In a remote part of the countryside, a bungled kidnapping turns into a living nightmare for four central characters when they cross paths with a psychopathic farmer and all hell breaks ...
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When Chloe (Kristen Dalton) and Michael Carpenter rent out the cottage behind their house to charming romance novelist, Robert Mars (David Arquette) their American dream soon turns into a suburban nightmare.
Mum and Dad, and their 'adopted' children, Birdie & Elbie, work at the airport. The family live off whatever they scavenge from cargo holds, offices and hotels - including a steady stream ... See full summary »
In a remote part of the countryside, a bungled kidnapping turns into a living nightmare for four central characters when they cross paths with a psychopathic farmer and all hell breaks loose.Written by
The man with the dog who speaks to David when he goes to the village telephone Is Doug Bradley, better known as 'Pin-Head' In the Hellraiser film franchise. See more »
When David drives to the nearby village to make the phone call he parks his car facing the opposite direction he is to return. After the call and after his encounter with the village folks he returns to his car and drives off without reversing his car. The car was automatically reversed. See more »
[as his brother takes his time crawling over to him]
Hurry up for fuck's sake
[holding the farmer at bay by threatening to destroy his photos]
Mad... mad... mad bastard... you stay there or she
[a photo of the farmer's wife]
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Stay till the very end of the credits for an additional scene. See more »
Director Paul Andrew Williams wanted to "write a film that cost no money and was all set in one place". And the first sixty or so minutes stuck to this agenda pretty well; Two brothers kidnap the daughter (Jennifer Ellison) of a wealthy man, he sends out two crazy Chinese guys to kill them, nerdy brother Peter (Reece Shearsmith) looses the all important mobile phone and older hard-man brother David (Andy Serkis) swears a lot, all in the confines of a deserted cottage. The dialogue is just about snappy enough to keep this interesting. Not much to be said for the camera work but it does kinda add to the atmosphere. And then they end up in another cottage and the blood bath begins.
It's pretty obvious why they cast Ellison: she has big bouncy boobs and her harsh liverpoodlian accent is juxtaposed perfectly with her blonde hair and Barbie doll face. No one really cares that her script rarely ventures beyond words too rude to publish here the camera generally focuses on her chest/backside with the occasional headbut thrown in. Shame really; I was hoping she'd amaze us all with her diverse acting talent, but I guess it's a case of you can take the girl out of Brookside but you won't get an amazing actress out of a soap star.
Serkis in undeniably the star of this film. The perfect gangster with a heart, his sincerity and charm kept me watching throughout. I'm not entirely sure why he chose to do The Cottage perhaps, like me, he was hoping this would be one of those rare things; a funny independent British comedy. But unfortunately it just felt like Williams had taken The Chain Sore Massacre and Hot Fuzz, cut out the best bits, stuck the leftovers in a blender and then forgot to cook it properly.
By all means go see this if you like blood, guts and rolling heads, just don't expect any intellect in the script.
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