Dr. Gregory House: The nearly-dead and the newly-bred have more in common with each other than with people in the middle. It's weird. It's kinda circle of life thing.
Dr. Gregory House: [approaching Chase, who is chatting up a girl] Hey, how's that anal fissure? Did it heal yet or is it still draining?
[notices the girl Chase is with]
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize you'd come back for seconds. I figured that after that girl on the stairwell, you'd be done for the night.
Dr. Robert Chase: He's joking.
Dr. Gregory House: No Adam's apple, small hands. No surprises this time.
Nicole Ballard: I'll er... see you later.
Dr. Gregory House: Got a case.
Dr. Robert Chase: Well, you could have just said that. You didn't have to screw with me.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah, if I didn't screw with you, you'd spend the whole night thinking you might get laid which means you'd be useless. Better to extinguish all hope.
Ian: I have a question, and I need to go to the bathroom.
Mrs. Walsh: Which would you like to do first?
Ian: The question.
Mrs. Walsh: Okay.
Ian: Where's the bathroom?
Dr. Gregory House: We're smaller and better than chimps, bigger and worse than gorillas. For all our rationality, our supposed trust and fealty to a higher power, our ability to create a system of rules and laws. Our baser drives are more powerful than any of that. We want to control our emotions, but we can't. If we're happy, things don't annoy us. If on the other hand, we're sitting on crappy hole cards, little tiny things annoy us a whole lot more.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [to House] You might want to spend a little more time paying attention to your cards and a little less time staring at my breasts.
Dr. Gregory House: They don't match either.
Dr. Gregory House: You do realize that the point of metaphors is to scare people from doing things by telling them that something much scarier is going to happen than what will really happen. God, I wish I had a metaphor to explain that better.
Dr. Gregory House: You know that relative to their size, gorillas have smaller testicles than humans.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Well, then you'd probably have an edge over a gorilla, but not over me.
Sarah Alston: [to House] How much longer will Dr. Cuddy be?
Dr. Gregory House: Given the number of mojitos she's knocking back at the party, I'd say it's going to be at least three hours before she's even conscious.
Sarah Alston: Weren't you at the same party?
Dr. Gregory House: [while taking a vicodin] I don't drink.
Dr. Eric Foreman: House usually avoids cases. If he's actually stealing a case from Cuddy, there's gotta be a reason.
Dr. Robert Chase: [to House] This kid is not Esther. You screwed up, she died. I'm sorry, but that does not mean this kid is dying as well.
Dr. Gregory House: Geez. You get testy when you don't get any fuzz.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Wilson] Is Cuddy still playing?
Dr. James Wilson: The chicken is still in Piccadilly Square.
Dr. Gregory House: Brilliant. She'll never suspect that Normandy is her target.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [to Wilson] Tell House the patient is about to kill the doctor.
Dr. James Wilson: She says the patient...
Dr. Gregory House: I heard. What've you got?
Dr. James Wilson: Well, Cuddy just raised and uhh...
Dr. Gregory House: You're paired.
Dr. James Wilson: What?
Dr. Gregory House: Nines?
Dr. James Wilson: [looks shocked and looks around to see if House is standing behind him] How do you know?
Dr. Gregory House: Anything lower, you wouldn't sound so excited. Jacks or higher, your voice sounds like Debbie from accounting is sitting in your lap.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Cuddy] How's it going? You win?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I got called away. By the angry parents of a patient. There are three of you here, none of you had the sense to stop him, to pick up a phone and call me.
Dr. Gregory House: I told them you'd signed off. The parents are mad because their kid is dying. That's understandable, but if he doesn't die, they won't be mad anymore.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Well, if he's brain-damaged, they might still be a little ticked.
Dr. Gregory House: I had to do it to save him.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You had to do it to diagnose Esther. You may have killed a 6-year-old because you're obsessed with a woman who's been dead for 12 years. Sometimes you lose, House. You're not God!
Dr. Gregory House: He's not dead yet.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: No, but you're done with him. It's my case now. Go home, go ride your motorcycle, go brood in a dark room. Just don't go near Ian again.