Death, Deceit & Destiny Aboard the Orient Express (2001) Poster

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1/10
Not the Worst Movie Ever Made BUT....
fairb5 March 2005
With a small budget, Mr. Roper populates a railroad station with a large cast of extras who do very little but give a false sense of grandeur. We are introduced to a cast of characters who could, under certain circumstances, be interesting. There is a McGuffen that holds promise for fascinating interaction and believable action.

None of these things occur.

The mismatched cast bumbles through dialogue unfit for human consumption. The continuity is so bad that sections of the transparent plot simply seem to disappear. But it all grinds on in weary tedium until someone, I forget just who, blows up something and everyone kisses and makes up somewhere in Bulgaria or another.

In the fifties, this thing would go directly to a drive-in to be shown late at night to clear out the loiterers. Today, it has no place in the company of art and artists. Please, God, let there not be a sequel.
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2/10
THIS overrated flick is crap and will always BE crap.
Elswet13 June 2007
I realize that Agatha Christie does not legally own the Orient Express, but I have to say that if THIS crap-fest is any indication, cinematically, she owns it outright. But even without factoring this against Christie's Murder On The Orient Express, this film is pure detritus.

This is about a terrorist and the celebrities he traps aboard a bomb-laden Orient Express. Or, so the synopsis says. What it was in actuality, was a flick wherein the heroines trip over their own feet, drop the gun and as it goes off it kills the bad guys, and any other contrived and clichéd piece of fecal matter it could find to insert.

This is probably one of the worst movies along this vein I've ever had the displeasure of having been forced to watch. There is not one single redeeming factor about this work, including Mark Roper the director. The truth be known, if you want a "B" action flick done cheaply without a single concern for lack of budget or talent? Hire Mark Roper. He's your man.

All in all? Don't waste your time. Watch Murder on the Orient Express instead. It may be dated, but it's still a beautiful piece of film. THIS is overrated crap and will always BE overrated crap.

It rates a 1.9/10 from...

the Fiend :.
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3/10
Slow train to nowhere!
Mikew300121 July 2006
Okay, all-time b-movie action hero Richard Grieco (remember Booker and 20 Jump Street?) meets up with some rich European and American people on a luxury train for a New Year's Eve trip across Europe, and of course a bunch of Islamic terrorists takes the train and blackmails the poor Western citizens... and of course it's Grieco's and some well-looking model's turn to find some bombs on the train and fight the foreign terrorist power...

It's sometimes impressing how the casting people decide for a film's actors. This time, German non-actor Christoph Waltz, notorious for his never-moving face expressions, plays an Islamic terrorist leader. Grieco rather looks like an early nineties' Seattle grunge guitarist and is really misplaced on a high-society luxury train, and the rest of the actors... well, after the film is over, you're lucky that you have survived the big express to boredom. Nor a highlight amongst the terrorists on a train movies, neither an entertaining action flick really... skip it!
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The Makers of This Movie are The Actual Terrorists ! (My List of The Worst 10 Things in Here)
elshikh47 May 2008
Warning: Spoilers
1 - If that alleged terrorist of the movie invited the most rich people on earth to plunder their money through 10 % of everyone's fortune, then why by any chance he invited a trivial movie star who gains just 20 million dollars every year?!! Why to bring one man who could get something near 200 thousands dollars in the same time that you already have others who could get 200 million? Extremely idiot.. and I don't mean the terrorist!

2 - This very invitation was top secret. Fine. So how about all the people who saw the guests at the railway station before they got into the train at that long one shot scene where, for instance, some fans wanted the autograph of the young singer, and the girls were just pathetically crazy about (Richard Grieco)??!!

3 - I can't believe that the stars of Hollywood's action movies are action heroes in real life. In fact, all the action stars who is that graceful and bold to the extent that they don't need any stunt doubles isn't Americans all along. Remember (Jean-Paul Belmondo) for example, and (Jackie Chan) for another. Moreover, having Mr. (Richard Grieco) as the great courageous adventurous was something not only unbelievable but also provocative!

4 - When (Grieco) and the Russian girl were above the train holding the bomb and not knowing at all what could stop it, (Grieco) said: "Let us try"!, and he was aware that if he was wrong they would go BOOOM! But he said: "Let us try", so he might be very much brave, or very much stupid!

5 - Despite that I didn't understand what was the dramatic benefit of (Grieco) killing the Russian big guy, I think that the Russian ballerina was too fat to be one in the first place! Not to mention how she was capable of climbing the train more than once! Or why does she climb? Maybe anybody meets (Grieco) becomes in need of being a hero, OR killing himself anyway!

6 - How the mobile phone mogul could stop all the bombs by the phones?!

7 - The repeating of the shots' angles, with the poorness of the set, made a visually boring pace, plus the pleasure of watching (Grieco)'s thin eyebrows for all the time also; that demands more than human patience to stand it!

8 - The movie's message, or its obvious point of view: All the eastern half of the world is dead set on being nothing but lustful (the wealthy young man from the southeast of Asia), disloyal (his twin brother), bestial rapist (the Russian guy), or terrorist that hates the west (The Turkish kidnapper), and most of them got killed at the end simply because they're too dumb, or too selfish, to survive. On the other hand, all the western characters seem smarter, braver, and despite their own weakness and defects, they can unite heroically. This kind of formula that the movie presents didn't make my day to say the least!

9 - The movie's goofs is beyond countless: the train is so slow while (Grieco) is under it to terminate the bombs, the air bag that one of the stunt doubles jumps over (as one bad guy falls from the train) was so clear and its color was white!, at the last encounter, where (Grieco) was threatening the poor terrorist, (Grieco)'s face was all covered by his long hair! Actually, he could have ended the terrorist plainly if he let him watch one of his movies, but he was that merciful!

10 - The long title; which is the worst to a degree that would make this movie historically known as bad one in a funny way!

I liked the music; it was better than the movie in some parts. And I liked the plot; it was new for a train situation's movie. But the whole movie was something that couldn't be beloved. Sometimes it gave the vibe of a porn movie. Sorry, but with the zero budget, and the zero talents, I felt powerfully like that.

Although it was like a terrorist crime in itself, but there is a good lesson to be learned from it: Sometimes many countries participate in making a poor movie, putting in mind that this one - believe it or not - was a Canadian, British, Bulgarian, and Italian production!
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2/10
Laughable
christophwaltzfans26 August 2012
The only reason to watch this film is to see a future Academy Award winning actor doing something abjectly horrible to pay the bills.

The best part is when Waltz skips off through the train laughing maniacally towards the end. The rest is just... poorly acted rubbish. If you're watching this with the desire to see more of Waltz acting in English... do yourself a favor, and skip it.

Everyone has a few stinkers in their back pocket and this is Mr. Waltz's. Mark Roper must be a pseudonym for garbage as this, and Queens Messenger (Queen's Mess) are just horrid, flawed, nonsensical films with terrible acting, cheap locations, and plots that make no sense whatsoever.
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1/10
Absolute Crap
roy-50-19321711 July 2014
Warning: Spoilers
I was short of something to do this afternoon and saw this on the listings - big mistake! Wooden acting and sets that defy description are just part of the problem. For example the train carriages must be 20 feet wide - the corridors are about 6 feet and the compartments even more. If you've ever been on a real train with compartments (sleeping or otherwise) you'll know just how cramped they are.

As for the acting, well I try not to use foul language, but in this case it's the only way to describe it - so I'll just leave it at that.

In all I'd recommend that anyone thinking of watching it doesn't bother - unless you have no taste at all!
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