Mr. Deeds (2002)
Adam Sandler: Longfellow Deeds
Babe : [reading a poem Deeds wrote for her] "Hard to breathe / Feels like floating / So full of love my heart's exploding. / Mouth is dry / Hands are shaking / My heart is yours for the taking. / Acting weird / Not myself / Dancing around like the Keebler elf. / Finally time / for this poor schlubb / To know how it feels to fall in lub."
Longfellow Deeds : I couldn't find any other words that rhyme with "schlub..."
[Babe pulls Deeds towards her and the two kiss for one long moment]
Babe : Oh, Deeds... oh, I am so sorry...
[breaks into tears and runs away]
Longfellow Deeds : No, don't be... I mean, that was my first kiss too...
Longfellow Deeds : So how is the elevator business treating you, Reuben?
Reuben the Elevator Operator : Oh, it has its ups and downs.
[They both start laughing]
Longfellow Deeds : What are you in for?
Crazy Eyes : Eeh, I'm doin' an overnighter for bitin' the mailman.
[waves his hand]
Crazy Eyes : He was tryin' to cast some spell on me like a wizard or somethin'.
Longfellow Deeds : You sure about that?
Crazy Eyes : On second thought maybe he was just wavin'.
[waves hand then sees Chuck and Cecil]
Crazy Eyes : Who're your friends?
Longfellow Deeds : This is Chuck and Cecil, they're visiting from New York.
Crazy Eyes : I don't like 'em.
Longfellow Deeds : Ok then.
[Deeds comes to rescue a girl fallen into a frozen pond, but stops when he sees it's Babe]
Longfellow Deeds : Where do you got the camera hidden? In the woods?
Babe : [shivering] No camera! I'm s-s-so cold! Please!
Longfellow Deeds : You're gonna get mugged in there, too?
Babe : I'm s-s-s-so s-s-s-sorry! I really l-l-love you!
Longfellow Deeds : Bu-bu-bu-bu-bullshit!
Rev. Al Sharpton : Now Brother Preston is soaring with eagles high above, because he lived a life of love. Yes he's flying way up high, because he was a supercool guy. He's gone away, too soon it seems, leaving behind his unfinished dreams.
Longfellow Deeds : This guy could live a life writing greeting cards.
Rev. Al Sharpton : Yes we remember Preston Blake, a man with faith no man could shake. A strength no man could break. A character no man could fake. For goodness sake, let's eat some cake.
Funeral attendants : Amen
Longfellow Deeds : You, sir. What did you want to be when you grew up?
Shareholder : I wanted to be veterinarian.
Longfellow Deeds : Cool. Why did you want to do that?
Shareholder : I wanted to help sick animals.
Longfellow Deeds : And what do you do now?
Shareholder : I own a chain of slaughterhouses.
Longfellow Deeds : Kind of went the other way on that one.
Longfellow Deeds : Anyone else?
Shareholder : I wanted to be a magician!
Longfellow Deeds : What do you do now?
Shareholder : I operate a pornographic website.
Longfellow Deeds : I guess that makes people happy too, in a much grosser way.
Longfellow Deeds : It's hard to soar with the eagles when you're surrounded by turkeys.
Babe : At the lake, when you saved my life... which I never thanked you for...
Longfellow Deeds : You're welcome.
Babe : ...you said that you didn't know who I was, and it made me realize... I don't know who I am. So I started working on it, and here's what I've got so far: My name is Babe Bennett. I grew up in Sayasset, Long Island. I have brown eyes and I don't know what my natural hair colour is anymore. When I was in fifth grade, I got a crush on Walter Kronkite, and... and I really did have that Holly Hobby notebook I was telling you about. I love Bruce Springsteen, Allman Roka and Abbott and Costello movies. I don't like liquorice, or my ankles. Most importantly, I know that I messed up real bad, and I'd be willing to spend the rest of my life begging you to give me another chance, because I am so deeply in love with you, and I know that it's definitely that forever kind of love that...
Longfellow Deeds : You're crazy.
[Babe trails off into silence]
Longfellow Deeds : You have beautiful ankles.
Longfellow Deeds : [to Emilio] Don't be nervous, go ahead. Didn't feel it. Isn't that awesome. Oh, yeah, enjoy the force. I know you're starting to like it aren't ya? You sick! You sick! Why would you do that to me? I'm just kidding you, pal.
Longfellow Deeds : I bet if we ran into the sixth grade version of ourselves, they'd give us wet willies and put bubble gum in our hair for even thinking about doing this.
Shareholder : He's right! I would've beaten my greedy ass red!
Shareholder : I would've thrown myself off the merry-go-round.
Shareholder : I would've duct tape myself naked to a chair and burnt myself with lit cigarettes.
Longfellow Deeds : Did anyone dream of becoming a psychiatrist? Just kidding.
[Deeds' poem is printed on greeting cards all over the state]
Babe : "Hard to breathe / Feels like floating..."
Reuben : "So full of love my heart's exploding..."
Emilio : [stroking a beautiful woman] "Mouth is dry / Hands are shaking..."
Cecil Anderson : [seated next to Kitty on a bench] "My heart is yours for the taking..."
Nazo, the Italian Delivery Man : [stroking a cat] "Acting weird / Not myself..."
Jan : "Dancing around like the Keebler elf..."
Longfellow Deeds : "Finally time / for this poor schlubb / To know how it feels to fall in lub."
Longfellow Deeds : What up, Chuck?
Longfellow Deeds : Are you sure about that?
Longfellow Deeds : Ma'am, you were just the victim of a New York City mugger. As I suspected, he was a coward and a weakling, and also wore more cologne than any man should wear.
Longfellow Deeds : [to Chuck] Handshakes are for strangers, pal. We hug around here, buddy. What's up? What's up?
Longfellow Deeds : I promise to love you for fifty years more / Even when your bosoms sag down to the floor.
Longfellow Deeds : [singing] # This is major Tom to ground control / I'm stepping through the door #
Longfellow Deeds : [to Emilio] I got wicked bad frost bite when I was in the scouts. Check it out.
[at a swanky dinner]
Longfellow Deeds : Oh, I get it... You all invited me here so you could look down on me. Well, let me tell you that here you may all laugh at me, but down in Mandrake Falls we would laugh at you all.
[Deeds finds Babe trapped underneath a sheet of ice]
Longfellow Deeds : [removes his shoe] Get ready... here comes the foot!
Babe : NOOOO!
[Deeds shoves his frostbitten foot through the ice... right next to Babe]
Longfellow Deeds : I know, it's gross - grab it!
[pulls Babe out of the ice with the foot]
[Deeds asks all the shareholders to look at themselves as children, and as now]
Longfellow Deeds : We all had these dreams, and then we got jobs to achieve those dreams. But we wanted more money, and we got rid of our dreams. You know, if your nine-year olds saw you guys the way you are, you'd get your butts kicked right now! I mean, look what's happened to us!
[Lopez fires everyone on the board, and is about to fire Cecil Anderson... ]
Longfellow Deeds : Ah, hold on a moment. Allow him to hang around a little longer. He can do a good job if you give him the chance.
Emilio : Very well...
Emilio : I shall expect you at seven tomorrow morning, so that I can change your socks.
Longfellow Deeds : I can't run a company... I can't even run my own life!
Longfellow Deeds : What are you doing in New York?
Babe, aka "Pam Dawson" : I'm a school nurse.
Longfellow Deeds : There's no way you're a school nurse.
Babe, aka "Pam Dawson" : Why, don't you believe me?
Longfellow Deeds : You're too nice to be a school nurse. My school nurse was so mean, every time I'd tell her I had a tummy ache, she'd send me back to my class and say, "Stop whining."
Babe, aka "Pam Dawson" : But that's awful!
Longfellow Deeds : Well, I said it every day.
Longfellow Deeds : You guys football fans? I think the Pats can take the conference this year. I mean, the Dolphins are overrated and the Jets are choke artists.
Helicopter Pilot : I wouldn't say that, Mr. Deeds.
Longfellow Deeds : Just Deeds. And why is that, though?
Helicopter Pilot : You own the Jets, Deeds.
Longfellow Deeds : I do? Whoa. That sucks. Jeez, I hope they don't play the Pats in the playoffs or I'll have to kill myself.
Babe, aka "Pam Dawson" : You know, when I was a kid, I wanted to be a news reporter.
Longfellow Deeds : Oh yeah?
Babe, aka "Pam Dawson" : Yeah. I used to go around interviewing everyone, and writing notes in my little Holly Hobby notebook.
Babe, aka "Pam Dawson" : People didn't like that; I got beat up a lot.
Longfellow Deeds : Do you remember their names?
Babe, aka "Pam Dawson" : Where do you hail from, Deeds?
Longfellow Deeds : Mandrake Falls, New Hampshire. Just a little town nobody's ever heard of.
Babe, aka "Pam Dawson" : I'm from a little town like that. In Iowa.
Longfellow Deeds : Is that right? What part?
Babe, aka "Pam Dawson" : Winchesterton... field... ville...
Longfellow Deeds : [Deeds and John McEnroe were causing mayhem throughout the streets of New York at night] Watch out, Johnny!
[John McEnroe jumps very high from the road and lands after the car drives by]
John McEnroe : What kind of driving is that? You're a fucking disgrace!
Mac McGrath : [Cut back to Inside Access] No, sir. YOU are a disgrace.