J.K. Simmons: Mac MacGuff
Juno MacGuff : I'm just like losing my faith with humanity.
Mac MacGuff : Can you can narrow that down for me?
Juno MacGuff : I just wonder if like, two people can ever stay together for good.
Mac MacGuff : You mean like couples?
Juno MacGuff : Yeah, like people in love.
Mac MacGuff : Are you having boy troubles? Because I gotta be honest with you; I don't much approve of dating in your condition, 'cause well... that's kind of messed up.
Juno MacGuff : Dad, no!
Mac MacGuff : Well, it's kind of skanky. Isn't that what you girls call it? Skanky? Skeevy?
Juno MacGuff : Please stop.
Mac MacGuff : [persisting] Tore up from the floor up?
Juno MacGuff : That's not what it's about. I just need to know that it's possible that two people can stay happy together forever.
Mac MacGuff : Well, it's not easy, that's for sure. Now, I may not have the best track record in the world, but I have been with your stepmother for 10 years now and I'm proud to say that we're very happy.
Mac MacGuff : Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with.
Juno MacGuff : Yeah. And I think I've found that person.
Mac MacGuff : Yeah sure you have - your old D-A-D! You know I'll always be there to love you and support you no matter what kind of pickle you're in... Obviously.
[nods to her belly]
Juno MacGuff : Dad, I think I'm just going to, like, shove out for a sec, but I won't be home late.
Mac MacGuff : Ok. You were talking about me right?
Leah : Dude, I think it's best to just tell 'em.
Juno MacGuff : I'm Pregnant.
Bren : Oh, God.
Juno MacGuff : But, uh ah, I'm going to give it up for adoption and I already found the perfect couple, they're going to pay for the medical expenses and everything. And and what ah 30 or odd weeks we can just pretend that this never happened.
Mac MacGuff : You're pregnant?
Juno MacGuff : I'm sorry. I'm sorry... And if it is any consolation I have heartburn that is radiating in my knee caps and I haven't taken a dump since like Wednesday... morning.
Bren : I didn't even know that you were sexually active.
Juno MacGuff : I, uh...
Mac MacGuff : Who is the kid?
Juno MacGuff : The-the baby? I don't really know much about it other than, I mean, it has fingernails, allegedly.
Bren : Nails, really?
Juno MacGuff : Yeah!
Mac MacGuff : No, I know I mean who's the father, Juno?
Juno MacGuff : Umm... It's Paulie Bleeker.
Mac MacGuff : Paulie Bleeker?
Juno MacGuff : What?
Mac MacGuff : I didn't think he had it in him.
Leah : I know, right?
Mac MacGuff : Thanks for having me and my irresponsible child over your house.
Mark Loring : So... Let's talk about how we're going to do this thing.
Juno MacGuff : What do you mean? Don't I just have the thing? Squeeze it on out and hand it over?
Gerta Rauss : Mark and Vanessa are willing to negotiate an open adoption...
Mac MacGuff : What do you mean?
Juno MacGuff : Wait... No! I mean, can't we just, like, kick this old school? Like, I have the baby, put it in a basket and send it your way, like, Moses and the reeds?
Mark Loring : Technically, that would be kicking it Old Testament.
Gerta Rauss : ...So, we all agree that a closed adoption is the best decision for all involved?
Juno MacGuff : SSHHIT! YES! Close it up!
Mac MacGuff : And this, of course, is Juno.
Mark Loring : Like the city in Alaska?
Juno MacGuff : No.
Mark Loring : No? Hon, shall we sit down and get to know one another?
Vanessa Loring : Oh, I thought I would get some drinks. What would anyone like? I have Pellegrino, or Vitamin Water or Orange Juice or...
Juno MacGuff : I'll have a Maker's Mark, please. Up.
Mac MacGuff : She's kidding. Junebug has a wonderful sense of humor. Just one of her many genetic gifts.
Mac MacGuff : [a very pregnant Juno enters the room] Hey there, big puffy version of Junebug!
Mac MacGuff : Whats that thing?
Vanessa Loring : It's a Pilates machine.
Mac MacGuff : What do you make with it?
Vanessa Loring : Oh you don't make anything with it, its for exercise.
Mac MacGuff : Oh. My wife ordered one of those Tony Little Gazelles off the television... I don't know about that guy. He doesn't look right.
Mac MacGuff : You're just a kid. I don't want you to get ripped off by a couple of baby-starved wing-nuts.
Mac MacGuff : And I'm gonna punch that Bleeker kid in the wiener next time I see him.
Mac MacGuff : Liberty Bell, if you put one more Baco on that potato, I'm gonna kick your little monkey butt.