Allison Janney: Bren MacGuff
Leah : Dude, I think it's best to just tell 'em.
Juno MacGuff : I'm Pregnant.
Bren : Oh, God.
Juno MacGuff : But, uh ah, I'm going to give it up for adoption and I already found the perfect couple, they're going to pay for the medical expenses and everything. And and what ah 30 or odd weeks we can just pretend that this never happened.
Mac MacGuff : You're pregnant?
Juno MacGuff : I'm sorry. I'm sorry... And if it is any consolation I have heartburn that is radiating in my knee caps and I haven't taken a dump since like Wednesday... morning.
Bren : I didn't even know that you were sexually active.
Juno MacGuff : I, uh...
Mac MacGuff : Who is the kid?
Juno MacGuff : The-the baby? I don't really know much about it other than, I mean, it has fingernails, allegedly.
Bren : Nails, really?
Juno MacGuff : Yeah!
Mac MacGuff : No, I know I mean who's the father, Juno?
Juno MacGuff : Umm... It's Paulie Bleeker.
Mac MacGuff : Paulie Bleeker?
Juno MacGuff : What?
Mac MacGuff : I didn't think he had it in him.
Leah : I know, right?
Juno MacGuff : Ow, ow, fuckity-ow! Bren, when do I get that spinal tap thing?
Bren : It's called a spinal block. And you can't have it yet, honey. The doctor said you're not dilated enough.
Juno MacGuff : You mean I have to wait for it to get worse? Why can't they just give it to me now?
Bren : Well, honey, doctors are sadists who like to play God and watch lesser people scream...
[Juno lets out painful scream, Brenda checks her watch]
Bren : Shit.
Bren : Hey, can we get my kid the damn spinal tap already?
Ultrasound Technician : Well, there you have it. Would you like to know the sex?
Leah : Yes!
Juno MacGuff : No!
Leah : Pleease, Juno, please!
Juno MacGuff : No, there will be no sex!
Ultrasound Technician : Planning to be surprised when you deliver?
Juno MacGuff : Well, no, but I want Mark and Vanessa to be surprised and if you tell me I'll just, like, ruin everything.
Ultrasound Technician : Are Mark and Vanessa your friends at school?
Juno MacGuff : No, no, no. They're the adoptive parents.
Ultrasound Technician : Oh, well thank goodness for that!
Bren : What's that supposed to mean?
Ultrasound Technician : I just see a lot of teenage mothers come through here and it's obviously a poisonous environment to raise a baby in.
Juno MacGuff : How do you know I'm so poisonous? What if these adoptive parents turn out to be, like, evil molesters?
Leah : Or, like, stage parents.
Bren : They could be utterly negligent. Maybe they'll do a far shittier job of raising a kid than my dumbass step-daughter would. Have you considered that?
Ultrasound Technician : I guess not.
Bren : What is your job title exactly?
Ultrasound Technician : I'm an ultrasound technician, ma'am.
Bren : Well, I'm a nail technician and I think we both ought to just stick to what we know.
Ultrasound Technician : Excuse me?
Bren : Oh, you think you're so special because you get to play Picture Pages up there? Well, my five year old daughter could do that and let me tell you, she's not the brightest bulb in the tanning bed. So why don't you go back to night school in Mantino and learn a real trade.
Juno MacGuff : Bren! You's a dick! I love it!
Bren : Doctors are sadists who like to play God and watch lesser people scream.
Bren : I think that kids get bored and have intercourse.