Last Comic Standing (2003– )
Tammy Pescatelli: Hi, my names Tammy Pescatelli. Yeah, that's a Sicilian name, not all of us are in the mob. Some of us are in the witness protection program. Some of us are dead. Some of us are retired. I called my dad, I said dad I shot a pilot. He said hey, not over the phone. No, pops, a T.V. pilot. I don't care what airline he was from, I'm not going down just 'cause you get sloppy, go call me from a pay phone.
Bonnie McFarlane: I get called "sweetheart" a lot by guys. You know a lot of women take offense at that, but when you've been called "c*nt" enough times, it kind of takes the sting out of "sweetheart".
Gary Gulman: Oreo, have you been reading my diary? Because this has been a fantasy of mine for some time.
Gary Gulman: Look down the aisle, sugar cookie. Every cookie is a sugar cookie. A cookie without sugar is a cracker
Gary Gulman: I went to Boston College. It's a Catholic college, yeah I had a nickname there: Jew.
Jay Mohr: When we come back we'll find out who is going to be performing first in the head-to-head.
Jay Mohr: Who are we kidding? It's Gary Gulman!
John Heffron: I'd ask about the middle kids but nobody cared about you anyway.
Gary Gulman: [dressed as a mouse, trying to amuse little kids] Do you know my brother, Chuck E. Cheese?
Cory: I think the cowboy would be more comfortable if he had the construction worker and the Indian chief with him!
[Talking about Dat Phan]
Rich Vos: He's just someone you wouldn't want to clone.
[about Dat's journal]
Dave Mordal: That's the kind of thing that if you found in a bus station, the FBI would have to be notified.