : Who cares?
Kiki : She doesn't care.
Gwen : Yes, I do! I'm going first!
Eddie : [back at Eddie's limo] I don't care! I don't care! Why is this an issue?
Lee : I'm just trying to facilitate the...
Eddie : I don't care! Can we just get to the hotel?
Lee : You're going second.
Eddie : [rolling up the window] I don't care! I don't care! I don't care! I don't care! I don't care!
Lee : You're going second. Eddie? You're going second.
Eddie : [rolls down the window] I don't care.
Lee : Okay. Thank you.
[Eddie rolls up the window]
Lee : Well, that was easy.
Limo Driver : I don't know why we have to go second.
Eddie : JUST DRIVE THE CAR!
Hector : Who is this?
Lee : Hi, Hector, I'm Lee Phillips, press agent for "Time Over Time." Just in case you thought I was some guy coming to sweep her off her feet.
Hector : No, no. You're too old.
Gwen : Oh! Hector, honey, be good. I'm sorry, Lee, he's Spanish.
Lee : No problem. I was Spanish once myself.
Lee : [on the phone] Hello? Hey, Gwen, it's Lee. Listen, I'm at the restaurant, and guess what? You're not! Are you okay?... Oh, that's too bad... No, no, Eddie's fine. He's with Kiki, and she looks unbelievable. It may be a little "hello, young lovers" for me, and I may have some fires to put out later, but hey, that's my problem, isn't it?... Have a nice night. Feel better. Okay. Bye.
Lee : Five minutes.
Danny : You're amazing.
Lee : Take notes, kid.
Lee : [to Gwen's Dobberman] Nazi bastard!
Eddie : Lee, I can't do this! I told you this was a mistake. She's very close to here, now, isn't she? She's in the next room, I can feel her.
Lee : No. She's in the cottage at the back of the property.
Eddie : [pause] I sensed that. She's close, man, she's real close.
Lee : No, she's not. The cottages are way back on the property. Way back.
Lee : [to Eddie] Come on, you've gotta confront her. Get it over with. She fell in love with another guy, alright? It happens.
Lee : Now, we have to keep the press entertained and on the go. The best junkets are the ones where the press thinks it's a weekend not about the movie, but about them. So we have to program the shit out of them: cocktail parties, hayrides, circle jerks. Whatever you have to do to keep them from remembering they haven't seen the movie they're there to review. What are we doing for gifts?
Danny : Oh, uh, the movie's about a cop traveling through time, so l did a gun.
Lee : You're giving members of the press a gun?
Danny : Well, no, it's not real...
Lee : [rolls his eyes] We'll do a bag, a really nice bag. Call Sol, the bag man. Diamond earrings for the ladies, money clips for the men. Move it, Gail! Chocolate truffles, the best perfume.