Upper Gemini: Don't take another step. We are KAOS agents Gemini.
Maxwell Smart: What do you want?
Upper Gemini: Information. Tell us what we wanna know, or you die.
Maxwell Smart: You're wasting your time. Besides, do you know who this man is? This is Gino Columbus, the new owner of the United States.
Upper Gemini: That's what we wanted to know.
Victor Borgia: My name is Borgia.
Maxwell Smart: Borgia! Of course! You're the man who poisoned 23 people and a pair of parakeets.
Victor Borgia: No Mr. Smart.
Maxwell Smart: 23 parakeets and a pair of people?
Victor Borgia: I am Borgia of KAOS.
Maxwell Smart: Ok, I'll accept that, but don't expect to have a drink with my bird.
Gino Columbus: I tell you what I'm gonna do. If you let me go, I'm gonna give you a nice present. I give you Pittsburgh.
Victor Borgia: We don't want Pittsburgh.
Maxwell Smart: That's funny. Neither does Pennsylvania.
Gino Columbus: Mama mia, what's he got in his pocket, a printing-a press?
Maxwell Smart: Must be a duplicating machine, the copies are getting lighter.
Maxwell Smart: [looking at Sunflowers by Van Gogh] What would you say that is worth, 99?
Agent 99: Oh, a lot, Max, that's a Van Gogh.
Maxwell Smart: Isn't he the guy that cut off his own ear?
Agent 99: Right. He send it to his girlfriend. He must really have loved her a lot.
Maxwell Smart: Either that or he hated his ear.
Chief: I know this is going to come as a shock, but that painting, and every painting in this museum, belongs to the man they work for.
Agent 99: But Chief, everything in this museum belongs to the United States.
Chief: That's the trouble, 99. The man they work for owns the United States.
Maxwell Smart: Columbus, I'm Smart.
Gino Columbus: Ok, how much is-a two and two?
Maxwell Smart: [thinks for a moment] Four.
Gino Columbus: [chuckles] He's smart all right!
Maxwell Smart: You'll never get away with it, Chief, I don't look like Columbus, I don't even speak Italian.
Larabee: Besides, Chief, at Control training school Max flunked torture three years in a row.
Victor Borgia: I sympathize with you. I too require constant stoking of the human furnace to function properly.