Andy Barker: [to Simon] Mmm, this tea is wonderful.
Andy Barker: Is this chamomile?
Wally: Yes it is. But I am sorry, it is pronounced Camel Milk.
Simon: [Lew and Andy are off on another case] Alright it's go time! I'll get in back.
Lew Staziak: Actually it's stay time.
Simon: [shouting] You win this round, Lew Staziac, but when vengeance strikes, it will be swift -
[is hit in the head by humus from a humus gun]
Andy Barker: We go to San Diego. My kids are crazy about Sea World.
Lew Staziak: They wouldn't be if they knew what was burried under Shamu's tank.
Andy Barker: [finding a letter stuck in a door] What the helicopter?
Wally: Excuse me Lew Staziak my friend, I need to speak to my friend Andy my friend.
Rita Spaulding: Well aren't you just the cat's pajama's. You are aren't you?
[puts on thick glasses]
Rita Spaulding: Oh, hell yes!
Andy Barker: [Rita has one wooden leg] I'm sorry about your leg...
Rita Spaulding: Oh, it's no biggie. There's a girl in D-Block who lost the other one. Now we buy shoes together.
Andy Barker: You said in your letter that you had been framed for the murder.
Rita Spaulding: That's right, couldn't have done that. I was in the Brown Derby at the time.
Andy Barker: Well, that ought to be fairly easy to prove.
Rita Spaulding: Well, whoever framed me got everybody to done me up.
Andy Barker: So no one saw you going in?
Rita Spaulding: No, I was with a married guy. We went in the back door.
Lew Staziak: [standing in doorframe] We did that a few times, didn't we doll?
Rita Spaulding: Well Lew Staziak as I live and breathe. Actually, I was talking about going in the back door of the Brown Derby.
Lew Staziak: So was I.
Rita Spaulding: No, I mean the back door of the restaurant.
Lew Staziak: Oh. I didn't go there.
Andy Barker: Eh, Lew what are you doing here?
Lew Staziak: I realized I couldn't let you alone with this one. She'd fill your head with lies and your pants with hands.
Rita Spaulding: Still got two of those.
Rita Spaulding: [shouting] Oh, and tell Lew I'm sorry I broke his heart!
Rita Spaulding: And burned his house.
Wally: [to one of his two remaining Hoomus Hotties] You, chicken? You're out. Andy says go pull a sled, you dog
John Leibowitz: I am John Leibowitz.
Andy Barker: You are?
John Leibowitz: I changed my name when I came to this country. There was much prejudice against the Chinese people. But who doesn't love a Jew?
Lew Staziak: You ever had your heart broke by a one legged lady?
Bartender: Change lady to dude, and yeah.
Lew Staziak: You gay?
Bartender: Yeah. This is a gay bar.
Lew Staziak: Hey, you said you had a visit from Micky. You sure it was him?
Andy Barker: I got a video of him with my phone.
Lew Staziak: Yeah, and I just flew over here on my toaster.
Mickey Doyle: Starting that fire's one of the best moves I ever made. I destroyed the evidence from six different crimes I committed.
Andy Barker: Where are we going?
Mickey Doyle: [pressing a gun in Andy's back] Parts of you are going to fifty different places around the city.