She Spies (2002–2004)
Shane Phillips: We've got 'She Spy' action figures.
D.D. Cummings: We have 'She Spy' action figures?
Shane Phillips: Yeah. You wind them up and they dare you to find their time slot.
D.D. Cummings: That's insane.
Meelbow: No more insane then three beautiful ex-cons working for a clandestine government organization., trying to rid the world of all wrongdoing.
Everyone: Umm, yeah, yep. Pretty much.
Cassie McBain: There are things I'd rather be doing than dying.
Shane Phillips: Playing miniature golf.
Cassie McBain: Wallpapering the guest bedroom.
Shane Phillips: Watching the second season of 'The Bachelor.'
Shane Phillips: Nah.
Cassie McBain: Rather be dying.
D.D. Cummings: It'd be really great if there was something really hard and really scary that you had to do, and you could somehow zoom to the part where you're done and you're fine.
[jump-cut from them on the roof of a building to inside]
Cassie McBain: That worked great!
Jack Wilde: Give me a J.Lo.
Bartender: What's that?
Jack Wilde: Whatever you want - just put it in a big-ass glass.
Jack Wilde: In regards to our roles, maybe we should be wacky siblings?
Cassie McBain: Can we still be married?
Jack Wilde: In certain parts of Kentucky and West Virginia. And for anyone from those lovely states who might have overheard, I was of course making a joke.
Jack Wilde: Hey! Come back here. I ordered a Diet Coke. Not this generic and fizz-free soft drink that looks like a prop on some first-run syndicated TV show.
[to a suspect]
Shane Phillips: You've got a record longer than In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida.
Jack Wilde: [voiceover] While both sides have valid points of view, the producers of 'She Spies' wish to state that we take no stand whatsoever on the issue of animal testing, as we lack the moral fiber to take a strong position on anything at all.
Jack Wilde: Ladies, I have a bone to pick with you.
Cassie McBain: Darn, I was hoping to have a boneless day.
Jack Wilde: If he gets those hands on those trade secrets the livelihoods of thousands of factory workers are at stake.
Cassie McBain: So is this another one of those conversations where we both know all these things but for some reason we have to say them out loud?
Jack Wilde: Yeah, I guess so.
Cassie McBain: And you don't want to see me mad. Do you know why?
Cassie McBain: Because mad is bad. Repeat after me. 'Mad is bad.'
Karg: 'Mad is bad'?
Cassie McBain: Louder.
Karg: Mad is bad.
Cassie McBain: That's good.
Karg: Mad is good?
Cassie McBain: Of course not. It's bad.
Karg: Mad is bad or mad is good?
Cassie McBain: Mad is bad and that's what good.
Karg: It's good that it's bad?
Cassie McBain: And it's bad that it's good.
Karg: Mad is bad, and bad is good, so that means that mad is good for being bad.
Cassie McBain: And don't you forget it.
Shane Phillips: It's sleaze like that that gives sleaze like us a bad name.
Jack Wilde: Yeah, well, contact your union.
Amy: Who the hell are you people?
Shane Phillips: We're ex-cons working for a clandestine group to take down low-lifes likes you.
Mica Divornak: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Cassie McBain: Yeah, everyone always says that.
Shane Phillips: Right before we kick their asses.
D.D. Cummings: We're going to watch some fun and age-appropriate TV... We so don't want to watch two soap stars talking about having an affair.
D.D. Cummings: Or someone planning a murder.
D.D. Cummings: Or discussing incest.
D.D. Cummings: Or planning to murder someone they had an incestuous affair with.
D.D. Cummings: Or talk shows about cross-dressers.
D.D. Cummings: Or talk shows about incestuous cross-dressers who murder.
D.D. Cummings: Or divorce court. Or people's court.
D.D. Cummings: Or recreated murders that end up in court.
D.D. Cummings: Or Cedric.
Cassie McBain: I love a man who's mildly assertive. No, I don't. I always get those two confused.
Tanya: You should be thankful, you know. In some species the female eats the male after mating.
Jack Wilde: And not in the way we like it.
Cassie McBain: It looks like something Kandinsky threw up on. What? Dennis Miller's gone, somebody's got to make pretentious semi-obscure references.
Jack Wilde: Who do you wreak havoc and destruction wherever you go?
D.D. Cummings: It's what we love.
Shane Phillips: Why don't you leave the whole 'I'm too good for the whole world' look to the professionals?
Andrea: And maybe you should leave that sassy but Sassoon look to the late night action adventure shows?
Shane Phillips: That reminds me of what I miss most about prison
D.D. Cummings: Shaving your legs?
Shane Phillips: Okay, second most.
Cassie McBain: [preparing to houseclean] It's 2100 hours. We all know our assignments. With a precise coordinated attack we should be able to complete our attack by 0300 hours. Ready? (sits down) Or we could just relax, watch 'Sex and the City', and hope the cleaning fairies show up tonight.
D.D. Cummings: So we've gone from imprisoned hardened couch potatoes to freedom-loving couch potatoes?
Cassie McBain: Yeah, but now we have the choice to be worthless and lazy.
D.D. Cummings: You know, I used to clean my own cell. I was once even named 'Inmate of the Month'. Never got to use the parking space, though.
Cassie McBain: Sorry, it's just not one of those stories you enjoy retelling...
[cut to flashback]
Cassie McBain: but I'll try.
Shane Phillips: What's going on?
Cassie McBain: It's a flashback. If we were on TV, there'd be those fuzzy little edges all around the picture.
D.D. Cummings: Wow...
Murray: "Courtesy is the weakness of the noble." I always wanted to say that after a cool fight.
[in the middle of a clip episode]
Jack Wilde: That's odd - my memory seems to be coming back in perfectly-packaged little scenes.
Jack Wilde: I work with a team... three people. One black, one white... but two are blonde which would rule out the Mod Squad.
Jack Wilde: Dr. Franco, it's happening again. The unshakeable feeling I'm a sidekick whose only purpose is to give exposition in an action-adventure show!
[watching a tape of Indigo]
D.D. Cummings: Why is he telling us exactly what he's going to do?
Shane Phillips: That's cocky.
Indigo: I'll tell you why and yes, it is cocky. I'm so good at outguessing you authority types I knew what your last two statements were.
Jack Wilde: He is good.
Indigo: [still on tape] Aren't I just?
Shane Phillips: This is torture!
Nicky: Torture, nah, recovering for a month in a hospital bed after a job, losing the remote, and having to sit through a TVLand marathon of "The Wayan Brothers" - now that's torture.
Margo: If my father would have relaxed every now and then, maybe he wouldn't have put that gun in his mouth.
Cassie McBain: Your father committed suicide?
Margo: No, just put a gun in his mouth. Was going for a world record with a Winchester rifle - all he could manage was a Colt .45. I tell you, that man had cheeks like a Hefty Bag.
Cassie McBain: And how many double agents can you have before everybody is just a double-agent, and nobody's just an agent-agent anymore?
Shane Phillips: (thinks about it) Six.
Cassie McBain: Really? I didn't know that.
Shane Phillips: I'm pretty sure it's in the handbook.
Cassie McBain: [hitting a bad guy with a sled named Rosebud] I just Kaned a Citizen. I love action quips.
D.D. Cummings: Don't drink that!
James Green: Why not?
D.D. Cummings: Why not?
James Green: Yes, why not?
D.D. Cummings: Why not what?
James Green: Why not drink that?
D.D. Cummings: Why not drink what?
James Green: Why not drink that.
D.D. Cummings: Why not drink that?
James Green: Yes, why not drink that.
D.D. Cummings: Why not drink what?
James Green: Why not drink that.
D.D. Cummings: This isn't very good banter, is it.
James Green: Not really. Maybe we should move on.
Jack Wilde: Ooh. Refresh my memory - middle finger straight up mean you're number one in customer satisfaction?
Jack Wilde: So what you're saying is, if we we start with how, that'll help us figure out who, when, where, and why?
Dr. Marks: Forget about who - when we find out the where, we'll know the who.
Jack Wilde: How will where tell us who?
Dr. Marks: Isn't this getting a little bit convoluted?
Jack Wilde: How?
Dr. Marks: How?
Jack Wilde: Or why?
Dr. Marks: What?
Jack Wilde: I don't know.
Shane Phillips: You don't even care if I understand your jokes, right?
D.D. Cummings: I care - but it's not critical.
Cassie McBain: Would've been better with ninjas.
Shane Phillips: That's what we were saying.
D.D. Cummings: You think so too?
Cassie McBain: Absolutely, the noises they make and the way they always travel in groups. And how about how they let one finish fighting before the other jumps in
Shane Phillips: Yeah, we forgot about that. They are so polite.
D.D. Cummings: I like that about ninjas.
D.D. Cummings: Do you guys think I should wear a strapless bra or an underwire bra with this dress? Because the dress is tight, you know? On the one hand I should have support because I don't want things looking droopy, but on the other hand the shoulders are bared so I don't want to show straps. Wait a minute! What am I talking about? Me, in a bra?
Kelly Sawyer: I guess you've heard of cryogenics?
Cassie McBain: Sure we have; the human snowcone, the freeze-dried nuts, the people who get frostbite *after* they die.
D.D. Cummings: Walt Disney did it; who's next, Michael Ice-ner?
Cassie McBain: The only people who've done that are absolute zeros.
D.D. Cummings: Or people with bi-polar personalities.
Kelly Sawyer: What were they in jail for, was it beating a joke to death?
Cassie McBain: What a day, huh? Parachuting into a cemetary because the perimeter was guarded and it was our only way in, and exposing a deadly double agent who was trying to elude capture by faking his own death and being buried with an oxygen tank, only to be dug up later.
D.D. Cummings: We knew all that, you know.
Cassie McBain: I know. I'm just saying it for anyone who might've been wondering why we're going through all that trouble.
Shane Phillips: Who'd be wondering?
Cassie McBain: I don't know, anyone.
[pauses and looks around]
Cassie McBain: Look, I've never told you guys this, it's kind of embarrassing. Sometimes I get the weirdest feeling like people are watching us, like they're listening in on every single thing we do or say.
Shane Phillips: Yeah, I get that feeling, too.
D.D. Cummings: So do I.
[all 3 turn to look suspiciously into the camera]
Cassie McBain: Creepy, huh?
D.D. Cummings: Yeah, very.
Shane Phillips: My hair's a mess.
Cassie McBain: Careful is my middle name.
Cassie McBain: Changed it from Lillian.
Shane Phillips: Good thinking.